To The Last Drop

[pkj]

I haven't been on Paxil very long and thought that once I got over the hump of anxiety and depression after losing my Mom, I'd be off it in no time. Well, I feel as if I've entered a dark underworld and it's going to take a lot longer than I ever imagined to be rid of this medication.

Since other people's journals have given me hope and reassurance, I thought I would start one too. May it be of some comfort to other poor souls navigating this nightmare world.

A month ago my doctor agreed to switch me to Paxil liquid so that "when the time comes" I can taper slowly. Doc wants me on the drug for 3 to 6 months but now I know how bad it is I already started to taper to get a head start.

The switch to liquid was rocky. felt very anxious and jittery. I also dropped the dosage slightly at the same time which wasn't a good idea, but decided to stick with it. I've never felt good on this drug so it's hard to know when to drop. Had a few good days last week so I dropped again to 8.8mg. and plan to stay here for at least three weeks. Now I'm anxious and jittery again. Doc told me to monitor my B/P as it was ellevated when I went there a couple of days ago. It's showing a trend of jumping up about an hour after taking the Paxil! Maybe that's why I feel so terrible in the late afternoon and evening. I take the Paxil at 1500. Yesterday my B/P went from 116/74 at 1430 to 129/100 at 1630! We were about to go out for a drive and I was feeling very restless and shaky so that's why I took it again. Hopefully it will straighten out as I settle down on this new dose.

Please feel free to comment. I'm most grateful for this site and the support of everyone here. Especially those who have Paxil way behind them, yet they still take time to come and encourage those who are here in the midst of suffering.

Polly

[scotty]

First, stop taking your blood pressure. It's only increasing your anxiety about weaning and that anxiety is what is raising your pressure, not the drug.

Keep going at the 10% wean. The good news is that you're only on Paxil for 2 months. The reality is that you could probably handle a faster wean with such short use, but do what your comfortable with.

Now the key advice...get into therapy for the anxiety. That is what's causing the majority of the symptoms not the paxil.

[pkj]

Thanks Scotty. Yes, seeing it high does make me more anxious ( I told her that) but she made me promise to keep checking it. She also requested a u/a to check for microalbumin. She said if my b/p has been consistantly high there will be traces of albumin in my urine. I may just limit the checks to morning and night.

Since starting the liquid, the anxiety starts building up as the evening goes on and then around 9:30, 10:00 it starts to lessen and I feel much more normal. I think it's after the paxil reaches it's peak. My husband has been taking me out for drives in the evenings because I can't sit or concentrate on anything. Just want to be on the move.

I am in therapy, Practicing deep breathing and walking a lot.

[pkj]

Yesterday was the 6th day after dropping to 8.8mg, and the first day that I didn't get the shakes after taking the Paxil. Still didn't feel great, but we went out in the evening and I managed to eat some BBQ ribs and a baked sweet potato along with a small bowl of applesauce. For lunch I ate a stoufer's chicke, pasta and garden vegitable meal. Still at 102lbs.

Son and I usually walk a mile in the am but didn't make it out today because of the heat. Yesterday was cooler and I added some extremely short spells of jogging. Felt a lot better when we got home. But today is too hot. Hate being a prisoner to the A/C.

Doctor's office called to say that my Vitamin D is low. She's putting me on prescription strenght Vitamin D. It's a capsul that you take once a week for 12 weeks. She also wants me to take a calcium /Vitamin D suppliment twice a day. I pray that this will help bring me through the anhedonia then maybe I'll get an appetite again. Doesn't vitamin D affect mood?

There was no mention of the B/P test so either it hasn't come back yet, or there was no evidence that my b/p had been consistantly high.

I WILL get better!

[kylelost]

I just started the liquid Paxil a few weeks ago. I set my microwave to 30 seconds and then shake the bottle until the timer goes off. This has helped me with the shaking you described.

Good luck to you and keep me posted. You are doing great!!

