Bilopedia

[Bilo76]

Today was my worst day so far. My parents wanted to bring me to the hospital closed psyche ward. They were worried about my insane thoughts and how i look and feel. I still try to hang in there. But its hard,..dont even feel human.

But there is this little voice inside me that keeps saying i need to move forward,..no antipsychotics, no benzos, no AD,,...

I am very selfdestructive and a part of me doesnt wanna get better. I only hope this is not the voice i hear,..that i only wanna prolong my suffering.

One can only hope i feel better soon. I can only lie on bed now and try to take a few walks per day. Its hell.

But now 11 days from all drugs. Symptoms:

- burning nerves
- IBS
- dizziness
- headaches
- depression
- anxiety/scared
- panic attacks
- DP/DR
- insane thoughts about cutting off arms and legs, killing people cause this life aint real anyways
- thinking about my own death and that life is useless all day. Shrink in fear at the idea of my own death.


man it's a LOT. It's no wonder that i feel like i am on the edge of losing my sanity.
I feel a bit proud that i can survive this hell. I know everybody thinks they have it the worst. But i think i am in the top 10 procent of worst cases on this forum. A CT from paxil after 16 years, a short taper after months of benzo use and a very short taper from lexapro;...it's a lot. And all though i feel like i am gonna commit suicide any day now...i hope i wont and i am very proud of sticking with it this far.




---------------edit------------------
Ohh LOL WLD,.you replied when i was writing it,..didnt see your comment

Originally Posted by Wld

This is probably no comfort....but I feel the same way Bilo. I don't know how I'm going to make it another day most of the time. Some how or another I do. I'm in the worst state of of WD I've ever been right now. There is absolutely nothing in the world positive. So I hear ya about positivity being impossible.

It looks like we both had bad situations coming off our meds. Can you humor me and remind me why you came off the Lexapro so quickly? I know you've
probably said it a million times before but I don't know where to look. I came off Celexa, after I tried to reinstate bc I believed it was making me sicker but
looking back on it now....I don't know anything. It's all bad and this latest... is unrelenting. And I don't know what to do. My Dr. is absolutely no help--he's
just a GP and doesn't really know anything from what I gather. How do you trust a Dr. that'll prescribe just anything you want him to? I saw a
psychiatrist and she just thinks I'm depressed and need to see a psychologist--which I am. But this is BIGGER than anything he could ever help me with. I know it is. I can't bear the thought of any new drugs ( i remember you saying you're not in the mood for any new drugs--that made me laugh--me either!)
but living like this isn't working very well either. It's a tough spot.

I hope you're having a better day today even if it is just a tiny bit better.

I think a doctor is no use now. Either you take meds (which i personally will do if no improvement soon) which is no shame,..or you will stick with it and face the WD. If you choose for option 1;..well we know what drug we want and in which dose...if we chose option 2;..well a doctor is even more useless, cause all he or she does is prescribe drugs. A CBT therapist is useless also in this thick of WD cause all hormones and transmitters are way off,...one cant talk its way out of that.
Only thing i am thinking about is going to see a hypnotherapist. With hypnose (trance) WD and anxiety can be better guided.

Why i tapered lexapro so fast? I switched to lexapro from paxil. The doctor said it's all the same. It wasnt. The lexapro covered a bit from teh CT paxil so that was good,..but mostly it didnt help at all. I had anxiety and panic attacks. And after the switch to lexapro i had 3 times as much anxiety and panic and DP/DR. Problem with lexapro was also that it gave me extra DP. I felt like a zombie. I didnt felt as worse as i do now,..but it was bad. So lexapro was a.) not covering the CT from paxil (a bit but not much) b.) it wasnt really helping with the anxiety (it helped in retrospect but i still got anxiety at night and i had a lot of insomnia) c.) it gave me much DP and i felt like a zombie.

I also always doubted if i felt so bad cause of the CT from paxil or from the lexapro, i was tested for chronic hyperventilation by neurology and te test prooved i breath a bit to fast 24/7. Thats why my blood is alcalic (this is a bad thing cause it blocks 30% of the blood to the brain and causes DP). So i wanted to know why i felt so bad,..and the only way to find out was to remove elements. Thats one reason why i tapered fast. We had to make decisions fast and i wanted to know what was to blame ( in order to build a plan what to do). Second reason was that a slow taper was not much use anymore. I was 16 years on a SSRI...but a slow taper from lexapro would not cover or help in anyway from my CT from paxil. That ship had saild. Or that was my impression. Thirt reason was;..all though in total considering my 16 years of SSRi use the lexapro taper was quick,..but if you look pure at the lexapro;..i was 1 month on it 10 mg,..then 1 month 15 mg, then 1 month 20 mg, then 1 month 15 mg, then 1 month 10 mg,..and then 1 mg drop per week. So basicly i was on the drug for 4 months on average 15 mg and then a taper of 3 months. Thats not 10% but its not VERY fast if you look at it like that. it only hurted a lot cause i now have two WD's,..from two different ssris. And if you look at it at a whole (count paxil and lexapro as 1 drug, like the doctors do) well then i had a very fast taper. 16 years on it and 3 months taper.

