"My Journey into the Light"

[Xpaxilslave]

Joanne, you have come a long way. You should be proud of yourself. Do you mind my asking when is the last time you felt good?

[lotusflower]

Originally Posted by Xpaxilslave

Joanne, you have come a long way. You should be proud of yourself. Do you mind my asking when is the last time you felt good?

Rosanne,

I have had windows of feeling good throughout my taper which began last year around this time. The most recent lengthy window was when I was at 12.5 mg, my previous dose. In fact, I had considered going back to 12,5. I've never been on any one dose as long as the current one. I'm usually ready to drop after 21 days. I recently read that it is best to drop 5% or lower when tapering zoloft lower doses, specifically 25 mg. or lower. I have been mostly tapering by 10% each drop and I'm learning the hard way that is too much for my body. I need to slow down. I have to fight with myself all the time about this issue though. I want to get the h#$% off the drug and slowing down to 5% or lower will greatly extend the length of time on the drug. But I have to remember that is not important....quality of life is what matters. One thing is certain though, I have been forced to develop patience and acceptance. This is not going to go the way I want it to go.
It will go the way it goes and I have to surrender.

[medsrnot4me]

So good to hear from you, Joanne. I was going to PM you today to check-in and then saw you had posted. I am glad you are feeling a little bit better today. I am so sorry this has been such a rough time. I really think what you have been experiencing is purely withdrawal. I know how confusing it can be though - the depression and anxiety caused by withdrawal feels SO real. I think that is why so many people end up back on antidepressants and why providers think it is the return of symptoms rather than withdrawal. I think the fact that you mentioned that these feelings are much more intense now than before you were on Zoloft is telling and helpful evidence that it is the drug, not you. It is helpful to have your husband's perspective since he knew you before Zoloft and before withdrawal. I am so glad you have his support through this.

I am also glad you husband's work situation has resolved. It is SO hard to deal with anxiety provoking experiences in the middle of withdrawal. You should be so very proud of yourself for getting through that - you are one tough cookie!

When are you leaving for your trip? I am hopeful that once you are here, the anxiety will diminish re. your trip. It was so inspiring to read that you are pushing yourself to do things even though you are feeling anxiety/fear around those things. I think that is the way to go from what I read - to just push through it.....so hard to do though when you are feeling deeply anxious about something.

Hang in there Joanne. I really think things will settle again and you will have more of a window. Once you've been good and stable for awhile you will regain the energy to taper. But for now it sounds like you just need a much deserved break.

Thinking about you,
Michele

[lotusflower]

Michele,
So good to see your message today. Your words make so much sense but for some reason can't seem to think this way on my own. Although I do feel like "my head is above water" for the second day in a row now. I leave in about a week... I believe that being around family and old friends for awhile will be a good thing right now....I hope and pray that I feel well enough to WANT to socialize instead of having to ACT like I'm enjoying it, kwim?
Would love to hear how you are doing too, when you have some time to share, I'm all ears, big hug, joannexo

[medsrnot4me]

Yeah, I know what you mean about having a hard time thinking your feelings are real v. withdrawal. That is why you have us here at PP! It really is hard when you are the one in the middle of it, noticing the feelings and the awful thoughts that crop up. I have struggled with this too and have been convinced that I am just a crazy person who needs medication forever to cope with life. But I just don't think this is true as I don't feel that way all of the time, only when withdrawal is at its worse.

I think your trip is wonderful timing - it will hopefully lift your spirits to be around loved ones you haven't seen in awhile. I think once you are there you will feel like you truly want to be there and doing things rather than having to just act like it.

Thank you for asking about me. I am doing pretty well. More headaches now and have been noticing a bit more anxiety but overall doing ok with it. I am not sure when I'll be tapering next. I do feel down sometimes about this whole process and how long it is going to take me to get off of this drug - so I really understand your feelings around this too. It is really disappointing as I just want it to be over. I am SO tired of thinking about all of this medication/taper/withdrawal stuff. But I think the 10% cuts are just too much for me and I am safer trying the smaller cuts.