[pkj]

Thanks for stopping by Kylelost. How are you? Did you have any reaction when you switched to liquid? Oh, and congratulation on getting to that point!

I shake the bottle for a good minute before taking the med, but I've had tremors from about the first week on Paxil, when I was on the 12mgCR pills. In the beginning, I purposely didn't read the side effect profile in order not to be influenced by it. I thought the shaking was just me and the medicine would eventually stop it. Instead it got worse, to the point that I couldn't write. That's when I started researching the side effects, and learned a whole lot more besides! The good thing is I found this site. The tremors have subsided since getting on the liquid.

Today, I woke up feeling anxious ( this has been every morning since starting the liquid) and spent an hour laying in bed doing the deep breathing from the diaphragm and trying to think positive thoughts about it being another day closer to getting better. Getting out of bed is always hard, but once I'm up I'm ok. I got dressed, cut and ate a few slices of cheese, then went out to feed the animals. Hubby had fed the horses and goats before going to work, so I just had to do the dogs, pigeons, chickens and ducks. A month ago I wasn't able to handle even these small chores, so there is progress.

After eating a bit more cheese, cashews and some gatorade, we went for our usual walk. It was cooler with a slight breeze, thank goodness, but I really didn't feel like walking. Anyway, after about half a mile the anxiousness eased up a bit. I decided to intersperse jogging in the spots where trees cast their shadows across the dirt road. So some jogs were only about 6 steps and the longest stretch was about 20 steps. The amazing thing is, after every jog even though my heart was about to pound out of my chest, it would calm right down after a few seconds of walking and the anxiety seemed to ease away more and more! It's stayed away for most of the morning. I know from army basic training that by just adding small intervals of jogging they will eventually get easier and I'll be able to go longer distances. Though at 53 it may not happen quite as fast This feels like a major accomplishment. I think it's going to help tremendously with the withdrawal and hopefully the depression too.

Now it's time to go take that sweet elexir that's contributing so much to the developement of "character".

[pkj]

Just want to put a note here about last evening.

After taking the Paxil I was feeling a little bit of the usual jitteriness. Hubby came home at 1700 and we left for town 35 miles away. He needed to get a haircut. I wasn't looking forward to having to sit in the waiting area feeling so antsy but it wasn't so bad. We went to eat and as the evening wore on I gradually felt better and better! By the time we got home I was feeling better than I have in months! Actually happy and interested in things. I was almost afraid to go to bed because I wanted to stay up and enjoy every minute.

Maybe it was one of those "windows" people here talk about. Or maybe I'm starting to stabilise a bit. It didn't carry over to this morning, but I didn't wake up quite as anxious. Went for a walk with more little spurts of jogging.

Not feeling too bad but appetite isn't good at all. I've managed to choke down some cheese at breakfast, a piece of breaded fish at lunch and now I'm half way through one of those Ensure nutrition drinks. Sure wish I was hungry.

But last night's feeling of wellbeing brought great hope for better days ahead.

Polly

[Jewel68]

Great news about last night, Polly and glad you've been able to get out and walk/jog.
I really need to get back into my walking, I really want to start jogging so hearing you say about just doing 6 steps really helped me. I do walk regularly, I walk the kids to school and back every day but it's only 5-10 mins each way. We have a lovely canal walk by us so I have no excuse for not going.
Praying that things keep going well for you. You are doing great.
Heather x

[NYClady]

Dear pkj,

So happy to hear that you had what appears to be a very good evening. I hope and pray you continue to experience more and more great days!!!!

NYClady

[Gracings]

Let's hope that you see more of these good-feeling days ahead, Polly.

[pkj]

Pokey, thanks so much for telling me about the Gatorade! I had no idea.

And, thanks for your well wishes Gracings, they're very much appreciated.

Jewel, yes, just start out interspersing your walking with little spurts of jogging and you'll be surprised how quickly you get into it. I can't believe the effect it has on anxiety.