[Bilo76]

Hahah sorry i talked a lot i see now. I am tired and blabbering on.

i am off to bed. 01.31 here in the night

[Wld]

Wow it is late...yea, go to bed. It's only 5 pm here. See this in the morning

So option #1... you lost me. HOW do you know? Geez I can't even find anyone to offer any advice. When I broke down and grudgingly saw a pdoc I hit some sort of jackpot and drew the only psych. in the country not willing to offer me any drugs. My luck. I read crazymeds and drugs.com and every last one of those drugs sounds HORRIBLE! Everyone says you should be grateful but omg I'd at least like to hear some suggestions and weigh my options. I guess I just need to see another shrink. EVERYTHING in me doesn't want to. I feel like a f'ing junkie looking for a new dealer. But honestly I'm beginning to think this is just too much to bear. Sorry to be such a downer...

[Bilo76]

Do you think that if you wouldnt take any drug but you would fast forward time two years from now, that you would be in a better place? If not, take the drug.....if yes, wel basicly all you have to do is keep breathing :-)

[Wld]

That is something to think about. Barring any unforeseen circumstances...my life, fast forward 2 years, will be fine. It is now. It's the 2 years in the middle I don't want to give up. I'm too selfish. A day that goes by w/o me enjoying my kids, and my life in general is one too many. So do I give up these two years (potentially) and plan on "enjoying" my life afterwards or do I cut my losses now and go back on some drug to stretch out another 5-6 years (if that?) of being "ok"? I know you can't answer...but I think about this all the time. I don't know what to do, so I end up just going to bed and rethinking everything the next day. Ughhh

I'll be thinking of you tonight...I hope you sleep well

[nickels]

Bilo...maybe I'm missing the answer to this in the thread, but why did you switch to lexapro? Was it b/c the paxil was no longer effective in helping with your anxiety/panic?

[Bilo76]

Originally Posted by nickels

Bilo...maybe I'm missing the answer to this in the thread, but why did you switch to lexapro? Was it b/c the paxil was no longer effective in helping with your anxiety/panic?

I was indeed getting more and more panic attacks. And i thought it was a poopout and the doctor thought another drug might help better.
Problem is that i changed dose.
So june till december 2010 i weaned from my usual 20 mg dose to 15 mg. And in may 2011 the first panic attacks started to come. And in september 2011 i was a total mess. I had a lot of panic attacks and i couldnt even speak to my neighbour. The panic was worse then before or during my paxil period. I didnt suspect the 5 mg drop cause that was half a year ago and i didnt think 5 mg slow taper would make that difference. In okt 2011 i switched to lexapro.
The bad thing is that i dont know if it was a poopout or if i just had to get back to 20 mg. I still cant believe my doctor let me do a CT switch to lexapro instead of simply increasing the dose. I believed him when he said lexapro was better for me. Especially since paxil was helping with my panic attacks BUT i still had a lot of anxiety and i was unhappy in life(even with paxil couldnt start a relationship or travel). So i thought 'perhaps lexapro will also do something against the anxiety and mild depression'. Greedy i was!!

I also dont know if my chronic hyperventilating (not the acute hyperventilating like all panic attackers have,....but the disease) played a part in the returning of the panic attacks. It is all so complicated.
it's because i am depressed or because i am off the drugs;..but i really feel like i missed out on life. Even with paxil. I never could be in a relationship cause i got so much tension and anxiety. i dont know why. I was in a mental CBT clinic for 6 months in 2002. I remember getting a special sickness budget from the gouvernment (like invalids get) in order to get help in 2004. A girl that went walking with me and did the dishes etc.
So now of the paxil i wonder;...what am i returning to. I really have had a hard life.

And the weird thing is;..i am no freak. I am good looking, social, smart, funny, intelligent, athletic etc etc. But my whole life from baby to now has been 1 chain of anxiety. God gave me talents but i used NONE. Fear for school, fear for my parents dieing, fear for being alone at home when i was 9, fear for relationships, fear for open spaces, fear for my own death, fear to live a good life and especially fear for taking responsibility. This much fear stops one from growing as a person. Thats why i dont feel as a 35 year old grown man,..but as some boy. i dont even know who Bilo really is.

I always wonder now if all these problems i descibe,..all these anxiety, panic and fear dont have 1 big fear. The fear of being happy. I find myself more at peace when i am in a mess then when i am happy. It's like i am afraid of being happy I can enjoy a pot of tennis, a comic, a good movie or something small like that. but i can honestly say i been unhappy all my life. Scared and sad. And that can be cause of 2 reasons i always thought 1.) i think i am not worthy 2.) i am afraid if i have something i will lose it anyway. Death or lost will follow anyways.
Who knows why,..i just follow logic.
I had a chat with my mother and as a baby i cried a lot. I cried so much they took me in hospitals. One after another from when i was 3 months till i was 8 months. I slept there. they didnt find anything physical wrong. But she always thinks that the last 3 months of my birth it was very weird that she was still losing a lot of blood. And the birth of me (what a glorious day that was for the world ) was hard. And she said "bilo, when you came out, you had this intense scared look in your big eyes".
Who knows;..it went all wrong from there.

