I can't work

[julleri]

Hi all,

I had a very bad night last night. I was sweaty, dizzy, and nauseous. I kept walking around trying to calm myself so that I wouldn't throw up. I laid in bed and wasn't able to sleep. I was wide awake with insomnia.

I have made a choice and that is to take time from work and school. I was already on intermittent FMLA, but I just can't function right now. Everything is so scary ever since that adverse reaction, and now the subsequent withdrawals. It's just too hard. I've told work, called my psychiatrists office, told my roommates, and some friends, and my therapist. Some of them I'm waiting for a call back from them.

I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I don't know how much sicker I am going to get. I keep replaying the words Scotty wrote me, that stopping 1.8mg of Prozac isn't going to cause a big withdrawal problem. I really hope she's right. But for right now, all my body pains and poppings, the withdrawal episodes I have been having (shaky arms and legs, sweaty, dizzy, nauseous episodes) and these flashback sensations of dread and doom from the adverse reaction are making daily life a struggle. I don't know how I'm going to do this financially as I only have a couple thousand dollars in the bank. My friend I just spoke with on the phone asked if I'm going to be able to do this financially, and I really wanted to ask him if he'd be able to help me out if it gets bad, but I was too embarrassed to ask. I will apply for short term disability through my insurance through work. I hope I'll get approved. But for now, I am just too sick to work. I never thought I'd be in this situation, but here I am. Honestly it makes me feel suicidal, but it's not the same suicidal feelings I was getting on Prozac.

I was able to sleep this morning. Eating is pretty scary to me now, though. The fear of vomitting is intense for me. I wish it wasn't, but it really is.

I really don't know what to do, guys. This is pretty terrifying and defeating. God help me. Please.

[audrealjade]

Jason - please read this thread of mine. http://www.paxilprogress.org/forums/...ad.php?t=55010

I know how much desperation you are feeling right now - I do 100%. But please read the advice I got on this thread because although I struggle every single day, all day, I think I am in a healthier spot than I was if I had stayed at home with myself all day, every day.

I agree that school is too much of a work load for you right now. And also I'm not sure what your job entails as far as cognition because that can be extremely difficult. But my fear for you is I don't want you to be so consumed with this fear that you develop agoraphobic thoughts.

This is all so scary but they are JUST feelings. They CANNOT hurt you. I went through so many frightening sensations and they continue to be but this is just a painful process of readapting by our brains. You are going to survive this - you will.

[aberdeen]

Maybe scale things down a little but trust me....I'm a stay at home Mom, and when I feel normal I love the days my 2 kids are in school because I can plan my own day and get into projects around the house or read, or go shopping un-distracted. But when I'm anxious/depressed, I HATE being home alone all day. The day just drags and I have almost nothing I can do that keeps me from over-thinking how I feel. I end up sleeping and then I feel unproductive and guilty, or I just spend too much time online which makes me anxious. I eventually STARTED a job, and mainly just to keep moving and keep being productive, so i don't have to feel like this is robbing me of my life. It's an "easy" job, very short shifts and not many hours, in fact next week I'm only working 4 hours,lol. But it gives me a new focus and makes me feel kinda tough-like "HA, see? I'm still living!" I could NOT handle school and full time work or anything huge right now, there's no way. But maybe keep part of your weekly obligations, it might be the best thing for you!

[aberdeen]

Originally Posted by audrealjade

Jason - please read this thread of mine. http://www.paxilprogress.org/forums/...ad.php?t=55010

I know how much desperation you are feeling right now - I do 100%. But please read the advice I got on this thread because although I struggle every single day, all day, I think I am in a healthier spot than I was if I had stayed at home with myself all day, every day.

I agree that school is too much of a work load for you right now. And also I'm not sure what your job entails as far as cognition because that can be extremely difficult. But my fear for you is I don't want you to be so consumed with this fear that you develop agoraphobic thoughts.

This is all so scary but they are JUST feelings. They CANNOT hurt you. I went through so many frightening sensations and they continue to be but this is just a painful process of readapting by our brains. You are going to survive this - you will.

