lost all my humanity (thanks Bupropion/Wellbutrin)

[someonehelp8]

I knew if this conditions was ever going to get better is was not going to be with more drugs. In the beggining vitamins seemed to aggrevate my symptoms.

I had the reaction April of 2010 saw a steady improvement even as the constant stining headaches grew worse and spread up until August 2010 then some symptom worsened and then after I took a megadose of vitamin E thinking it might help me heal I noticed the right side of my skull started going numb certain symptoms started worsening and then when the numbness reached the center of my head this wierd insomnia started where I just get weak and exhausted but never tired or sleepy.

I only started sleeping pills after this wierd crazy insomnia started and I got off all f them when my memory problems head and scalp numbness and these horrible cracling episodes they were causing got to bad.

When I got of the drugs these cracklign sounds and sensations in my head stopped. Hoever my memory problems keep getting worse.

I have had 3 sleep studies first showed 5 hours sleep with 10mg ambien, 2mg clonoping and 200mg trazadone.
2nd 149 minutes of sleep with 100mg benadryl and 1 mg ativan.

Last showed a little over 200 minutes of sleep with 205 awakenings.

My head pressure forehead, scalp and head numbness keep gettting worse.

Im on 200-250 mg trimiprimine for sleep I sometimes get these attacks of paralysis now sometimes when I take sleeping meds and sometimes when I do not where I find mself lying or sitting down unable to move or speak but totally awake. I try screaming for help but I can not move my mouth

They are terrifying and the crackling pains and attacks of paralysis make me terrified of ECT.

I have been using a device called the Fisher Wallace Stimulator to see if it helps my symptoms but after 2 months nothing has happened. I have also been doing accupunture when I can and it helped alot at first then my whole head started burning and I stopped sleeping and had to go back into a hospital where they drugged me and just made me worse.

My SPECT scan was not detailed enough to show the sleep centers of my brain though it did suggest and injury to my anterior temporal lobes and possibly the Basal forebrain and or thalmus. I have read the nitric oxide production in the Basal forebrain is necessary for producing sleep and making someone feel tired. I wonder if there is some type of connection.

Of course the ambien, seroquel, clonopin, trazadone, ativan lunesta, nememda, remron and benaadryl have not helped my memory or other problems and just keep complicating matters but the crazy insomnia and memory loss and unbearable on top of my many other symptoms

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Basal_forebrain

Here is the link about nitric oxide and the basal forebrain my SPECT scan shows inactivity in this exact same area but it goes right through my head into the center and since I had my scan my scalp and head numbness memory problems and sleep have gotten much worse.

[texgirl]

I don't really understand the point of a sleep study if you're on medication for sleep. I just don't see how you can hope to get an accurate reading of the underlying problem when the baseline has been chemically altered. It would be like giving somebody a 2-pound bag of Hershey's kisses and then taking a reading of their blood sugar.

[Shiloh1]

In my experience, Trazadone and Sleeping pills, Benzos, Benadryl (over the long term) CAUSED insomnia, depression, blunted emotions, burning, tingling, memory issues and numbness.....

[DeVoid]

Hi all,

I have an update on my situation (in case anyone cares). My mental state hadn't really changed at all, but I was starting to try to occupy myself with other things that would benefit others (i.e. starting several YouTube channels and uploading various collections of things relating to my previous interests). And I was starting to exercise daily.

That's when a whole host of new physical symptoms started. About two weeks ago, I started experiencing the following symptoms consistently:

• random shooting pains in different parts of the body - sometimes with a burning sensation (neuropathic?)
• random warm sensations in spots all over body
• numbness in certain spots that comes and goes (arms, legs)
• pain in fingers
• random muscle twitches and spasms in arms, legs, and trunk (sometimes severe)
• headaches/pressure in head (sometimes with same burning sensation that happens in other parts of body)
• paresthesia (pins/needles), mostly in the head/scalp, sometimes hands/feet
• constant tiredness
• feeling faint
• seeing stars

Now, keep in mind, before this started, I'd say this was 95% mental, and was centered around the complete emotional disconnection from myself and the world (though I definitely remember getting some random pains and muscle spasms at night many months ago).