Thats why i am thinking that when i am out of WD or back on paxil...so when i am stable, i will see a hypnotherapist. Perhaps she can bring me back with reason of holding on to bad things and i keep fearing happiness. Cause a normal psychologist apparently cant help me with that.

i still wanna make something off this life. A large part of me is scared if things get better when out of WD. But another part wants to make something out of life. I want to be in love one day. I wanna travel out of my own country. I made a bucket list (loveeee that movie) of things i wanna do.

Anyways,..first things first,..and finding a way to less the anxiety and especially the dp/dr and insane thoughts.

Jeez i talk a lot lately hahaha. You ask a small question and i go on and on. I am like that old geezer from the muppet show on the balcony hahaha

ps: i can go back to paxil. And providing it will "work" again,.. i am not sure if i believe in the theory that some people have low serotonin and therefore have panic. All though i would be a good candidate for that theory since i have probs all my life since birth.

[Bilo76]

I made a decision together with my family. If i am still suffering this much on june 30th,..then i am going back to paxil. WD is to be expected for some months. But lying on the floor wishing to die, isnt.

So if no improvements in any of the areas either depression/panic/anxiety/burning nerves/dp/dr/suicidal and especially the weird thoughts ("am i in a coma, what am i, i dont exist, do i exist but i will die, we all die, ....and i wanna scream that i am locked in this body. etc) that keep scaring me 24/7,...if no improvements then i go back to 20 mg paxil.

Its now been 9 months in a rollercoaster from hell, hospitalized, almost committed suicide,..my mother worries so much she has lost a lot of hair, my father added another bloodpressure pill this week, my sister turns grey. All because they look at me and see how much pain i have. I gained 30 pounds last 4 months, sweaty, bloodlined eyes, i scratch myself open in night in my face. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
If paxil doesnt work then i commit suicide. At least i can say i really tried everything. Only regret i have, if i ever may feel better, is that this whole year of outer pain has been good for nothing and traumatised me. But if i just simple increased paxil doses last july non of this would have happen proberbly. And did i learn anything from it? Did i get stronger? Learned about life? NO,...i am only more scared.

BUT i still have a month. I will eat well, try to walk, drink water, use supplements, sleep well. Perhaps i see some slight improvement. if not;..to paxil it is and pray to god it will work.

[rose32]

Bilo

Hi again... it's ROSE .......

I just looked at your siggy and realized you went off of paxil C/T OCT 16 Switch to LEXPRO 15 mgs tapered oxaxepam ( how long of taper ) NOW NO MEDS AT ALL ????

I am no doctor or specialist but I keep looking at that and I can see why the HELL STARTED

PLEASE LISTEN
Way too much in such a short time....go back on and slow taper

I know it must feel like an eternity to you but C/T from paxil I think no medicine can mask these symptoms. IMO low dose of paxil and slow taper, your quality of life is important, not how long it takes

I am sorry I sound like a broken record.

I hope you rest well tonight. Later Rose

[julieannboo]

sending hugs from london xx

[Bilo76]

Thanks Rose and Julie. I will take in all info and especially hugs

[Bilo76]

Another day in hell. I think this was the hardest day so far. My nerves were burning so hard; it felt like i had burning wounds. Still does now late in the evening. its like my feet are in a tile of boiling water. A lot of pins and needles

And i am so scared and sad. It's like i am 4 years old. i wanna stay with my mother all the time. I can NOT stop thinking and shrink in fear about ,y own death. I keep thinking it;..i will die,..there will be nothing,...for all eternity nothing, there will be no more me.
And i am so sad and scared. Not panic or anxiety but really scared. And everything i see i think "doesnt matter, you are gonna die anyways".
I lost a girlfriend (dated her 1 year with full anxiety but loved her) due to anorexia,..a grandmother to a carcrash where i was in the car,..my father had an pacemaker when he was 40,..i have been bullied a lot on school. And all these things combined are just 50% og how sad and depressed i feel now. I couldnt walk today cause i was so sad and scared,..it was like my body couldnt move. I couldnt cry but i felt waves of sadness in my body.
Now it is almost midnight and all i can think of is that i will die some day. I know (well i hope) it is not tomorrow. I dont fear that. but the idea that i will one day be gone paralyses me. Omfg i had this as a kid, but never to this extend. And didnt had it on paxil. So i am hoping its WD.
And i keep looking at my age all day. Thinking i am already 35, have never lived together with a woman, no kids, only anxiety all my live and i am so sad i have wasted my life.

