Success - one year from zero.

Cici · 11-02-2009, 01:55 PM

I think I have been putting off posting this as a success story as it seems to be tempting fate to say “success”, and I superstitiously feel disaster may strike! But I do believe in positive affirmation – so here goes!

A potted history – I had an anti biotic resistant pneumonia which led to chronic fatigue syndrome. I was gradually recovering, when my mother died and my son had a life threatening illness. I was prescribed paroxetine for anxiety, and had a severe paradoxical reaction on taking the first tablet. I was prescribed oxazepam to allay the akathisia, nausea, and increased anxiety (!!!!) until the paroxetine took effect. Six months later I felt my life was on an even keel and stopped the paroxetine. I was fine for two months, and then had what I now realise were withdrawal symptoms, but started paroxetine again. I tapered back on!! I tried again to quit by alternating doses, and was taking 10mgs twice a week when Aropax was replaced by loxamine. Again, I had an adverse reaction; took oxazepam for a few weeks, and was granted a year of Aropax by NZ’s Pharmac. At this stage I found PP and decided to taper slowly. I am very grateful for the wealth of information and support I found here.

The intensive anti-biotics I took to get rid of pneumonia left me with a fragile gut, and my first reaction to any stress seems to be nausea; so looking back at my diary I see a lot of “queasy” days during withdrawal. My GP prescribed domperidone, which I found really helpful, and Losec for heartburn; both of which I took as needed. Like Carolyn, I had to do a lot of brain training to convince myself I wasn’t about to have a heart attack! Insomnia was a problem at times, although I think the fear of insomnia created a vicious circle that kept me awake. I see from my diary that I did take a tablet of oxazepam several times over my taper, but never for more than one night. I had a working knowledge of CBT, visualisation and relaxation techniques from my professional life; but a theoretical knowledge is one thing, and putting it into practice personally quite another. One really good thing to come out of withdrawal is that I have learnt such a lot about coping with anxiety and stress. CBT and deep breathing and relaxation exercises have become an essential part of my life. I also found EFT and SET techniques helpful (thank you Betsy).

Dropping below the 5mg mark seems to be difficult for many. I must admit I was very worried about this, but as Laurie C. said – don’t worry – it may never happen; and she was quite right. In fact, I found the lower drops easier. I’m afraid I have always been a “what if” person, and as Homerbcool says – That's one of the curses of anxiety--we make possibilities into certainties...... Over the last year any time I have felt off colour I have immediately thought “what if this is a withdrawal wave”. My amazingly patient husband has reassured me each time that we all do have times of not feeling well, and I was probably talking myself into a withdrawal problem by worrying.

I’ve survived the zaps, ear whooshes, night sweats, nausea, insomnia, chest pains, heart flutters, panic attacks, foggy brain etc. etc. that plague most of us during withdrawal.(Though I have to admit that my advancing years may have contributed to foggy brain!!) Nearly all of these symptoms are long gone, and I am sleeping reasonably well, though I still sometimes find myself startled awake at 4a.m. So – a year later I am feeling proud of myself. I recently had surgery to remove a tumour, which was thankfully benign. I had a worrying few months with lots of tests. I have always been rather claustrophobic so the prospect of an MRI test was very daunting, but I found I actually coped without a shot of midazalon by using the techniques I have learnt and practised. My GP prescribed oxazepam for me early in the year, as he was sure I would be having lots of legitimate anxiety and sleepless nights. I did take a few tablets, but the bottle is still nearly full. I do like knowing it is there for an emergency though!!

This whole experience has been a real learning curve for me. I think I am a stronger and wiser person than I was a few years ago. I know I am less ready to judge others; and hopefully am more prepared to admit and share my problems. I am still reluctant to plan ahead – I am very happy and content living from day to day, but my instant reaction to a future plan is wondering if I will be well enough. This is the legacy paroxetine has left me – the self doubts, ups and downs, and uncertainties of withdrawal. Logically and rationally, I know I have coped, I am coping, and I will cope; but I still need to work on the “what ifs”. Thankfully, I now have tools to do so. For those of you starting out on a withdrawal journey – there is light at the end of the tunnel! Okay, there are some terrifying posts here, but there is so much support and help. I would still be muddling along alternating doses, and wondering what was wrong with me if I had not found PP. Thank you, all of you.

