Fear of Death; Paxil Withdrawal or Zoloft Side Effect?

[tclynn1980]

Ana you were right! Its been just over 5 weeks since my doc switched me straight from Paxil to Zoloft and the worst is definitley over. I am almost back to my old self, no more obesessing over death and all of that. Thanks so much for your input, these message boards truly helped me during that time more than anything else. : )

[tclynn1980]

And I will DEFINILTEY be reporting back to the wonderful PCP who did this to me lol She will be getting an earful from me in hopes that she never puts anyone else through that again! Tapering is the way to go!

[brunyan]

Originally Posted by rangerNY

Ana, when I was in the thick of withdrawal, I had the EXACT illogical fixation that you're dealing with now (including the dreaded realization that everyone I love will one day be gone), and I do remember how extremely frightening it was at the time. The good news is that when I started working on slowing down my racing brain and changing my thoughts, that illogical fixation began to subside.

I remember getting to the point where I actually thought, "Yes, I will die one day, but its not today so what am I freaking out about?!"

On the flip side, the illogical fear of and fixation on death during that time had a silver lining. It compelled me to explore some spiritual (I'm not terribly religious) issues that have made a positive impact on my life in the last few years.

This is actually something I am really struggling with right now, the fear of death. Somedays I am not afraid at all, but many days it consumes me. I have been feeling a withdrawal wave, so I know it is only making it worse!



-ben

[Ana Q]

Brun, this came on and passed after I reinstated. It was the most bizzarre thing as I had never had this phobia before coming off of Paxil. It's a normal one sure, but it's terrible! When did this phobia start for you? Only in W/D?

[brunyan]

Originally Posted by Ana Q

Brun, this came on and passed after I reinstated. It was the most bizzarre thing as I had never had this phobia before coming off of Paxil. It's a normal one sure, but it's terrible! When did this phobia start for you? Only in W/D?

I think it is a phobia that has always been somewhat present. But then again I was on SSRI's from 12 to 23.

It has gotten better, but with my increasingly stressful life and career path, it is tough some days.

:-/

[lmac]

I too have these thoughts. I had them when I switched from Paxil to Zoloft for a few weeks, I had them 4 months after I finished my Paxil taper 2 years ago and I once again have them now. They started again, 4 months after coming off Zoloft, I'm now almost 7.5 months post ADs and still have them, they are just not as intense. Ive been trying to figure out forever why this happens each time I switche ADs. I guess I can understand that more. But why would this happen 4-7 months OFF ADs because it sure does feel chemical but it intensifies as my WD waves intensify and then it subsides (but doesnt completly go away) when I'm in a window. Its like a racy thought, obsession abour death and or suicide that is constant on the brain. its very scary - but it feels alot better to know it HAS to be wd related because so mnay others get this during wd. I too have always had a fear of death so i think with the intesity of WD, this fear is ruminated along with the fact that our brains seem to race and bring up horrible feelings of being unstable. being unstable is scary for anyone, so perhaps we exacerbate our fears into our intense wd symptoms....... and now it appears we all have OCD - obssessive thoughts about scary things.
Ana, I know yours went away because you reinstated. Mine seems to be lingering for months now because I didnt reinstated but the intesnity of it goes up and down depending on whether ive hit another wave. Although rationally, we know its someting to somewhat expect, it doesnt make the feelings any less scary at the time. I wont even watch news, or read news anymore, as soon as I hear or see that one person has died or commit suicide, I start scaring myself half to death thinking either I will die of some grueling death or because of this wd, I might go crazy, lose control and kill myself.......... rationally this is ridiculous, but its amazing how much of an impact FEAR has on our lives!

[julieannboo]

ahh the lovely health anxiety. i never had this before paxil pooped out on me 3 years ago.

i would never wish this type of anxiety on anyone. it is torment, pure torment.