Man i cant believe how hard it is. It's unbelievable. I am so scared all day long my hand is like an open fist,..the tension brings my fingers together like a misformed hand.

MAN OH MAN this is hard. But i know going to the hospital;. they do nothing else then give me 50 mg oxazepam, an antipsychotic and they dont talk to me,..i been there. Going back on paxil;..i will do that if it stays like this,..but its a crap shoot and in 3 years i will have a poopout on paxil and will go through this again.

So i am praying (i dont think i believe in a god,.would be nice cause i would be less afraid of my death,..but god if you are there, please listen) that this will get better soon. I am not asking for a full recovery in 1 week. But a bit less feeling like i am in a bad dream, like i might die now,..a bit more human....please

[lmac]

Originally Posted by Bilo76

Another day in hell. I think this was the hardest day so far. My nerves were burning so hard; it felt like i had burning wounds. Still does now late in the evening. its like my feet are in a tile of boiling water. A lot of pins and needles

And i am so scared and sad. It's like i am 4 years old. i wanna stay with my mother all the time. I can NOT stop thinking and shrink in fear about ,y own death. I keep thinking it;..i will die,..there will be nothing,...for all eternity nothing, there will be no more me.
And i am so sad and scared. Not panic or anxiety but really scared. And everything i see i think "doesnt matter, you are gonna die anyways".
I lost a girlfriend (dated her 1 year with full anxiety but loved her) due to anorexia,..a grandmother to a carcrash where i was in the car,..my father had an pacemaker when he was 40,..i have been bullied a lot on school. And all these things combined are just 50% og how sad and depressed i feel now. I couldnt walk today cause i was so sad and scared,..it was like my body couldnt move. I couldnt cry but i felt waves of sadness in my body.
Now it is almost midnight and all i can think of is that i will die some day. I know (well i hope) it is not tomorrow. I dont fear that. but the idea that i will one day be gone paralyses me. Omfg i had this as a kid, but never to this extend. And didnt had it on paxil. So i am hoping its WD.
And i keep looking at my age all day. Thinking i am already 35, have never lived together with a woman, no kids, only anxiety all my live and i am so sad i have wasted my life.

Man i can believe how hard it is. It's unbelievable. I am so scared all day long my hand is like an open fist,..the tension brings my fingers together like a misformed hand.

MAN OH MAN this is hard. But i know going to the hospital;. they do nothing else then give me 50 mg oxazepam, an antipsychotic and they dont talk to me,..i been there. Going back on paxil;..i will do that if it stays like this,..but its a crap shoot and in 3 years i will have a poopout on paxil and will go through this again.

So i am praying (i dont think i believe in a god,.would be nice cause i would be less afraid of my death,..but god if you are there, please listen) that this will get better soon. I am not asking for a full recovery in 1 week. But a bit less feeling like i am in a bad dream, like i might die now,..a bit more human....please

Bilo - I feel for you. You are in my prayers.
Everything you just said (except I have my own traumatic life stories) I have FELT. It IS WD!! WD tends to really incredibly (very painfully) intensify everything we feel. And I also found for some reason, things kept popping in my head about my life, my past and it was all so incredibly scary. Its like our perception has changed because everything we were always afraid of has magnified 1000%. These are your normal fear blown up 1000%. I always feared death too, even as a child but it never interfeared with my life. But I have to pick 1 thing that scared me and gave me anxiety, it was my fear of death. My father died of a heart attack, my sister died of liver failure (at age 36) and my mom had cancer. I have always been surrounded by sickness and death so I've always feared it myself, especially that my sister died so young. I grieved her death and then during wd it came back SO bad. All the nightmares, the details etc: and my fear of death was magnified 1000% and was 24/7. I never thought of suicide my whole life but in wd my theme of death has been either dying of an illness or suicide because the pain was so crushing.
Bilo, I had this fear so bad and 24/7 and begged on these boards for someone to assure me it would go away. I felt it wasn't wd and now I'm doomed without meds (was on for 13 yrs). This fear of death is now only intense (and still NOT as intense as it was mnths ago) about 1 day out of 10 days. That's it. And I hope someday it will diappear. It was 27/7 for about 7 mnths and at most intense for about 3 mnths straight and constant. It WILL go away.
Trust yourself - in the end we all only have ourself!!
I get it. The time can't go any slower can it??!!

