New job - a terrifying blessing

[Tando]

As some of you may remember, I began tapering off Serzone a while back. It's been a challenge, though sustainable.
Well, a little over a month ago, out of the blue, a guy I used to work with gave me a call. His office was hiring, and the position was for work I wanted to be doing. In short order, I was offered the position and accepted. A true blessing.
Now, had I known I would be starting a new job, there's no way in hell I'd have begun to taper.
The work is tougher and more demanding than any I have ever done before. Each day I have more work to do than I ever have had before. Due to the place where I work being short-handed, everyone is overloaded and waiting for me to be trained enough to start picking up the slack.

1. The main problem I am having is my memory. I literally have to write everything down. So far, I am able to compensate for my memory problems by taking extensive notes on everything I do every day. When i am away from my notes, however, I get in trouble. If I am asked how to do something, I often cannot answer. If asked what I did yesterday, I can't answer about most things unless I check my notes. This is terrible and I am terrified that it is going to blow up in my face.

2. The other problem is that I find myself being overwhelmed and shutting down. I've never seen how literally I can shut down when I become overwhelmed. I literally stand in place at work and cannot move or think. I'm sure that I look pretty weird, but it's as though my brain seizes up and I can't do anything.

3. Crying. I am on the verge of tears with great frequency. Men crying at work are viewed differently than women, I think. And anyone crying frequently at work would be bad enough, but can you imagine the reaction to a middle-aged man crying because he feels overwhelmed by all the telephone calls he has to make and how much paperwork for so many clients he has to get done?

This job is what I have been working toward for years. I stopped work for two years and went to school to get a degree in this field while my wife paid the bills for both of us and our four kids. Losing this job would be catastrophic. It would be humiliating and tremendously discouraging. This is my one big chance to make it, and to help us get out of debt. This is my first real big grown-up job that pays grown-up wages.

God, I am terrified every day. I am overwhelmed every day. And my memory is deeply troubling to me.

Am considering going back up to an older dosage of the Serzone along with my Wellbutrin. I HATE THIS!

I hate the fact that my wife has to have as a husband a middle-aged man who almost bursts into tears at work because he can't remember a damn thing he was taught the day before!

Why can't I just be a normal human being? I feel like my brain is broken! I'm damaged and malfunctioning and if my memory is this bad at 40, what does the future look like for me? God, I hate this.

I don't even know whether upping my dose would fix anything - I've been having some memory issues for a while now.

It would be so bad if I were to lose this job. Getting this job was my chance to prove to everyone that I could do it - that I could have a real job and help support my family.

I feel so weak. Like a crybaby who can't do the things that other normal grown-ups do. Like I'm crazy or stupid. Like a loser. Everybody works hard. I know my wife busts her *** all day at her job, but she has to come home to a man who cries over forgetting his notes. I hate what I am these days.

[anjopom]

Hi Tando,

Could you amend your signature to include how your tapering and from what drug, so that others can advise you more accurately. I know you say you are tapering serzone, but you dont say for how long and how big your drops are!!!

Anjopom

[Tando]

I modified my sig, but dates are difficult. All I know for sure is that, according to the journal I recently started keeping, I was on 200mg back in 2004 and 2005, I was on 100mg at the end of 2008, went down to 50mg on 12/14/08, and went down to 37.5mg on 04/12/09.

[Si in Wales]

Hi Tando

New jobs can be extremely destabilising and worrying. I know a lot of my problems have centred around work and feeling inferior to others/unachieving/not being "up to the job".

A month is not a long time - it's still very new. I was in a desperate state when I started the job I have now, but it did get better after a few months and it's now been nearly 4 years. Someone who did this job left after 1 day apparently - I really think people should give it time if at all possible.

I appreciate it seems pressurised - is there anyone there you could discuss this with in a constructive way? There may not be now, but work relationships can take a while to develop.

You do need to use some CBT style techniques to tell yourself good things about the work you do/have done. I used to be terribly negative about it, but I'm now able to say things like "OK, you weren't earning as much as your friends, but look at the people you've helped"

Sorry I can't write a fuller reply - I'm in work.

Take care and good luck.


