This time I'm going to make it!

[Freedom Seeker]

I have been off and on ADs since 1993. PPD and extreme stress put me in counseling and on Paxil in June of 93. There were a series of things that just pushed me over the edge. I had worked professionally up until my pregnancy, no more. We had a difficult multi-state move and home purchase. My dh lost his job...but didn't bother to tell me because it might "upset" me. I found out when we had a slight emergency at home and I call "his" office. They told me he hadn't been there for a few weeks. Okay, it's been 17 years and I'm still ticked off about this! *sigh*

So, it wasn't easy but I think it would have been better if I had someone "sane" to talk to. Therapy was horrible. I was sent to a group for women, learned some CBT, but mostly was introduced to some of the worse self-abusers I have ever met. I was naive. I didn't even know people cut, or physically abused themselves like this...to this extent. I sank lower and lower figuring this was the path I was probably on...all while on a heavy cocktail of paxil, klonopin, lithium, and who knows what else. I had never seen this stuff, never felt like these women, and my heart went out to them while I sank lower and lower. I became agoraphobic. could go to the mailbox because I couldn't see the front door. Couldn't go to the store if I couldn't park within five spaces from the front windows. I needed to be able to see the car or I'd flip out. And so many other things that I can clearly attribute to paxil...rage was one of them. Thankfully I took it out on cabinet doors.

Eventually I pulled myself off this junk under "doctor's care." The klonopin has always been a constant and even today I still use it as a crutch on really hard days. One day at a time.

So, let me speed up the story, partly because my brain is so shot I can't remember most of it. Thank you paxil for the brain damage.

I do remember after coming off paxil in ?1999 developing migraine, low up- take thyroid, extreme weight gain (within weeks I put on 25 lbs) after coming off this junk. I had gained lots of weight on it but the "off it" weight was too much. I was exercising daily, doing weekly weigh-ins with the ladies at work...everyone was shocked. Thankfully, they didn't actually put me on meds for the thyroid, just monitored it. What a mess as you can imagine.

I managed without ads (and now what I know to be wd and rebound depression) for about a year. I got pregnant again but as soon as my son was born I went right back on an AD. I can't remember which one.

So it has been like this for 17 years. I got pregnant again and was sure to be off all meds but back on them after my son was born. I have struggled with weight issues, memory loss, you name it. I have been on paxil, welbutrin, prozac, and probably a few more. I can't remember. I'm an AD junkie. And now I am determined to get my life back!

So, fast forward a bit. I ct'd my prozac early September. Guess what. I gained 20 lbs in two weeks. Went through the headaches, body aches, typical discontinuation stuff. I'm edgy, short tempered, cry a lot (pms contributes), frustrated, tired, restless sleep...same old same old.

Today I am wondering if I should go back on. It seems the rebound depression hit a bit earlier than I would have expected. This weekend was horrible. I made a mistake at a competiton (about 3 minutes out of a 2 day event) and it is eating me alive! I feel stupid, inferior, blah blah blah blah.

So, once again I found myself at Paxilprogress. I found pp when I went through my wd from a short term use of paxil about 2.5 yrs ago. The "flu" was so bad I opted for prozac as a means to an end. I didn't post, but I read. That's where I discovered that for 17 yrs my life has been controlled by big phrama. That's where I discovered the "dependency" is built in to these meds. That's where I discovered that I could make it off this stuff.

My thought was a short term wean off of prozac...then life took a turn for the worse! My brother died. Forget about trying to wean during that. So, another 2 yrs of this junk in my system. I woke up in August of this year and decided I was tired of having no memories of my own, no life on this stuff, and well after a typer that was probably too fast, the second week in September I was free.

Now the fun begins.

[Freedom Seeker]

paranoid...
anxiety...
depersonalization...
exhaustion...
restlessness...
blah blah blah

I'm so tired of this. I want to be normal. I want my life back!

[rain]

I would go back to the point where you felt the most stable... on paxil or prozac. After 6-8 weeks, start a very slow wean. They tell you here to drop 10% of your current dose every 3-6 weeks, or longer for some. I understand how much you want off these meds, but the slower you go the better you will feel. I wish you luck! Also, have you thought about any type of consistent therapy?

[Freedom Seeker]

Thank you Rain. I did go back on prozac and will attempt a slower wean.

This is the worse time of year for me. My days are riddled with panic attacks. Mostly about finances. I have always been a bit of a control freak when it come to our budget. December is always out of control and this year it is no different. Just when I get a handle on things my daughter enrolls in community college; bill due in 3 weeks. She is still a senior in high school so she doesn't qualify for any scholarship money. We can do this! We have saving for just this thing but grip of panic is strong. Right down to the metalic taste in my mouth. I thought writing it out would help...and it has. One of many tricks I have learned over this too long adventure.

I do feel better now that I am stablized again. I hate the control the drugs have over my life. One day, one hour, one moment I guess.