This past Tuesday, I had a spell of weakness during the afternoon where I broke out in a cold sweat and I felt very faint. This passed, however that night my heart felt like it was beating so slowly it was almost stopping. I had another fainting spell feeling and I honestly thought I was dying.

When it passed and I seemed more stable I tried going to sleep. I woke up about an hour later to a choking sensation - it felt like my throat was closing up and I had the urge to gag. I had chest pains along with this and thought I was having a heart attack (with my obesity I couldn't rule it out).

I ended up going to the walk in clinic where my GP is located (first time I'd been out of the house in over a year - everything felt dead). They took an EKG as well as blood and urine samples. The results were not negative - there was concern over an elevated white blood cell count as well as 2 keytones present in the urine. I was referred to the emergency room for further testing.

Long story short, I was at the ER for half the day being monitored and taking a full range of blood and urine tests, as well as a chest x-ray. They also checked blood sugar. Everything basically came back negative. The white blood cell count wasn't elevated enough to cause a concern, and I was told the keytones were because I wasn't eating properly. I wasn't, but that was because of how I was feeling, not vice versa.

I was sent home and Wednesday was uneventful (just constant fatigue and not being able to think straight). Thursday I had another "choking attack" and went to the walk-in again.

As an aside, going outside my room, it is evident that I couldn't feel any more zoned out from the world. The sense of nonexistence every second and the complete lack of feeling ANYTHING towards all sensory input is quite evident. I literally feel dead. I can communicate fine and other than my expression never changing and not being a very fun person to talk to, you wouldn't know anything is wrong. But this state has persisted every second of every day for a year and 5 months. It feels like I am not conscious.

Anyway, they checked my vitals and did an x-ray of my neck to check for an obstruction of the airway but found nothing. The doc felt my neck for any strange nodules but didn't feel anything abnormal. I was ordered to get an over the counter allergy medication (in case of throat closing) and sent on my way.

Since Thursday I've still been getting this feeling in my throat every day but I just have to ignore it because it is obviously nothing detectable, after being to the hospital and 2 doctors. Other than this my main symptoms over the past few days have been:

• headaches
• cold feelings in my arms
• vaguely bad taste in my mouth
• slightly cold mouth/tongue
• constant fatigue
• difficulty thinking

The muscle spasms and burning sensations/pains are not as bad as they were last week, though still there occasionally. I haven't had any spells of feeling faint since the day I went to the hospital. After doing some research online, many of the symptoms could be related to the thyroid (mainly hypothyroidism). However, a thyroid level was one of the things checked by the blood tests at the hospital and it was normal.

I really don't know what to make of all this. All the tests coming back negative is puzzling to me, because something DEFINITELY feels wrong with me physically. I am wondering if whatever is causing these physical symptoms is also causing the mental state. Part of me is afraid it may be something really bad like CJD or dementia of some kind.

I have a physical scheduled with my GP for April 2nd. I have no idea where this is going. Does anyone think it could be my thyroid? The choking feeling is really bothersome. I haven't been myself in so long, and now it feels like I am becoming chronically ill on top of it. Just great.

[LCrawford67]

Choking is a very common allergy symptom. I get it all the time at random times of the year. The doctors tell you this and tell you to get an OTC allergy medicine, yet you still insist you have something else wrong.

Your constant over monitoring isn't doing you any favors at all and actually fueling your mental and physical symptoms.

[DeVoid]

Originally Posted by LCrawford67

Choking is a very common allergy symptom. I get it all the time at random times of the year. The doctors tell you this and tell you to get an OTC allergy medicine, yet you still insist you have something else wrong.

Your constant over monitoring isn't doing you any favors at all and actually fueling your mental and physical symptoms.