Si

[Tando]

I think I'm going to go back up to 50mg today. I can see feeling suicidal again if I were to lose this job. Especially if I were to lose this job over withdrawal symptoms that I may be able to relieve somewhat.
I hate having to do this - it feels like a big step backward and like an indication that I will never be able to kick these meds.
But my family is relying on me.
Once I am more comfortable at work and things are a little more predictable, I can begin my taper once again.
I only hope that increasing my dosage a little bit right now doesn't turn out to be another destabilizing influence. It was a small drop from 50mg a day to 37.5mg a day, but it definitely gave me difficult withdrawal symptoms.
Thanks Anjopom and Si.

[Si in Wales]

There's no shame in that Tando. Actually - thinking about it, I had to go up in dose when I took the new job.

People on here do that all the time. It's hard not to be negative about this, but the "bigger picture"/overall trend is in the right direction. Even if you go back to 50, that's a big improvement on 200.

I firmly believe that withdrawal is only possible when life is as routine and "normal" as possibly. A new job can be a huge disruption to life. Withdrawing AND coping with a new job would be a heck of a challenge.

Getting settled in the job, then looking at tapering further seems eminently sensible.

All the best


Si

[Dianab]

I know this is from a woman's point of view...but have you considered that all the "note taking" you're doing might give the impression to others that you are totally serious about this job....they might even be impressed with the amount of information you are keeping in your notebook. Keep it with you at all times...don't hem and haw, just look it up....use it like a policy and procedure manual...

Praying for you to have peace and comfort and strength in your new job. Praying for your anxiety to relax and your memory to restore. You are a good man for getting out there and trying to overcome a LOT of stuff going on all at once....I am sure your wife sees this and loves you for it.

[texgirl]

Originally Posted by Tando

This job is what I have been working toward for years. I stopped work for two years and went to school to get a degree in this field while my wife paid the bills for both of us and our four kids. Losing this job would be catastrophic. It would be humiliating and tremendously discouraging. This is my one big chance to make it, and to help us get out of debt.

Tando, it sounds to me like you're psyching yourself out. Not that your concerns aren't real and valid--but, in addition to feeling stressed and overwhelmed, you've set yourself up that you absolutely MUST succeed, and that's adding to the pressure you already feel from trying to taper.

How about trying to rephrase some of the above statements in a gentler, more positive and empowering way? Give yourself credit for all the things you've accomplished, instead of worrying about worst-case scenarios.

I was in a very similar situation to you a little over a year ago. I stayed in a constant state of panic, confusion, and tears the first 8-10 months at my job. What I found was that people cared more about my willingness to work hard and be helpful than they did about all the little details that I freaked myself out over.

I've also found that honesty is very disarming because people don't expect it. If you feel you've made a mistake or are having trouble understanding something, admit it! You owe it to your employer and your clients to do the best job you can, but that doesn't mean you have to do everything perfectly.

[rain]

Hi Tando... you are putting such enormous pressure on yourself... been there! The first six months on most new positions is difficult. If you can understand that, I think that maybe you will relax some. You are so consumed with doing a "good" job that you aren't thinking clearly. Someone once told me that 95% of things we worry about don't come to pass. I know you would allow a grace period for someone else... allow that for yourself!

[Tando]

Thanks for the constructive input, everyone. It's hard not to get worked up about it, as I'm sure you all realize. It's true that this is my big break and it's true that there are people who said I couldn't do it.
These meds saved my life, I am convinced, but it's a real deal with the devil, isn't it?

[Songbird]

Originally Posted by Tando

Once I am more comfortable at work and things are a little more predictable, I can begin my taper once again.

I think this is a good idea. Personally I have found that stress and w/d do not go well together, they exacerbate each other. Focus on stabilising on your dose and in your job. When you feel ready you can try tapering again nice and slowly.

I think the others are right about you being too hard on yourself and pressuring yourself to perform perfectly. The strategies you have, of writing everything down and so on, are really good. I think CBT techniques would be helpful to turn around your 'what if' thinking. Positive self-talk is a technique I use that helps me a lot, for a start keep congratulating yourself on how well you are doing, everything you are achieving!

[Tando]

Well, this is my second day back on 50mg/day and the change is astonishing. Isn't that a sign that the problems you are experiencing are withdrawal, when they go away immediately upon upping your dosage?
It's insidious: I must have been slowly, slowly, slowly worsening at a rate that I couldn't even perceive, until I found myself as i described in my first post in this thread - a wreck. A disaster. How did I function like that? How will I ever kick this med? This is a really awful situation.
I shouldn't say that because so many people have it so much worse than I do. At least there is a solution to my problems, even if it does mean going back on the med.
I hate this, and I hate that many doctors continue to deny that there is such a thing as antidepressant withdrawal/discontinuation syndrome.