[Bilo76]

Originally Posted by lmac

Bilo - I feel for you. You are in my prayers.
Everything you just said (except I have my own traumatic life stories) I have FELT. It IS WD!! WD tends to really incredibly (very painfully) intensify everything we feel. And I also found for some reason, things kept popping in my head about my life, my past and it was all so incredibly scary. Its like our perception has changed because everything we were always afraid of has magnified 1000%. These are your normal fear blown up 1000%. I always feared death too, even as a child but it never interfeared with my life. But I have to pick 1 thing that scared me and gave me anxiety, it was my fear of death. My father died of a heart attack, my sister died of liver failure (at age 36) and my mom had cancer. I have always been surrounded by sickness and death so I've always feared it myself, especially that my sister died so young. I grieved her death and then during wd it came back SO bad. All the nightmares, the details etc: and my fear of death was magnified 1000% and was 24/7. I never thought of suicide my whole life but in wd my theme of death has been either dying of an illness or suicide because the pain was so crushing.
Bilo, I had this fear so bad and 24/7 and begged on these boards for someone to assure me it would go away. I felt it wasn't wd and now I'm doomed without meds (was on for 13 yrs). This fear of death is now only intense (and still NOT as intense as it was mnths ago) about 1 day out of 10 days. That's it. And I hope someday it will diappear. It was 27/7 for about 7 mnths and at most intense for about 3 mnths straight and constant. It WILL go away.
Trust yourself - in the end we all only have ourself!!
I get it. The time can't go any slower can it??!!

I owe you a lot Lmac. You reassurance always helps me.

But i pray that i wont have this 7 months. If i have it to this intensity again (especially with full blown depresion/anxiety/being scared) for another 3 weeks;... Then i will be on paxil again. And i really suspect that 90% of this forum doesnt suffer as you and i do. The annoying thing with being scared about dieing is that it is a real fear. It's not like spiders so i can touch one and say;..ahh it doesnt bite me. I mean I WILL DIE some day. I cant change that. I also wonder a lot why other people arent scared of dieing. i mean IT IS scary. It is the biggest fear in all humanity. I read a lo of scientific books and spiritual books about it. But i think the human brain is designed in such a way that we dont focus on it. "Dieing is something other people do" is a line a famous philosopher once said.
I ask everybody i see now or let my mother ask, if they are afraid for their death. And i always get the same answers "well if i am death i dont feel it do i" or "well i still have many years to go". Its like there brain chemistry is preventing them from feeling the fear for their death. They all do understand the question and know they gonna die,..but they dont feel it. And i so wish i could believe in something. but i am afraid that after death there is simply nothing, darkness,..or not even so...nothing. And i know i cant feel anything then,...but the idea,..pff even writing it makes my nerves burn like crazy.
I also asked my sister today if she is scared,..and she believes that her soul will be free from her body and she will be in space and watching her children. D4mnn i wish i could believe that. but i just have to much of an analytical mind. Hahahaha i asked her all questions like "but how are you gonna see if you eyes are death and in a coffin" and "if you believe you move on to another body at certain point like reincarnation. (she believes that),..then how can there be more bodies in the world today then 10 years ago. We dont have enough souls to fill all the bodies". But she tought she go through the air. Bit like patrick swazey in the movie Ghost. But i asked her why she would be in a humand ghost form...without her body whey would the ghost take on human form. And then i asked her if when she would float in the air with her soul if she also would see the souls of ants and muskitos,..but she said no,..only humans or perhaps large animals. Then i asked her where the line is...a chicken yes and a mouse not. Or yes to a horse but no to a pig? Then she got frustrated, what i could imagine so she left mumbling something about "crazy brother".
But debating with people who believe is annoying cause they all end up with the line "well you simply got to believe". Well if it were only that simple. I cant believe in things if all logic says otherwise. In holland a 12 year old girl was raped and murdered. if the mother was floating around;..dont you think her spirit would have helped her? If there is a god, ...why does he let me suffer so much. Heck,..why is the hospital in my town filled with childeren cancer.

But i dont want to debate about religion. But i think the biggest chance is that there is nothing,..absolute nothing just like all lives end on the 100.000.000.000.000.000.000.000 planets the galaxy has. And that scares the sh1t out of me.

But 1 thing i can not deny;..whats the point in living in fear for my own death for the next 40 years (if i may be so lucky to live that long)? But my WD induced anxiety apparently doesnt care about that. I keep being scared. i even got my teddybear in my hands from when i was a boy. Man i am so scared of life.

[lmac]

Originally Posted by Bilo76

I owe you a lot Lmac. You reassurance always helps me.