PS I know many people have been unable to tolerate alcohol at all, but we have always had a glass of wine before dinner, and when I have had a “nervy” tummy I do find that glass relaxes me!! I have also taken a fish oil pill every morning for years.

carolyn · 11-02-2009, 02:22 PM

Fantastic post!!! {{{{HUG}}}} Cici, you're such an inspiration!

I'm so proud of you and going through the MRI and the biopsy and all of that scary stuff.

We can tackle those "what ifs"! Hey, how come our brains never tell us, "what if today is a great day?"?

LCrawford67 · 11-02-2009, 03:25 PM

Congratulations, CiCi! What a wonderful post!

Songbird · 11-02-2009, 04:38 PM

Thank you for your very inspiring post, Cici! I'm so glad you're doing well. I could relate to so much of what you've written, and you've learned a lot of things that I am still working on. This definitely looks like a success story to me!

nickels · 11-02-2009, 04:41 PM

I agree...definitely a success story! Thanks for sharing Cici, and many congrats!

hamcam · 11-02-2009, 04:55 PM

but my instant reaction to a future plan is wondering if I will be well
enough

Thankyou for sharing Cici, particularly this little piece. This is the bit that is a huge struggle for me. I have to get back into work very soon and I am really stressing over whether I can cope. I have lost all confidence in my ability to cope with anything in life at all. I know I have to be brave and just do it.

anjopom · 11-03-2009, 05:22 AM

Congrats on reaching one tear off cici, and for coming back to let us all know your story, you are a success, well done!!!!!!
cant wait for your next update.

Anjopom

rain · 11-03-2009, 10:40 AM

What an up beat post! So nice reading your story... and congratulations!

jeanie · 11-03-2009, 01:26 PM

Congrats Cici!!

paxilgirl · 11-03-2009, 08:28 PM

Gotta love the successes here on this board! Way to go, CiCi!

AussieGirl · 11-03-2009, 10:46 PM

CICI. AWESOME. Just wonderful to read of your success. Thanks for all you contribute to PP too. Michaela xoxo

Si in Wales · 11-04-2009, 02:32 AM

Congrats Cici - that's a great post and a great story. I'm a year off too and will post my own story soon.

pboy · 11-04-2009, 06:14 AM

That's a great post! Well done to you, your attitude is great.

Cici · 11-04-2009, 09:10 PM

Thanks all of you - I couldn't have done it without you all!

Hamcam - I so empathise with you -"I have lost all confidence in my ability to cope with anything in life at all. I know I have to be brave and just do it." (I haven't mastered the quote button yet!!) I used to be (pre - paroxetine) really confident and competent.The funny thing is all my friends still see me that way, while the reality is I'm quaking in my boots, and pretending like mad.Like you- I know I have to be brave and just do it; and the great thing is that every time I do "just do it" it gets easier, and I feel that little buzz of accomplishment.So best wishes for you when you get back into work.

