Anhedonia is seriously scaring me

Jackson · 05-30-2009, 10:43 AM

I'm now 7 months out from a coldturkey on 150mg Nortriptylin (tricyclic), and some things are definately better, although there are other things that still seems static.

Well, actually only 6 months out, cause I tried reinstating the TCA at 1 month out and got a severe Kindling reaction (enhancement of symptoms), instead of the relief I was hoping for.

Anyways, The past 14 days have seen a little improvement. My severe akathisia attacks are gone now (I PRAY they won't come back!!), since they started in month 4 and lasted about 2 months which required hospitalization cause of suicidality. I do not know if it was just a coincidence, but after I started taking the Gluthathione supplement (the LMS one), my akathisia never showed up again. Maybe the "wave" was over by itself, maybe it was the supplement - I really don't know. I'm just glad it's over, cause I was very close to not being able to cope anymore and end it all. Akathisia is no damn joke, oh lord, I didn't even know that such torture existed.

So akathisia haven't showed in 14 days, and I've also slowly regained my ability to exercise. I have been out walking/jogging/biking almost every day in the past 10 days, so the fatigue seems to have improved as well.

I'm out of the hospital and I've been home for the past 4 days. Leaving the hospital scared the hell out of me at first, but maybe it's better being home where the doctors don't keep telling you, that you are scizophrenic/psychotic/<insert random mental disorder here> and want to put you on some crazy drugs. They actually THREW me out of the hospital for that reason; this is what they basically said:

"We have now observed you for the past 2 months, and tried to put every medical diagnosis on you we have availible, but none of it suits you. So your symptoms must be delusions. Yes, your nausea, head pressure, dry mouth, vomiting, akathisia, trembling, suicidal thoughts and constipation are DELUSIONS, and this is why you must take this antipsycotic. We want you on Abilify, Seroquel <insert random drug here>, or you have to leave the hospital. Withdrawal doesn't exist, so everything you say - no matter how logical or rational - is obsessive thinking and signs of psychosis or beginning schizophrenia"

Pretty much sums it up.
Uhm, okay. lol. That's great human care right there...

Oh, another thing! When I left the hospital, I inquired to get my medical journal with me... oh man you won't believe what they wrote. I talked to about 7 or 8 different doctors while staying there, and each came to a different conclusion about my "disorder". At some point in there, they are discussion the possibility of Horton's Headache, because of the stabbing pains and head pressure I've described.... but here's the kicker.... They refused to tell me about this while I was there, cause they were afraid I would just take the diagnosis to heart and claim that this is what I was suffering from.

Oh. My. God. Isn't that seriously funny?
I kept asking them why they were looking for a diagnosis, when it was right in front of them - I kept telling them was suffering from severe withdrawal reactions to a coldturkey from the TCA (and I was on MAX daily dosis to boot!), and that all my symptoms started when I hit 0mg (well, some of them started ON the drug as well, such as headache and dry mouth) and they kept refusing it could last more than 4 weeks "So it could definately not be withdrawal". Their ignorance angered me so much, that I printed out loads of articles, stories and sites about protracted W/D for them to look at, but they didn't even glance over them. That's how stucked up and narrowminded they are.

Today I was out riding my bike for about an hour. The weather was lovely (it's wierd, I could "see" it, but I couldn't "feel" it) and I drove around in the green areas around the beach here. It's such a wonderful place, but for some reason I can't FEEL anything. My emotions are really blunted and have been for the past 2 years while I've been taking A/Ds, and it's starting to scare me.

Does this ever go away? I know you are supposed to say that it does, but on an intellectual level, it frigthens the heck out of me. What if I'm never going to be my normal self again? Feeling emotions like passion, love, joy, motivation, peace, fulfillment, satisfaction and creativity... All the natural feelings that I was full of before!

