Giving Up

[JRDrum]

I'm in a really really really bad place right now and I don't know what to do or who to turn to so I'm coming here.

I am approaching 3 months off meds and things are getting really bad.

I'm thinking I need to go back on meds and I really didn't want to do that but now that most of the physical withdrawal symptoms are gone, I'm feeling the psychological ones more and more and it's equally debilitating if not worse.

I'm feeling right now what I felt 11 years ago that led me to meds in the first place and it's the worst feeling ever...; I don't want to live. At least not like this. I don't want to get out of bed. I feel hopeless and worthless and I hate myself. I can't stop crying and feeling sorry for myself, I feel rage and jealousy and resentment and anger and want to tell the world to go f themselves. It's really really ugly and honestly kind of scary.

I have so much rage that at times it's scary. I find myself (for no good reason) wanting to throw things or punch things and Its taking everthing I have not to follow through w/ that. I have been lashing out at my husband, telling him I hate him and other horrilbe things (that I don't really mean) and I just can't live like this.

I've contemplated suicide a few times now for the first time in over 10 years... and it's not that I'm really suicidal, I don't think I could ever do that, but its more that I just don't want to live.

I'm really fatigued, constantly tired, and I have zero motivation. I can't concentrate on my job or anything at all.. I'm easily overwhlemed and I'm just not functioning properly.

I've been trying to take the steps towards being healthy to combat all of this... I've been eating better, taking a multi vitamin and getting more exercise.. but that's not cutting it. I feel better for a little bit and then it's back to wanting to die. (And I happen to have a great life and a lot to live for which makes me that much more crazy)

My mother was diagnosed with cancer last week which makes things harder but it's not even that that is making me this way. (even though that's probably What SHOULD be at the forefront of my mind) I'm just not coping with life in general anymore.

Today was particularly rough so I gave in and called the doctor and made an appointment to discuss going back on meds because I can't live like this.

It kills me to have to consider meds again after all I went through to get off them and that although it's not even 3 full months off, I felt Like I was beating it and doing ok. But I'm not happy, I'm depressed, angry, manic, pretty much crazy and possibly dangerous and it's not a way to live and it's getting increasingly worse.

I also feel awful b/c the thing that prompted me to go off in the first place was the prospect of getting pregnant but there is no way I want to bring a child into the world where I am unable to care for myself let alone a child and I don't want a kid to be brought into a home where there is rage and anger and screaming or any of that... I'm just too emotionally unstable.

On the flip side, if I go back on meds, I will likely level out and be better but then I don't think it' safe to get pregnant while on meds, so I don't see how I can win that one. Perhaps I'm doomed to not have children if I want any quality of life (on meds)? I dont' even feel like I want children anymore that's how depressed I am and I've ALWAYS wanted them. And my husband wants them and we're not getting any younger and our window for this is closing so it's just really frustrating and upsetting and I don't know what to do.

Last time I saw this doctor he recommened lamictal and I do'nt want to take that but really I'm not aware of any CLEAN drugs that really exist.

I know I could try therapy but in the past that has done nothing for me and I don't believe it will combat the rage or the ups and downs I'm feeling. I want to just die. Or at least go to sleep and not wake up. I can't live this way. I don't know what to do.

[LCrawford67]

How did you feel when you were on Wellbutrin?

[JRDrum]

well I was on a combo of wellbutrin and lexapro for about 8 years and I felt pretty good. I mean I had my moments but I was sooo much better. Not suicidal, rarely cried.. I was, for lack of a better word, "stable". I would say I was good. Happy even. I was still a lil nuts but on a scale from 1-10 I was probably a 5 and now I'm at a 10.

[JRDrum]

..but if you are asking how I was feeling when I was on JUST welbutrin which was for about a month most recently ... I wasn't doing great then either. Better than now but not great. But when I got off Welbutrin and became "med free" which is now for about a month, that's when I really took a nosedive.....

[LCrawford67]

I'd go back to the Wellbutrin then. Don't add the Lexapro, if you don't have to. Wellbutrin is a class B drug vs. Lamictal and Lexapro being a class C drugs, and would be "safer" for pregnancy.

Also, I wouldn't go on Lamictal, as that's just another drug and you've already been on four different drugs.

You have to do what you have to do to maintain quality of life. That's the most important thing. Ideally, no one wants to go back on and I'd highly recommend giving therapy another try. But, if your marriage is suffering and you'd rather be dead....then I would think those alternatives are much worse than going back on Wellbutrin.

[imokay]

JR First let me say I am sorry to hear about your Mom I will add her to my prayers. 3 months off is really not a long time to be off of the meds I had a horrible time the first few months. I am now at 8 and a half months off and even though I am going through a rough spot right now I am still a lot better than I was at 3 months. and I expect that once this bad wave is over I will be even better and stronger and I know you will too. But if going back on meds is what you decide to do then of course we will support you no matter what. ((((HUG))))

[JRDrum]

Thank you for the responses.