[Ana Q]

iMac I didnt realize you got it after the switch from paxil to zoloft like I did. Our brains are wired one way and drugs mess with that wiring causing all sorts of mess. WD really brought on a LOT of ruminating (Pure O) that I never had before. Def the worst symptom of all for me. Doing great now though but back on pax- hope to one day be off for good.

[lmac]

AQ, yes I absoluetly did get those thoughts when switched. But I must admit the thoughts were definately at its worst months away from my last dose, BUT I now realize so were the worst of my symptoms. Because I had them last time I came off paxil after 4 mnths, I decided to plow through them this time and keep reminding myself, this happened last time. Of course they go away after reinstating. Maybe that's why the thoughts have been so intense for mnths for me, I have to let my brain heal and work itself out. This doesn't make it any easier though whem I'm in the middlle of a wave but I'm doing eveything I can to help reduce them with CBT/DBT. Like cipher even said, there really isn't anything that helps reduce the obsessive ruminating, just time. Time while you heal. I will keep you posted so when you come off paxil, I can reassure you that these thoughts WILL go away!

[lmac]

P.S. I like your signature. Can Dan Millman please TEACH us how not to let our thoughts control us??? LoL

[Ana Q]

thanks Yes, that would be nice! It's amazing how these thoughts can just blow up out of the blue. Never had an issue my entire life, came off of Paxil and went on Zoloft 3 months after being off because of ruminating thoughts. As soon as Zoloft kicked in, extreme death phobia/DP/DR. Awful. Came off Zoloft, back to Paxil and 5 months or so later back to normal. Ay Caramba!

[Bilo76]

This is one of my biggest mental probs at the moment. Even bigger then DP/DR;..the constant fear and thinking of death.
I used to have it as a kid;..i was lying on my bed and the idea that i will die one day, it filled me with fear. The idea that i wont exist, that there is no more me, for ever silence, nothing anymore, no more me for all eternity;...even writing it makes my nerves burn and shivers my spine. I had it all my life. But normally i would just stop thinking about it and "shake it off",.
But in WD i cant. I read 20 books about dealing with death and i studied CBT and practiced it a lot on this subject. But i think in WD i am to depressed and messed up in my head to work on it. Besides: it is nr1 fear of all humans. I mean it aint really a phobic fear, thats what makes it tricky. The prospect of ones own death is scary. People have been thinking about this for centuries. It's why so many people believe in a religion (thats proven in research). Only it shouldnt lead you in your life. It shouldnt limit you. Like socrates said "after a nice day it's good sleeping, after a nice life its good dieing"

But for me its very hard now. a) When i watch a movie or people in real life doing stuff and i think ' whats the point, you die anyway'
b) i am so afraid,..even the idea crossing in mind (about the fact that i will die) makes me wanna cry in fear and shiver
I hope thats the WD talking and enhancing my problem. It was never this bad before on paxil. And before paxil;..well thats a long time ago. But still,..i think WD enhances the fears you were already carrying.

[lmac]

Originally Posted by Bilo76

This is one of my biggest mental probs at the moment. Even bigger then DP/DR;..the constant fear and thinking of death.
I used to have it as a kid;..i was lying on my bed and the idea that i will die one day, it filled me with fear. The idea that i wont exist, that there is no more me, for ever silence, nothing anymore, no more me for all eternity;...even writing it makes my nerves burn and shivers my spine. I had it all my life. But normally i would just stop thinking about it and "shake it off",.
But in WD i cant. I read 20 books about dealing with death and i studied CBT and practiced it a lot on this subject. But i think in WD i am to depressed and messed up in my head to work on it. Besides: it is nr1 fear of all humans. I mean it aint really a phobic fear, thats what makes it tricky. The prospect of ones own death is scary. People have been thinking about this for centuries. It's why so many people believe in a religion (thats proven in research). Only it shouldnt lead you in your life. It shouldnt limit you. Like socrates said "after a nice day it's good sleeping, after a nice life its good dieing"

But for me its very hard now. a) When i watch a movie or people in real life doing stuff and i think ' whats the point, you die anyway'
b) i am so afraid,..even the idea crossing in mind (about the fact that i will die) makes me wanna cry in fear and shiver
I hope thats the WD talking and enhancing my problem. It was never this bad before on paxil. And before paxil;..well thats a long time ago. But still,..i think WD enhances the fears you were already carrying.

