My Lexapro Journey

[KristinaG]

Hello all! So glad to have discovered your site. Wish I had found it sooner.

My journey thusfar is as follows. I'm a little unsure of the exact dates, because I was young when my journey began.

03 first started zoloft
04-05 intermittently on zoloft along with recreational drug use
2-16-05 200mg zoloft, seroquel
Spring 06 20mg Lexapro
Spring 08 CT due to religious pressures, crash
Summer 08 20mg Lexapro
9/12 15mg
12/11 12.5mg
3/12 10mg
6/12 7.5mg
9/12 5mg
1/13 CT also quit birth control, crash
2/18/13 reinstated 5mg, had side effects
2/20/13 2.5mg due to side effects, happy

Look forward to working with liquid from here on out. My doctor has been respectful and encouraging.

[KristinaG]

The withdrawal symptoms I have had this go round were anhedonia(briefly until I reinstated to 2.5), crazy central nervous system(noises and touch were unbearable for awhile), insomnia(still battling this one), and a fuzzy feeling around my butt and privates which seems to be getting better.

Today I feel very lazy and have been feeling lazy for the last few days. I am also having some sort of awareness that I cannot put my finger on which is making me feel like a teenager again(which is appropriate b/c I started these at 16). If I could put words to it, I would describe it is a bittersweet feeling of really enjoying a moment and not wanting it to end. I hope that makes sense. I also feel this intense emotional attachment to my husband which I haven't felt in a long time. These feelings could be due to the fact that I have also gotten off of birth control. Either way, I thought they were long gone with my teenage years. Turns out that their absence wasn't due to maturity; It was drug induced.

[KristinaG]

HORRIBLE headache tonight. I have been getting them in the mornings, but wasn't expecting one at night. Could also be a result of my Xanax usage this go round? I used a lot of Xanax during the crash, so maybe that's what it is.

Hubby has been working nights for over a week now, and I'm sick of being alone. Night shift is over on Tuesday, so I will be celebrating.

[KristinaG]

Have been getting those bad headaches at night. Started to get one last night when I was preparing to do my homework, but I just decided to postpone it and relax. The headache went away.

I've been getting a bit of nervousness during the day. It's starting to make me wonder if I'll get back to 100%. Hope so! I think it's just a matter of time. I don't want to make the next taper until I am feeling perfectly on top of my game.

I think the taper would have been easier if there weren't a lot of stressors in my life: 18 hours of school, 20 hours a week at work, hubby working nights, and just took over the books for our farm. I barely have any time for praying and reading my Bible. It sucks. My tutoring gig is up in April, so maybe my stress will level out then.

Hubby is off tonight, so I am looking forward to spending some time with him.

[AmyK]

Welcome, Kristina! This is a great site, I hope you find it helpful!
All the best,
Amy

[KristinaG]

Thank you Amy! I love the site.

I feel great today. I'm a little tired, but I have been sleeping well the last two nights with no Xanax. Just my 2.5mg of Lexapro at the moment.

Hubby was home last night and will be home again tonight. He had to go pick up some fishing gear for his tournament this weekend, so while he was out, he bought me a cute "just because" shirt. Gotta love him! We're going out of town again this weekend for the tournament. So pumped!

It is also my last day of work for the week, so I should be able to catch up on my school work. I'm also looking forward to having the time to dig into the Word of God this weekend and find some extra comfort.

This just confirms to me that my anxiety as of late has been more related to external pressures than withdrawal symptoms which makes me ecstatic.

Gotta be honest with you, tapering at 2.5 mg per taper has been a breeze for me. Yes, I have had withdrawals, but nothing lasting, and I am learning a lot about myself.

Reading the stories on this site are a bit of a downer sometimes, because I feel like maybe I should be having more trouble than I am. Does that make any sense? It also makes me feel like getting completely off of the drug is undoable, because I cannot deal with two years of withdrawals.

I hope to read more success stories! I do have friends who have gotten off of the drug with no problem, so that is encouraging. I'm just praying for everyone here to have success.

[IsaMaus]

I do think that many ppl that get better, just leave this site and dont come back. They wnat to restart their new life and only some of them write a success story. I have read the positive ones we have but I wish we would have more.

I am pretty sure this **** isnt permanent, but for some it is harder than for others. I am glad you dont have so many problems. That is wonderful.

When u are off Lexapro, dont forget to write a success story and inspire others.

[KristinaG]

Isamus,

Thanks for the response! I bet you are right about people just leaving and not writing their success story. I will definitely write one when my journey with Lexapro comes to an end. I want to help as many people come off of this poison drug as possible. I want people to be encouraged when they face all of the doctors and people who will tell them, "You will never get off of this drug."

To say that it hasn't been hard at times would be a lie, but it just seems like my struggles pale in comparison to what everyone else is going through.

I have a really strong support system which helps a lot. My sister-in-law is also in the process of getting off of her SSRI, and the rest of my family is very very supportive.

I know you have struggled, but I think you will make it! It takes a strong person to even BEGIN the journey you are on.

Keep in touch!

[KristinaG]

Horrible day!

I've been weepy all day. I feel like I screw everything up.

I'm pretty sure this is hormones, because this is how I feel during pms. The BC I got off of only allowed me to cycle 4 times a year(Seasonique). Prior to that, I was on 20mg of Lexapro but was weepy and moody 3 weeks out of the month. I got relief for one week of the month. The Lexapro never helped my problems, and when I was put on the Seasonique, I got a lot of relief. I have tapered many times while I was on Seasonique and never felt like this. Now that I am off of it, I feel horrible all of the time and I am questioning everything.