Are you glad you kept working now?

[audrealjade]

Part of me worries that I'm not getting enough rest which is prolonging my recovery but the other part of me knows in my heart that this is the healthiest path for me. Had I quit and stayed at home all day I think the days would pass so much slower and our biggest healer is time so I want those days to fly by quickly!

[scotty]

Originally Posted by julleri

Hi all,

I had a very bad night last night. I was sweaty, dizzy, and nauseous. I kept walking around trying to calm myself so that I wouldn't throw up. I laid in bed and wasn't able to sleep. I was wide awake with insomnia.

I have made a choice and that is to take time from work and school. I was already on intermittent FMLA, but I just can't function right now. Everything is so scary ever since that adverse reaction, and now the subsequent withdrawals. It's just too hard. I've told work, called my psychiatrists office, told my roommates, and some friends, and my therapist. Some of them I'm waiting for a call back from them.

I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I don't know how much sicker I am going to get. I keep replaying the words Scotty wrote me, that stopping 1.8mg of Prozac isn't going to cause a big withdrawal problem. I really hope she's right. But for right now, all my body pains and poppings, the withdrawal episodes I have been having (shaky arms and legs, sweaty, dizzy, nauseous episodes) and these flashback sensations of dread and doom from the adverse reaction are making daily life a struggle. I don't know how I'm going to do this financially as I only have a couple thousand dollars in the bank. My friend I just spoke with on the phone asked if I'm going to be able to do this financially, and I really wanted to ask him if he'd be able to help me out if it gets bad, but I was too embarrassed to ask. I will apply for short term disability through my insurance through work. I hope I'll get approved. But for now, I am just too sick to work. I never thought I'd be in this situation, but here I am. Honestly it makes me feel suicidal, but it's not the same suicidal feelings I was getting on Prozac.

I was able to sleep this morning. Eating is pretty scary to me now, though. The fear of vomitting is intense for me. I wish it wasn't, but it really is.

I really don't know what to do, guys. This is pretty terrifying and defeating. God help me. Please.

What positive thing is sitting at home going to do? You will then have 24/7 to obsess over symptoms, regardless of their cause. Julleri, you know that you have severe health anxiety and doing nothing that will distract you is only going to make things worse. One of the best things for obsessing is distraction and work is that distraction, despite what you believe.

There is nothing physically making you unable to work, other than irrational fears. They are not going to get better by being home, and in fact they will increase with to much time to worry about them.

In my opinion, this is the worst step that you can take.

[Brassmonkey]

I'm so busy at work I don't have time to think about w/d. I get a head ache I have to power through it, upset stomach, ignore it and it will go away. All in all workis one of the best things I can be doing right now.

[SGramer]

Could you go to part time and have your insurance cover the rest. You would be able to get more rest, reduced some stress, and increase the amount of time. Just a thought. If you are going to be home I hope you have a hobby. Having to chase my 9 month old around and playing guitar when I feel good is a nice distraction. Well, on top of cleaning the house.

[julleri]

Originally Posted by scotty

What positive thing is sitting at home going to do? You will then have 24/7 to obsess over symptoms, regardless of their cause. Julleri, you know that you have severe health anxiety and doing nothing that will distract you is only going to make things worse. One of the best things for obsessing is distraction and work is that distraction, despite what you believe.

There is nothing physically making you unable to work, other than irrational fears. They are not going to get better by being home, and in fact they will increase with to much time to worry about them.

In my opinion, this is the worst step that you can take.

I am really torn. Last night and today I was so sick that I couldn't imagine being that way at work. Today I was so dizzy and nauseous that I couldn't sit up in bed. But right now I am feeling a little bit better in that I can walk around, but I know these dizzy spells are going to get worse and worse.

I understand what everyone is saying about not staying home to not dwell on it. Two other friends today have also suggested it, and I don't want to dwell, either. But honestly, at work I have so little to do that I sit and dwell on it there, and I'm very uncomfortable there because I'm at work, sitting in the middle of a bunch of people where it is too close for comfort, and don't want to be feeling there like I was feeling last night and today. It is too hard. But at the same time I don't want to be isolated all day dwelling on these things, either.