But i pray that i wont have this 7 months. If i have it to this intensity again (especially with full blown depresion/anxiety/being scared) for another 3 weeks;... Then i will be on paxil again. And i really suspect that 90% of this forum doesnt suffer as you and i do. The annoying thing with being scared about dieing is that it is a real fear. It's not like spiders so i can touch one and say;..ahh it doesnt bite me. I mean I WILL DIE some day. I cant change that. I also wonder a lot why other people arent scared of dieing. i mean IT IS scary. It is the biggest fear in all humanity. I read a lo of scientific books and spiritual books about it. But i think the human brain is designed in such a way that we dont focus on it. "Dieing is something other people do" is a line a famous philosopher once said.
I ask everybody i see now or let my mother ask, if they are afraid for their death. And i always get the same answers "well if i am death i dont feel it do i" or "well i still have many years to go". Its like there brain chemistry is preventing them from feeling the fear for their death. They all do understand the question and know they gonna die,..but they dont feel it. And i so wish i could believe in something. but i am afraid that after death there is simply nothing, darkness,..or not even so...nothing. And i know i cant feel anything then,...but the idea,..pff even writing it makes my nerves burn like crazy.
I also asked my sister today if she is scared,..and she believes that her soul will be free from her body and she will be in space and watching her children. D4mnn i wish i could believe that. but i just have to much of an analytical mind. Hahahaha i asked her all questions like "but how are you gonna see if you eyes are death and in a coffin" and "if you believe you move on to another body at certain point like reincarnation. (she believes that),..then how can there be more bodies in the world today then 10 years ago. We dont have enough souls to fill all the bodies". But she tought she go through the air. Bit like patrick swazey in the movie Ghost. But i asked her why she would be in a humand ghost form...without her body whey would the ghost take on human form. And then i asked her if when she would float in the air with her soul if she also would see the souls of ants and muskitos,..but she said no,..only humans or perhaps large animals. Then i asked her where the line is...a chicken yes and a mouse not. Or yes to a horse but no to a pig? Then she got frustrated, what i could imagine so she left mumbling something about "crazy brother".
But debating with people who believe is annoying cause they all end up with the line "well you simply got to believe". Well if it were only that simple. I cant believe in things if all logic says otherwise. In holland a 12 year old girl was raped and murdered. if the mother was floating around;..dont you think her spirit would have helped her? If there is a god, ...why does he let me suffer so much. Heck,..why is the hospital in my town filled with childeren cancer.

But i dont want to debate about religion. But i think the biggest chance is that there is nothing,..absolute nothing just like all lives end on the 100.000.000.000.000.000.000.000 planets the galaxy has. And that scares the sh1t out of me.

But 1 thing i can not deny;..whats the point in living in fear for my own death for the next 40 years (if i may be so lucky to live that long)? But my WD induced anxiety apparently doesnt care about that. I keep being scared. i even got my teddybear in my hands from when i was a boy. Man i am so scared of life.

Oh Bilo - I sleep with 2 teddy bears. LoL.
I felt so scared for months on end and always compared myself to a 3 year old child. Innocent and scared of the big bad world. Except the big bad world is nowhere but in my mind. It really does lessen. I can't say when but I gurantee it won't be in the next 3 weeks. I do really get your fear. I was so close to reinstating many times. Acute wd stage (from what I've seen here) lasts from 2-3 mnths usually then you really should get windows. Only you can make the best decision yourself, I only urge you to really RI on a low dose. I wouldn't even go to 20 or 30mg of Paxil. You might be surprized and see that even 10mg may help alleviate a lot of symptoms. If you are going into this with the mind frame of stabilizing and then tapering one day again (because we know it won't work forever) then remember this pain now and let that help you decide to RI onto as low of a dose as possible. Then you ccan take the time and properly taper off a SMALL dose.
Some people just analyze more than other and really attach their emotions to their fear. I wonder and have asked people too why they don't fear death. My husband is the exact opposite of me. I don't think he has ever thought about the next day. He lives day to day and never thinks of stuff like that. When I ask him he just "but everyone does, that's just what happens so have a good time while you're here". I think people like you and I fear it because we feel like we need the answer. We will visualize something until we can fully understand it, except death isn't something we'll ever fully understand. I was never fully sure of what I thought happens when you die. It was a strange phenominon when my sister died. Her body seemed like a foriegn body once she died. I could actually feel she was gone and not even in her body. That opened my eyes and I realized yes your spirit definately goes somewhere after death. It doesn't die because the body was there but "she" was totally gone. Its hard to explain but for the first time in my life I realized how great and strong our spirit really is. I also think we fear death because we attach ourself so much to the emotion and really it isn't healthy to be so attached to our emotions. People not afraid can just easily disconnect from the emotion of it. I've read a lot of spiritual books since this ordeal and I really do find it works to just feel your emotions, let them flow and move on. Don't "think" about the emotions. Just feel them. Don't put a story to how you feel. Just feel it and it WILL pass. This way you are also NOT avoiding how you feel (we all know what avoidance can cause).
Have you ever read "the power of now" by Eckhart Toll? Some very interesting philosophies. And he spent the first 30 something yrs of his life in a deep depression. Its an amazing theory and makes SO much sense.
I bet the day you just ACCEPT yourself for who you are, you will change drastically. Life really isn't as complicated so stop trying to figure it out.

[Bilo76]

Thanks lmac,
I will order that book. As far as reinstatement goes....i am giving it another 3 weeks. I wanna have the feeling i gave it my best. And i still have hope that it will be a bit better. And how did you feel when you were in the thick of WD and somebody said that you should just go back on and taper slower?
but most importantly, RI could make it worse.
We will see. For now its 01.52 in the night and my nerves are so burning its like my legs are on fire. Cant sleep like this. So lets put on another tv show in the dvd.