I am so glad to read that you are feeling better today as well - this is great news!

Will you be able to post when you are away? It would be great to hear how you are doing during your travels. If not, I will look forward to hearing all about your time when you return!

Michele

[lotusflower]

Originally Posted by medsrnot4me

Thank you for asking about me. I am doing pretty well. More headaches now and have been noticing a bit more anxiety but overall doing ok with it. I am not sure when I'll be tapering next. I do feel down sometimes about this whole process and how long it is going to take me to get off of this drug - so I really understand your feelings around this too. It is really disappointing as I just want it to be over. I am SO tired of thinking about all of this medication/taper/withdrawal stuff. But I think the 10% cuts are just too much for me and I am safer trying the smaller cuts.


Will you be able to post when you are away? It would be great to hear how you are doing during your travels. If not, I will look forward to hearing all about your time when you return!

Michele

Michele,
So sorry to hear that you're having more headaches and anxiety, and happy to hear that you're doing ok with it. That's really the important thing, right?
This process is not going to be comfortable and attitude is everything.
I get what you state about all the thinking about taper/w/d, etc. It seems to be the central thing in my life and I want to change that. Gotta give some thought how to do it though.
I'll be checking in from time to time while I'm away....in the meantime, sending good thoughts your way, joannexo

[lotusflower]

Day 41 zoloft 11.2 mg.

Tomorrow will be six weeks at this dose and I'm no where near stable yet.
Deep depression today, lots of tears. I did find information online that zoloft in particular produces severe, sometimes prolonged tearful depression.
That made me feel both better and worse. It stated that the depression can last 3-4 months. This depression started around the time that I dropped to 11.2 mg. Don't know if this is a cumulative effect of all the previous tapers or if it is due to this specific taper. I am still considering updosing to 12.5 but will wait until I go stateside to make that decision.
During the 13 years that I took zoloft there were some very traumatic events.
My husband and I each lost a beloved sister, my husband's mother died, and I had major lung surgery. The doc believed I had lung cancer and the purpose of the surgery was to remove that part of my lung. It turned out to be bronchietasis, a lung infection....still had to have part of the lung removed.
My point in mentioning these events is because I'm wondering if all these tears and depression may be due to the fact that I was numb to some of these events and did not properly grieve. I don't know. I was in therapy throughout most of it and thought I did. Never really cried much at the time
that any of the events occurred though. Right now I'm tired....need to think on this.

[kylelost]

Joanne - This is withdrawal and not your true feelings, I am sorry about all you have gone throught while on Zoloft, yes I believe you are probably experiencing a delayed reaction to those events which is incredibly normal. I started paxil one month before my father died and experienced the lost of my mother one year later. I did not shed a tear at her funeral, which was shocking to me. Since I have began this journey, I have finally had to grieve losing both of them. It has been utterly pain saking at times, but I have managed. Please don't believe you Doctor or anyone who claims you need to be on an AD for life, that is such BS. Depression and anxiety are temporary and don't last forever, but unfortunately the side effects of these drugs seem endless especially during withdrawal. I too question my thoughts and feelings and wonder if I should just forget about getting off paxil, but I know there is a reason God brought to this point in my life, and this site to finally rid myself of this drug once and for all. I am trusting in him and what a read on this site rather than my own feelings.

I think you will be surprised how much better you will feel once you are sourrounded by family and old friends again. It's just the ever present fear that you won't, those nasty old withdrawal feelings that make us question everything.

I truly hope you have a wondeful holiday!!

Suzanne

[medsrnot4me]

So sorry you are having a bad day, Joanne. The depression you are experiencing sounds really difficult. It is interesting you found information about Zoloft and that it can cause severe depression. Was the info. pertaining to withdrawal from Zoloft or as a side effect? Either way, scary to know but at the same time, at least there is an explanation for what you are experiencing (and what I've experienced too at lower doses). I really hope you get a break soon, Joanne. It makes sense what you are thinking - to wait until you get here to decide if you need to go back up or not. Also interesting thought that you are now grieving some of the things that you have dealt with while on Zoloft. It makes sense to me that this could be a part of it. I do think it is really difficult to taper off of these drugs because while we are on them, they numb our feelings so once we start tapering down we start feeling again and the feelings are just so intense, often much worse than before taking an antidepressant - or things we never had even experienced before (for me, suicidal thoughts and awful awful anxiety). So it just makes it so difficult as we aren't used to feeling feelings anymore in addition to these being the most intense feelings ever. UGH. This is so @##$$# hard.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow, Joanne.