[julleri]

Originally Posted by SGramer

Could you go to part time and have your insurance cover the rest. You would be able to get more rest, reduced some stress, and increase the amount of time. Just a thought. If you are going to be home I hope you have a hobby. Having to chase my 9 month old around and playing guitar when I feel good is a nice distraction. Well, on top of cleaning the house.

I don't know about the part time. It's a full-time position, and this company is run like a prison (little flexibility, employees treated like children, etc) that I doubt they'd negotiate with me on that.

I don't really have a hobby. I've been so sick. That adverse reaction really really messed up my mind so much that I feel like I've been living in an alternate reality. The only good things about these withdrawal episodes is that I can feel my mind "clear up."

This is so hard. I've made some calls to friends to ask if I could stay with them. My problem is I don't like asking for help.

[scotty]

Originally Posted by julleri

But right now I am feeling a little bit better in that I can walk around, but I know these dizzy spells are going to get worse and worse.

OK, I'm going to be really blunt here....WHY do you do this to yourself? You anticipate problems, worry about anticipated problems, obsess about what "will" happen, and then blame withdrawal when your own anxiety and obsessing create the problems. You don't "know" what is going to happen tomorrow, but I'll guarantee if you continue this thought pattern, nothing is going to change.

Do you really think that having to live with someone, having to find money from somewhere and spending all day and night worrying is going to make this better? I don't get it.

[julleri]

Originally Posted by scotty

OK, I'm going to be really blunt here....WHY do you do this to yourself? You anticipate problems, worry about anticipated problems, obsess about what "will" happen, and then blame withdrawal when your own anxiety and obsessing create the problems. You don't "know" what is going to happen tomorrow, but I'll guarantee if you continue this thought pattern, nothing is going to change.

Do you really think that having to live with someone, having to find money from somewhere and spending all day and night worrying is going to make this better? I don't get it.

I'm sorry, Laurie. You'll have to forgive me. My mind is so messed up right now.

I was watching the news tonight, and my thoughts started racing. I was thinking about suicide! It felt just like the suicidal ideations and feelings I was getting on the Prozac.

I don't know what happened to me, but my thinking is so disorganized now. It's like these intrusive thoughts that are not my own come into my mind. It's like I'll be fine, clear-headed, feeling OK, then all of a sudden this horror and confusion and unclear thinking comes over me and my head and my thinking. Seriously, these are things I have been praying to God to make go away. And I can't think of any explanation for these thoughts other than my body is still in shock from the adverse reactions I was having to the med, and it's trying like hell to readjust.

And you're right about the work. It's like this decision I made while I was in the thick of feeling horrible last night. Yes, I still felt horrible today, but it went away. But then it came back.

I honestly think I have lost my mind to the meds. I feel things slowly improving. These flashback like feelings come and go, though, still. It has me terrified and it's pretty traumatic. Will this go away?

I'm sorry, Laurie. I feel like I am a problem on this board sometimes. I just really really wish I could express just how messed up that adverse reaction made my brain.

[SGramer]

Originally Posted by julleri

I don't know about the part time. It's a full-time position, and this company is run like a prison (little flexibility, employees treated like children, etc) that I doubt they'd negotiate with me on that.

I don't really have a hobby. I've been so sick. That adverse reaction really really messed up my mind so much that I feel like I've been living in an alternate reality. The only good things about these withdrawal episodes is that I can feel my mind "clear up."

This is so hard. I've made some calls to friends to ask if I could stay with them. My problem is I don't like asking for help.

If you are really treated badly at work that may not be the ideal place to be. It does not sound like you have a choice when jobs are hard to come by though. And living day to day could be very stressful. You have worked hard to get where you are and throwing it all away is not the best idea.

[trixiemom]

If you feel working part-time vs. full-time would help, if your doctor says that is what's necessary on FMLA paperwork/documentation, then if you are in the US, I'm pretty sure your employer legally has to provide you any reasonable accomodations. They are always especially careful when it relates to mental health concerns. I would ask your HR/FMLA rep about it.

