A Mess - Severe Anhedonia

[Sparrow84]

First of all, I hope it is ok for me to post here even though I wasn't on Paxil. I don't know where else to turn. This is the only place where people seem to have real knowledge of psychiatric drug withdrawal. If it's not ok, I understand.

My story is long and complicated, but I feel that so many of the pieces of the puzzle are important, that I couldn't really leave any out. It may be too long for some to read, so I put some of it into a synopsis below. I will be happy to elaborate on any details. I am a 25 year old female with a college degree, great job, boyfriend, apartment, parents, etc., in other words, everything in my life is going ok except for my brain. Some of my undoing has been my own and some of it is the result of our bizarre psychiatric medical system. I have made stupid decisions and I realize this so please be gentle with me. I am already beating myself up for everything I have done in the past 10 years. Right now my ultimate worry is that the damage cannot be undone and that I will live out the rest of my life as a shell. Since my story is so complicated and is probably not something that anyone else can relate to, I am not sure that anyone will be able to advise me, but I guess I'm giving it a shot. Here is a synopsis of my med history up until the past year where it gets a little more complicated.

1990 (Age 6) – Ritalin for ADD
2000 - Adderall and Zoloft for depression
Hospitalization after 6 months on Zoloft due to worsened depression
2001 – Concerta and Prozac (normalized somewhat)
Summer 2002 – Drug free and happy for 3 months
Fall 2002 – Depression, back on Prozac and Ritalin
College – Experimented a few times with different drugs.
Summer 2003 – Ritalin, Effexor and then Remeron, these AD's made things worse
Fall 2003 – Prozac and Ritalin
Summer 2004 – Fall 2005 – Prozac, taking Ritalin improperly
Fall 2005 – Spring 2007 – Prozac, started taking Ritalin as directed again
Spring 2007 – Fall 2008 – Taking Prozac and Ritalin as needed (I know this was stupid, but the Prozac was making me so out of it I couldn't take it all the time)
Fall 2008 – Present....

This is the crux of my story, where I became someone I don't recognize, this is where is all unravels....

In the Fall of 08 I fell into a depression because I was feeling like I was in a rut, I hated my job and wanted to go to grad school, etc, by January I was a mess. I tried various supplements including Passionflower and 5-HTP. I tried Cymbalta, it made me so dizzy I couldn't even drive so I couldn't take it. I went back to Prozac, felt worse (my doctor said I was worse than she'd ever seen me in the four to five years she'd known me), and at the end of March my doctor decided to switch me to Lexapro. The Lexapro had a bad reaction because there was still Prozac in my system when I took it and it caused my body to shake. That was the only dose of Lexapro I took. I decided I had to pull myself out somehow and got a new job. I decided to try and stay away from psych meds after that but began to become more anxious and depressed than ever which I attribute to the bad reaction to Lexapro scrambling my brain. Finally it got so bad that three months ago my doctor tried me on Seroquel which made me more depressed and unable to concentrate. She tried to put me back on the Prozac and start me on Klonopin and after two weeks my skin began to burn, I became psychotic, and got severe akathasia (I did not sit down or sleep for about 6 days.) I knew it was the Prozac and told her that I was going to stop taking it. I was so crazy that she told me I would have to take the Seroquel until the Prozac was out of my system or else I would have to go to the hospital—I took the Seroquel and began to get bizarre muscle contractions. I stopped taking it fearing tardive dyskenisia. Since I have never had that reaction to Prozac, all I can think is that either the Lexapro reaction or the supplements I took this past winter messed up the chemicals in brain and caused the Prozac not to work for me anymore.

I have not had a pill in two months. Since this happened, I have cried everyday, sometimes nonstop, and my sleep has been severely disrupted. I had some windows in the beginning, moments where I felt like myself, but, now, two months since my last Prozac, I have slipped into severe anhedonia and think of nothing but dying. Everything around me looks dead. I can feel no love or pleasure. I am wondering if all of the above, if everything that I have done to my brain, especially the Ritalin (I have heard of anhedonia happening with very long term meth addicts) and the experimenting I did in college has caused this. I keep wondering if now that I've been off all meds for two months, I am finally seeing myself as I really am, a shell, and that the meds have been masking this shell. I don't know what to do. I have lost all hope for recovery. Right now I pray to God for a way out, even if He has to take my life. I could never do it myself, but I pray for Him to. I wish I could go back to that summer in 2002, where I felt ok before I went to college. I think I was experiencing withdrawal from the Prozac after three months of not being on it and that if I could have toughed it out, I might have been ok. Then I might have been drug free and not done all this stuff to myself just to try and feel happy. I have done so much horrible stuff to my body and been so irresponsible with my meds—I feel so guilty and stupid that I have ruined my life. I feel pretty sure that it will be difficult for anyone to make sense of this mess or advise me, but I would welcome any feedback or ideas as to what might be going on and any ideas regarding if recovery is possible after so many meds and so many years. Thanks for listening.