It's 7 months ago since my coldturkey and there is no relief from the anhedonia yet. I'm starting to believe that it might be permanent, or that I'm never going to feel human again. Am I destined to live as a zombie for years and years? I almost can't bear that thought. If anyone has recovered from anhedonia FULLY, I would love to hear about it. I seriously do not feel like a human being right now, and haven't for a long time. My family supports me 100% and they are there for me,but I just can't help feeling guilty for being so passive and miserable. I'm only 21, and I've been a vegetable for 2½ years now, totally homebound. I had to drop out of my last year at highschool cause of the depression, but then I spiralled into this medicine merry-go-round and have been very ill and a zombie since then.

I really just want a life back, and feel good things again.... It just seems so far away in my current position. I feel like my mind is raped far beyond repair and I can hardly even REMEMBER how it feels, to feel "normal".

Just a little rant from me. I don't write here that often, cause I don't even feel like it. It's so wierd, cause before I got sick I was a moderator on two different forums.

One for http://www.bboyworld.com/forum/ (huge worldwide breakdancing forum with over 100.000 members! and dozens of new daily videoclips)

and another one was a smaller danish forum about nutrition, fitness and weight training.

I used to love posting in these with a passion... I've hardly logged on either for 2 years. It's so sad and depressing when I think about it.... I just want it all back

Oh, seems like I've written way too much again. I cba to read it through, so apologies if I some things doesn't make sense, it's pretty much just my thoughts in this moment as they come.

Hope everyone is doing alright. Just a small update from my turbulent withdrawal experience.

Hugs to everyone

Jackson · 05-30-2009, 11:01 AM

Oh almost forgot. Here's an update on symptoms - past and current:

Resolved
- Constipation
- Spontaneous nosebleeds
- Burning pains in the back and arms
- Vomiting
- Urinary retention
- Extreme Akathisia (at least I hope so)
- Night sweats
- Trembling
- Crying jags (might not be over yet though)
- Exercise intolerance

Lingering
- Headache
- Stabbing/burning pains in the temple and forehead
- Dry mouth, throat, eyes (somewhat improved)
- Trouble sleeping and occasional insomnia (not that bad)
- Nausea
- Random muscle tics and spasms
- Concentration problems
- Cognitive problems (decisonmaking, problemsolving, abstract thinking)
- Memory problems
- Electrical shock sensations in the head (getting more rare though)
- Malaise
- Anergy/Fatigue (improving)
- Irrational and suicidal thoughts (improving I think. It's recurring at random intervals)
- Brain fog / confusion
- Depressive hours
- Anhedonia/apathy

Hourly variation of nearly all of the "active symptoms" (nausea, pains, depression, shocks, dry mouth, etc).

Negative symptoms (cognitive and memory problems, anhedonia, malaise and fatigue) are mostly static.

wallflower2009 · 05-30-2009, 12:32 PM

Hi Jackson
Sorry to hear you have had such a tough time. Looking at your symptoms, past and present, we have a lot in common! It sounds like you're really resilient and have faced everything thrown at you with much courage.

I posted a message earlier called 'my heart hurts', I think this is the same sort of thing as anhedonia - just not a very technical way of putting it! Going through the motions and not enjoying things as before, life through a lens. It's tough I know. But, these things do pass. If we look at what symptoms has resolved (mostly), then we can believe that the others will too. We just have to keep going. I'm not sure if you've heard of CBT, but i have found it useful to try and counteract against negative and irrational thoughts. If you haven't tried it, it may be worth thinking about it. There a lots of good self-help books out there.
Sending you warm wishes and take care!
Wallflower

scotia21 · 05-30-2009, 03:02 PM

Jackson - what meds are you taking now and what have you been on in the past? Healing from all of this takes a while. I am 21 months off of only Paxil and Ambien and I still have some rough days. It just takes time. You have to work towards being med free and work on the issues that led you to the meds in the first place. Keep taking steps - you cannot give up.

Jackson · 05-30-2009, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scotia21

Jackson - what meds are you taking now and what have you been on in the past? Healing from all of this takes a while. I am 21 months off of only Paxil and Ambien and I still have some rough days. It just takes time. You have to work towards being med free and work on the issues that led you to the meds in the first place. Keep taking steps - you cannot give up.

