feeling suicidal now

[goinggently]

it's spiraled down so fast, last time I felt like this I tried to kill myself twice, I'm startign to obsess about it again, really scared

[imokay]

Take a deep breath and remind yourself that YOU are the boss not the thoughts. If you are feeling suicidal then you need to reach out to someone who can help you. Do you have a friend or relative that you can call or you can call this number 1-800-273-8255 and someone there can help you 24 hours a day.
When you have these thoughts have you thought about all of the people that will effect if you succeed? I am sure there are a lot more people than you think there are.

[whitetea]

Hi,

I don't know you, but I saw the title of the thread and wanted to stop in.

You are now 8 weeks drug free? I got hit with quite bad symptoms about 7 weeks after I finished the effexor taper (see sig line). Perhaps you are experiencing something similar?

You have come so far! It is an amazing accomplishment. I have attempts in my past as well, so I know what I am capable of. While I am no longer depressed in the least, I know the feeling of wanting to end this suffering. It can feel so unbearable.

The only thing you need to do is to stay alive. The healing will occur provided you stay alive. Drug withdrawal is incredibly difficult, but it IS what is causing you to feel this desperate right now. And it WILL pass as more healing occurs. Things may not be perfect once you have completely healed, but now is not the time to worry about that. Just get to the healing and you will be strong enough to cope with what comes after that.

If you are not safe, make yourself safe. Get help. Tell someone. Take drugs, etc. out of your house. Don't be alone. Don't let yourself get into a situation where you are at risk. Get crisis numbers together and keep them by the phone.

I am SO sorry that you feel this desperate. Your brain is lying to you right now. Befriend it, but don't believe it. Be around people who care about you. Don't hide with these thoughts. I am so glad you posted. Keep doing so. You are not alone.

Take care, stay safe, this will pass,
whitetea

[Sunny1008]

I am still new to this, but can you go back on your previous dose??

[canadiangirl]

going gently i am in the same dark place you are...hang on we can get through this...i have never been suicidal in my life and 2 days ago i was wwondering how many pills i can take to make it happen....then i realized i have 3 chuildren that i cant do that to...its a struggle veryday i wake up lately...messgae me if u need to talk to anyone...

[Cosette123]

Hang on Goinggently! I know the way is hard but you will pass through.
Like Canadiangirl I had never had suicidal ideas before Paxil but I had them during my withdrawal. Thanks to this site I have understood that these ideas are not mine but because of the WD.
Life is worth!

[Sunny1008]

Just wanted to tell you all that I am right there with you. I am currently crashing after tapering too quickly over the past couple of months. You all are in my thoughts and prayers.

[TryingtoGetWell]

I just now saw this thread. What you're going through is w/d and unfortunately is a common w/d symptom, not what you really want to do, as you know.

How are you doing now?

Please make sure you go somewhere safe where there are people around to help you if you feel you are a danger to yourself. This feeling can be so strong but it is an illusion and really does go away as you heal from w/d.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Faust3x]

I have been to that dark edge many times, tried killing myself 4 times. Though you gotta talk to yourself and tell the pills, and the problems they won't beat you. They can push you down, but you are going to choose to get back up. Remember it's all in the mind and you can get through it, it won't last forever.

Hang in there.

[Si in Wales]

Hi GG

I read your post and was saddened to read of your current situation. As I logged in today I was wondering how you were now.

I agree with TTGWs comments about having people around you at a time like this - be it professionals or family.

I sincerely hope things get better soon. Never forget there are people who understand your situation on here and are rooting for you.

Cheers


Si

[rose32]

Hi I am brand new at this . Hang in there you are an inspiration to me. I am still scared to even start. Keep up the good work. I am sure you will do it ,w/d. I am going to start tapering off of paxil soon. You will succeed as so many on this site just keep on. They have been an inspiration to me to start. My primary dr. changed my dose and I did not realize what had happened. I went from 30mg a day to 20 without knowing and went crazy for a while. I am now doing better. It has been hard. Don't give up you have many people out there to help you. Rose 32

[stan]

hi Goinggently

many in withdrawal had these ideas, even i,

it will be a big stupidity, after a while we are better and have no more these ideas

[TryingtoGetWell]

Originally Posted by rose32

Hi I am brand new at this . Hang in there you are an inspiration to me. I am still scared to even start. Keep up the good work. I am sure you will do it ,w/d. I am going to start tapering off of paxil soon. You will succeed as so many on this site just keep on. They have been an inspiration to me to start. My primary dr. changed my dose and I did not realize what had happened. I went from 30mg a day to 20 without knowing and went crazy for a while. I am now doing better. It has been hard. Don't give up you have many people out there to help you. Rose 32

Welcome to paxilprogress, rose32!

