lost all my humanity (thanks Bupropion/Wellbutrin)

[Darkcloud]

private message

[walden]

Ehi dark, some good news?

[scotty]

Originally Posted by someonehelp8

I have alot of lawsuits if I live through this I dont want to sue anybody though just the company that did this to me. That way Im no longer a burden on my family and can live by myself and pursue a possible stem cell intevention it might be my only hope regardless of what the FDA says

You took a mega doses of an unregulated supplement, don't count on any lawsuit. This is why everyone MUST be wary of supplements.

[walden]

Originally Posted by someonehelp8

Whats a PM

I write it here:

which substance did you use for your SPECT scan? There are different for different indications. Thank you.

[Darkcloud]

Originally Posted by walden

Ehi dark, some good news?

The only good news I have is knowing its possible to recover from pssd. There are a few strong options out there that I'm planning on trying that people had success with.

As for you Someone I'd suggest to wait for your brain to recover without adding so many different things to the mix

I took a heavy drug that screwed me up to the point I couldnt sleep and couldnt get tired and had to use ziplocone for months but turned out it was quite addictive. Eventually my sleep patterns returned to normal once I quite along with a frozen constant alert numb state.

My bet is your brain is in shock mode from the bad reaction to the nitro oxide supp you took and needs time to rebalance and things will slowly smooth out like it did for me.

I'm not perfect or fully recovered but still far away from the hellish state that I was in which as you described sounds similar to your current state.

Chopping and changing with meds and supps doesn't sound like its doing you any good combined with the oxygen chamber thing.

Try and rest out this period if you can.

[walden]

Originally Posted by Darkcloud

The only good news I have is knowing its possible to recover from pssd. There are a few strong options out there that I'm planning on trying that people had success with.

Dopamine agonists - Ritalin - Acupunture?

[alexxxten]

Hi everybody, my name is Alex. I had depression/anxiety and was on TRITTICO (trazodone) for 4 months (June-Oct) after this period I have sever Anhedonia. I can't live anymore like a zombie. I really can't enjoy nothing. I'm unable to go to school, to talk with my friends, to get out... I feel a pshyhical numbness on my mind, not just a numbness of emotion. I really don't know what to do after this horrible months...

PS: I'm on Rhiodiola Rossa, Bilomag, and Omega 3 fish oil, but did nothing for my apathy.

[someonehelp8]

Here is an update for everyone

I am using 100-125 mg of Benadryl (Diphenhydramine) and that only gives me a couple of half awake dream like things between 2-6 a.m. the over the counter works best and the prescriptions dosesn't seem to do much. I also started taking 1-2mg ativan not even sure if it is helping at this point

I tried acupuncture it helped me get sleep with half my medication the first day but after the 2nd session things seemed to get worse it got harder to cry although it did seem to help the numb areas in my temples I seem to have gotten a little number libido wise if that is even possible at this point. I saw a psychiatrist today that is different than the ones I have been seeing she thinks that my hypothalmus might be compromised why it seems to get worse and why it go worse after getting better for months we can only guess Ill probably end up in the hospital maybe they can make me sleep. It just feels like my brain is degenerating Im getting other odd soreness in different parts of my head now

why wont this stop getting worse I stopped taking this stuff in april and only for 3 days than had things improve for so long only to degenerate into this total insomnia and complete emotional numbness

As the headaches got worse my symptoms got better than they fizzled out and the right side went numb after taking friggin vitamins my life is absolute hell

As far as lawsuits I have found a legal team and I took only 5 servings of the reccomended dose over 3 days

[someonehelp8]

Also I had another sleep study only to confirm that I am not sleeping even with the drugs I Think I got half an hour of stage one they said wont get the complete results until I see sleep doctor this waiting is hell.

Supplements from GNC are not suppose to cause degenerative brain conditions but this seems to have why is this happening to me

[alexxxten]

DeVoid,
Some changes?

[DeVoid]

Originally Posted by alexxxten

DeVoid,
Some changes?

I didn't think I could devolve any further from where I was last year, but somehow I did. After the day of sudden improvement, the insomnia and waking up in a confused state, things fell apart.

Somehow, I've lost everything inside me that made up my inner being, and I literally don't care. All of the elements that made up my sense of personal self are no longer there (all emotions, personality, and feelings). Literally, 31 years of human experience have come to nothing.

My inner emotional construct that most people take for granted no longer exists. I have lost all my hopes, dreams, fears, desires, opinions, values, and likes/dislikes. I now have the same feelings for my mother or best friend that I have for a ceiling fan: none at all. No matter what I think of or experience, there are no feelings associated.