Today is day 12 at 8.8mg and I've felt pretty good all day. Just a little anxious this am when I got up. We went to church and then to town to get hubby and son some new shirts. When we got home I was feeling great. I washed, dried and put away all the dishes and even had the energy and wherwithal to clear up some of the clutter.

Looking back in my diary, it shows that day 11 and 12 at my previous dosage were also better days. Maybe there's a pattern emerging.

The biggest and most exciting turn of events was last night at midnight. I was trying to get to sleep when right out of the blue I realized that I was hungry! It's the first time since the middle of March that I've had any sensation of hunger. Don't like eating so late but I thought if I ignored it, it might send the wrong message to my brain, so I got up and had a snack of canned fruit and granola, and boy, was it good! I'd forgotten that food could taste good. It was a fleeting half hour, but gives me hope that my appetite will return.

After almost two weeks of flat, anhedonia, tremors and that anxious scared of "something" feeling, it's such a relief to get a break.

Polly

[pkj]

Day 16 at 8.8mg, somewhat jittery. Went for our usual walk/jog which helped a lot.

This has been a really good week so far. I don't know if it's because I'm stabilising at this dose or if it's the prescription vitamin D. Maybe a combination of both, but there have been a couple of significant improvements.

First my appetite started to improve. Three days in a row this week I actually felt hungry at supper time! Earlier in the day not so much, but late afternoon and evening I've been fancying certain foods. I got on the scale and was 105Lbs with clothes on. A 3lb gain.

The second big event was on Tuesday. Hubby called to see if I wanted to go to town with him after work as he needed to get a tire fixed. A rock had punctured it the night before when we were out for a ride. I jump at any chance to get out these days because I find that just being among other people and the hustle and bustle of stores brings me out of myself and makes me feel better. So hubby came home early and we took off to town. Got the tire fixed and then he had to go to Lowes to pick up some items for his company.

Lo and behold! As we walked around Lowes the smell of the lumber and the sight of all the hardware got me thinking about the kitchen redo we are in the middle of. I wandered over to the countertops and found myself thinking, "Oh that's nice, that would go good with our cabinets" Hubby started asking the sales person about prices and instalation and I began to envision the possibilities. Last winter I was so excited to be working on the kitchen. I had a computer file filled with inspiring photos of kitchens I liked. My head was swimming with ideas. But since mom passed away and starting paxil I haven't had any interest or inspiration whatsoever. I couldn't care less if it ever got finished. But Tuesday, Tuesday was good! I even made a decision on the countertop! That bit of inspiration felt amazing. I was afraid I'd never feel it again.

After the hardware store we went out to eat and for the first time I didn't need a box to bring half of it home!

Today hasn't been as good. Getting out of bed was difficult. I'd sat up reading until midnight and my mind was too active to get to sleep right away so I was tired. But just having these good days to look back on tells me that there will be more.

Withdrawal is by no means linear, that's for sure.

A meetiong with the therapist tonight. I'm glad to have some improvements to report.

Polly

[Kristine13]

Originally Posted by pkj

Day 16 at 8.8mg, somewhat jittery. Went for our usual walk/jog which helped a lot.

This has been a really good week so far. I don't know if it's because I'm stabilising at this dose or if it's the prescription vitamin D. Maybe a combination of both, but there have been a couple of significant improvements.

First my appetite started to improve. Three days in a row this week I actually felt hungry at supper time! Earlier in the day not so much, but late afternoon and evening I've been fancying certain foods. I got on the scale and was 105Lbs with clothes on. A 3lb gain.

The second big event was on Tuesday. Hubby called to see if I wanted to go to town with him after work as he needed to get a tire fixed. A rock had punctured it the night before when we were out for a ride. I jump at any chance to get out these days because I find that just being among other people and the hustle and bustle of stores brings me out of myself and makes me feel better. So hubby came home early and we took off to town. Got the tire fixed and then he had to go to Lowes to pick up some items for his company.