For the past 2 years I've been on these meds (in that order):

Citalopram
Fluoxetine (Prozac)
Zoloft
Modival
Edronax
Effexor
Lamitrogin (dunno the english version)
Pamelor (nortriptyline)

I got all these trying to relieve a depression, but they only made matters worse. When I finally found a way to overcome depression (I wrote about this in an earlier post), the side effects from the medicine became life threatening - a serious adverse reaction. Then I had to cold turkey off of the Pamelor and got even more sick.

Now 7 months out, and still sick as hell. The only meds I'm taking now is a benzo maybe once a week when the symptoms gets REAL nasty.

pokie · 05-30-2009, 05:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scotia21

Jackson - what meds are you taking now and what have you been on in the past? Healing from all of this takes a while. I am 21 months off of only Paxil and Ambien and I still have some rough days. It just takes time. You have to work towards being med free and work on the issues that led you to the meds in the first place. Keep taking steps - you cannot give up.

(Scotia ...I cannot believe it has been 21 months!!!!!!)

Jackson -My b/f just broke up with me and I am not happy about it though I was able to cry.....blunted emotions suck!

Rachelina · 05-30-2009, 08:39 PM

Hi Jackson, sorry you are feeling this way. I am in a very very bad spot too right now, so I understand and I feel for you so much. I really think that joy will come back, I have to believe it will. On the bright side, at least you are still very smart and articulate; I don't know how you can think and write like that when feeling so bad. I used to consider myself a writer but can barely put a sentence together now. Also, you're not housebound if you go out jogging and biking. Trust me, I know about being housebound.

It's great you're able to get out and do that, I know how hard it can be. Anyway, I'm wishing you healing!

Songbird · 05-31-2009, 04:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jackson

Akathisia is no damn joke, oh lord, I didn't even know that such torture existed.

Severe akathisia was my worst symptom, torture is the right word for it. I'm glad this has let up for you now. Sounds like you have improved a lot. I believe you will get more improvement over time, unfortunately nobody can say what sort of timeframe. I do believe your real feelings will come back eventually. Sounds like you are doing a lot of good things to help yourself. Wishing you continued healing.

Aeroman · 06-01-2009, 03:14 PM

I am a member of the Anhedonia Club. Oh yes, it really sucks but I am very confident the brain will repair/heal itself without taking anything. TIME is what I have heard is the healer.

Hang in there...

Rachelina · 06-01-2009, 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jackson

If anyone has recovered from anhedonia FULLY, I would love to hear about it.

Lov4K9's comes to mind as someone who suffered from horrible anhedonia but now considers herself 100% recovered.

http://www.paxilprogress.org/forums/...ight=anhedonia

Jackson · 06-01-2009, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aeroman

I am a member of the Anhedonia Club. Oh yes, it really sucks but I am very confident the brain will repair/heal itself without taking anything. TIME is what I have heard is the healer.

Hang in there...

How far are you out now? And any omprovement in the anhedonia? Small things like being able to enjoy music again etc?

The only improvement in that department for me, is the ability to smell. While on the medicine and the first 5-6 months off, I couldn't smell anything. Food, flowers, nature, perfume and stuff like that. Well I could probably SMELL it alright if I tried, but it didn't really register in my brain. That has slowly been returning in the past month or so, making smells more intense and noticing smells more frequently.

It's a really really small thing, but at least it is SOME improvement.

The past two nights I've been feeling really depressed, thinking about giving up... Looking at my life in perspective for the past 2 years where Ive been on drugs has been really pathetic. 100% housebound, in a zombie like state, unable to feel emotion or appreciation.

I know in my heart that it's gonna go away with time, but right now it's the time that is killing me. Every single day is physical and mental torture... How much can I take anymore!?!? I just want it all to end, or I don't know what's gonna happen to me...

Songbird · 06-01-2009, 05:36 PM

Don't give up, you have improved already and more improvement is coming. Some of these thoughts could be just more w/d mind games and not the real you. You think you're looking at your life in persective, but you're not, you've got the whole of the rest of your life ahead of you, and it is going to be much better!