LCrawford, I'm not sure if wellbutrin alone will cut it ... that's what I'm afraid of... so if it doesn't then what's the point in taking it right? It wasn'tt that easy to get off of so to start and stop it again sounds awful... Also is it really safe for pregnancy?

I agree that trying Lamictal is just another drug and I don't need that.

I think the symptom I most want to combat at the moment aside from the depression is the RAGE. I feel so much of that. And then of course the sadness. Oh and the chronic fatigue. And what's amazing is that for as tired as I feel, I'm still a lifelong insomniac. And I"m still taking tylenol PM to get to sleep at night.

I'm just a hot mess. I am hysterical as I type this.

I don't know what to do. I really dont. I know you guys can't answer it for me but It helps to hear something i GUESS.

[JRDrum]

oh and Imokay thank you for the prayers for my mother. Amazingly, and I feel like a disgusting person as I type this... that hasn't even been the thing that's getting me. I mean it's added some stress to my life but even if she wasn't going through this I'd still be a mess. But she can use all the prayers she can get as she is having surgery on Wed to remove it. (breast cancer)

[imokay]

Rage is a VERY VERY VERY common sie effect of withdrawal. EVERYTHING pisses me off. My husband asked me a couple of weeks ago if there was anything that DIDN'T piss me off and that question pissed me off. My oldest daughter keeps sending me texts that say K or KK instead of OK & that drives to me INSANE!! I know it is something totally stupid and it shouldn't bother me but I have asked her to stop doing and it and she keeps doing it anyway and it pisses me off way more than it should. As far as fatigue by 2pm I am ready for bed and it is all I can do to not fall asleep at my desk. And I cry at the drop of a hat. Stupid stuff makes me cry. But I figure that I didn't cry for years while I was on paxil so it is all those years of pent up tears finally coming out.
Also I guess I must have miss read something I thought you had been off for 3 months but your sig says it has only been 1 month. The first month or 2 I felt like I was on a really bad acid trip but I got through it and so will you. Hang in there it will get better. (((((HUG))))

[JRDrum]

Originally Posted by imokay

Rage is a VERY VERY VERY common sie effect of withdrawal. EVERYTHING pisses me off. My husband asked me a couple of weeks ago if there was anything that DIDN'T piss me off and that question pissed me off. My oldest daughter keeps sending me texts that say K or KK instead of OK & that drives to me INSANE!! I know it is something totally stupid and it shouldn't bother me but I have asked her to stop doing and it and she keeps doing it anyway and it pisses me off way more than it should. As far as fatigue by 2pm I am ready for bed and it is all I can do to not fall asleep at my desk. And I cry at the drop of a hat. Stupid stuff makes me cry. But I figure that I didn't cry for years while I was on paxil so it is all those years of pent up tears finally coming out.

Hmmm well if it's a symptom of withdrawal... Id like to know how long it's going to last b/c it's an awful feeling and it's so not how I want to be or live. I've been free of that for years.

Mind you it's not just an irritiblity factor where things just annoy me, more than usual, I'm talking rage where I have an overwhelming desire to pick up a glass and smash it at the wall. Where I slam down the phone 50 times as hard as I can til It almost breaks, where I want to punch my tv screen. It's scary.

Also, I wonder, is this the result of withdrawal or am I just hardwired to be rageful like my father who is that way? B/c I had issues with rage prior to starting meds and the meds helped tame it... so I wonder is this a symptom of withdrawal or is it just what's in me coming back out again in the absence of meds? Know what I mean?

Either way, I can't stand it and neither can my poor husband.

[Lucy]

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. I know how bad lexapro withdrawal can be and how physically exhausted a person can feel afterwards. It has been almost 2 years since I quit lexapro. I still have some waves of feeling very tired, but I'm much much better than I was at the 3 month mark. If you're able to tough it out, things will improve with time. But if you decide to go back on medication, it's possible you could get by with a low dose. how did you feel on the 5 mg, and as you tapered down to the low doses?

[LCrawford67]

Originally Posted by JRDrum

Thank you for the responses.

LCrawford, I'm not sure if wellbutrin alone will cut it ... that's what I'm afraid of... so if it doesn't then what's the point in taking it right? It wasn'tt that easy to get off of so to start and stop it again sounds awful... Also is it really safe for pregnancy?

I agree that trying Lamictal is just another drug and I don't need that.

I think the symptom I most want to combat at the moment aside from the depression is the RAGE. I feel so much of that. And then of course the sadness. Oh and the chronic fatigue. And what's amazing is that for as tired as I feel, I'm still a lifelong insomniac. And I"m still taking tylenol PM to get to sleep at night.