Bilo - I too fear death like there is no tomorrow (no pun intended). I have always feared death and always had health anxiety because of it. It never led my life but I thought about it a lot and have lost sleep over it. Then my father died, then I watched my sister die and it all became such a reality. But I must say, EVEN those did NOT compare to how intensely I have feared death during wd. My worst symptom was the ruminating onbessive negative thoughts. For me the entire theme was always death related. I switched from fear of dying of a cause and fear of committing suicide. This lasted so intensely for 7 mnths after my last pill. Being stuck in our thoughts while in wd is so scary and awful. Like there is NO way out. Finally I hit a window and the fear/thoughts dissipated to just how I used to fear them. The suicide ideation disappeared (I never thought of suicide before these pills). I think I may have ehit a wave the last few days (not as intense) but the fears/thoughts have still stayed mild. Definately not intense like before. I am able to dismiss the thoughts and not ruminate on them. This is proof that's its JUST wd. We both have always had the same fears. I guess our fears tend to intensify during wd. Such a strange phenominon!!

[Ana Q]

It's interesting. I wonder where these phobias originated for you. For me it was strictly WD as I never had it before. But those who've had it growing up I wonder what prompted it. All in all these phobias are all branches of anxiety which manifest themselves in different ways. For me this thankfully went away though I still get the thoughts sometimes. But being back on paxil certainly alleviated my anxiety and thus, the thoughts. Being busy and around positive things and ppl also helped

[Ana Q]

Bilo I had the EXACT thoughts on WD and I too was on paxil for 15 years and came off very quickly when those thoughts came on. Every thouhht was about death. Nothing mattered. I saw ppl on tv too and said so what they're gonna die. It was AWFUL. but, it passed! They will pass for you too I promise.

[Bilo76]

Originally Posted by Ana Q

Bilo I had the EXACT thoughts on WD and I too was on paxil for 15 years and came off very quickly when those thoughts came on. Every thouhht was about death. Nothing mattered. I saw ppl on tv too and said so what they're gonna die. It was AWFUL. but, it passed! They will pass for you too I promise.

I hope so Ana Q!!! But you got back on paxil i read in your signature. Did the thoughs go away before you reinstated?

[lmac]

Originally Posted by Bilo76

I hope so Ana Q!!! But you got back on paxil i read in your signature. Did the thoughs go away before you reinstated?

Bilo - I had the exact same thoughts as Anna (I remember talking about it with her mnths ago). Mine went away and I did NOT go back on. 2 yrs ago when I crashed at 4 mnths I also had the exact same thoughts. I reinstated and they all went away about 4 weeks later. This time I did not renistate and they hung around for about 7 mnths but STILL went away. I think RI kills the wd process. NOT RI, you have to wait it out. It just takes much longer to go away. Its SO hard but keep in mind it WILL go away. If it did for everyone else, it will for you too!

[markca]

Originally Posted by rangerNY

Ana, when I was in the thick of withdrawal, I had the EXACT illogical fixation that you're dealing with now (including the dreaded realization that everyone I love will one day be gone), and I do remember how extremely frightening it was at the time. The good news is that when I started working on slowing down my racing brain and changing my thoughts, that illogical fixation began to subside.

I remember getting to the point where I actually thought, "Yes, I will die one day, but its not today so what am I freaking out about?!"

On the flip side, the illogical fear of and fixation on death during that time had a silver lining. It compelled me to explore some spiritual (I'm not terribly religious) issues that have made a positive impact on my life in the last few years.

i too experienced this as well......exactly....i agree totally and same desire to push into spiritual things....what a wonderful post...could have written this myself.

