My story - warning: extremely long (sorry)

[ajm222]

Just wanted to share my story and see if anyone else has experienced anything similar.

I've always had some issues with anxiety. First panic attack when I was probably 10. When I was 15 I took LSD and had a tremendously bad experience. I recovered the following day and swore off everything. About a month or two later when I was at my part-time job, I had what I thought at the time was a bad panic attack, but I was terrified it was actually a flashback. At that time I was constantly worried about having a flashback because the original experience was so bad. Well, after a day or two the symptoms from the panic attack (derealization and some visual symptoms like tracers, light sensitivity, floaters and visual snow) still remained. Then a week or two went by and I was still not better. This traumatized me even more because I believed that I was permanently damaged by the LSD and was living in a constant trip, though a much milder version.

Somehow or another I learned to deal with the symptoms and feelings and eventually after a year or so started feeling more normal. I ended up going to college and got to the point where I felt totally normal and didn't even seem to have the visual symptoms. But during my last year in college I had a medical problem that eventually consumed my thoughts and created enormous anxiety because at some point I realized I couldn't think of anything else. I had a rough few weeks dealing with that and eventually went to my Dr. who said it sounded like I had OCD and couldn't shift my thoughts to something else. He prescribed me Zoloft and said it should help with the OCD and in turn the anxiety caused by it. Sure enough it did and I became much better (though I was much worse for several weeks once I started).

Fast forward about 8 totally anxiety-free, wonderful years where I had a good job and met and married my wife. I was still on 200mg of Zoloft because my Dr. said if I felt fine I should stay on it because if you have OCD you probably will always have it and the Zoloft was not supposed to be any worse than aspirin in terms of long-term side-effects and how it was metabolized in the body. However, I had gained a bunch of weight and didn't have much of a sex drive. I had moved to another part of the state and spoke to a new Dr. about switching meds because I was still worried about being on the same thing for life and also was concerned about the weight and loss of libido. He gave me Lexapro and I made a seemless transition immediately. Another year went by and I moved to another state. After 6 months I began my second new job in that period of time, my father passed away, and then my daughter was born just a few weeks after that. I remember sitting in my cube at the new job (that I didn't like very much) and having an overwhelmingly bad feeling. A panic attack hit and all the visual snow and floaters flooded back into my vision.

The next 3 years were up and down. Felt absolutely terrible for the first year with anxiety and depression. Also seemed to have the flu every few weeks. I switched back to Zoloft thinking the Lexapro had given out. I still was in bad shape even after going back on the Zoloft. Eventually I began seeing a therapist and upped my Zoloft to 250mg a day. Over time I began to feel better and started dropping my dose of Zoloft again. But every week seemed to be different and I thought maybe I should just stay on a high dose of Zoloft. This drug fluctuation and roller coaster of emotion continued for a couple years. I became a pretty mean person, too, at least to my wife.

Long story just a little bit shorter, my wife and I decided to make some changes and move back south again. After being out of work for 6 months I decided if I was ever going to stop the meds now would be the time. I was still having ups and downs and had long thought the meds were possibly to blame. Thankfully I did stop because by this time my wife was about to leave me. Turns out I was much meaner and more distant than I thought. Plus, she was under tremendous stress living with her mother-in-law in a new town away from family and friends with no emotional support at home. I began to withdraw the meds, doing it very quickly. Can't remember now but I probably came off it within a month or 5 weeks. Almost immediately upon stopping the meds I began to lose weight, got my libido back and most importantly my wife said I became much more involved with her and our family. She said the change was amazing. I was still a bit moody at times and irritable for the first month or two after stopping, but not nearly as mean and unemotional. Also, several people have commented on my being more present and lively, even though I was dealing with tons of rebound anxiety and depression. I must have been really absent before.

Things were pretty good for a couple of months. But at some point I remember fixating on my wife and her work and became obsessed with the thought that maybe she was cheating on me. I figured it was some of the OCD coming back and the fact that for the first time in ages I actually cared whether or not we stayed together. I didn't really think something was happening (there were absolutely no signs), but there was this part of me that was trying to convince my logical mind that I should be worried. This led to some anxiety and then even more anxiety. After about 5 months (at the same time we sold our house in MA and moved back into our own place after living with my mother for a year) I noticed that I began to feel depressed, very high anxiety all the time and pretty severe derealization. At one point I even woke up early one morning and had this horrible feeling that nothing mattered and nothing was real and I had absolutely no connection to anything or anyone. It's like all meaning in my world and in the universe had vanished. It was terrifying. I felt a bit better the next day but I spent several weeks dealing with these feelings.

Then last week I felt quite a bit better. I had been trying the Linden Method for anxiety and really trying to get a handle on things. But I now think maybe a 'window' had shown itself after a 'wave.' I am still struggling with my OCD and the jealousy and obsession with my wife. I also wonder if that has something to do with my libido which has me thinking like an 18 year old again.

In sum, after visiting this wonderful site, I have begun to think that perhaps 1) my meds pooped out and I made things worse by staying on them for a number of years, 2) the meds made my emotions very flat for all those years and I missed out on feeling some very important feelings particularly when my father died and my daughter was born, and 3) I am now trying to adjust to having feelings again and learning again how to live with OCD and some of the other problems I had that the Zoloft eliminated for all those years. I am almost 6 months out and wondering if the last couple months were part of withdrawal. I hope to feel better and better. But sometimes I worry because of what i've read here and how 6 months is a drop in the bucket for some. I know not everyone has protracted withdrawal. And maybe mine isn't as bad as some. But I was on these meds for a decade at a pretty high level. I wonder sometimes if fluctuating my dosage was a sort of long-term taper, even if the ultimate taper was very quick.