[scotty]

You are very much welcome here. Your experience is not unusual amongst ssri users. The key thing to remember is that withdrawal lasts alot longer than people think. And anhedonia is VERY common in withdrawal and takes time to resolve.
Your brain right now is just trying to keep the vital things happening. Serotonin and dopamine are critical for "happy thoughts" and those neurotransmitters need time to get back to a predrug level. This isn't going to happen overnight.
I don't know much about Ritalin, but I do know that we are seeing stats that are showing those who used Ritalin are more likely to end up depressed and use ssri's. Pretty vicious cycle.
We're here to help, lend an ear, and are probably the place where you have people who completely understand what you are going through.
This isn't you forever...this is you for now, while you recover.

Question...how did you get off Prozac...cold turkey?

[Sparrow84]

Thanks so much for your support, Laurie. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it.

Unfortunately, the Prozac was a cold turkey. I reinstated it and took it for two weeks at 10 mg along with the Klonopin as recommended by my doctor, she told me to go off the Klonopin after two weeks to avoid addiction and by two weeks my skin was burning. I stopped taking the Klonopin as she said and became absolutely insane (didn't sleep or sit down for 6 days—because of severe akathasia which I've never had in my life). I tried to taper the Prozac by taking one dose and skipping a day before taking another dose, but every time I took it I had a manic episode and my parents were threatening the hospital which I knew would mean more pills. The only way I was able to save myself was by finding sites like Paxil Progress where people had experienced adverse reactions and showing them to my boyfriend. He was able to convince my parents that the mania was drug related and that I did not need to be hospitalized.

Yes, I had heard those studies about Ritalin, too. What a crazy world we live in that children are put on this stuff. It makes sense that it causes depression. Ritalin acts on dopamine (and supposedly some on serotonin as well). It probably down regulates the receptors leading people to become depressed. I worry sometimes that the fact that I've been using it for almost 19 years may result in permanent depression.

I guess this is my chance to see what happens off of everything. I've made a pact with myself to give it a year for my CNS to recover and see what kind of progress I see. If I see progress I will keep going and stay off the meds. If the anhedonia doesn't improve at all, I may have to go back on meds (certainly not Prozac again). This anhedonia is unbearable, I can't even enjoy TV, not one single pleasure, just dead and disconnected. I am having trouble going to work with it.

Thanks again for all your support.

[Sparrow84]

Can anyone tell me about smoking cigarettes in withdrawal? I know I should be avoiding any stimulants but the anhedonia is so bad I constantly feel like I'm going to pass out. I wish I could just have a small break from it. Did anyone smoke during withdrawal and still have success?

[bunny88]

i think your anhedonia was caused by the adverse reaction of lexapro and then prozac. I have it after 8 days on lex

[Sparrow84]

Did you find anything that helped the anhedonia? Right now I'm trying L-tyrosine, the dopamine precursor to get some relief. I can't tell if it's really helping all that much.

[bunny88]

well i dont think this will help, its your receptors that are messed up. You body can still make serotonin and dopamine it just cant use it properly in the brain yet because it is a mess. Im am better then you are now it took a while though. You just have to wait it out. It is the most painful experience i would know. You need to prepare for how ever long it takes though. Reading other peoples success stories helped me through the severe part when i couldnt watch tv. Why dont you post in the general part to see if you get more responses.

[bunny88]

Do you have any other symptoms like racing thoughts or vivid dreams?

[Sparrow84]

Yeah, I think you are right, I'm not sure if the L-Tyrosine is really helping. I don't know if it's the same as the racing thoughts that you are talking about, but I am in a state of constant regret and worry, like I wake up at night thinking how I've ruined my life. My main worry is that this is all from the Ritlain use and that the Prozac had just been masking it for many years. So many people have recovered from SSRI use, but I don't know about long term ritalin use. I do know that things got a lot worse after the Lexapro incident. How long did it take for your anhedonia to improve? Was there anything in the meantime that helped at all? Thanks so much for your time. I think you are right, I will try and post in the general discussion as well.