You have to understand that before a couple of weeks ago I wasn't getting any of these symptoms. I never complained once of a physical symptom in this thread, it was all mental. I have never had this choking sensation in my life, I have never had such an allergy. I have never had these seemingly neurological symptoms. I didn't make them up out of thin air, I am actually experiencing them.

I am not saying the doctors are wrong, but something physical is going on. I was sent to the hospital for a reason, that can't be denied. The fact that nothing concrete was found doesn't mean there is nothing wrong, just that nothing could be detected at the moment. I can say that the physical symptoms I am experiencing are VERY real. I'm not sure why it is necessary to minimize that.

[LCrawford67]

Physical symptoms from anxiety ARE very real, I'm not minimizing that. And, just because you never had a catch in your throat, or an allergy before, doesn't mean you won't ever acquire one. I didn't have an allergy problem at all until I was 25 years old and that was long before taking an SSRI.

Of course you were sent to the hospital for further testing, based on what you said you were experiencing. But, as you found out from testing at the hospital, there was nothing there. And, this was told to you twice.

You can ask anyone who suffers with any form of anxiety and even depression, about physical symptoms. They're all very real but there's no disease process going on with them. Read this board - almost everyone here has had extensive medical testing done because of either withdrawal symptoms or because of their anxiety. Absolutely every test has come back negative.

[texgirl]

Physical symptoms can have emotional causes. A huge percentage of anxiety symptoms are, in fact, physical. That's what convinces people they have a "real" disease and send them running to the doctor or the ER, only be told there's nothing wrong.

[DeVoid]

Originally Posted by texgirl

Physical symptoms can have emotional causes. A huge percentage of anxiety symptoms are, in fact, physical. That's what convinces people they have a "real" disease and send them running to the doctor or the ER, only be told there's nothing wrong.

OK, great. I'm fine then. Nothing is wrong.

/thread

[texgirl]

Yes, something is wrong. You have health anxiety.

Nobody is discounting that this is serious or that you need help. But expecting doctors or health care workers to treat you for it is impossible. Once they've run their tests and everything checks out OK, they've done everything they can for you. The only next step they will be able to offer you is psych drugs.

The only "cure" is to address this behaviorally. And that means accepting that there's nothing physically wrong (you've already had the tests to prove that) and that the symptoms are scary but harmless and can't hurt you. In other words, to stop fighting and fearing the fear that's fueling this.

[TryingtoGetWell]

I also want to suggest that in addition to still recovering (yes, it can take at least this long) from having been on and off wellbutrin a number of times with extremely bad apparent kindling reactions, it sounds like you may have had a bit of a virus or something (you said your white count was elevated briefly, though not enough to be alarmed about).

And although that wouldn't account for all your new symptoms (could have triggered some though), you said yourself you haven't been able to eat well, apparently to an extent that tests showed ketones attributed to malnutrition.

I understand how sometimes in w/d one can hardly eat, but don't diminish how severe some symptoms of malnutrition can be and some people need more nutrients than others. You don't need to eat more food necessarily, but if you haven't been eating well, it sounds like you need to eat much more natural nutritious ones.

Many of the symptoms you mention can be very real symptoms of nutritional deficiencies. I know that sounds absurd, but it's happened to me.

Do you by any chance live near a health food store that has a "food bar" with fresh, natural, nutritious food? (If not, you can still get nutritious foods - even at supermarkets - if you make the effort in choosing what you eat.

Please take me seriously - I think you need to try getting as wide a variety of densely nutritious foods, even if small portions at a time. Whole grains and yogurt are possibilities for more B vitamins (I can think of more). Protein foods (try to eat some eggs if you tolerate them; they're a very "complete" food for the most part). Vegetables and fruits - fresh, not canned.

You get the idea... And if you can only eat a little at a time, that's okay. It's actually healthier to eat small portions more often throughout the day.

You don't have to do elaborate cooking (I am SO not good at cooking and I cook on one electric burner, don't even have a stove that works anymore). And health food stores and some supermarkets have a variety of healthy frozen foods that taste good,

If I'm right that you're malnourished, it will take a while of eating healthy to get substantial improvement. But it will make a big difference in your health in many ways. Please try it - it can't hurt and I think it will help. (And the brain needs nutrients too, remember.)