Anyway, I guess it remains to be seen what lies ahead. I am hoping like before (when I was in high school and college) I will eventually get to the point where I feel normal. And then I can deal with anxiety and OCD much more effectively when it comes up rather than take a pill. I will add that I have lost almost all the weight I gained. I don't often get sick. And I again have the libido of a teenager (not sure if my wife is thrilled with this one or not). I am hoping that over time I feel smarter and have more energy. These are things that I worry were caused by the meds. I was always considered very smart in school but have really struggled at work. I was also diagnosed with ADD last year. This came as a great shock to my family. Nothing would have suggested that from my youth. I wonder if the meds have dumbed me down and made me ADD. And I wonder, if so, will I get all that back.

So sorry for the tremendous length. Just wanted to get it all out. Part of the Linden Method says that you should never research your condition on the internet. But for some reason I kept looking and stumbled upon this site and after all these years came upon something I had never been aware of before - protracted withdrawal. It's made me feel better because I thought there was no way I could still be having withdrawal 6 months out.

Thanks for reading.

[Songbird]

Originally Posted by ajm222

In sum, after visiting this wonderful site, I have begun to think that perhaps 1) my meds pooped out and I made things worse by staying on them for a number of years, 2) the meds made my emotions very flat for all those years and I missed out on feeling some very important feelings particularly when my father died and my daughter was born, and 3) I am now trying to adjust to having feelings again and learning again how to live with OCD and some of the other problems I had that the Zoloft eliminated for all those years. I am almost 6 months out and wondering if the last couple months were part of withdrawal.
...
I was also diagnosed with ADD last year. This came as a great shock to my family. Nothing would have suggested that from my youth. I wonder if the meds have dumbed me down and made me ADD. And I wonder, if so, will I get all that back.

Welcome to PP, I think all your deductions are right on, and you are very likely in Zoloft withdrawal. The "ADD" could be cognitive problems caused by withdrawal. You sound like you have a great attitude and are doing everything you can to help yourself, learning other methods to deal with anxiety and so on. People do recover, but it takes time.

[ajm222]

thanks, songbird! i hope you are right. just enjoying perusing this site right now.

[nicole55]

It does sound like you had some withdrawal, but not as bad as a lot of people have it. And some people are able to stop taking the drugs without too much side effects. Or starting the other drugs could have helped too.

Have you looked into exercising-this can help a great deal with anxiety symptoms. Also what about therapy?- if you do start therapy make it clear you want to learn lifelong skills and not take a pill.

[ajm222]

Originally Posted by nicole55

It does sound like you had some withdrawal, but not as bad as a lot of people have it. And some people are able to stop taking the drugs without too much side effects. Or starting the other drugs could have helped too.

Have you looked into exercising-this can help a great deal with anxiety symptoms. Also what about therapy?- if you do start therapy make it clear you want to learn lifelong skills and not take a pill.

thanks. yes, i have found exercise helps and though i have not been getting us much lately i am trying to start up again. i know it's very important. also, i actually was in therapy with a psychologist (who in the US isn't even allowed to really talk to you about drugs) but i didn't have a great rapport with him and stopped going. but it may be useful to find someone else again at some point.

my worry now is reading this site and all the stories about cold turkey withdrawal or tapering too fast, which makes me feel there is a chance i could have a bad 'wave' that goes on for years or something. i will be 6 months out from a quick taper during poop out on nov. 13th and my worst experiences so far happened about a month or two ago and lasted several weeks. i certainly am generally not in great shape day to day, but i do manage to work a part-time job 10-15 hours per week while i watch my daughter during the day and look for full-time work. i am kind of irritable much of the time and wonder if i would be able to hold down a full-time job. but at the same time things are ok and i am managing and feeling much better the last 2 weeks compared to that awful period a few weeks ago when i was suffering very bad derealization, anxiety and terrible self-esteem problems. i actually have had a couple weeks where i have felt pretty good about myself and hopeful for the future. perhaps my withdrawal won't be as protracted as some. but i still worry this is some temporary window that will give way to very bad feelings. i don't really have the option of not working and living a normal life for several years while i try and recover. i wonder if my withdrawal my go quicker because i stayed on the drugs during poop out for so long - almost 3 years. maybe that was equivalent to a kind of taper. i guess none of us know and have to take each day as it comes. but i would hate to not be able to go back on if things were unbearable. but it may be too late for that anyway.

[Songbird]

Try not to 'what if' on yourself, it may never happen, just focus on looking after yourself and keeping a positive attitude, you're doing the best you can. You're right when you say none of us know and to take each day as it comes.

[scotty]

Yup, don't do the "what if" scenarios. If you're 6 months off and doing well, then you're doing well.

[ajm222]

Originally Posted by scotty

Yup, don't do the "what if" scenarios. If you're 6 months off and doing well, then you're doing well.

thanks. good advice. i guess my worry was that i might still not be beyond the point where i could go back and slow taper and that maybe i should do so. but i think 6 months out is probably too long to turn back. and it's true that i've been doing better the last couple weeks and i think i just have to look forward at this point and stay positive. maybe i'm lucky, maybe staying on the drugs for so long after poop out was equivalent to a slow taper in the sense i was in withdrawal already for a couple years in a way as the meds stopped working. who knows.