[lavamama]

Don't beat yourself up over this. My husband had horrible memory problems, but slowly and surely he is overcoming them. He taught himself programming and during his w/d (he CTd from a cocktail of meds) he couldn't even remember how to log on to his own computer at home. It is frustrating, to be sure, but you can get through it.

Don't be afraid to take extensive notes. Seriously, there is no shame in it. I work as a chemist and I have to take a lot of notes when I'm learning new things, and I never took meds.

Can you talk to your boss and let them know what is going on? Are you comfortable doing this? It may make your anxiety over your memory issues less.

I know that it must feel really good to be back at work again, contributing to your family. My husband has been without an income for close to two years now and I know how it can effect your psyche and your mood. He is slowly "coming along" and is able to contribute in his own way, and I appreciate him for that. I'm sure your wife appreciates the contributions you are able to make. Hang in there.

[mdonnab44]

I started working again after going through practically cold turkey withdrawl from prozac.

My job scares me to death some days. Things I could do with ease before seem impossible sometimes now. I hate it as well but I just try to do my best. I tell myself that I am the only one who knows that I am not as good as I used to be and I am probably being harder on myself than any of the people I am currently working with. That's on my good days. On my bad days I still want to cry and have even retreated to the rest room to compose myself. My family needs me to work so I just try to keep going.

I write all this while I am sitting in my bed when I should be at work. I had a major set back that has been coming for some time and have just made the decision to go back on meds after being free of prozac for 20 months. The stress and depression are just too great to deal with so I am going back on for my sanity and my family's sake.

Do not feel bad that you are doing what you have to do. It does not mean we can not try again to get off the drugs when our life situation allows it.

Hang in there! I wish you the best.

[Tando]

People at work are definitely noticing my coping mechanisms and the fact that I can't talk to them about my job without consulting my notes.
Was talking with a co-worker who was telling me about a woman in my position who was recently fired. She told me that this woman was exhibiting some cognitive problems which interfered with her ability to do the job. The symptom my co-worker described as evidence of this prior employee's problems? The fact that she couldn't tell you what she had done on any given day without checking her notes. She didn't remember what she did or didn't do just a few hours later, and that is exactly what is going on with me. It's really terrible. If I don't write things down on my notepad, they are forgotten by the time I return to my desk from talking with my supervisor.
My mood is alot better since I increased the Nefazodone, I don't feel like crying anymore, and I'm not panicking anymore. I just can't remember anything. I see more and more references on the web to this being a side effect of Wellbutrin and its generics.

[Si in Wales]

Hi tando

Are you sure the note taking is really an issue. I've always been a "keep a list in my head" kinda person and can still function like that reasonably, but I make notes and lists in front of the boss in work precisely to appear organised and enthusiastic. Seems a strange employer to me who would see this as a sign of weakness.

I personally think memory issues can improve over time, albeit slowly.

[NoRx4me]

Was talking with a co-worker who was telling me about a woman in my position who was recently fired. She told me that this woman was exhibiting some cognitive problems which interfered with her ability to do the job...

I suspect this co-worker has motives (not your best interest) in sharing this information with you. I also suspect she/he didn't tell the full story. I think this co-worker wanted to make you nervous. It's hard to believe that people can be mean while pretending to be nice but it happens in the corporate world. Of course, I could be wrong and this person may not have realized what they were saying and how it would effect you (as a new employee, just learning the job).

Either way, I think you should try to forget the comment and continue to do your best (notes and all).

[paxilgirl]

Forgive me Tando, but why are you on TWO antidepresenants? I had to look up Nefazodone, thinking it was a benzo, but discovered it was a phsychoactive medication.....

No wonder you are a mess with WDs.

Your weaning off the Nefazodone is WAY TOO FAST-that is an insane taper schedule......you should only taper 10% or less every 4 to 5 weeks in between tapers (or when you feel stable)...so from 200mgs you should only have dropped 20mgs...or less.....

What led you to this drug merry go round in the first place and are you in therapy?

[paxilgirl]

Originally Posted by Tando

I think I'm going to go back up to 50mg today. I can see feeling suicidal again if I were to lose this job. Especially if I were to lose this job over withdrawal symptoms that I may be able to relieve somewhat.
I hate having to do this - it feels like a big step backward and like an indication that I will never be able to kick these meds.
But my family is relying on me.
Once I am more comfortable at work and things are a little more predictable, I can begin my taper once again.
I only hope that increasing my dosage a little bit right now doesn't turn out to be another destabilizing influence. It was a small drop from 50mg a day to 37.5mg a day, but it definitely gave me difficult withdrawal symptoms.
Thanks Anjopom and Si.