[schwanke]

Originally Posted by lmac

Bilo - I too fear death like there is no tomorrow (no pun intended). I have always feared death and always had health anxiety because of it. It never led my life but I thought about it a lot and have lost sleep over it. Then my father died, then I watched my sister die and it all became such a reality. But I must say, EVEN those did NOT compare to how intensely I have feared death during wd. My worst symptom was the ruminating onbessive negative thoughts. For me the entire theme was always death related. I switched from fear of dying of a cause and fear of committing suicide. This lasted so intensely for 7 mnths after my last pill. Being stuck in our thoughts while in wd is so scary and awful. Like there is NO way out. Finally I hit a window and the fear/thoughts dissipated to just how I used to fear them. The suicide ideation disappeared (I never thought of suicide before these pills). I think I may have ehit a wave the last few days (not as intense) but the fears/thoughts have still stayed mild. Definately not intense like before. I am able to dismiss the thoughts and not ruminate on them. This is proof that's its JUST wd. We both have always had the same fears. I guess our fears tend to intensify during wd. Such a strange phenominon!!

lmac, I totally relate to this. I never thought of suicide before the pills either. And I could never even come close to understanding why anyone would ever want to do it. I was one of those jerks who had no sympathy for people in depression. Now, in this wave and earlier in WD, these thoughts have consumed my thinking. I don't want to die, and I fear it, but I don't want to live like this and don't know how I would forever, either. So I'm stuck in this weird place. As you know, I got better for a long time and the thoughts went away, so I'm hoping they'll dissipate just as before. They will.

[lmac]

Originally Posted by schwanke

lmac, I totally relate to this. I never thought of suicide before the pills either. And I could never even come close to understanding why anyone would ever want to do it. I was one of those jerks who had no sympathy for people in depression. Now, in this wave and earlier in WD, these thoughts have consumed my thinking. I don't want to die, and I fear it, but I don't want to live like this and don't know how I would forever, either. So I'm stuck in this weird place. As you know, I got better for a long time and the thoughts went away, so I'm hoping they'll dissipate just as before. They will.

Me too Schwanke. I feel like such an a-hole for being that jerk who had no sympathy for those people. I tell my hubby all the time that I can completely relate now why they do it. Its so eery and what I obsess about is "is this how those people felt too?". Its like an emotion that nobody has ever felt before, only when they want to kill themself. A really yucky, scary, bitterly empy emotion. I NEVER want that feeling ever again and am hoping it never comes back ever again. This is why I've always said I hope this didn't open pandora's box!! I just want to shut it, lock it and throw away the key!!
The sad thing is I wonder how many people who have actually committed suicide had these meds in their system or just out!! I think I read somewhere that something like 97% of suicides have been to see a shrink within 7 days. What does that tell you?? We all know how quickly people are dispensed this candy. And 2 people I know who killed themself in the last couple of years, were previously on ADs mnts before. Those poor people had no clue it was protracted wd doing this to them. We're so lucky because as least we KNOW why its happening!!! So lucky!! I thank God everyday! - althought it doesn't lessen the experience any while in that mode. Feels almost possessed doesn't it. - is your wave letting up at all?

[Bilo76]

Originally Posted by rangerNY

Ana, when I was in the thick of withdrawal, I had the EXACT illogical fixation that you're dealing with now (including the dreaded realization that everyone I love will one day be gone), and I do remember how extremely frightening it was at the time. The good news is that when I started working on slowing down my racing brain and changing my thoughts, that illogical fixation began to subside.