[Lucy]

Originally Posted by DeVoid

And I was starting to exercise daily.

That's when a whole host of new physical symptoms started.

Some other people have posted about having an increase in symptoms or sudden appearance of new symptoms after starting a vigorous exercise program. "justy" is one who comes to mind --- you can do a search for his posts. He thought his symptoms were triggered by working out at the gym. Are you taking any supplements? Some of us have had worsening of symptoms with certain supplements.

[scotty]

Originally Posted by DeVoid

I am not saying the doctors are wrong, but something physical is going on. I was sent to the hospital for a reason, that can't be denied. The fact that nothing concrete was found doesn't mean there is nothing wrong, just that nothing could be detected at the moment. I can say that the physical symptoms I am experiencing are VERY real. I'm not sure why it is necessary to minimize that.

Yes, there is something wrong...you're not eating to the point that you are spilling ketones in your urine(a sign of protein breakdown)...a sign of malnutrition and I'll assume that you are not drinking either, which can cause pretty much everything that you are feeling.

Fixing this is in your control.

[miriza]

So sorry Devoid! Hoping this is temporary and you get some relief soon.

(((((HUGS)))))

[DeVoid]

Originally Posted by miriza

So sorry Devoid! Hoping this is temporary and you get some relief soon.

(((((HUGS)))))

Thanks. A couple of days after posting my last update I started taking thyroid and adrenal support supplements, because every single symptom I was having matched symptoms of hypothyroidism.

Since I have been taking these I have surprisingly noticed a reduction in these physical symptoms across the board. I know some of you are thinking "placebo effect" and that's fine. All I care is that the very real and disturbing symptoms, which I had never had before this year, are greatly diminished.

I've done some research on thyroid disorders, and the one test that doctors use to measure thyroid function is TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone). This was the only thyroid test I had done at the hospital a month or so ago (and it was normal). However, it turns out that a normal TSH is quite variable and this does not automatically rule out thyroid issues. There is even an article written by doctors citing the failure of TSH alone as a diagnostic tool:

http://forums.realthyroidhelp.com/vi...bf2920e9642a20

There are more tests (free t3, free t4, thyroid antibodies and others) that can give a more detailed and accurate assessment (which I hope to have done).

As far as my mental state, there is no doubt that there are some small positive changes from just a few months ago. The change is so glacial that it is difficult to pinpoint a difference, but I know it is there. I am staying out of bed all day and trying to occupy myself, watching what I eat and exercising a little each day. The constant depersonalization and emotional shutdown is still there, but there is no longer a complete lack of motivation to get out of bed or do anything.

I don't feel like anywhere near the same person I was 2 years ago, and don't know if I'll ever get back to being that person. But if my physical health remains good and stable I can see pushing myself to start to do things (even if it is just doing errands for my mom or driving her places).

The recent physical issues are leading me to question how much of this is indeed Wellbutrin related, and how much is a physical issue affecting my brain (a thyroid disorder can do just this). I'm not sure if I'll ever have a clear answer, but I'm hoping the physical exam I'm having in about a month and associated testing will shed some light.

[miriza]

Sounds like progress DeVoid--even if at glacial pace! I feel the same way...this recovery is SO SLOOOOOOooooooooowwwwww.....but I've heard of some people who have no windows at all but one day wake up and some symptoms are gone. So do not lose hope.

I hope your thyroid is part of the issue--that way you can get treated and perhaps heal faster, though I've heard people in withdrawal having thyroid issues.

Wishing you the best...and I hope you get your miracle and start turning a corner in your recovery soon.

[DeVoid]

I never thought I would be posting these words in this thread, but in the past 2 months it has become undeniable... I AM FINALLY GETTING BETTER.

