Trying to stabilize

[Mixter]

I feel strange in my head, kind of I'm up and hypomanic.

I managed to catch sleep yesterday and wake up early. Woke up at 7am, my dad woke me up. 10 hours of total sleep with one break at night. Crazy dreams of thunders trying to hit me in various situations. On the hill, with some friends, on the boat, going thru a river with steep mountains around us that we could not escape, etc. Pure fear.

I also got memories of crazy dreams I had during these years I tapered, it was not fun.

I mean, it is the neurological disturbance that made this.

Yet, still, this is personal. It affects me...

I can only think of others who went CT and had to suffer this. It is horrible.

When I was trying to sleep I had strange thoughts that I felt were true, it was so wicked feeling - how to explain it, affected by them but I knew they were false anyways.

I had the body pressure or something, trying to tense up but I tried to adapt my body energy or something, I knew it was trying to align back so I knew what was normal and tried to relax (towards the normal) and it took time, but at last, it settled down.

The energy went right, down back to my stomach from the brain. Something was stuck there. It was interesting. It was what I was afraid of before - but now I try to conquer it and change the flow.

It probably was not poop out the entire time, I tapered.

It was the energy that tried to find it's places, but at a certain point it was just too much of malaise and sickness, when it overflowed. It was "tolerability issue". I think I now thought wrong.

It was also that I experienced some lights running through me during this.

In my spine, in my head. But not so strong. It was the kundalini.

And, when I woke up this morning I saw a light point (blob) flash up.

I can't believe how horrible times I had... how I thought I was losing it, reading horror stories, hearing how people got so sick, whilst in trouble ... It certainly was not good for me. But I did read anyways!? And sometimes I believed I thought I will end up like them, having horrible diseases and have to force going cold turkey. But, I just tried to do the right thing. I had a strategy behind in my head... Try to stabilize, no matter what.

This is a right step in this direction.

Never assume anything... It is so true!!!

Moderators have played a very valuable role in this.

Now it has gone 3 weeks (21 days) and I hope I am able to still go on... Whatever happens from now, I hope I am able to stabilize. I feel like the med is working, I am so tired now... in a good way. Relaxed.

Spaced out feeling. Anyone had this?

My stomach is working, it seems - considerably better.

[Mixter]

I feel pressure in between various organs and body parts, like kind of head pressure but between. I guess it will take a very long time until I am stable. But the process has began. I hope I don't need to drop the dose anymore.

The head pressure has lessened alot which is very good sign.

But now there is different symptoms "character", don't know what will happen further.

Sleeping is very difficult now, but I do my best to manage good circaidan rhythm!

Wake up at morning between 7-11am, try to sleep at night between 10-12pm.

I need some rest!

I feel I deserve it!!

ENOUGH NOW OF SUFFERING ALREADY!!!

[Healing]

That's very nice that you can track the energy moving, and are seeing some lights!

The fear is hard to bear, my friend. I know. Just keep doing what you're doing -- trying to take good care of yourself, breathing through it, moving the energy as needed.

And, remember, everything you are experiencing is a sign of you healing!

[Mixter]

Better, but some ups and dows. Visual snow is much lower now, it seems. But sleep difficulties still and some head pressure. It seems like I am able to continue to stabilize. My stomach is a bit better. But seems I have inflammation or hemorrhoids so have got "proctofoam" cream (sweden: xyloproct) for it and I try to take morning walks in the sun, discovered a good path outside the house in the forest with lights that is very long or short many ways depending on so good to have the forest to walk in!

I had feelings of some breakthrough today after riding the train/buses around, felt my head was much better adapted uniformity the head pressure, beeping, etc towards some kind of stability but it is still a long way left and I felt a bit clumpsy, sometimes could feel a bit lightheaded and strange anxiety when I tried to adapt the energies that did go down the stomach from the chest and also towards the face it seems it is what happens it's tryin to stabilize!

Mods what do you think about my situation? 1.5 years of tapering, under 225 mg hit a hard spot (strong psychosis like symptoms), because losing the dopamine reuptake inhibition but better now, after the car rides which screwed me up now unscrewing back and I am more emotionally stable, no crying, less agitation, milder anxiety and depression and the muscle pain in the eyes is gone. Now is still things left. Yes Healing, the headpressure and other energy/pressure sensations is a sign it is trying to upregulate receptors (what I believe now) that it is so.

Still staying on 163 mgs!!

[Songbird]

Sounds like you are doing great! Just keep doing what you're doing, as Healing said.

[Mixter]

My CNS is sensitive but also I feel strange, a bit of nausea and not relaxed, but I have good moments still, but hard to change my thought patterns, it is that I want to enjoy things. I got up at 7 am, but felt like I want to lay in bed and have some anxieties - it's the game, do things or not, I hate this and I try to choose, it is the anxiety (probably some is existential anxiety) and fear for change. It is so hard... Just accept this, it helps to express the feelings here. I want to be myself again. But am feeling the cortisol I think, not so much but the negativity of the state. Not depressed, but negative... It's something about the future. Just trying to think now. The existental thing, is what I have now. Fear of emptiness = focusing too much on side effect. I guess, this is what many here suffer of.

But why, I am better still worrying? It does not make sense. Wee, have to get thru this.

Yes I try, to continue, but it is so hard to allow it to happen sometimes.