Yes, 30 mg to 20 is a HUGE jump.

Please feel free to start your own thread telling us your current medication level and med history if you'd like input on what to do now. Only you can decide what you want to do when, but collectively we have a lot of experience to share that helps make decisions, and a lot of advice when you need it (it doesn't sound like your doctor understands about withdrawing slowly and carefully - and even those who do usually give a taper schedule that's not what we find makes for quality of life while tapering).

Please don't be scared to start. You may need to stabilize for a while before tapering, but then you can do a very slow taper (dropping by no more than 10% of most recent dose) that can be quite manageable. Bear in mind that many of us who post about horror stories either c/t'd (cold-turkeyed without tapering) or tapered too fast (too large drops in dose and/or without sufficient interval between drops to stabilize at a dose and allow the brain to start healing from the drop). Fortunately you found this site soon enough to take a different path which has been far more successful and tolerable for most people (people have continued working and taking care of their families and even earned graduate degrees in college while slow tapering during the time I've been a member of this group - these same people had tried unsuccessfully in the past to quit following doctor's instructions, but were very successful doing the very slow taper!

When you can, write a signature outlining your med history with dates and dosages of changes (as much as you can remember, anyway) to help us better in helping you. Let us know if you need more information on how to do that.

I had a very bad withdrawal from tapering too fast. I've been a member of this group for years now, and I see clearly that withdrawal doesn't have to be as bad as mine and so many others' were. Many of us come here having gone off the med without knowing what we now know.

It would really help us to help you

[TryingtoGetWell]

Originally Posted by stan

hi Goinggently

many in withdrawal had these ideas, even i,

it will be a big stupidity, after a while we are better and have no more these ideas

Exactly!!! I am proof of that.

[scared36wife]

My husband is having alot of those thoughts too...I am sorry please hang tight and breathe.....we all feel your pain.

[Junior]

Originally Posted by TryingtoGetWell

Exactly!!! I am proof of that.

As am I.

After switching from Paxil to Lexapro, having a bad time with the Lex, then switching to Cymbalta whose side effects I just didn't like - I was forced to reinstate at 20mg of Paxil. I waited 3 weeks then doubled the dose. 20mg-40mg is massive. I had always been able to increase or decrease at 10mg increments, but now that my nervous system had become sensitised, obviously I couldn't.

It didn't really help my inablity to sleep - the reason I did it. But then I suffered a combination of feeling like my nerves were jittery (it was internal) and symptoms of depression. After starting a new job, I was forced to take a day off during the 2nd week. NOT a good look. But after only 2 hours sleep it just wouldn't have been safe to drive. I laid in bed all morning feeling suicidal. I had sleeping tabs and put them beside my bed, with a glass of water. Twice I reached for them - once I counted out ten and put them out, ready to take. The second time I had them in my hand but... I just couldn't do it.

It was / would have been a massive cry for help. I wanted something to change but I didn't know what to do. Well, I sucked it up and went into work the next day. Spoke to HR who were very supportive (this really surprised me as I expected to be sent on my way) and I decided to continue on in the job. As the higher dose began to work, I began to feel better, and I found I could do the work. At first I had no emotions. I really don't know how I got through that period tbh. I just did. I stayed on the 40mg for 3 months and allowed myself to stabilise. When I was feeling spaced out, I knew it was time to drop the dose. That was last Sept / Oct.

I am now about to start a new job (nothing to do with the drugs), have just booked a trip to Europe for July / Aug 2011, and couldn't be better.

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. Just keep believing that.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Junior

[Cosette123]

Originally Posted by stan

hi Goinggently

many in withdrawal had these ideas, even i,

it will be a big stupidity, after a while we are better and have no more these ideas

Dear Stan I do hope you are right...I have again these ideas ,feeling like a crap and desperately alone...

[rose32]

Hi , I am so slow on this I have been working on a trail for these meds. I have been on these for a long time. I started on prozac back in 1989 then on paxil since about 2000. I will post on my profile later. I was so glad that you answered back. It was nice. I don't feel so alone with this. I know it will take a lot of persistance sometimes I just don't feel like I have it in me. I am already sick with other stuff and to add this is frightening. I did not realize some of my problems were from this but now I know it. I did not realize that the half life of this drug could cause such problems. I now know that some of what I have experienced has been a lack of following the medical directions. I was never warned about missing a dose or changing the mg amount. No wonder my life has been a roller coaster. I just thought it was stress which has been aboundant in my life.