05-30-2009, 10:43 AM	#1
Jackson Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 137	Anhedonia is seriously scaring me I'm now 7 months out from a coldturkey on 150mg Nortriptylin (tricyclic), and some things are definately better, although there are other things that still seems static. Well, actually only 6 months out, cause I tried reinstating the TCA at 1 month out and got a severe Kindling reaction (enhancement of symptoms), instead of the relief I was hoping for. Anyways, The past 14 days have seen a little improvement. My severe akathisia attacks are gone now (I PRAY they won't come back!!), since they started in month 4 and lasted about 2 months which required hospitalization cause of suicidality. I do not know if it was just a coincidence, but after I started taking the Gluthathione supplement (the LMS one), my akathisia never showed up again. Maybe the "wave" was over by itself, maybe it was the supplement - I really don't know. I'm just glad it's over, cause I was very close to not being able to cope anymore and end it all. Akathisia is no damn joke, oh lord, I didn't even know that such torture existed. So akathisia haven't showed in 14 days, and I've also slowly regained my ability to exercise. I have been out walking/jogging/biking almost every day in the past 10 days, so the fatigue seems to have improved as well. I'm out of the hospital and I've been home for the past 4 days. Leaving the hospital scared the hell out of me at first, but maybe it's better being home where the doctors don't keep telling you, that you are scizophrenic/psychotic/<insert random mental disorder here> and want to put you on some crazy drugs. They actually THREW me out of the hospital for that reason; this is what they basically said: "We have now observed you for the past 2 months, and tried to put every medical diagnosis on you we have availible, but none of it suits you. So your symptoms must be delusions. Yes, your nausea, head pressure, dry mouth, vomiting, akathisia, trembling, suicidal thoughts and constipation are DELUSIONS, and this is why you must take this antipsycotic. We want you on Abilify, Seroquel <insert random drug here>, or you have to leave the hospital. Withdrawal doesn't exist, so everything you say - no matter how logical or rational - is obsessive thinking and signs of psychosis or beginning schizophrenia" Pretty much sums it up. Uhm, okay. lol. That's great human care right there... Oh, another thing! When I left the hospital, I inquired to get my medical journal with me... oh man you won't believe what they wrote. I talked to about 7 or 8 different doctors while staying there, and each came to a different conclusion about my "disorder". At some point in there, they are discussion the possibility of Horton's Headache, because of the stabbing pains and head pressure I've described.... but here's the kicker.... They refused to tell me about this while I was there, cause they were afraid I would just take the diagnosis to heart and claim that this is what I was suffering from. Oh. My. God. Isn't that seriously funny? I kept asking them why they were looking for a diagnosis, when it was right in front of them - I kept telling them was suffering from severe withdrawal reactions to a coldturkey from the TCA (and I was on MAX daily dosis to boot!), and that all my symptoms started when I hit 0mg (well, some of them started ON the drug as well, such as headache and dry mouth) and they kept refusing it could last more than 4 weeks "So it could definately not be withdrawal". Their ignorance angered me so much, that I printed out loads of articles, stories and sites about protracted W/D for them to look at, but they didn't even glance over them. That's how stucked up and narrowminded they are. Today I was out riding my bike for about an hour. The weather was lovely (it's wierd, I could "see" it, but I couldn't "feel" it) and I drove around in the green areas around the beach here. It's such a wonderful place, but for some reason I can't FEEL anything. My emotions are really blunted and have been for the past 2 years while I've been taking A/Ds, and it's starting to scare me. Does this ever go away? I know you are supposed to say that it does, but on an intellectual level, it frigthens the heck out of me. What if I'm never going to be my normal self again? Feeling emotions like passion, love, joy, motivation, peace, fulfillment, satisfaction and creativity... All the natural feelings that I was full of before! It's 7 months ago since my coldturkey and there is no relief from the anhedonia yet. I'm starting to believe that it might be permanent, or that I'm never going to feel human again. Am I destined to live as a zombie for years and years? I almost can't bear that thought. If anyone has recovered from anhedonia FULLY, I would love to hear about it. I seriously do not feel like a human being right now, and haven't for a long time. My family supports me 100% and they are there for me,but I just can't help feeling guilty for being so passive and miserable. I'm only 21, and I've been a vegetable for 2½ years now, totally homebound. I had to drop out of my last year at highschool cause of the depression, but then I spiralled into this medicine merry-go-round and have been very ill and a zombie since then. I really just want a life back, and feel good things again.... It just seems so far away in my current position. I feel like my mind is raped far beyond repair and I can hardly even REMEMBER how it feels, to feel "normal". Just a little rant from me. I don't write here that often, cause I don't even feel like it. It's so wierd, cause before I got sick I was a moderator on two different forums. One for http://www.bboyworld.com/forum/ (huge worldwide breakdancing forum with over 100.000 members! and dozens of new daily videoclips) and another one was a smaller danish forum about nutrition, fitness and weight training. I used to love posting in these with a passion... I've hardly logged on either for 2 years. It's so sad and depressing when I think about it.... I just want it all back Oh, seems like I've written way too much again. I cba to read it through, so apologies if I some things doesn't make sense, it's pretty much just my thoughts in this moment as they come. Hope everyone is doing alright. Just a small update from my turbulent withdrawal experience. Hugs to everyone