It has happened so slowly it has been difficult to notice the change, but looking at my life 5 months ago compared to now, there is a night and day difference. I am not only staying out of bed, but my interest has been slowly coming back and I am able to re-engage in life to some extent and start doing things I used to enjoy.

Yes, it still feels like a lot is missing emotionally, but I have regained more than I ever expected to. Motivation is still difficult, but I have started finishing tasks (such as selling items on eBay) and even doing small errands like going to the store for my mom.

I do not know if I will ever fully be the person I used to be, but if I continue to improve I can see myself being able to live a somewhat normal life.

BTW, about the physical symptoms. I had my full physical and an extensive lab workup April 3rd. All the bloodwork came back negative (Lyme disease, meningitis, and thyroid function were among the extra things tested for), however I am requesting a copy of the results to see the numbers for myself. There was one thing that was abnormal - the presence of red blood cells in the urine (I have to go back and retake that test), but I am not overly concerned about it.

The most prominent physical symptoms have changed almost exclusively to a tingling (pins/needles) and sometimes burning sensation in my arms and hands, and also my scalp at times. This is neuropathy, but my doc isn't sure what is causing it and is going to refer me to a neurologist.

I spent over a year in bed over 15 hours a day, and gained a ton of weight (around 80 pounds in total). My mattress was really old and in need of replacing (I recently have replaced it with a foam mattress). I think it might have screwed up my back/spine, however I don't have any back pain so I don't know if that could be the cause of neuropathy.

I want to thank the people in this thread who offered support during what was the most terrible and difficult time in my life (especially miriza and people who had positive and understanding things to say). I don't know what the future holds, but my ultimate goal is to get out of this room for good and never look back.

[NoRx4me]

YEA!!!

[cipher0413]

Hi Matt. That's such a great news and I only hope you continue improving and reach that moment where you can stop looking back just live your life, as yourself, as you once did.

[LCrawford67]

That's great news!!!

[Shiloh1]

You will continue to get better! You said that between five months ago and now it is like night and day so just think about the progress you will keep making....you will get back to your old self in time....

[miriza]

I am so glad for you! This made my day and gave me hope! After a decent day I had yesterday I seem to be paying for it today--feeling awful

But knowing that things can change for the better so quickly gives me hope. I bet it will keep getting better and better for you.

[Backtopaxil]

Wonderful to hear.

Can I ask you, did you get all those test from your PCP or did you have to go to a different doctor for each? I am contemplating a thyroid test just to make sure I am all OK, but do not know if I need to see an endocrinologist or my regular pcp.

Thanks !

[DeVoid]

Originally Posted by Backtopaxil

Wonderful to hear.

Can I ask you, did you get all those test from your PCP or did you have to go to a different doctor for each? I am contemplating a thyroid test just to make sure I am all OK, but do not know if I need to see an endocrinologist or my regular pcp.

Thanks !

All the tests were from my PCP (it was a single blood and urine test covering a wide range of bases). I am still not convinced my thyroid wasn't an issue. As I said, after I began taking these dessicated thyroid supplements a lot of my symptoms had abated.

It's possible that they are actually restoring my thyroid levels to normal and that this neuropathy is a completely separate issue. I really want to see the numbers for myself, since what is "normal" for thyroid hormone levels (especially TSH) is a very wide range that may not be the same for everyone.

If these OTC pills are working for me, that is fine with me, and I will take them every day for life if necessary. There is a part of me that isn't sure they are actually doing anything, so I will probably go off them at some point just to see if I notice any changes (I wouldn't want to be spending money on them for nothing).

There are independent testing labs you can go to for a more complete thyroid workup, and I may consider doing that at some point, as TSH alone isn't the be-all-end-all thyroid test like mainstream medicine would lead you to believe.

[audrealjade]

I am SO happy for you!!! I'm also dealing with thyroid issues I believe. Waiting on blood results to come back from a great doctor I found and hopefully I'll be improving soon too! I've read that SSRI's can make thyroid issues worse so that may have been the case for you. This truly makes me smile so much that you are doing so much better after so much hell.