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Family Support Paxil affects whole families. This forum is to support those closest to our hearts (spouses, partners, brothers, sisters etc.) who need help to understand and support.

Adverse Drug Reaction Reporting    FDA Warnings    Published Withdrawal Studies    Pregnancy Warnings    Forum Psychology

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Old 04-30-2011, 07:09 AM   #1
hopeful15
 
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Effexor withdrawal destroyed my marriage

I don't know if anyone can relate. It seems as though every possible bad thing that could happen to people happened when I stopped taking Effexor.

During my effexor withdrawal my husband became extremely verbally abusive. He was completely out of control and raging at me because of the withdrawal and because he was calling my doctor, but the doctor was denying their was any problem occurring and also because I think he was feeling threatened by the fact that I had started making new friends and becoming socially involved outside of our immediate family with some of the women at the bible study course I had just started.

I had previously been a stay-at-home mom and exclusively involved in my husband's and children's lives. My children both have disabilities, so I was very involved trying to help them. Months before effexor withdrawal I started to think as my children were getting older and less needy, I could devote some time to me. I started walking, losing weight, quit smoking, going to church, was generally becoming the person I always wanted to be, healthy, in every aspect of my life: mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. (Oh why did effexor withdrawal have to conincide with that exact time in my life? It has completely destroyed me and my health in all areas of gain mentioned above). I am a mere shell of the person I was before effexor withdrawal. Did I mention I had to get a restraining order on him then? It was pure unadulterated *ell!!! My life, his life, our children's lives became total and complete chaos.

I was dx'd with PTSD at the hospital during withdrawal. I don't know how much of my PTSD is directly attributed to his abuse (it shouldn't matter, but it does to me). I was too disabled at the hospital during withdrawal to ask. I have, until recently, always contended that the abuse gave me the PTSD. The hospitalization and shock of being manic and psychotic was traumatic, no doubt. But the only thing that gave me disabling fear after, and ptsd symptoms was my husband. I needed him to admit the abuse, so that I could decide if I could forgive him and repair our destroyed marriage. I desperately felt that he needed to acknowledge his out of control behavior so that I could feel safe around him again. I don't. I live in my room behind a locked door. We cannot afford to be separated.

Also, we were down to the last of our money when I quit taking Effexor. That was one of the motivating factors for quitting, we had no medical insurance anymore and could no longer afford it out of pocket as we had been paying cash for a year. That is another contributing factor that was contributing to his rage - the severe stress he was under for financial concerns. I was deathly afraid we were going to become homeless. We have *no* family to help us...we will be on the street.

My marriage has been absolutely destroyed. I wanted him to acknowledge the abuse so that I could decide if I could forgive him or not. He absolutely denied it. Claimed he "yelled" at me a few times. It wasn't yelling...it was pure unadulterated rage (during the vulnerabilty of a severe adverse withdrawal reaction) Imagine becoming psychotic while you are being raged at constantly.

He has since made *small* concessions of admitting it but vacillates back and forth to total denial and slight admittance. I can't forgive him until I know he acknowledges his behavior and therefore I can feel safe around him again.

He also verbally abused his sister once so visciously during the same time period that her husband will not allow him to go to thier house at all anymore unless he is present.

Over the past year in trying to reconcile my marriage, I have vascillated between, chalk it up to the damage that Effexor caused and abject fear of him and not being able to forgive him because he hasn't truly admitted it.

The effexor withdrawl and the abuse are two separate instances of chaos and turmoil that caused significant damage, which just happened at the same time. If not for the Effexor, would he have abused me? No, because I would have been the calming force in our house that I have always been. Instead I was helpless, confused, and very, very frightened. I can't just pretend he wasn't extremely abusive regardless of the effexor being part of that.

I doubt anyone can relate to this particular horror story. I am an extremely forgiving person. I can't forgive him this though.... the destruction was far too great and lasting.

Anyone care to share their opinions? I am lost in a sea of despair - so is my husband and my poor innocent teenaged children who still need their mother, but I have become nothing - destroyed. Forever altered.
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Old 04-30-2011, 09:19 AM   #2
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Re: Effexor withdrawal destroyed my marriage

Oh my goodness, Hopeful15, I'm so sorry you are dealing with SO much.

Your withdrawaling from Effexor can not cause your husband to be an abusive person. You said yourself, he abused his sister and HER husband is protecting her from him. Maybe you could have defended yourself better if you were not withdrawaling from Effexor but that doesn't mean his abuse is your fault and could have been prevented.

Classic abusive behavior; kick you when your down (going through withdrawal) and kick even harder when they see you getting up and having the ability to walk away (making new friends, getting out, losing weight).

Your post brought back a lot of memories for me. I was married to a verbally and emotionally abusive person too. Things got much worse when I started making friends at church and started being assertive. It was hard enough trying to keep my mind straight and figure out what reality was, without dealing with withdrawal at the same time.

Don't accept his abuse and blame yourself or Effexor. You have been traumatized twice. Once by what Effexor withdrawal has done, then by your husband's reaction. Although, maybe the order is in reverse. Maybe he's been abusive for a long time and taking Effexor caused you to care or even notice less or you were not as vulnerable as when you were in need of support during withdrawal.

There is an excellent book I read called; Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It was a tremendous help for me when I was dealing with my ex-husband.
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Old 04-30-2011, 10:15 AM   #3
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Re: Effexor withdrawal destroyed my marriage

Norx: Thank you so much for responding. I will always be grateful.

I just took one of those lavendar epsom salt long, long hot theraputic baths and I was thinking, nobody's going to respond, nobody would want to touch this one with a ten-foot pole.. I wouldn't either if I were them! lol.

Thank you so much for your understanding, advice, and compassion. I have read the Melodie Beatty books. Thanks.

It's been a long, long road to recovery. It continues still and will for a while, but it is recovery, despite how ever long it takes.

I will always be grateful to this site, for allowing me to vent long held in silenced pain. It has helped me enormously to heal.

Please take care of yourself Norx. Thank you for caring!
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Old 04-30-2011, 03:35 PM   #4
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Re: Effexor withdrawal destroyed my marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by hopeful15 View Post
Norx: Thank you so much for responding. I will always be grateful.

I just took one of those lavendar epsom salt long, long hot theraputic baths and I was thinking, nobody's going to respond, nobody would want to touch this one with a ten-foot pole.. I wouldn't either if I were them! lol.

Thank you so much for your understanding, advice, and compassion. I have read the Melodie Beatty books. Thanks.

It's been a long, long road to recovery. It continues still and will for a while, but it is recovery, despite how ever long it takes.

I will always be grateful to this site, for allowing me to vent long held in silenced pain. It has helped me enormously to heal.

Please take care of yourself Norx. Thank you for caring!
I had to go through withdrawal without support. My parents didn't understand when I tried to explain what I was going through to them and there was no one else, accept my teenagers around. However, it was heaven compared to if I had to go through it while dealing with an abusive partner. I was able to quit my job and lie on the couch for hours at a time without being harrassed (which is what it would have been if I was still married).

Does your husband acknowledge his abusive behavior at all? After the situation with his sister? Would he be willing to get help or read about it?

Do you still have support from friends at church?
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