I understand both sides of this conversation. I am weaning right now and have been off work a week and a half because the withdrawal is so bad. I feel so foggy I'm not sure if driving is safe. I'm not afraid to drive, but I'm so foggy, I really don't think my 40 min. drive is a good idea, and I've had the dry heaves and sweats. However... I do need to keep my mind busy otherwise it really sucks. So as I am feeling up to it, I've been logging in from home (not sure if you have that capability?) and answering emails or helping with projects. I'm not trying to hi-jack your thread, but I'm hoping to be stabilized by next week so that I can at least go back to work some! Also... mornings are REALLY bad for me. So instead of starting work at 8, I might ask my boss if I can go in at 10 a.m. That way I'll have an hour or so for the morning nausea, etc. to pass. See if there is some way you can figure out to do SOME work. Then you take away the worry of losing all the income too.

Also, someone else said that if you're treated that badly at work, it might not be the best place. So true. That isn't helping your state of mind. I've been there before and I'm sure it's making you dread going to work/have more anxiety. Not saying to quit right away... but it's probably a really good time to start looking for something new.

Hang in there.

[Songbird]

I really understand where you're at. When I crashed I could not function at all and work would have been impossible. After a few weeks I had improved and I went back part-time, only 2-3 hours per day and it was extremely difficult. I worked in IT and it is a very intellectually demanding job, difficult to do when you can't think straight. It also involves a lot of sitting at a desk, very difficult when you have akathisia. I actually felt much better at home, however I had my husband and kids around a lot of the time so I wasn't on my own for extended periods of time.

I don't think working at a prison-camp style job would be good for you right now, especially if your job is demanding or stressful. It might be good to try to find some part-time work in a less demanding role for a couple of hours a day so you aren't alone all day. I don't know if it is possible to find something like that.

I recommend, when you are at home, try to make a plan for each day. Schedule in some physical exercise, some relaxation exercises, and perhaps some household tasks such as laundry. Tick things off when you've achieved them.

Another important tip: positive self-talk, all day long. Write down simple affirmations where you can see them easily and repeat them to yourself as often as you can. Use them whenever negative thoughts or worrying start to creep in. This helped me a lot.

[obliviousjo]

Jason if ur up pm me please...I'm going to post to u now but dont want to sit here using my stupid cell and taking forever IF you need to talk NOW

[obliviousjo]

Here it goes...yeah I agree with others that IF you can continue work, do it but come on guys??? Jason there were days in that first 3 weeks of my ct from effexor that I was scarred $hitless of talking to my friends even...and I'm not a shy cat....I'm just now feeling like really facing the whole world...That first month of wd or getting down to the tiny amounts really messes w ur mind...And I was only on 75mg of that effexor!!!
I think that IF ur truley scared in the environment, take a miny time out IF you can.....But don't let ur mind get too comfortable at home....Know ur not going to get worse and worse..you won't....maybe for a min here...more like a month or so but....anyhoo....For me I did not take a stitch of a effexor dose for over 3 weeks than dabbled with reinstating to a tiny dose of only 12.5 mg. but not because I got more mind fricked...bc of that pukey, flu like crap..But my mind got healthier everyday....stopped hiding out in room...forced myself to cook, clean, go out with friends.....youll get there....those first couple weeks there was zero chance I could have worked...but I knew this...for me, it wasnt going to happen....I was throwing up, scared to talk to ppl that is very out of character for me...can only imagine if those were my regular demons....yes I'm always anxious...think everyone here IS or we wouldnt need a site to calm our thousands of wd questions....right??? Right
I know u have a fear of throwing up so why not try that dremamine or whatever its called for the nauseousness? Worked great for me in those beginning stages...last couple days I have been extremly nauseous and kept foegetting to just go some so...held in that puke until there was nooooo way and I felt better for a good lil window after each trip...try to think like that if possible....get it out than that pukey feeling subsides...helps me...
Today I went to look at new apartment....walked outside while other prospects were checking place out.....min I got to yard it was coming up...looked up out of corner of eye when done...they were looking at me thru L room window..lol whatcha gonna do? We all get the flu
Anyway ur sentence about being a pain or whatever on this site made me feel so sad for you....Isn't this what this site is for? Sharing, helping each other out??? Only wish I wouldnt of been so sick to miss ur post....
I'm sick as hell, puking BUT that scared to live in the real world gets better everyday...Hence why I'm no longer on this site non stop...lol..Remember you were on much higher dose than me, might take you a bit longer to feel ok again....I must come off less anxious than I am bc others seem to think I'm mentally stronger but....leaving my bedroom was freaky for that first couple weeks..hard to explain but you KNOW what I mean...
So again IF you need min to just.....be....take it...but don't let yourself get too cozy....or there really will no reason to get out of bed.....There is plenty of hope your going to be less anxious, less depressed, less everything ok?,, Your healing