[bunny88]

yes i have heard of ritalin causing anheodnia too but if you didnt have it bad before the reactions then id blame the reactions. hmmm severe anhedonia is hard heres a list of things you may like to do that helped me:

1.Success stories there are lots here just search anhedonia. Dont search for people with anhedonia on the net they usually just are complaining without even waiting to see if it gets better and will probably make you devo.
2.Researching the science behind these drugs and anything to to with the brain and how good it is at repairing itself.
3.Food (i could always still enjoy this).
4.Newspapers- looking for people in the world who are worse off then you (mean i know but its nice to know).
5.Talk to people on here with similar stories (people who have recovered are usually more then willing to give support.)
6. Exercise (if you can be bothered) doing nothing will make you feel worse. And fish oil -some claim these helped (who knows). Something about increasing bloodflow to the head and making new cells and increasing brain functioning.
7. Tell someone close to you about it (its nice to share your pain).
8. Look up miracle cures that will probly never work but its nice to have a stupid backup plan.
9. Crying & showers (usually relax me for a bit).
10. Do normal suff hang out with friends even if you cant enjoy it distractions are good.

Its hard to say mine lifted to a point of bareable living so slowly but everyones different. About a couple of months (keep in mind i was only on it 8days and have no prior drug use). Its still extremely bad mind you. Hope you see improvements soon your definatly not alone !

[lov4k9s]

I sufferred from FULL BLOWN anhedonia for 14 months,
Amaya's Nana sufferred from it for about 10 months, and Shea Carney for about 18 months....we are all FULLY recovered now.

The recovery period is different for everyone, but recovery does happen.

lov

[Lucy]

lov4K9s, when you said fully recovered, I assume your brain fog cleared, memory problems etc? thanks for coming back to offer encouragement.

[texgirl]

Patience, patience, patience. Two months is extremely early in the withdrawal process. Your brain and body are still trying to achieve balance. Anhedonia is very common at this stage. Lov listed some members here who had severe anhedonia, I can think of others. The point is, it's a process of many months of recovery. You just have to have faith that it does pass.

Being off meds such a short time, I wouldn't start messing with supplements. Your CNS is too delicate and you could end up making things worse instead of better.

[lov4k9s]

Originally Posted by Lucy

lov4K9s, when you said fully recovered, I assume your brain fog cleared, memory problems etc? thanks for coming back to offer encouragement.

Yes...in month 18.

You can see my update here:

http://www.paxilprogress.org/forums/...672#post590672

[PatriceKM]

Originally Posted by Sparrow84

Can anyone tell me about smoking cigarettes in withdrawal? I know I should be avoiding any stimulants but the anhedonia is so bad I constantly feel like I'm going to pass out. I wish I could just have a small break from it. Did anyone smoke during withdrawal and still have success?

I have been a social smoker for about 8 years (actually it started when I started taking paxil,,,.coincidence? ). Mostly when I drink. The other day I had a cigarette and honestly have never felt so horrible. It hit me immediatly after the cig. I felt nausious, weak, shakey. I took a good hour before I felt better, which sucked because I was at a party. And I wasnt drinking at all.
Now Im not smoking at all.

[Lukster5]

I've also had anhedonia..i might still have it mildly but it's gotten alot better after having it severely the first 8 months of my recovery..even when i didn't want to do anything like play volleyball or go out with friends, i did it anyway..i think thats the only way for progession, along with time and patience..yes our brains r in a negative mode but we have to feed it positivity to help with recovery as well..push through it in anyway u can..adding drugs will not help, the body has great healing powers..be realistic and give it months; 2 months is very early.

[NewQuestions]

My guess is that your body has adapted to the years of being on the drugs, and they will not work the same way. The adverse reaction is a symptom of that, not the cause. If this is true, then the best thing would be to go off all drugs, and not take anything for a long time. Let your body heal. I am 9 months into being drug free and experiencing a lot of the problems you are experiencing. You may want to try magnesium and fish oil but thats it. Take small amounts and build from there. You may also find your body extremely hypersensitive to all vitamins and supplements including magnesium and fish oil. I don't take anything.

[Sparrow84]

You guys are the best. Thank you so much for all of your support, advice, and encouragement. It is really keeping me going. It's so good to hear that there is such great potential for recovery. I guess it makes sense that I would be going through withdrawal to this extent, my body has been taking a beating with all these meds for many years, and the last blows to my nervous system with the adverse reactions were huge.