My consciousness has literally been changed to completely eliminate an inner self and emotions. All of the sensory input is now devoid of feelings, feelings that used to be so basic and familiar. I think that I am no longer human, I am nothing. Just a body. And I am unable to feel anything about the situation, as that part of me is gone too. My inner universe no longer exists.

I fail to see how withdrawal from an antidepressant could cause this, but it is the only thing I can point to as a cause. I am fine in every other respect mentally (cognition, intellect, memory, co-ordination), so I have ruled out some type of dementia or brain disease. The brain MRI which I had in September came back negative.

The very brief sudden positive change I experienced happened 6 months ago, and after that day everything inside me disappeared again, but this time more completely than ever.

There has been no sign of a change in 6 months, so I think this may be permanent. And before that 6 months, there was another 4 months of near-nothingness, and before that another 2 months of hell (that was when there was still a part of me that was able to feel I was losing something and felt horrified). So it's been about a year since this all started. Yet every second of my life feels like nothingness, so there is no concept of a year.
I am unable to care about the time lost.

This seems to me to be quite a singular case, as terms like "anhedonia", "blunted feelings" and "lack of interest" do not describe this state. The core of who I was as a person was completely erased, and I don't know if there is a way it will ever come back. If not, it is only a matter of time before I end this non-life. I am in fact already quite dead in a sense, so it won't be much of a change.

[amyhatespaxil]

DeVoid, I am pretty new to this forum so I probably don't have many words of wisdom but my heart is breaking for you. I am not sure what is wrong with you. I'm not a doctor. But then again it sounds as if they are failing you as well. Please don't give up. You sound so defeated. The human body and the brain have a miraculous ability to heal. Many on this board have acknowledged it taking years for the brain to heal. I would think because you were on so many AD's it might take a bit longer. Can you hang in there?

[NoRx4me]

Somehow, I've lost everything inside me that made up my inner being, and I literally don't care. All of the elements that made up my sense of personal self are no longer there (all emotions, personality, and feelings). Literally, 31 years of human experience have come to nothing.

My inner emotional construct that most people take for granted no longer exists. I have lost all my hopes, dreams, fears, desires, opinions, values, and likes/dislikes. I now have the same feelings for my mother or best friend that I have for a ceiling fan: none at all. No matter what I think of or experience, there are no feelings associated.

My consciousness has literally been changed to completely eliminate an inner self and emotions. All of the sensory input is now devoid of feelings, feelings that used to be so basic and familiar. I think that I am no longer human, I am nothing. Just a body. And I am unable to feel anything about the situation, as that part of me is gone too. My inner universe no longer exists.

This seems to me to be quite a singular case, as terms like "anhedonia", "blunted feelings" and "lack of interest" do not describe this state. The core of who I was as a person was completely erased, and I don't know if there is a way it will ever come back.

I have felt the EXACT same things you described. I think many people have, they just lacked the ability to explain it better than naming it “anhedonia” or “blunted emotions”.

I have said to myself, “I’m nothing/no one”… “I don’t even feel human anymore”, “my dreams, likes/dislikes, uniqueness, whatever made me me, is all gone”. I have years of my life that I don’t remember, I can’t even pull from my past experiences.

I felt this way after being a year off meds and still after a year and a half. Things are slowly getting better although, I need to work to rebuild my life and myself. It wasn’t like everything just popped back and I was myself again. But I have hope and feelings again.

Hang in there.

[DeVoid]

Originally Posted by alexxxten

DeVoid,
Some changes?

Originally Posted by amyhatespaxil

DeVoid, I am pretty new to this forum so I probably don't have many words of wisdom but my heart is breaking for you. I am not sure what is wrong with you. I'm not a doctor. But then again it sounds as if they are failing you as well. Please don't give up. You sound so defeated. The human body and the brain have a miraculous ability to heal. Many on this board have acknowledged it taking years for the brain to heal. I would think because you were on so many AD's it might take a bit longer. Can you hang in there?

I think I have been defeated. There is no me left to defeat. It's really an unthinkable situation to be in. Losing literally everything inside of you, your very soul. I've waited 6 months since the last change, I'm sure I can wait another six, but it all seems rather pointless.

[amyhatespaxil]

I don't think you've lost it completely. It's in there. Somewhere. It's just hiding right now. Masked by whatever has taken over you and made you feel like everything has been sucked out. Like I said, I'm no doctor, but maybe if you put yourself in situations that would work towards pulling something back out, maybe you can find your soul again. Trust me, I KNOW how hard it is to push yourself to do things, especially when you don't care and don't have anything left. But I would imagine it would be very difficult to heal isolating yourself and sitting in a room all day by yourself. How could you find your soul again when there's no stimulation. Maybe not trying the same old things you used to like but something new that will rattle your cage. Sky diving perhaps? Something that's so intense it might wake you up? It's not pointless btw. You might not see your worth right now, but you ARE worth something. In a deadened state or not. Life is worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for.