11-02-2009, 01:55 PM	#1
Cici Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: New Zealand Posts: 164	Success - one year from zero. I think I have been putting off posting this as a success story as it seems to be tempting fate to say “success”, and I superstitiously feel disaster may strike! But I do believe in positive affirmation – so here goes! A potted history – I had an anti biotic resistant pneumonia which led to chronic fatigue syndrome. I was gradually recovering, when my mother died and my son had a life threatening illness. I was prescribed paroxetine for anxiety, and had a severe paradoxical reaction on taking the first tablet. I was prescribed oxazepam to allay the akathisia, nausea, and increased anxiety (!!!!) until the paroxetine took effect. Six months later I felt my life was on an even keel and stopped the paroxetine. I was fine for two months, and then had what I now realise were withdrawal symptoms, but started paroxetine again. I tapered back on!! I tried again to quit by alternating doses, and was taking 10mgs twice a week when Aropax was replaced by loxamine. Again, I had an adverse reaction; took oxazepam for a few weeks, and was granted a year of Aropax by NZ’s Pharmac. At this stage I found PP and decided to taper slowly. I am very grateful for the wealth of information and support I found here. The intensive anti-biotics I took to get rid of pneumonia left me with a fragile gut, and my first reaction to any stress seems to be nausea; so looking back at my diary I see a lot of “queasy” days during withdrawal. My GP prescribed domperidone, which I found really helpful, and Losec for heartburn; both of which I took as needed. Like Carolyn, I had to do a lot of brain training to convince myself I wasn’t about to have a heart attack! Insomnia was a problem at times, although I think the fear of insomnia created a vicious circle that kept me awake. I see from my diary that I did take a tablet of oxazepam several times over my taper, but never for more than one night. I had a working knowledge of CBT, visualisation and relaxation techniques from my professional life; but a theoretical knowledge is one thing, and putting it into practice personally quite another. One really good thing to come out of withdrawal is that I have learnt such a lot about coping with anxiety and stress. CBT and deep breathing and relaxation exercises have become an essential part of my life. I also found EFT and SET techniques helpful (thank you Betsy). Dropping below the 5mg mark seems to be difficult for many. I must admit I was very worried about this, but as Laurie C. said – don’t worry – it may never happen; and she was quite right. In fact, I found the lower drops easier. I’m afraid I have always been a “what if” person, and as Homerbcool says – That's one of the curses of anxiety--we make possibilities into certainties...... Over the last year any time I have felt off colour I have immediately thought “what if this is a withdrawal wave”. My amazingly patient husband has reassured me each time that we all do have times of not feeling well, and I was probably talking myself into a withdrawal problem by worrying. I’ve survived the zaps, ear whooshes, night sweats, nausea, insomnia, chest pains, heart flutters, panic attacks, foggy brain etc. etc. that plague most of us during withdrawal.(Though I have to admit that my advancing years may have contributed to foggy brain!!) Nearly all of these symptoms are long gone, and I am sleeping reasonably well, though I still sometimes find myself startled awake at 4a.m. So – a year later I am feeling proud of myself. I recently had surgery to remove a tumour, which was thankfully benign. I had a worrying few months with lots of tests. I have always been rather claustrophobic so the prospect of an MRI test was very daunting, but I found I actually coped without a shot of midazalon by using the techniques I have learnt and practised. My GP prescribed oxazepam for me early in the year, as he was sure I would be having lots of legitimate anxiety and sleepless nights. I did take a few tablets, but the bottle is still nearly full. I do like knowing it is there for an emergency though!! This whole experience has been a real learning curve for me. I think I am a stronger and wiser person than I was a few years ago. I know I am less ready to judge others; and hopefully am more prepared to admit and share my problems. I am still reluctant to plan ahead – I am very happy and content living from day to day, but my instant reaction to a future plan is wondering if I will be well enough. This is the legacy paroxetine has left me – the self doubts, ups and downs, and uncertainties of withdrawal. Logically and rationally, I know I have coped, I am coping, and I will cope; but I still need to work on the “what ifs”. Thankfully, I now have tools to do so. For those of you starting out on a withdrawal journey – there is light at the end of the tunnel! Okay, there are some terrifying posts here, but there is so much support and help. I would still be muddling along alternating doses, and wondering what was wrong with me if I had not found PP. Thank you, all of you. PS I know many people have been unable to tolerate alcohol at all, but we have always had a glass of wine before dinner, and when I have had a “nervy” tummy I do find that glass relaxes me!! I have also taken a fish oil pill every morning for years. __________________ 02-Chronic fatigue syndrome after anti-biotic resistant pneumonia. Aropax for anxiety.2 attempts to quit. 08 - slow taper. Oct.08 - zero and feeling great!

11-02-2009, 02:22 PM	#2
carolyn Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: SF Bay Area, CA Posts: 3,602	Re: Success - one year from zero. Fantastic post!!! {{{{HUG}}}} Cici, you're such an inspiration! I'm so proud of you and going through the MRI and the biopsy and all of that scary stuff. We can tackle those "what ifs"! Hey, how come our brains never tell us, "what if today is a great day?"? __________________ 10mg: May 2002 - August 2007 for panic disorder. 20mg: August 2007 - August 2008; doubled dose after hitting poop-out. Started Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in August 2007. Recommended! Tried to taper too fast in July 2008 and went back to 20mg. Started my current taper on August 2, 2008. Dropped by 8% to 10% every three weeks. Switched to liquid at 9.2mg on March 6, 2009. Currently at 2 mg.