Lo and behold! As we walked around Lowes the smell of the lumber and the sight of all the hardware got me thinking about the kitchen redo we are in the middle of. I wandered over to the countertops and found myself thinking, "Oh that's nice, that would go good with our cabinets" Hubby started asking the sales person about prices and instalation and I began to envision the possibilities. Last winter I was so excited to be working on the kitchen. I had a computer file filled with inspiring photos of kitchens I liked. My head was swimming with ideas. But since mom passed away and starting paxil I haven't had any interest or inspiration whatsoever. I couldn't care less if it ever got finished. But Tuesday, Tuesday was good! I even made a decision on the countertop! That bit of inspiration felt amazing. I was afraid I'd never feel it again.

After the hardware store we went out to eat and for the first time I didn't need a box to bring half of it home!

Today hasn't been as good. Getting out of bed was difficult. I'd sat up reading until midnight and my mind was too active to get to sleep right away so I was tired. But just having these good days to look back on tells me that there will be more.

Withdrawal is by no means linear, that's for sure.

A meetiong with the therapist tonight. I'm glad to have some improvements to report.

Polly

Isn't it great to be able to reflect on the good days? I'm sorry today wasn't as good but you are so right reflecting on the "Good" days! I'm having the same problem with the sleeping. I think I have actually gained some weight also.
When you start getting that passionate feeling back about something it's such a positive move forward. I'm so happy to hear you are making progress <3
Hugs

[pkj]

Hi Pokie, I was planning on it, but I still don't feel quite stable.

Some days I take the Paxil and I feel ok, others ( like the last 2 days ) I take it and feel jittery. It lasts 5 hours like our other member, Starryskyze has reported. Then it's as if someone turns a dimmer switch, the sensation just fades away and I feel totally normal. I think my last drop was a bit more than 10% - I just went to the next line on the syringe. -So maybe that's why it's taking a while.

If I'm feeling ok I might drop a tiny bit. Maybe even less than 5%. I've never been one for taking meds and it doesn't take much to affect me. After that I plan to stay there until I've seen the doctor again on 22 August. I want to be as stable as possible when I see her. Don't want to give her any reason to think I'm not getting better. I'm going to tell her I'm ready to get off this junk. She doesn't know I already started.

You seem to be doing great Pokie. You've been through so much and your such an inspiration!

Kristine, yes, I cling to the memory of those good days. Three or four weeks ago the therapist was wondering what else she could do to help me. After 3 months I just wasn't getting better. The last two weeks have seen great progress. I think that's why an "off" day feels so bad even though I've been through worse.

Thanks for taking the time to comment you two. The support is much appreciated.

Polly

[Kristine13]

Originally Posted by pkj

Hi Pokie, I was planning on it, but I still don't feel quite stable.

Some days I take the Paxil and I feel ok, others ( like the last 2 days ) I take it and feel jittery. It lasts 5 hours like our other member, Starryskyze has reported. Then it's as if someone turns a dimmer switch, the sensation just fades away and I feel totally normal. I think my last drop was a bit more than 10% - I just went to the next line on the syringe. -So maybe that's why it's taking a while.

If I'm feeling ok I might drop a tiny bit. Maybe even less than 5%. I've never been one for taking meds and it doesn't take much to affect me. After that I plan to stay there until I've seen the doctor again on 22 August. I want to be as stable as possible when I see her. Don't want to give her any reason to think I'm not getting better. I'm going to tell her I'm ready to get off this junk. She doesn't know I already started.

You seem to be doing great Pokie. You've been through so much and your such an inspiration!

Kristine, yes, I cling to the memory of those good days. Three or four weeks ago the therapist was wondering what else she could do to help me. After 3 months I just wasn't getting better. The last two weeks have seen great progress. I think that's why an "off" day feels so bad even though I've been through worse.