[NoRx4me]

maybe if you put yourself in situations that would work towards pulling something back out, maybe you can find your soul again. Trust me, I KNOW how hard it is to push yourself to do things, especially when you don't care and don't have anything left. But I would imagine it would be very difficult to heal isolating yourself and sitting in a room all day by yourself. How could you find your soul again when there's no stimulation. Maybe not trying the same old things you used to like but something new that will rattle your cage. Sky diving perhaps? Something that's so intense it might wake you up?

Thankfully, you don't have to be a doctor to give excellent advice!

[Rachelina]

I would just like to point out that your post does seem full of despair, which is an emotion, even though you say that you don't care. If you are thinking about ending your life, that can only mean that you are suffering terribly, which means that you really can feel something.

I've felt exactly what you describe, although not for such a long stretch without a break, and it was terrifying. Actually six months is not that long in the course of healing from drug-induced damage, so please don't give up hope that you will see improvements in the future. At least try to live AS IF you had hope of healing; i.e. force yourself to do things that would promote the healing of your soul, even if it's hard for you to believe that could ever happen. I believe firmly that the spirit can heal from these deadened times, that your spirit is still inside you somewhere and will "wake up" in the future.

Devoid, after reading your entire story I really hope you see some improvement soon. By the way, the narrative is spellbinding, when you regain affect (or even before) I think you should write a book.

[Insomniac]

DeVoid, I feel so sorry that you are suffering that much, but maybe if you could somehow ignore that sense of emptiness by diiverting consciosness of self to rhe outside world; try to live for others, not for urself, at least as long as you are in this state and yoou are waiting to heal. Maybe doing something productive (like working on a plant farm)will accelerate recovery, even if you want see any benefit from it for urself, but you'll be doing something productive, you will be contributing and youll get some sun ibstead of being locked up in ur room. You are physically not disabled, so you need to divert ur mind from ureslf and the state you are in, and occupy urself with something, so that the waiting time till you recover can pass more quickly. I think it may help, but ruminating about how messed you are and how you dont feel nothing will only make things worse IMO. I am sorry, but I wish we could all have a time machine which could bring us back to the time before all this , so we could make smart decisions, but since this is impossible, we can only learn from our mistakes and try to go on with our lives, no matter how hard it is. Try to live for others. I hope that you'll get better with time, many people here healed with timr which gives me hope that i'll recover. If a person who went through a coma for a period of several months, recovered amd became fully funczional again, I think you should too. Hang in there, you'"@ be stronger than ever when this nightmare is over!

@somebody, i also had adverse reaction after consuming rhodiola rpsea, 2 months after weaning from paxil, from that point on i couldn't sleep at all, i felt like my brain became very raw, like there was no fluid, and i also felt sorness and now i have a nzmb feeling in my neck and my forehead. Whaz i found to be somewhat helfull for me is wuling, herbal supplwment. I also tried benzo for sleep but they only made things worse by givong me alasthisia. Keep us posted how u progress.

Sorry for all the typos, i am writing from a mobile phone..

[DeVoid]

Originally Posted by amyhatespaxil

I don't think you've lost it completely. It's in there. Somewhere. It's just hiding right now. Masked by whatever has taken over you and made you feel like everything has been sucked out. Like I said, I'm no doctor, but maybe if you put yourself in situations that would work towards pulling something back out, maybe you can find your soul again. Trust me, I KNOW how hard it is to push yourself to do things, especially when you don't care and don't have anything left. But I would imagine it would be very difficult to heal isolating yourself and sitting in a room all day by yourself. How could you find your soul again when there's no stimulation. Maybe not trying the same old things you used to like but something new that will rattle your cage. Sky diving perhaps? Something that's so intense it might wake you up? It's not pointless btw. You might not see your worth right now, but you ARE worth something. In a deadened state or not. Life is worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for.

I know it sounds strange, but it's impossible for me to have any human experiences. There is nothing inside to resonate or absorb an experience on any level. I'm in some sort of limbo existence that is closer to nonexistence.
I've been through the other things (depression, anhedonia, blunted feelings, no feelings), but trust me when I say this is completely different.

I know you are all trying to be encouraging and helpful (and thanks), but somehow your advice seems more appropriate for someone with a relatively normal human consciousness who may be going through an experience of terrible withdrawal. None of it seems to apply to me. I seem to be in a state of consciousness that is almost unheard of. It was likely caused by mind-altering drugs, but it it doesn't seem like a process of withdrawal, it seems like a permanent state.