05-30-2009, 11:01 AM	#2
Jackson Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 137	Re: Anhedonia is seriously scaring me Oh almost forgot. Here's an update on symptoms - past and current: Resolved - Constipation - Spontaneous nosebleeds - Burning pains in the back and arms - Vomiting - Urinary retention - Extreme Akathisia (at least I hope so) - Night sweats - Trembling - Crying jags (might not be over yet though) - Exercise intolerance Lingering - Headache - Stabbing/burning pains in the temple and forehead - Dry mouth, throat, eyes (somewhat improved) - Trouble sleeping and occasional insomnia (not that bad) - Nausea - Random muscle tics and spasms - Concentration problems - Cognitive problems (decisonmaking, problemsolving, abstract thinking) - Memory problems - Electrical shock sensations in the head (getting more rare though) - Malaise - Anergy/Fatigue (improving) - Irrational and suicidal thoughts (improving I think. It's recurring at random intervals) - Brain fog / confusion - Depressive hours - Anhedonia/apathy Hourly variation of nearly all of the "active symptoms" (nausea, pains, depression, shocks, dry mouth, etc). Negative symptoms (cognitive and memory problems, anhedonia, malaise and fatigue) are mostly static.

05-30-2009, 12:32 PM	#3
wallflower2009 Join Date: May 2009 Location: London Posts: 182	Re: Anhedonia is seriously scaring me Hi Jackson Sorry to hear you have had such a tough time. Looking at your symptoms, past and present, we have a lot in common! It sounds like you're really resilient and have faced everything thrown at you with much courage. I posted a message earlier called 'my heart hurts', I think this is the same sort of thing as anhedonia - just not a very technical way of putting it! Going through the motions and not enjoying things as before, life through a lens. It's tough I know. But, these things do pass. If we look at what symptoms has resolved (mostly), then we can believe that the others will too. We just have to keep going. I'm not sure if you've heard of CBT, but i have found it useful to try and counteract against negative and irrational thoughts. If you haven't tried it, it may be worth thinking about it. There a lots of good self-help books out there. Sending you warm wishes and take care! Wallflower __________________ -1999 - 20 mgs of paxil (19 years old) -2000 - stopped taking it - severe withdrawal -2000 - 30 mgs -2000 - 2002 roughly stayed between 30-25 mg -2002 -onwards - started withdrawing myself slowly -2007 - 2008 - got down to 12mg, symptoms becoming almost unmanagable 1 December 2008 - 12-6 mg for week - with support 6 December - cold turkey.... January 2009 - st johns wort Supplements - fish oil, magnesium