50mgs to 37.5 mgs was a HUGE DROP....I already stated that your taper schedule was much too rushed and your drops huge, but if you applied the 10% rule....you only should have dropped 5mgs to a new dose of 45mgs, not 37.5mgs. No wonder your WD symptoms were debilitating!!!!

[paxilgirl]

Originally Posted by Tando

People at work are definitely noticing my coping mechanisms and the fact that I can't talk to them about my job without consulting my notes.
Was talking with a co-worker who was telling me about a woman in my position who was recently fired. She told me that this woman was exhibiting some cognitive problems which interfered with her ability to do the job. The symptom my co-worker described as evidence of this prior employee's problems? The fact that she couldn't tell you what she had done on any given day without checking her notes. She didn't remember what she did or didn't do just a few hours later, and that is exactly what is going on with me. It's really terrible. If I don't write things down on my notepad, they are forgotten by the time I return to my desk from talking with my supervisor.
My mood is alot better since I increased the Nefazodone, I don't feel like crying anymore, and I'm not panicking anymore. I just can't remember anything. I see more and more references on the web to this being a side effect of Wellbutrin and its generics.

Stop thinking about the negatives and allowing others to feed your insecurities.

You will do fine, but you have to stop with the negative self-fullfiling prophecies.

If you go around believing you don't deserve this job, or that you are going to lose it, it will

Use your coping mechannisms as you see fit and tell people to sod off....I would also tell this co-woker that you are not into office gossip and would prefer to focus on actual work and business discussions.

[Tando]

Originally Posted by paxilgirl

Forgive me Tando, but why are you on TWO antidepresenants? I had to look up Nefazodone, thinking it was a benzo, but discovered it was a phsychoactive medication.....

No wonder you are a mess with WDs.

Your weaning off the Nefazodone is WAY TOO FAST-that is an insane taper schedule......you should only taper 10% or less every 4 to 5 weeks in between tapers (or when you feel stable)...so from 200mgs you should only have dropped 20mgs...or less.....

What led you to this drug merry go round in the first place and are you in therapy?

I honestly don't remember why I am taking two anti-depressants. I don't know how good my doc is, really. He doesn't seem to know much about withdrawal. I'd like to switch doctors, but I have no idea how to find a good one and trying out new ones can be such a waste of time and it's so hard for me to get time off work. I'm still on a probationary period at work since I am new, and all time away from work counts against me - I'm not even supposed to call in sick for the first six months.

[scotty]

Tando, the fact that he is prescribing Serzone would make me change doctors immediately.

[Tando]

Originally Posted by Si in Wales

Hi tando

Are you sure the note taking is really an issue. I've always been a "keep a list in my head" kinda person and can still function like that reasonably, but I make notes and lists in front of the boss in work precisely to appear organised and enthusiastic. Seems a strange employer to me who would see this as a sign of weakness.

I personally think memory issues can improve over time, albeit slowly.

I understand your point, and I really don't think that note-taking itself is viewed as a shortcoming. The problem lies in the fact that I am unable to answer 80% of questions asked me about things that I have done that same day without checking my notes. And I have to check my notes in order to perform tasks that I have been doing on a daily basis for two months.

If I have a question about one of our accounts, or about one piece of paperwork pertaining to that account, I have to bring that piece of paper, or the entire file, to a co-worker when I have a question because I cannot remember pertinent facts for the time it takes me to walk from my desk to hers - about 50 feet.
I was just checking some documents on my home computer and see that I first mentioned these memory problems to my GP over 5 years ago. It has not been improving, it seems to slowly be worsening.

[Tando]

Originally Posted by scotty

Tando, the fact that he is prescribing Serzone would make me change doctors immediately.

I'd like to, but I honestly don't know how to find a better doctor, and I don't have the time to try out a half dozen doctors until I find one who even knows about withdrawal and side-effects.

[scotty]

Originally Posted by Tando

I'd like to, but I honestly don't know how to find a better doctor, and I don't have the time to try out a half dozen doctors until I find one who even knows about withdrawal and side-effects.

You have to shop around..staying with one that you have no faith in makes no sense. Did this doc warn you about Serzone?