I'm just a hot mess. I am hysterical as I type this.

I don't know what to do. I really dont. I know you guys can't answer it for me but It helps to hear something i GUESS.

Again, ideally...it would be best to not be on anything, while pregnant. I'm just letting you know the class of each drug. It's something you'd need to discuss with an OB/GYN and study thouroughly for yourself.

Only you know what you can endure and again, maybe it's time to look a therapy again. Sometimes, a different therapist can make all the difference in the world. And, if you found a great therapist; you could beat this and not worry about drugs and pregnancy!

[JRDrum]

Originally Posted by Lucy

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. I know how bad lexapro withdrawal can be and how physically exhausted a person can feel afterwards. It has been almost 2 years since I quit lexapro. I still have some waves of feeling very tired, but I'm much much better than I was at the 3 month mark. If you're able to tough it out, things will improve with time. But if you decide to go back on medication, it's possible you could get by with a low dose. how did you feel on the 5 mg, and as you tapered down to the low doses?

I was FINE when I was at 5mgs of Lexapro coupled with the 150 wellburtin. I really was good. But when I went off completely I just got so sick. (as I[m sure you know) and then once I started to feel better I went off Wellburtin, felt sick again and then when the sick wore off it was just this feeling of tired all the time and zero motivation.

If I did go back on It would be at very low dosages of anything but either way, it's scary and I don't want to repeat this cycle. I'm so at a loss b/c I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

[JRDrum]

Originally Posted by LCrawford67

Again, ideally...it would be best to not be on anything, while pregnant. I'm just letting you know the class of each drug. It's something you'd need to discuss with an OB/GYN and study thouroughly for yourself.

Only you know what you can endure and again, maybe it's time to look a therapy again. Sometimes, a different therapist can make all the difference in the world. And, if you found a great therapist; you could beat this and not worry about drugs and pregnancy!

Thank you. I guess I need to talk to an OB doc? I never even thought of htat. I don't even have one here I just moved to a new city and I haven't been to a doc yet. I'm not ready to get pregnant yet, ESPECIALLY now that I"m an unstable nightmare "zilla" as my husband calls me. Again, suddenly I don't even want any children. (which is so not like me) but what I know I DO Want is to feel better again. Sure I can keep pushing through but to hear peoploe say that even after 2 years they feel tired and this and that, I'm soo not interested in going through that. I can't> I'm too weak.

[Lucy]

Well, I'm a lot older than you, so that might be part of the reason I'm still tired after 2 years~! I do think younger people bounce back a lot quicker than those of us past menopause. Even so, two years seems like a long time, but I feel so much better now than I did those first few months.

I agree you need to feel more stable before getting pregnant, but speaking with an OB doctor sounds like a good place to start.

[imokay]

Originally Posted by JRDrum

Hmmm well if it's a symptom of withdrawal... Id like to know how long it's going to last b/c it's an awful feeling and it's so not how I want to be or live. I've been free of that for years.

Mind you it's not just an irritiblity factor where things just annoy me, more than usual, I'm talking rage where I have an overwhelming desire to pick up a glass and smash it at the wall. Where I slam down the phone 50 times as hard as I can til It almost breaks, where I want to punch my tv screen. It's scary.

Also, I wonder, is this the result of withdrawal or am I just hardwired to be rageful like my father who is that way? B/c I had issues with rage prior to starting meds and the meds helped tame it... so I wonder is this a symptom of withdrawal or is it just what's in me coming back out again in the absence of meds? Know what I mean?

Either way, I can't stand it and neither can my poor husband.

Oh I know it isn't just simply being irritated. It is rage. I have thrown the phone across the room and almost broken lots and lots of things. (and broke one thing that is not only expensive but meant a lot to someone I care about more than anything) I get so mad I can't see straight and it is a horrible feeling. It is like PMS magnified 1000X. It is NOT you it IS the meds. There are plenty of other people here that can tell you stories about rage in withdrawal.

[JRDrum]

Thank you Lucy. It makes me so sad to read stories of people suffeing like this and it makes me MAD. I recently encouraged a friend of mine to go of Lexapro and she's now reporting how depressed she feels etc... these drugs are the worst. Granted in my case I feel I needed them and I couldn't go on living the way I was but the fact that you can get stuck taking them for life just kills me. And I don't know if I should go back or fight through it. Fighting through just seems so miserable and helpless though.

[Lucy]

Originally Posted by imokay

Oh I know it isn't just simply being irritated. It is rage. I have thrown the phone across the room and almost broken lots and lots of things. (and broke one thing that is not only expensive but meant a lot to someone I care about more than anything) I get so mad I can't see straight and it is a horrible feeling. It is like PMS magnified 1000X. It is NOT you it IS the meds. There are plenty of other people here that can tell you stories about rage in withdrawal.