Does anyone here believe me when I say that my "condition" is so far outside the realms of normal that it is extremely rare, if not completely unheard of?

[kathleen2]

Unfortunately, believing one's experience is completely unusual is completely common.

Try not to give in to the cognitive distortion of predicting the future. It could last forever, it could not. In the meantime, perhaps if you're unable to live an emotionally rich life, invest in an intellectually rich one instead? Go back to school, go see new places, write a book about your experiences, take a full-time job that's mentally challenging. 'Insomniac' has some great suggestions.

Good luck--

[DeVoid]

Originally Posted by Rachelina

I would just like to point out that your post does seem full of despair, which is an emotion, even though you say that you don't care. If you are thinking about ending your life, that can only mean that you are suffering terribly, which means that you really can feel something.

Believe me, I feel nothing, not even despair. If it comes across that way, it's a false perception. That's one of the strangest parts about the whole thing, the fact that I can't feel anything toward the loss of all parts of myself. I am thinking about ending my life, not because I am suffering on any visceral level, but because the erasing of my inner being and humanity could not be more complete. I realize that my life has come to nothing and that everything I've felt, experienced, and worked for is gone. I am in a state of non-being 24/7. If that is not a good enough reason, I'm not sure what is.

I've felt exactly what you describe, although not for such a long stretch without a break, and it was terrifying. Actually six months is not that long in the course of healing from drug-induced damage, so please don't give up hope that you will see improvements in the future. At least try to live AS IF you had hope of healing; i.e. force yourself to do things that would promote the healing of your soul, even if it's hard for you to believe that could ever happen. I believe firmly that the spirit can heal from these deadened times, that your spirit is still inside you somewhere and will "wake up" in the future.

It is really impossible for me to do anything at this point. I can't force myself when there is literally nothing there to force. The spirit isn't deadened, it's nonexistent. No one could really understand unless they experienced it for themselves, and I don't recommend that. Not even for a day, much less 6 months.

[DeVoid]

Originally Posted by kathleen2

Unfortunately, believing one's experience is completely unusual is completely common.

That doesn't negate the fact that a completely unusual experience is still possible. I'm having one.

Try not to give in to the cognitive distortion of predicting the future. It could last forever, it could not. In the meantime, perhaps if you're unable to live an emotionally rich life, invest in an intellectually rich one instead? Go back to school, go see new places, write a book about your experiences, take a full-time job that's mentally challenging. 'Insomniac' has some great suggestions.

Good luck--

It runs so much deeper than not having emotions. It's losing the entirety of your inner being, the one that began developing since you were born. The seat of your basic human drives and desires, the sum of all your feelings and experiences. The crux and core of your humanity. All of it gone. It's impossible to have any sort of a life like this, intellectual or otherwise. I don't expect anyone to truly understand.

Maybe I'm not here for suggestions (which do not apply to me), but to document something that I think is extremely rare for future reference.

[DeVoid]

There is not much online that comes close to my experience, but there is one very old case of a preacher named Simon Browne in 1723 who describes a state very much like the one I am in. Of course, there were no human-engineered psychoactive drugs back then - he came to this state as the result of a traumatic experience (accidentally killing a man, something so completely against his morals).

The link below has an account of the story. Of particular interest to me is the block of text beginning "perfectly empty of all thought..." which describes the state I am in quite closely.

After the experience, he went on to be a successful theological writer, but remained homebound (like me) and was very inactive (like me). He died young as a result of this inactivity. BTW, a "p-zombie" is a philosophical zombie, basically a thought experiment used by philosophers to describe a person who appears normal but has no conscious experience. I would describe myself as more of a soulless zombie.

http://lesswrong.com/lw/69/the_zombi...r_of_somerset/

[kathleen2]

Your desire to share your experience with others, to seek commonality and attention, all shows emotion, thus the prognosis isn't without hope.

I assume you're not having any psychotic delusions or alternate hypotheses of reality, aren't feeling the need to hurt yourself or others?

If not, and you're not unhappy, there's no harm in spending 50 or 60 years sitting in a room and thinking about your brain. Some ascetic monks do it.
I say, go for it. Ebrace it. Rent a room, live in solitude, take a pt job to pay for it--something that doesn't involve much interaction with people--you could be a school janitor, a cafeteria lunch lady, a garbage man--and spend your days alone in your room writing your story. If you're not causing your family pain or expense--i assume you don't have kids?-- it could be the life you're meant to lead. you're clearly very invested in the narrative you've crafted, so embrace that narrative. Don't wuss out. Be that really original guy who doesn't have sex, doesn't interact with others, just sits and thinks and writes. Unplug the internet right now; it's the medium for 21st century relationships, so must seem useless to you. Throw it out the window. Buy a notebook. Start writing.