I have an appointment with my OB/GYN tomorrow afternoon to get blood work done and discuss hormone treatment options while trying to conceive.

Feeling really discouraged, because if this is not hormones, it is withdrawals and I have never had them last this long before. I will have to reinstate at a higher dosage because I can't take this anymore.

[KristinaG]

Ok, so I went to my OB/GYN, and my suspicions were confirmed: I have PMDD.

The best description she could give me is that people have different reactions to the drop in hormones right before menstruation. Most women have more physical and less psychological, but about 5% of women have more psychological symptoms and less physical.

She told me that some people find relief with SSRIs, but she recommended CBT with a therapist. She also said that PMDD can be treated by eliminating the drop in hormones which causes menstruation by using birth control and eliminating the placebo week. That's why I rarely felt this way while I was on birth control... even while I was decreasing my SSRI. I was on an extended cycle birth control which limited my periods to once every three months.

I found some PMDD bloggers online who are skeptical of taking the birth control to treat PMDD, because they say it is not treating the real problem. They say that the problem is the REACTION the the drop in hormones, not the drop its self. I tend to agree, but I refuse to live in misery just because a more accurate treatment has not been developed. I, for one, believe that I have a highly sensitive nervous system(google: highly sensitive people), and that is not something that is undesirable. That being said, I'll do whatever it takes to treat my PMDD, including take the hormones. I think that the hormones are at least a step closer to the right approach than taking SSRIs.

I had been feeling pretty awful all week, and I had a panic attack on Friday before we left for our weekend trip. I was fine all weekend as my external pressures were removed, but when we got home, I started panicking again. Last night I awoke in the middle of the night with a panic attack.

That being said, hubby and I have agreed to get back on BC until my semester is over and we will try to conceive in the summer when I am under less stress. I took my first pill this afternoon around three, and if my appetite is any indication, I am already showing a tremendous amount of improvement.

I would like to recommend that everyone look into ALL possible causes of your depression. Have blood tests done, ask your doctor about PMDD and hypothyroidism and other illnesses. You never know. You may find relief you would have never discovered otherwise.

[KristinaG]

Took Monday and Tuesday off as personal days to give time for my hormones to level out.

Woke up this morning around 5:30 with my hubby, and couldn't go back to sleep because of my crazy appetite. Went back to sleep after eating, then slept a good long while.

Woke back up feeling good, and got more accomplished in one day than the last two months I have been off of birth control combined: cleaned the bathroom, the living room, and the kitchen, cooked, and caught up on homework. Felt AMAZING by late afternoon. I was more sociable with my family than I can remember being in a long time.

About to start on homework now, and not dreading it for a change.

[KristinaG]

Something disturbing went down in my family this week on Wednesday that I am having to get through. Don't want to say exactly what, because I want to respect the privacy of the individuals involved. I just want to say this: It's made me rethink my relationship with my biological family.

I am a.) having trouble wrapping my mind around what happened, and b.) working through some old baggage that the situation brought up.

There is one good thing that has come of this somewhat devastating situation, and it is that I woke up in the middle of the night on Wednesday imploring myself, "You do not have to do this anymore. You don't have to go there. You can draw the line." And I have.

I have drawn a line in my heart in regards to my relationship with my family. The line doesn't mean I don't love them or won't see them anymore. It just means that I am no longer holding myself responsible for them, and I am no longer holding myself responsible for their happiness. I am also no longer allowing myself to be affected by their unhealthy emotional habits.

I truely believe that releasing myself from this bondage will allow my relationship with my biological family to grow in a healthier direction. I am finally free to have a relationship with them just as they are and love them for who they are... not who I want them to be or hope they will one day be.

I am asking God to show me the type of relationship he wants me to have with them.

My husband has been amazing and validating throughout this entire ordeal, and I thank God for him. He is the biggest blessing I have ever received.

In withdrawal news, I am still having insomnia, but I think it is more stress and less withdrawals. I am taking 18 hours of school, working 20, and managing the books for our small business. I think when my tutoring gig is up, and school is out I will start sleeping better. I am making plans to lighten my schedule in the fall so as not to have this much stress.

I am easily overstimulated, and hubby is the exact opposite. I explained to him yesterday that he may function his best on this type of schedule, but I am barely getting by. He is trying to understand, and he is being very compassionate.

Hope everyone is well!

[KristinaG]

I recently learned something about myself and my self-esteem that I hope can help someone else on here: I set unrealistic goals.

My goals don't come in the form of "I need to be a millionaire by the time I'm thirty," but in the more subtle form of, "This fall I want to graduate, and I need to make extra money. So, I will take eighteen hours at school, tutor, and pick up extra work if possible. I will also take over the books for our small business to help out financially."

For some reason, I do this to myself over and over and over. Then, when I start to flounder under the heavy load, I beat myself up saying things like, "You're such a failure. You should be able to do this." And I compare myself to others who seem to be carrying a load as heavy or heavier than mine with ease.

This is detrimental to my self esteem, because the truth is that I am very competent at my job, my school work, and my family life. I just cannot perform my best while attempting to do them all(to the extreme) at the same time.

It is unrealistic for me to expect anything else out of myself. I am my best me when my load is slightly lighter. I plan to take twelve hours of school this fall and work part time WITHOUT picking up any extra work. That is a reasonable workload for me.

[Brassmonkey]

Hi Kristina--Thats a big realization to make, congratulations. Now putting it into practice may take some doing, but I'm sure that your up to it. My wife has mentined a book "Living Without a Goal" (I gota check to make sure that's right). the primis is that in todays society we are putting too much pressure on ourselves to "produce and get things done" and it is making us nutts. I hope the lighter schedule helps this fall.