I threw things, too. fortunately this only lasted a month or two for me, and I never damaged anything important. Also, there was something that I had to drive past regularly that was very annoying to look at; it was something that was built incorrectly and had an 'unbalanced' appearance. It infuriated me just to look at it when I passed by. I had to change my route for a long time in order to avoid seeing it. Now I think about how ugly it is when I see it, but it doesn't make me angry anymore.

[NoRx4me]

Also, I wonder, is this the result of withdrawal or am I just hardwired to be rageful like my father who is that way? B/c I had issues with rage prior to starting meds and the meds helped tame it... so I wonder is this a symptom of withdrawal or is it just what's in me coming back out again in the absence of meds? Know what I mean?

I think it is definitly a symptom of withdrawal. I've read that many times on here and in several books.

Personally, I think whatever the original problems that the drugs helped, are often the ones that are exacerbated in withdrawal. People with anxiety start having panic attacks, people who had mild depression have suicidal depression, etc. Just my theory/casual observation.

You've only been off meds for 1 month and you took them for 11 YEARS. Your body and mind need time to adjust. Please don't think you are crazy or hardwired to be a violent person.

Is there any way that you can take some time off of work? For me, when I was just a month off, getting to work was SO hard. I would cry on the drive in. I didn't think I could make it. I couldn't speak to anyone because my thoughts were not connecting. I ended up quitting my job.

Its really hard to remember the specifics of how things were back then but I know I felt as desperate as you sound. Things will get better.

As for Lamictal; it is its own nightmare. Your doctor suggested it, I'm sure, because its a so called "mood stabilizer" and you are feeling rage. I was prescribed it because I was irritable and had insomnia (due to SSRI's). It didn't help. It slows down brain function, its not safe for pregnant women (i know your not pregnant or planning it yet), it is very hard to withdrawal from too.

I think the rages will subside in time. I wish I had advice to help with them now. All I can think of is maybe taking some time off work would make life a little less stressful and give your body and mind some much needed rest time. I had those rage feelings when I was on meds.

Come to think of it, I had rage when I was on birth control (18 years ago)too. Have you had any changes with that?

[babs]

JR, I can relate to just about everything you wrote in your original post. I had a really really rough time of it emotionally during withdrawal, and I can't tell you how many times I thought "this is it ... I just can't function without meds" and came very close to going back on something. The thing that stopped me was fearing that if I did take something it would actually make me feel worse (that happens a lot), and my deeply held belief that pills aren't the answer, and I would heal over time. I had everything you describe ... rage, depression, despair, hopelessness, fear. Those are all withdrawal symptoms, and if you ever felt any of those before they are back and greatly magnified in withdrawal. Your brain will tell you "see, I really am a f*cked up person" but it's the crazy brain of withdrawal saying that. I don't believe there's a person out there who truly NEEDS these meds ... they are just a band-aid to cover up symptoms but they don't work forever and then you have to pay the piper.

If you go back to meds, and it works and you feel better, you will have bought yourself some time at best but will eventually have to deal with withdrawal from whatever you're on. If you stick it out you are going to feel bad on and off for a while but it really does get better and you do heal, regardless of what your brain is trying to tell you. I think most of us here truly believed at one time that we would be the one person who does not heal, but there are dozens of success stories posted here to prove that we do.

[JRDrum]

thank you all for the responses.

NoRx I wish I could take time off work. I did take today off b/c what started this downward spiral was an inability to concentrate on the task I was on and it was frustrating.

I own my own business and my husband works with/ for me so I sort of can take a day if I need to and just step away BUT I can't take any REAL time off b/c if I do, my business will fail. As it is, It's not doing great but I can't walk away from it. I can't leave my husband to do all the work either b/c he can't do it single handedly and it's just the two of us. But anyway... I agree, it would be great to be able to take a few weeks to just get my mind straight... though I am afraid that it will be more than weeks for me. '

Deep down I know time will heal and that I will be ok and I know I can do this if I push through. I really don't want to go back to meds but today was one of those "I can't do this anymore" kind of days and I just know this is not the way I want to be or how I want to live my life. And it's not fair to those around me.

I'm very lucky to have a very patient, kind and understanding husband b/c If I were in his shoes I'd have been out the door by now. I've tried to push him away and it's so unfair that i do that to him.

As much as I hate therapists, I'm thinknig perhaps I should try and talk to someone about it all before turning to medication again. Esp b/c of what Babbs said.

Someone here once suggested CBT as a special kind of therapy that I should try... I didn't realize there were different kinds but I think it's time to give it a go. Something has to change and I'm really not sure i"m ready to go back to meds even though that would be easier in the short term.

Ugh. I just want to sleep and wake up and it's all gone and better.