11-02-2009, 03:25 PM	#3
LCrawford67 Moderator "Everybody poops" Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Ohio Posts: 27,634	Re: Success - one year from zero. Congratulations, CiCi! What a wonderful post! __________________ aka LC aka Laurie C. Paxil, 20 mg since 1997, for IBS Two unsuccessful attempts to quit. Started tapering 11/27/06 PAXIL FREE 12/29/07 Snowflakes are one of nature’s most fragile things, but just look what they do when they stick together. ~ Verna M. Kelly

11-02-2009, 04:38 PM	#4
Songbird Join Date: May 2007 Location: New Zealand Posts: 7,532	Re: Success - one year from zero. Thank you for your very inspiring post, Cici! I'm so glad you're doing well. I could relate to so much of what you've written, and you've learned a lot of things that I am still working on. This definitely looks like a success story to me! __________________ Jul 01-Feb 02 Aropax Feb - Dec 03 Citalopram Jul 04 Aropax Jan 07 - Feb 08 20mg - 5mg Apr 4.5mg 5mg Jun 10mg zopiclone > seroquel Jul 20mg Aug + methionine Oct aropax > loxamine Dec off seroquel 7 Dec 17.5mg 30 Dec 15mg 24 Jan 12.5mg 16 Feb 10mg 10 May 9mg 30 May 8mg 5 July 7.5mg 2 Aug 7.25mg 1 Sep 7mg 9 Oct 6.75mg 8 Nov 6.5mg 18 Dec 6.3mg Appreciation is the antidote to stress - Trust is the antidote to fear

11-02-2009, 04:41 PM	#5
nickels Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Long Island, NY Posts: 2,042	Re: Success - one year from zero. I agree...definitely a success story! Thanks for sharing Cici, and many congrats! __________________ Nicole 2000 - 20mgs Paxil for GAD & Panic Attacks 2001 - 30mgs increased to 40mgs 2006 - back down to 20mgs - poop out 2/2007 - C/T off 20mgs - went back on at 10mgs 7/2007 - stabilized then started my taper off of 10mgs 8/2007 - down to 5mgs then found PP and began 10% taper 10/15/2008 - 0! 2/2009 - started CBT to finally work on anxiety

11-02-2009, 04:55 PM	#6
hamcam Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: New Zealand Posts: 287	Re: Success - one year from zero. but my instant reaction to a future plan is wondering if I will be well enough Thankyou for sharing Cici, particularly this little piece. This is the bit that is a huge struggle for me. I have to get back into work very soon and I am really stressing over whether I can cope. I have lost all confidence in my ability to cope with anything in life at all. I know I have to be brave and just do it. __________________ 1986 - 1998 on numerous different antidepressants for depression, anxiety and panic. 1998 - 2009 Aropax 20mg with two unsuccessfull attempts to withdraw. Beginning taper 17.5 mg April 4 2009 15 mg April 18 12.5 mg May 2 10 mg May 16: 7.5 mg May 30. Getting harder so will slow it down. 5 mg June 20 Managed to get liquid. Started that August 25 still at 5mg. 4.6 mg Sept 5. 4.4 mg Sept 13th. 4 mg Oct 8th 3.6 Oct 21 Back to 4.8 mg Jan 1st

11-03-2009, 05:22 AM	#7
anjopom Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 1,670	Re: Success - one year from zero. Congrats on reaching one tear off cici, and for coming back to let us all know your story, you are a success, well done!!!!!! cant wait for your next update. Anjopom __________________ medicated by doctor for grief. 15th Jan 1997 -Nov 2005 30mg paxil, c/t off by doctor. Dec 05, prozac 20mg, propranelol and 10mg Diazepam. March o6 c/t - doctor. April 06 -Nov 07 20mg paxil, Nov 07 - 18mg, dec 07 -16mg, jan 08 - 14mg, feb -12mg, mar -10mg,jul -9mg,aug -8.5mg,oct -8mg,nov -7.5mg,dec 08-7mg, jan09-6.5mg,feb-6mg, 1st mar-5.5mg,end mar -5mg,apr-4.2mg,CRASHED, may-5mg, aug-4.5mg,sept3.8mg, oct-3.2mg, oct - 2.8mg, nov, 2.2mg.dec.1.8,dec1.5jAN 1,2MG taking 100mg magnesium!!!!!