05-30-2009, 03:02 PM	#4
scotia21 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 5,419	Re: Anhedonia is seriously scaring me Jackson - what meds are you taking now and what have you been on in the past? Healing from all of this takes a while. I am 21 months off of only Paxil and Ambien and I still have some rough days. It just takes time. You have to work towards being med free and work on the issues that led you to the meds in the first place. Keep taking steps - you cannot give up. __________________ 1/05/07 20mg-17.5 1/20 17.5-15 2/24 15-12.5 3/08 12.5-10 3/29 10-7.5 4/12 7.5-5 6/15 5-3.75 6/30 3.75-2.5 7/28 2.5-1.5ish 8/11 1.5-1 8/25 1- zero "Keep lighting candles, eventually nobody will be in the dark" me "Why is it so hard for everybody to believe that a pill can change brain chemistry for the better but not for the worse?" me "Time does not come in pill form" me

05-30-2009, 08:39 PM	#7
Rachelina Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: New Hampshire Posts: 842	Re: Anhedonia is seriously scaring me Hi Jackson, sorry you are feeling this way. I am in a very very bad spot too right now, so I understand and I feel for you so much. I really think that joy will come back, I have to believe it will. On the bright side, at least you are still very smart and articulate; I don't know how you can think and write like that when feeling so bad. I used to consider myself a writer but can barely put a sentence together now. Also, you're not housebound if you go out jogging and biking. Trust me, I know about being housebound. It's great you're able to get out and do that, I know how hard it can be. Anyway, I'm wishing you healing! __________________ Paxil 2000 - 2003. Started again 3/07 Failed 3-month taper from 30 mg ended 1/1/08. Nightmare started 4 weeks later; back to 10 mg 3/5/08. Down to 9 mg Paxil 10/8/08 * 8 mg 11/5/08 * 7.2 mg 12/17/08 * 6.4 mg 1/14/09 5.7 mg 2/11/09 * 5 mg 3/11/09 * 4.5 mg 4/22/09 * 4 mg 5/13/09 CRASHED, worst ever depression. Up to 5 mg 5/31, 7.5 mg 6/7, 10 mg 6/11. Trying again! Paxil 9.5 mg 7/19/09 * 9 mg 8/23/09 * 8.5 mg 9/27/09 *** 8 mg 11/1/09

06-01-2009, 03:14 PM	#9
Aeroman Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Southern California Posts: 572	Re: Anhedonia is seriously scaring me I am a member of the Anhedonia Club. Oh yes, it really sucks but I am very confident the brain will repair/heal itself without taking anything. TIME is what I have heard is the healer. Hang in there... __________________ - 2004 (1 year) Prozac use - mid 2005 - Feb 27, 2008 (2.5yrs) --> 10mg of Lexapro & Wellbutrin XL 300mg - 1 month Lexapro Taper (10mg --> 5mg for two weeks, then 5mg every other day for two weeks, done). TOO FAST, thanks DOC. - C/T Wellbutrin March 2008 - End of Month 3, rebound depression, intense anxiety, restlessness, insomnia, loss of appetite, weight loss, low back pain, lightheaded...the fun must end sometime! Aeroman aka Juan

06-01-2009, 05:36 PM	#12
Songbird Join Date: May 2007 Location: New Zealand Posts: 7,046	Re: Anhedonia is seriously scaring me Don't give up, you have improved already and more improvement is coming. Some of these thoughts could be just more w/d mind games and not the real you. You think you're looking at your life in persective, but you're not, you've got the whole of the rest of your life ahead of you, and it is going to be much better! __________________ Jul 01-Feb 02 Aropax Feb - Dec 03 Citalopram Jul 04 Aropax Jan 07 - Feb 08 20mg - 5mg Apr 4.5mg 5mg Jun 10mg zopiclone > seroquel Jul 20mg Aug + methionine Oct aropax > loxamine Dec off seroquel 7 Dec 17.5mg 30 Dec 15mg 24 Jan 12.5mg 16 Feb 10mg 10 May 9mg 30 May 8mg 5 July 7.5mg 2 Aug 7.25mg 1 Sep 7mg 9 Oct 6.75mg 8 Nov 6.5mg Appreciation is the antidote to stress - Trust is the antidote to fear

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