[no-fear]

Hi, i am 17 months off paxil and am currently obsessed with the thought of dying and killing myself, it came on so quickly and i was not expecting it at all, but i guess that is what it is like being in a really bad wave, it is strange because it does not feel like normal depression and tbh i actually feel not too bad mood wise, it is just these crazy thoughts that are in my mind. please keep yourself alive and i will do the same.

[Cosette123]

Originally Posted by no-fear

Hi, i am 17 months off paxil and am currently obsessed with the thought of dying and killing myself, it came on so quickly and i was not expecting it at all, but i guess that is what it is like being in a really bad wave, it is strange because it does not feel like normal depression and tbh i actually feel not too bad mood wise, it is just these crazy thoughts that are in my mind. please keep yourself alive and i will do the same.

I agree with you: it does not feel like normal depression.
The most unbearable (For me) are the discontinuous progress. I had suicidal ideas a few months ago ,they passed and now they appear again. I feel despera

[Cosette123]

Originally Posted by no-fear

Hi, i am 17 months off paxil and am currently obsessed with the thought of dying and killing myself, it came on so quickly and i was not expecting it at all, but i guess that is what it is like being in a really bad wave, it is strange because it does not feel like normal depression and tbh i actually feel not too bad mood wise, it is just these crazy thoughts that are in my mind. please keep yourself alive and i will do the same.

I agree with you: it does not feel like normal depression.
The most unbearable (For me) are the discontinuous progress. I had suicidal ideas a few months ago ,they passed and now they appear again. I feel desperate because it is hard to fight them, especially because I have to fight against the other "Paxil enemies" like agoraphobia, muscles pains...
I have NEVER had suicidal ideas before, even during the worse moments of my life.

[Sunny1008]

I also agree that it doesn't feel like normal depression. It is like your brain being tortured. I am right there with you. Please hang in there. We will get through it.

[TryingtoGetWell]

I too agree that w/d depression is different from normal depression. Depression can be very severe, but it truly feels different in w/d.

I guess the only good thing about that is that you know it's w/d and will heal, and not to believe that's how you really feel or think.

[TryingtoGetWell]

Originally Posted by Cosette123

I agree with you: it does not feel like normal depression.
The most unbearable (For me) are the discontinuous progress. I had suicidal ideas a few months ago ,they passed and now they appear again. I feel desperate because it is hard to fight them, especially because I have to fight against the other "Paxil enemies" like agoraphobia, muscles pains...
I have NEVER had suicidal ideas before, even during the worse moments of my life.

I'm so very sorry you're in this wave. You're such a lovely lady, and I wish so much you weren't going through this.

I was so glad you had a window recently - try to remember that you had that and that you will have more and more windows and fewer and fewer waves. The waves are so frustrating, but I think the ups and downs are part of the healing process. Maybe sometimes we're healing too fast during a window (even if it doesn't feel like it) and nature "puts the brakes on" to prevent another imbalance until further healing. I've felt like that may have been happening with me in the ups and downs of w/d.

Big hugs to you and hope you feel better soon.

[rose32]

Originally Posted by TryingtoGetWell

Welcome to paxilprogress, rose32!

Yes, 30 mg to 20 is a HUGE jump.

Please feel free to start your own thread telling us your current medication level and med history if you'd like input on what to do now. Only you can decide what you want to do when, but collectively we have a lot of experience to share that helps make decisions, and a lot of advice when you need it (it doesn't sound like your doctor understands about withdrawing slowly and carefully - and even those who do usually give a taper schedule that's not what we find makes for quality of life while tapering).

Please don't be scared to start. You may need to stabilize for a while before tapering, but then you can do a very slow taper (dropping by no more than 10% of most recent dose) that can be quite manageable. Bear in mind that many of us who post about horror stories either c/t'd (cold-turkeyed without tapering) or tapered too fast (too large drops in dose and/or without sufficient interval between drops to stabilize at a dose and allow the brain to start healing from the drop). Fortunately you found this site soon enough to take a different path which has been far more successful and tolerable for most people (people have continued working and taking care of their families and even earned graduate degrees in college while slow tapering during the time I've been a member of this group - these same people had tried unsuccessfully in the past to quit following doctor's instructions, but were very successful doing the very slow taper!

When you can, write a signature outlining your med history with dates and dosages of changes (as much as you can remember, anyway) to help us better in helping you. Let us know if you need more information on how to do that.

I had a very bad withdrawal from tapering too fast. I've been a member of this group for years now, and I see clearly that withdrawal doesn't have to be as bad as mine and so many others' were. Many of us come here having gone off the med without knowing what we now know.

It would really help us to help you

Hi I am not sure or how to do this If you would help me I would appriciate it. I do want to wd and the easiest way possible.