Thanks for taking the time to comment you two. The support is much appreciated.

Polly

My doctor basically ODed me & then decided to tell me to find another doctor when he didn't know what to do with me. Just remember you are making great strides! Hope I get to doing as well as you are. I'm still trying to stabilze myself from what the doctor did, with the guidance of a new doctor of course. Hope to to be where you are soon. Well not soon, but in the future. You are an inspiration to all of us starting out. Pokie is too. Love to hear the successful, positive outcomes..Hugs..Have a great day..

[pkj]

Thanks pokie and Kristine. Yes, I keep going to the syringe thingy so I know where I'm at.

Today is day 21 at 8.8 mgs. I was hoping to be able to drop today but through the weekend, and up until yesterday I'd been feeling horrible. Very anxious in the mornings and jittery after taking the med. (my teeth actually chatter!).

I thought I was beginning to go backwards instead of forwards but yesterday, about an hour before it was time to take the paxil, all the horrible feelings switched off and I felt great. I took the paxil at the usual time of 2:30pm fully expecting the tremor to start up again. Amazingly, I felt wonderful for the rest of the day and night. Even felt a bit of ENJOYMENT while out in the evening locking up our chickens and ducks. There were hundreds of fireflies everywhere. It looked like an enchanted forest with all the little blincking lights. It's like that most nights, but last night I was able to appreciate the beauty of it.

This morning I woke up still feeling quite good! That's the first time I've had a good morning since starting paxil liquid! I thought, "oh, I must be stabilising!" then boom, a doom cloud came over and by noon I was feeling rather low. It was from thinking about my Mum and how much I wish I could talk to her. I guess it's all part of the greiving process and probably the fact that I'm starting to feel again.

The past few months are almost a blur. What with losing Mum, paxil start up effects, then side effects, then the attempted switch to zoloft ( head zaps, vertigo, splitting head aches akathesia and RLS) and now wd symptoms. I've been so self absorbed that I hardly thought of losing my Mum. When I feel good I want to call her and tell her all that's gone on. We were best friends.

So, maybe I should see the grief as a sign of healing and not a negative thing. I just have to learn to deal with it now rather than back when she died.

Also, since I was feeling good, I went to the garden thinking I'd dig a cabbage and cook it up to freeze. After getting it up and washing it, I cut into it and found it mushy inside. I hope they're not all like that.

Feeling so bad, I haven't had any inclination to pick and cook anything. I have no clue how the garden got planted! Just vague recollections of being out there with the trowel trying to breathe through anxiety and panic. Thinking "I've got to do this, I'll just plant this one thing.," Well somehow there are now tomatoes, cabbages, raspberries, swiss chard, cucumbers green beans, leeks, brocollic and carrots. All doing amazingly well, but I don't recal much of the planting. I only remember once watering the tomatoes and we've had very little rain.

I do remeber weeding the carrots the day I had to miss a paxil dose and start a half a Zoloft pill instead. I stood up from weeding and almost fell over. But after all that work, it looks like the cabbages are ruined. Had to throw away some broccolli too that had gone to seed. Oh well, if I continue to have good days maybe I'll get more harvested and dehydrated or frozen for winter. Hubby would help but he hasn't had a minute to spare.

Going to stay at this 8.8mgs for another week or so.

Pokie, if you read this, is 8.4 a 5% drop from here? I don't trust my math.

Polly

[pkj]

Thanks so much pokie!

Pokie, do you have any wd symptoms at all when you first drop? You never complain.

[pkj]

That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you.

I'm having a better day today, very little anxiety (had a good run this am) but the tremor is a pain. Can't pour anything without making a mess. Still hoping I'll be able to drop again soon. Beginning to think the tremor gets worse the longer I stay at a dose.

Thanks for all your help and encouragement Pokie- not just to me but everyone.

[kylelost]

So glad you are feeling better, each day will get easier and easier trust me.

Sending hugs your way!!