The anhedonia and the cognitive stuff has been the hardest. I cry almost constantly (I struggled with depression some before but I was at least functional--I played in two bands and held down a job, and did not cry all of the time) and, having already had ADD issues to begin with, it is hard to see my brain in an even worse state than it was to begin with as far as memory and concentration. I'm finding that I'm having trouble driving, and when people say things in conversation, I often cannot remember what they said. I'm also finding that I'm having trouble finding words in conversation. Did anyone else have this symptom?

As you guys mentioned I have definitely noticed that my nervous system is hypersensitive to everything. I stupidly had a drink a couple of weeks ago hoping to calm my anxiety (not realizing at the time the extent to which I am now hypersensitve) and I had a major setback. It was probably the worst thing I could have done, and I am kicking myself for it, but I guess I just have to see it as a learning experience. I have realized that I cannot put anything in my body besides good food and water.

Thanks again for all of your support. It is really helping me make it day to day.

[Sparrow84]

Originally Posted by bunny88

yes i have heard of ritalin causing anheodnia too but if you didnt have it bad before the reactions then id blame the reactions. hmmm severe anhedonia is hard heres a list of things you may like to do that helped me:

1.Success stories there are lots here just search anhedonia. Dont search for people with anhedonia on the net they usually just are complaining without even waiting to see if it gets better and will probably make you devo.
2.Researching the science behind these drugs and anything to to with the brain and how good it is at repairing itself.
3.Food (i could always still enjoy this).
4.Newspapers- looking for people in the world who are worse off then you (mean i know but its nice to know).
5.Talk to people on here with similar stories (people who have recovered are usually more then willing to give support.)
6. Exercise (if you can be bothered) doing nothing will make you feel worse. And fish oil -some claim these helped (who knows). Something about increasing bloodflow to the head and making new cells and increasing brain functioning.
7. Tell someone close to you about it (its nice to share your pain).
8. Look up miracle cures that will probly never work but its nice to have a stupid backup plan.
9. Crying & showers (usually relax me for a bit).
10. Do normal suff hang out with friends even if you cant enjoy it distractions are good.

Its hard to say mine lifted to a point of bareable living so slowly but everyones different. About a couple of months (keep in mind i was only on it 8days and have no prior drug use). Its still extremely bad mind you. Hope you see improvements soon your definatly not alone !

Thanks so much for the list of suggestions. I have found that looking up success stories and researching the brain has been especially helpful.

[PatriceKM]

Sparrow - I can relate to you in SO many ways. I too have realized that having alcohol (or any other toxins) has dire consequences.
I have memory problems, concentration problems and lately driving can be weird - (prob due to the concentration issues).
I went through a period of lots of crying. Luckily that has stopped. I think the alcohol that I drank 2 weeks ago was the cause. It made me depressed for over a week! Now THAT is NOT worth it.

Stick to good food, water, omegas, deep breaths, walking, getting fresh air, reading good books, etc. Also I now stay away from caffine, for the most part.

Someday we will be completely cured!

[Sparrow84]

The exact same thing happened for me with the alcohol! I had a drink two weeks ago, and it made my depression worse, I couldn't believe it! It set me back to where I was a month ago when I couldn't make it through an 10 hour work day without going into the bathroom and crying. I have certainly learned my lesson.

The cognitive stuff is so scary, and I'm so sorry to hear that you are having it, too. I keep feeling scared that it is permanent, and I have to keep reminding myself that others experienced those same symptoms and are good as new.

[PatriceKM]

How often are you doing 10 hour work days? I do 8 (40 hours per week). And that is MORE than enough for me.
Oh and I can SO relate to going into the bathroom to cry! My goal is to get through the week without that happening.

Did you only have 1 drink? I had like 4. I was wondering if having just 1 would be a bad idea.

[Sparrow84]

I do 10 hour work days 4 times a week for a 40 hour week. It is so hard to make it through, but I'm not sure that there are any other options.

I actually think that I had two drinks. I was beginning to have windows, and I'm really kicking myself for the setback.

[jcxl09]

i felt the same way you did every day for about 5 and a half months and i thought it would be permanent too. this was after i stopped lexapro 20mg cold turkey after being on it for 7 years.

[Sparrow84]

It's good to hear that it gets better. Right now I'm in a constant state of terror that it's going to be permanent. Did you experience a lift over time, or was it kind of all of a sudden that it got better?