The old does not want to be the new, or something. Up's and down's of the day.

Fear my own thoughts (the insane demons) and what happen in my nerve cells.

It is hard, I know, it is insane, but what?

Focus on the good, not on the bad.

[stan]

hi Mixter

your symptoms are withdrawal, 450mg minus 163mg = 287 mg

your brain is adjusting with difficult to repair damage and it gives 100 symptoms which stay, some disappear, some new come...
and it will be so even you will be off, and after time, less symptoms, less intense (symptoms are cognitive, memory, conscience and physical intestine, legs, vision and so on...)
with time you will have one or two symptoms and a day maybe a new mixter

but as you have tell : milimeter by milimeter on kilometer

cheer up

[Mixter]

Drinking tea only, and taking tyrosine helps the mood too. Was pretty down, but is better as I eat lunch and took a walk.
It is snowstorm here now. Feels strange. Strong stimuli (input feeling from surroundings)

Yes stan my brain is in chaos but better.

I agree. Fear is holding my progress back.

See how I feel tomorrow!?

[Zoloft25]

Hang in there I'm thinking of you man, hang on Mixter,



SHANE

[Mixter]

Yesterday was not so good, but today? It seems a bit better. I have problem with confidence. I think I understand better though. I was at a game expo when there was lots of people and I felt my brain get hot and my body the same way when I got stimulated at the car rides but much less. I got some of the symptoms I had, for example red hands/or one side very red + shakiness but less. It is the stabilisation process I think. I also think that I think too much. Withdrawal has made it much worse, and I think the suicidal thoughts is a product of the withdrawal brain modulation, increasing the extreme swings of normal. Yes, it is crazy this ups and downs, but now I know better and just try to walk and hang in there. Sleep is still sometimes hard, but I managed to sleep 7 hours straight. One thing is always something prevents me from really going into sleep, my brain is not relaxed. It needs time. But it is better that I have managed to get up in mornings and try to sleep the same time at evenings. Sometimes I just feel alone, don't really know what to do or don't want to do anything and this brings back the thoughts - what if, etc. It is so hard to change. I will continue to write here and see how I do.

Still staying on 163.

[Mixter]

Discovering the "pattern" of my anxieties and depressive spells, going into "not fearing" mode and cleaning up. I am able to relax. I had a long walk today that I got very tired, lethargy and just felt so low (kind of depressed but, felt weak inside) and then relaxed (meditation type) and felt much better after. I think it is a good idea to allow things come in places slowly, like a puzzle. It is now 4 weeks at 163, and not feeling worse or anything. Sleep is better, but can be hard sometimes and I am working on changing the stuck patterns I had when I CT'ed and various fears when the med never worked as I increased the dose. It is cleanup time! The total change in all of them is what gives the stabilization results plus some unaware changes. I have a plan on staying on 163 for at least 6-10 weeks, then going to 156 and later staying at 150mgs (big milestone, for a long time until I really feel ready for taper!)

[kathleen2]

Mixter,

You sound so clear-headed; I admire the way you're forging ahead & doing stuff despite w/d & anxiety. A walk in a snowy forest: how beautiful! You're learning to be an observer of your body & mind & not let them freak you out. Excited to see what the future holds for you.

[stan]

hi Mixter

the essential is to always diminish dose, your method do not matter if it works

cheer up

[Mixter]

Hey, I need to tell that it seems likely I am in tolerance again, I didnt feel so good it was horrible the feeling in brain feels like fighting the tension inside (indescriptable feeling) and tense, floating nerves or something, I dont know but it feels like I am dieing or something from this (it is terrible feeling) along with total brain vibrations, pressure and overload. Should I drop now or wait until tomorrow? I guess I can try wait until tomorrow would not hurt.

I can't think very clear and feel blocked, wobbly walking.
Was also depressed and felt weak inside.

[JessG]

I know it is very frustrating when we make decisions about how we want to taper, but our body has different ideas! I wonder why you wanted to stay on this dose longer than you usually do? Do you think perhaps you are not in poop out? I know the feeling. Although, I figure I have to be in some sort of poop out after 12 years. You have been on Effexor less time than that but I have heard that poop out on Effexor happens quicker. Sigh, it is all very confusing. I think Stan may be right and it is better to reduce every month if possible. I have to admit after my recent mini crash I am unsure of what my next step should be and am just taking it day by day. I will try to hang on this dose for a couple of more weeks, but if I start feeling bad again then I will try to reduce instead of updose this time. You told me once in a post that it is good to experiment and I think you are right. We just have to try different things until we find what is right for us. Stay strong, Mix. We will get through this. ((HUGS))

[blade]

hello Mister, hang on brother, hang on, when you already live in hell there is only one way to go and thats up!
Peace and Health to You!

[paxhell1989]

Reading this made me have a smile on my face. Just to know that I'm not alone and other people are feeling the same way I am. The crazy thoughts dreams insomnia energy spaceyness brain fog. All of it I thought I was going crazy. I had an mri and bloodwork nothing is wrong except high copper level. So I know it must be the chemicals stabalizing or ppsychological. The brain is so powerful. Its actually quite creepy. Thanks for sharing your journey!

[Mixter]

I dropped to 156 mgs today, I feel better again but this drop felt different than the previous ones. Probably it is my body trying to stabilize. Keeping looking up no matter what. I cant believe I am still going!