Drew, but do you think CBT "fixed" the problem? Or was it also time that passed so the WD was less?
Cause i have ti 24/7 nowadays,..i even wake up in my sleep all sweaty in fear of my death. I think that's a bit extreme to be defeated only with CBT. At least i think i cant manage that. Its not only the thoughts. Its the dreamy state i am already in thanks to dp/dr. So its an easy breading ground for weird thoughts. Plus the anxiety that's nonstop present thanks to WD. That also enhances the experience. And i feel wird,..like a mist in my head,..like everything is not real,..like i am already halve death. So i personally think CBT can guide me through this process and let my mind accept things and focus on something else. But i think true healing can not begin before time has passed. If you break your leg and you have a lot of pain and depression about it. Controlling your mind with CBT can manage the pain and learn you to be more positive about it. But it simply will not mend the broken bone,..only time can

Was it also like that for you Drew?
And do you often think and fear about death nowadays?

[Bilo76]

Drew or anyone els? I still have this 24/7. So afraid of death and obsessing about it. I cant watch a person on tv or real life without thinking they will die. I am using cbt a lot but no luck so far. Ana q reinstated. But are there people who also had this in wd that "beaten" it without drugs?

[lmac]

Bilo - like you know, I had this 100% of the time and for months and months. Its very scary isn't it.
I'm not on any meds and its almost gone for me. It is something that's going away gradually for me. As of late, it maybe crosses my mind 3-4 times a day now and doesn't really scare me anyore. Now its a thought I can just dismiss and/or be annoyed with. On my days where I feel more symptoms or ruminating is easier, then I'll think these thoughts more. But I am SO glad for it not to happening like it used to. Every minute of everyday. And I CBT'd the s*** outta of them and it didn't work. I was so worried it was permanent.
Its just the intensity of your fears, you're still in the thick of it. Try accpeting the thoughts and move on for now. I used to say every 2 minutes of the day "yes we will all die someday" because I didn't know what else to do. Most importantly, try not to analyze it and over think the thoughts (that's were get into trouble). I used to analyze over and over WHY I'm having the thoughts.
Just trust us who say the WILL go away. As you notice on here, most people who were in acute wd had intrusive and obsessive thinking. I think this is the dominant symptom but we're all different and our minds pick different themes, particularly what we're most afraid of. Mine jumped from people dying of an accident or illness to suicide and it was the moist unpleasant way to live day in and day out. There is a light Bilo - trust in it!!

[lmac]

Originally Posted by lmac

Bilo - like you know, I had this 100% of the time and for months and months. Its very scary isn't it.
I'm not on any meds and its almost gone for me. It is something that's going away gradually for me. As of late, it maybe crosses my mind 3-4 times a day now and doesn't really scare me anyore. Now its a thought I can just dismiss and/or be annoyed with. On my days where I feel more symptoms or ruminating is easier, then I'll think these thoughts more. But I am SO glad for it not to happening like it used to. Every minute of everyday. And I CBT'd the s*** outta of them and it didn't work. I was so worried it was permanent.
Its just the intensity of your fears, you're still in the thick of it. Try accpeting the thoughts and move on for now. I used to say every 2 minutes of the day "yes we will all die someday" because I didn't know what else to do. Most importantly, try not to analyze it and over think the thoughts (that's were get into trouble). I used to analyze over and over WHY I'm having the thoughts.
Just trust us who say the WILL go away. As you notice on here, most people who were in acute wd had intrusive and obsessive thinking. I think this is the dominant symptom but we're all different and our minds pick different themes, particularly what we're most afraid of. Mine jumped from people dying of an accident or illness to suicide and it was the moist unpleasant way to live day in and day out. There is a light Bilo - trust in it!!

Oh and keep doing cbt even if doesn't appear to work because once this crap starts to lift, cbt WILL really start to work. Especially with someone who's orignal issue was panic/anxiety. Just remember, you had this all before but you didn't have wd before. This is making you a much stronger person and once you're out of acute wd, you will realize that having panic and anxiety (the normal kind) are a walk in the park compared to acute wd. You will be celebrating.

[julieannboo]

since i hit 8.4mg - my health anxieties have calmed down alot which makes me believe even more that it was paxil poopout that cause me to start havign health anxiety 3 years ago.

i am not 100% clear of it but it is much better now that i am tapering and am now on a low dose.