[audrealjade]

It is unreal how scary our perceptions are to the world. I went from being completely comfortable in pretty much all situations to terrified to wake up in the morning. If this job is incredibly stressful than I agree that is not the best place for you, but like others have said - sitting at home and thinking about your symptoms all day is going to make things grueling for you unnecessarily. Even if you were able to find part time work or volunteer work. Something to get you out of the house and out of your mind for little bits at a time would be healthy I think.

And those suicidal thoughts are not real! I have them and I distance myself from them and say, "You aren't me." The real you deep down who is in chaos right now knows that this is not real or what you want.

[lotusflower]

Jaon,

So glad you are posting here about these issues. How are you feeling today?
We care about you....you are in the right place. I hope you'll give us an update, best to you, big hug, joannexo

[audrealjade]

Originally Posted by lotusflower

Jaon,

So glad you are posting here about these issues. How are you feeling today?
We care about you....you are in the right place. I hope you'll give us an update, best to you, big hug, joannexo

Amen to this! We do care about you and are here for you!

[kathleen2]

Hello! I'm not around here much anymore, but dropped in to update my journal & wanted to reply.

I think it's important to realize that while withdrawal is godawful, it's time- limited, a phase of your life you'll move through. Whereas health anxiety is a much, much more devastating problem, because it's lifelong, and can, if not dealt with, shrink your life to *nothing*: no work, no income, no social life, no love life, no hobbies, just an endless cycle: worry about physical sensations; obsess/seek information/diagnosis/treat (which invariably involves obsessing about treatment); then feel a few days or hours of minutes of relief; start over. Classic OCD cycle. And the reason it's endless is because these habits are impacting your cognition, becoming more and more entrenched; and because there will always--always, every single minute of every day of your life--be something wrong with your body, because there is something "wrong" with everyone's bodies every minute of every day--that's the nature of being in a body that lasts, if we're lucky, 8 or 9 decades before going kaput. So please make sure your treatment is focusing on this, hopefully through cognitive behavioral therapy that will address these cognitive patterns?

[julleri]

Hi all,

I'm posting from bed right now. I didn't go to work today, mainly because I was too tired when my alarm went off. I will go to work on Monday. I just needed today to sleep.

My mind feels clearer. No foggy, delusional thoughts as of yet. When they come they really scare the crap out of me, though.

I tried to stay as positive as I could last night, watching late night TV, feeling totally unreal, though. I just felt so wide awake it was unreal. I was not hungry at all, despite how little of anything I ate yesterday.

I've decided to not give up my job at the moment, that it was a decision made in a withdrawal-induced haste.

I just hope that I don't get dizzy and nauseous spells at work, and that these foggy brain feelings with horrific fears and ideations goes away.

anyway just wanted to post a reply thanking everyone for their support. I have a therapy appointment today at 5:30.

[Wld]

Yay!

[obliviousjo]

I'm Glad ur forging ahead jason....Your stronger than you think yeeeeeaaa

[Mixter]

Good to hear Jason! It is always good to try, because it means that you can think less at the withdrawal symptoms as the job can help you to distract.
Still, I remember myself trying and it was tough, but doable! It is not impossible. You can do it!