11-03-2009, 10:40 AM	#8
rain Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Bay Area, California Posts: 2,489	Re: Success - one year from zero. What an up beat post! So nice reading your story... and congratulations! __________________ Currently 20mg Celexa 6/6/09 - 17mg appx. 7/6/09 - 15mg 9/7/09 - 12 1/2 appx. 10/24/09 - 10mg 1/19/10 - 7 1/2 appx. ...and then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

11-03-2009, 01:26 PM	#9
jeanie Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: NC Posts: 873	Re: Success - one year from zero. Congrats Cici!! __________________ Jeanie Nov 4th started the weaning process 10-5 mg Nov. 28th---2.5 mg Dec. 26th--1.25mg Jan 7th----ZERO Scripts taking-ZERO Paxil made me feel sleepy, content and nonchalant. Supplements- Multivitamin, B complex, C, Fish oil, magnesium citrate and E. Therapy- attending church, listening to Christian music and praying. Thank you, PAXILPROGRESS I can do all things thru Christ, who strengthens me.

11-03-2009, 08:28 PM	#10
paxilgirl "Stinks of lavender" Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Canada Posts: 10,810	Re: Success - one year from zero. Gotta love the successes here on this board! Way to go, CiCi! __________________ Paxilgirl Put on Paxil for situational depression in August 2003. Was also on .5 mg of Clonozapem. Started on 10mg and increased to 30mg. Weaned off during the summer of 2004. Became PAXIL FREE October 4, 2004. Completely recovered!!! When you stop learning, you start dying.

11-03-2009, 10:46 PM	#11
AussieGirl Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 1,385	Re: Success - one year from zero. CICI. AWESOME. Just wonderful to read of your success. Thanks for all you contribute to PP too. Michaela xoxo __________________ 1988-1997:Nardil ( MAOI) for PND & Panic attacks 1997: Off Nardil & comm.Paxil 60mgs 1998:Went c/t. w/d was awful . Went back on 40mgs paxil. 1998-2001: 20-10mgs paxil. 2002: 20mgs paxil whilst pregnant. Daughter 2 months prem 8th Sept.08 To 10mgsTHEN found this site!!!! 31st Oct. 10mgs struggling 1stDec.9mgs1stJan09.8mgs1stFeb.7.5mgs 28March6.8mgs23rdapril6.1mgspharmacist liquid23rdMay5.5mgs15Jun5mgs7thJuly4.5mgs[[b]23rdJulyCrashed. Back to 10mgs.

11-04-2009, 02:32 AM	#12
Si in Wales Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Body in Cardiff UK, heart in Pembrokeshire Posts: 181	Re: Success - one year from zero. Congrats Cici - that's a great post and a great story. I'm a year off too and will post my own story soon. __________________ 1999 - 20mg Seroxat for depression 2003 - up to 40mg (problems at work) 2004 - back to 20mg Spring 2005 - came off tablets quickly. Problems started after 3/4 months Jan 2006 - back on 20mg April 2008 - started a 6 month taper Oct 2008 - free of Seroxat Now - doing OK, but have anxiety and various withdrawal symptoms. Biggest problems are sweating (affects my work) and tinnitus.

11-04-2009, 06:14 AM	#13
pboy Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: UK Posts: 518	Re: Success - one year from zero. That's a great post! Well done to you, your attitude is great. __________________ On Lexapro for about 2 months & cold-turkeyed. Had withdrawal so re-instated. Started chopping tablets. Then crushing into juice. 5mg (3 weeks until stabilized) then chopping so unsure how much (2.5 weeks) 4.4mg (4 weeks) 4.2mg (3.5 weeks) 3.8mg (4 weeks 4 days) 3.6mg (3 weeks) Now at 3.26mg I am going to get past this and appreciate life!! If you type google into google, you can actually break The Internet

11-04-2009, 09:10 PM	#14
Cici Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: New Zealand Posts: 164	Re: Success - one year from zero. Thanks all of you - I couldn't have done it without you all! Hamcam - I so empathise with you -"I have lost all confidence in my ability to cope with anything in life at all. I know I have to be brave and just do it." (I haven't mastered the quote button yet!!) I used to be (pre - paroxetine) really confident and competent.The funny thing is all my friends still see me that way, while the reality is I'm quaking in my boots, and pretending like mad.Like you- I know I have to be brave and just do it; and the great thing is that every time I do "just do it" it gets easier, and I feel that little buzz of accomplishment.So best wishes for you when you get back into work. __________________ 02-Chronic fatigue syndrome after anti-biotic resistant pneumonia. Aropax for anxiety.2 attempts to quit. 08 - slow taper. Oct.08 - zero and feeling great!

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