Ohh btw,...its depressing to see on this forum how many people "failed" during WD and reinstated. Especially people that had a mental disorder all their lives. I know of Nickels that made it,..and RangerNY but reading his posts he had less anxiety and he had a very short WD. But sooo many people i found (read posts from 2006-2011) reinstated. The people that make it are often the ones using paxil cause of IBS, Rsi, pms or situational anxiety/depression). i am telling you...not a good trackrecord here.

[Bilo76]

ohh and something else;...i didnt start tapering with paxil because i thought i could stop with it, like you. This whole hell started a year ago when i got my panic attacks back. So paxil wasnt doing its job anymore. Perhaps because i was on a lower dose of 15 mg,..but perhaps because it pooped out on me. So what guarentees do i have now that it will work again for me? Because this all started with panic attacks and big time social anxiety on paxil.
So RI is risky. I just hope i will feel a bit better within 3 weeks. If only a bit. You never know. It's been 7 months now since my CT from paxil and switch to lexapro. And 2 weeks since my taperstop from lexapro. So i am a bit of a weird duckling since its hard to say how far i am in the track. But one needs to have hope.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

Lmac,..did you ever think of using benzos? I am doubting about them. i know i can stop with them rather easily. Only thing is that when a benzo doesnt work anymore after 6-12 hrs the emotions come back with a vengeance. But perhaps its good for me to get 1 evening of peace and rest

[lmac]

Originally Posted by Bilo76

ohh and something else;...i didnt start tapering with paxil because i thought i could stop with it, like you. This whole hell started a year ago when i got my panic attacks back. So paxil wasnt doing its job anymore. Perhaps because i was on a lower dose of 15 mg,..but perhaps because it pooped out on me. So what guarentees do i have now that it will work again for me? Because this all started with panic attacks and big time social anxiety on paxil.
So RI is risky. I just hope i will feel a bit better within 3 weeks. If only a bit. You never know. It's been 7 months now since my CT from paxil and switch to lexapro. And 2 weeks since my taperstop from lexapro. So i am a bit of a weird duckling since its hard to say how far i am in the track. But one needs to have hope.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

Lmac,..did you ever think of using benzos? I am doubting about them. i know i can stop with them rather easily. Only thing is that when a benzo doesnt work anymore after 6-12 hrs the emotions come back with a vengeance. But perhaps its good for me to get 1 evening of peace and rest

I've had Ativan for years. I actually just threw them out the other day. Its been in my purse for years. This bottle was from 2009. Back in 2009 I tapered from paxil over 7 months and used prozac to get off the last 10mg of Paxil. I was completey fine and felt great with NO wd effects for 4 mnths. One day I completely crashed and had a total breakdown (suicide thoughts and everything). This scared me so much because I didn't think I could react 4 mnths post meds so I RI to Paxil. I used benzo's for about 3 weeks (1mf per day) until the paxil kicked in again. Then I tapered the benzos over a couple of weeks just to be cautious because when it wore off after about 4 hours I found that I craved more because the panic came back. Paxil worked like a charm again for about 6 mnths. Then panic and anxiety started. I knew it was poop out because I was also getting brain zaps. My doc stopped paxil right away and switched me to Zoloft. For 4 mnths it didn't work so I decided to get off all meds. I tapered over 5.5 mnths. Although I have wd effects from tapeing, I felt better the lower I got in dose. After my last pill (which was a ct off asmall dose equivelant to 5mg of Paxil). I started feeling very uneasy with all the classic symptoms about 2-3 mnths post med. Hit rock bottom (my worst period) at mnths 4,5,6,7 (mnth 5 and 6 being absolute worst). Last half of 7 I started to now have windows but hours in the day that was less horrible (still bad). After a VERY awful 8 days at beginning of May I hit an amazing window of feeling normal again for 13 days. Been in a wave again for 2 weeks now but not everyday is very bad. Maybe 2 very bad days in the last 2 weeks. I kind of notice a pattern as I slowly got worse until it was so awful and now I'm slowly getting better again. I feel now like I did 2 mnths off meds so hopefully its reversing back to just feeling good and normal again.
YES, I hope and pray you feel even a bit better in the next few weeks. That's all you will need to have hope and see it WILL get better.
I only took 2 ativan (benzo) 0.5mg since this whole ordeal. Both times were in mnth 5. It scared me because each time the depression was much worse the next day so I've stayed off them. I'm afraid to even take headache medicine now. It gave me a panic attack the other day because I had a migraine and took pain medication.

[lmac]

Originally Posted by Bilo76

Thanks lmac,
I will order that book. As far as reinstatement goes....i am giving it another 3 weeks. I wanna have the feeling i gave it my best. And i still have hope that it will be a bit better. And how did you feel when you were in the thick of WD and somebody said that you should just go back on and taper slower?
but most importantly, RI could make it worse.
We will see. For now its 01.52 in the night and my nerves are so burning its like my legs are on fire. Cant sleep like this. So lets put on another tv show in the dvd.