Michele

[Brassmonkey]

Joanne-- Please don't let the things you read on line cloud your thinking. Your have some very good reasons coming to the surface that need to be greved for. I want to write all sorts of inspiring stuff but I am too new at this experience to not just sound like fluf. I hope you feel better in time for your trip.

[lotusflower]

Suzanne, Michele, and Tom,

Your words touched my heart and make so much sense, thank you.

I realize today that the last time I visited family was two years ago, for my sister's funeral. She died in Sept., 2009. She was the oldest of six, I'm the youngest and she was our second mother.....and she was a lot nicer than our mother. I didn't make it to say good bye because she died while I was in transit. My plane landed in Pennsylvania the day before she passed and I thought I had plenty of time because the doc said she had a couple of months left. So the next morning, I got in the car and on my way, I received THE CALL that she had passed in her sleep. I'm sure it was better for her to go fast because she didn't suffer as long, but I wondered why she didn't wait to say good bye to me. That must sound incredibly selfish. She was in denial about the extent of her illness and didn't believe she was dying, so no one really had the chance to say good bye, but at least other family members were able to spend time with her. And life has never been the same. I lost both parents in the late 80's and that was tough, but this is much harder.
When I returned to Italy after the funeral, I found a therapist here. I was struggling a lot with my emotions. After about a month, she suggested that I see a psychiatrist because she felt that the zoloft was not working any more. She said there were new drugs on the market that could work better.
I did what she suggested. The pdoc, after about 15 minutes suggested we add wellbutrin to the mix, after that didn't work, switched me to effexor, that didn't work, thank God, then he updosed me to 75 mg. zoloft. Then I found this site. Never went back to the therapist or the pdoc.
I'm going to continue in another post.

[lotusflower]

The other life changing event that happened while I was taking zoloft is that I retired, and while that was a happy time, it took away the structure of my reporting to work every day. After over 40 years of working every day, suddenly waking up and not having to live by the clock was a major adjustment. And I am grateful for that because it gave me the opportunity to start this taper.....which has consumed my life, I'm not happy to admit. Also discovered that I am gluten intolerant which has required a major shift in the way I eat.....being retired afforded me the time to research my symptoms and learn a whole new way of eating....so it's a good thing. So there have been lots of big changes in my life.

So I've been through major loss and change which predictably cause grief and sadness. And with the added zoloft w/d hell, it's been brutal. I'm am praying and asking God's guidance to show me what to do next. I am afraid to go to therapy at this time (afraid I'll be convinced to medicate myself) but once I am stateside, I'll have more options so we'll see.

[Xpaxilslave]

Hi Joanne,

I am so sorry that you are still feeling so badly.It sounds as if you have definately had many major life changes. I am sorry about the loss of your dear sister. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. Loosing somone you are very close to is not something you can just get over very easily. I lost my grandmother ten years ago and she was also closer to me than my mother. I still sometimes cry when I think of her especially now while going through this process.
I am hoping that your mind will be taken off of the withdrawal for a little while during your visit to the states. I myself feel better when my family is around me than when I am alone. It is hard to get your mind to think of other things when alone.
I really hope you have a great time on your trip.You deserve it!
Sending you best wishes and a big hug!
Rosanne

[lotusflower]

Rosanne,
Your words are very comforting, so much appreciate your taking time to post here. I'm feeling slightly better today and have been wondering if you have noticed any change since your reinstatement of the paxil? joannexo

[Xpaxilslave]

I am feeling a little better. I think after the holidays I am going to try a psychiatrist to get a prescription for the liquid so I can taper slower. My GP said to stay at 10mgs for a year but I really dont want to do that. I dont believe he knows what he is talking about.
I am glad you are feeling a little better.
Did you say you are traveling to Pennsylvania?