Ohh btw,...its depressing to see on this forum how many people "failed" during WD and reinstated. Especially people that had a mental disorder all their lives. I know of Nickels that made it,..and RangerNY but reading his posts he had less anxiety and he had a very short WD. But sooo many people i found (read posts from 2006-2011) reinstated. The people that make it are often the ones using paxil cause of IBS, Rsi, pms or situational anxiety/depression). i am telling you...not a good trackrecord here.

And don't focus on how many people RI on here. We don't really know their true situation, only what they write about. We can't assume their circumstances either and how healthy they are or keeping away from all stimulants. The best thing on this site is to see we're not alone and we ALL have the same wd symptoms and YES there are people who did it and recovered. Focus on those stories only. Just remember if worse comes to worse you RI on a small dose and SLOW taper. All that have slow tapered have had a much easier time. I also bet a lot of successes just never came back to the boards.

[Bilo76]

hahah i wish i was as positive as you lmac...but again;..RI on a drug that failed me is a long shot. But who knows

I am still very depressed and obsessively thinking of death. If i wasnt this sad i would laugh about it. When i see a person on tv or write here or whatever,..i think what does it matter, you are gonna die anyway. And i am still sooooo scared of death. Asked my grandmother over the phone today if she is afraid of death. She said "offcourse not, i dont mind". She is 88 and doesnt believe in heaven or god or waever. She just doesnt mind. Damnnn how does she do it. But i gotta be honest,..i enver thought about it this much as since i am in WD.

i also still shiver at the idea that i am already 35. i feel liek i am 18 still. So weird. And i keept hinking about all the things i missed and havent done in my life. That is true;..i had a hard life with this much selfdestruction and anxiety. BUT i also had some good stuff. But i can only focus on the bad. Dont know if thats wd or that all my emotions come free after all these years on an AD. My nerves and stomach (that nervy feeling when you are bout to do a presentation times 10) are burning. So much cortisol and adrenalin. Still now at 0.43 in the night i feel like i am in bloiling water and my stomach keeps firing stress shots.

And to end with a positive note. I really cried today. And not leaking like the grinch. I was poring like a 13year old girl watching the mother-scene in bambi.
And 3 times. For first time in many many years. I take it as a good sign.

[lmac]

Originally Posted by Bilo76

hahah i wish i was as positive as you lmac...but again;..RI on a drug that failed me is a long shot. But who knows

I am still very depressed and obsessively thinking of death. If i wasnt this sad i would laugh about it. When i see a person on tv or write here or whatever,..i think what does it matter, you are gonna die anyway. And i am still sooooo scared of death. Asked my grandmother over the phone today if she is afraid of death. She said "offcourse not, i dont mind". She is 88 and doesnt believe in heaven or god or waever. She just doesnt mind. Damnnn how does she do it. But i gotta be honest,..i enver thought about it this much as since i am in WD.

i also still shiver at the idea that i am already 35. i feel liek i am 18 still. So weird. And i keept hinking about all the things i missed and havent done in my life. That is true;..i had a hard life with this much selfdestruction and anxiety. BUT i also had some good stuff. But i can only focus on the bad. Dont know if thats wd or that all my emotions come free after all these years on an AD. My nerves and stomach (that nervy feeling when you are bout to do a presentation times 10) are burning. So much cortisol and adrenalin. Still now at 0.43 in the night i feel like i am in bloiling water and my stomach keeps firing stress shots.

And to end with a positive note. I really cried today. And not leaking like the grinch. I was poring like a 13year old girl watching the mother-scene in bambi.
And 3 times. For first time in many many years. I take it as a good sign.

Well Bilo - that's fantastic. Its great to have a VERY good cry!
I would suggest (if you haven't already) to use a journal these next few weeks. I find its hard to see improvements during this nightmare but when I look back in my journal and my daily ratings, I can see the improvements. Its imparative for you to see the improvements if you're considering RI.
ALL what you just said about the death thoughts and doom/gloom, TRUST me, its wd. Yes, we may have always feared death but most definately not like this. It WILL go away. Unfortunately it willl take time but you will notice it eventually lessoning over time, it will become more barable until you realize you can go hours without thinking these crazy thoughts and then days!!

[Bilo76]

Are you now in my journal suggesting i should write a journal?? Gehehe

[julieannboo]

Bilo. why did you cold turkey after 14 years on paxil? Advice from docs or you just wanted off of paxil? X

[lmac]

Originally Posted by Bilo76

Are you now in my journal suggesting i should write a journal?? Gehehe

haha. No, I meant a separate journal on paper. Perhaps a daily rating system (I use one btwn 1-5 each day). Helps see the big picture.

[Bilo76]

Originally Posted by julieannboo

Bilo. why did you cold turkey after 14 years on paxil? Advice from docs or you just wanted off of paxil? X

I started to get a lot of anxiety and panic again. Like paxil didnt work for me no more. Doc suggested a CT switch to lexapro saying it will be a better med for me and that a switch between ssris can be immediate. Well it cant after this many years on paxil.