[lotusflower]

Originally Posted by Xpaxilslave

I am feeling a little better. I think after the holidays I am going to try a psychiatrist to get a prescription for the liquid so I can taper slower. My GP said to stay at 10mgs for a year but I really dont want to do that. I dont believe he knows what he is talking about.
I am glad you are feeling a little better.
Did you say you are traveling to Pennsylvania?

Rosanne,
So happy to hear you are feeling a bit better. That is a very good sign.
If your goal is to taper off paxil, then just wait until you feel stable at the 10 mg. then slowly taper from there. Any idea why he is suggesting one year???
I have stopped listening to anything any doc tells me about tapering, I am on my own....with the help of this forum.
Liquid sounds like a great idea as it will help immensely with accuracy, especially if you plan to do very small tapers. You may want to start out with a 10% drop to see how it goes though.
Yes, I have family and lots of friends in the southwest, and thankfully, I am beginning to feel happiness about the trip. I notice that you are a Pennsylvania girl too....home of my heart.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, Rosanne, joannexo

[Xpaxilslave]

Hi Joanne,

I guess my doctor suggested staying on the paxil for a year because he says studies show that if you stay on an AD for 6-12 months then the reoccurance of the depression or anxiety is less than if you go of too soon. I have already been on it for 12 years. My goal is to get off if possable. As I said before I dont think he knows what he is talking about.


I am so glad that you are getting excited by your trip. I hope you have a great time with your family and friends. I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving as well!

[lotusflower]

Day 46 zoloft 11.2 mg.

Almost 7 weeks at the dose and I think I am finally stabilizing, thank God.
It's Thanksgiving Day and this is one of the many things that I am grateful for today. I won't be tapering for awhile though, plan to stay put for now.
I have felt stable since this past Monday afternoon. I can remember the moment when the darkness lifted. It was as though I became a different person. I didn't do anything in particular to make this happen, except communicate my feelings a lot to anyone who would listen. I am convinced now that the indescribable hell, the being stuck in a nightmare that I've endured for most of the past 46 days at this dose is due to w/d and NOT me. I've been terrified a lot that I'd be stuck forever in the hell of those feelings. It's amazing that a stressor that feels catastrophic when I'm in a wave shows up like a little blip on my radar when I 'm in a window. And more importantly, I can feel happiness and joy and the desire to show up for life......enjoyed shopping for and getting stuff ready for dinner later, washed a load of clothes this morning, played music and sang along while doing chores....all small things but these are things that are a huge effort when I'm in that dark place.

I want to thank recent posters, like IMISSME for posting about waves and windows recently. That has helped me a lot to clarify what is going on with me.
I owe so much to this site, so on this day of Thanksgiving, I thank Scotty for the maintenance and moderation of this site, L.C. Crawfords, moderator and all my brothers and sisters here. I could never do this without you and God.
My heart is full. joannexo

[AmyK]

Wonderful, Joanne! Have a really nice trip!
Big hug!
Amy

[Brassmonkey]

I'm so happy your stabalizing, enjoy it for a while before pushing on you need the break.

A truly Happy Thanksgiving.

[Xpaxilslave]

Joanne,

I am so happy for you that you are doing better! That is wonderful news! You are sure to have a great visit with your family and friends now!

[JessG]

This is great news!! May you have a blessed Thanksgiving.

[intuitivegal]

I'm happy that you are in a much better place. When we are in the "dark place" sometimes it is hard to remember that it is all part of the withdrawal process and that it will pass.

Thinking of you,
IG

[medsrnot4me]

So wonderful to read your post! I've been away from the site for a few days now while traveling and was so happy to return home tonight and read your update. I hope you have a wonderful trip, Joanne!

Michele

[chiropteran]

So happy to hear those shadows have lifted, joanne. You're an inspiration to me and a lot of other people on here, and I know everyone will be as glad as I am to hear that you're stablising. Hope the holidays are kind, and recharging