I needed a therapist, not a pill

[iwantpeace]

Well, I've finally decided to start a journal here. It's been a long time coming and I think I need to document my experiences. Good and Bad. That way, on the bad days I have somewhere to come and remember the good ones, and on the good days I have somewhere to write down my accomplishments.

My Story:

I think i've had 'higher than normal' levels of anxiety all my life - but never to the point of disfunction. When I was 19 (I still have a hard time saying this, let alone writing it) I was assaulted. After the assault and visiting with the crown prosecutor and seeing what the next year of my life would be if I were to press charges, I opted not to. The CP still pulled the perpetrator in and warned him to stay away from me under all circumstances. Of course, this sick and twisted individual didn't listen and harassed me a lot. Phone calls, egging my house in the middle of the night, etc. It was a very difficult time. That's when I experienced my first panic attack. After a few panic attacks my mom brought me to a GP who gave me Paxil. Hindsight is 20/20, and I realize now that what I needed was a good therapist and not a pill. That was in 2001. I didn't know any better.

Fast forward 10 years and i've all of a sudden gone from a healthy 19 year old to someone diagnosed with Fibromyalgia/CFS, IBS, Chronic infections, arthritis - the list goes on. In those years I also accomplished a lot. I graduated university at the top of my class, worked abroad for over 5 years. Travelled. I did all this never realizing that this drug that I was taking daily was contributing to the steady decline in my health.

I won't go into the past 15months in much detail, mostly because i'd end up writing a novel - but after one attempt to come off paxil too quickly (thanks doc)/ a 'nervous breakdown' or whatever you want to call it (doctor told me I had a brain hemmorage when I didn't - coupled with paxil withdrawal, not pretty) and a switch to Zoloft, I feel i'm in a place where I can open up and start documenting my experience. My aim is to 100% be drug free at some point. It's taken me a long time to realize that I wasn't mentally ill when I started Paxil, I was a scared girl who needed a therapist, not a pill.

I hope, in time, that I can share my story and use my experiences to help and educate others.

I believe I have grown so much as a person in this past year (with the help of a great CBT therapist and a wonderful psychiatrist who supports whatever decisions I make). I am starting to realize now that I am in control - regardless of if it's in the midst of a panic or on a good day. I am in control. I'm learning to medidate, and observe my symptoms in a non-judgmental way. I'm learning to love and trust myself.

I'm 15 weeks off Paxhell and though i'm on 50mg of Zoloft, it has not spared me the hell that is coming off that drug after almost 11 years. I am prepared for the good days and the bad ones. I am prepared to be gentle on myself. I'm prepared to let go of my 'type A' over-achieving personality and let time take over.

I'm looking forward to sharing my journey with all of you wonderful people here at PP.

xx
Iwantpeace.....
aka. Lauren.

[lotusflower]

Hi Lauren,

Thanks for sharing your story here. Wow, you have survived so much...being a victim of assault must have been horrifying, so sorry that it happened to you.
Amazing, what you have accomplished in your life....congratulations!
You will do just fine in your taper, too, if you keep it nice and slowwwww.
Cheering you on, joannexo

[Goosey]

Hi Lauren!!

You are well on your way to your goal of being 100% drug-free and I so admire all your accomplishments while enduring so much. Just being able to journal about your experiences show that you have come a long way. Keep up the great work and I'll be following your journal.

[iwantpeace]

Thanks Lotus and Goosey

Well, it's been a while since I wrote that journal post. I go back and forth as to whether or not visiting this site so often is good for me or not. I find ALL of you so incredibly courageous. Courage I could only wish to have myself. But at the same time, sometimes I get quite scared reading peoples posts.

I have started reading 'full catastrophe living' and so far so good. It's funny, I mentioned to my mother that I had ordered the book for my kindle and she was like 'I HAVE THAT BOOK, IT'S AUTOGRAPHED TO YOU! I SAW THE AUTHOR WHEN HE SPOKE HERE AND HAD HIM SIGN IT FOR YOU'.....this was YEARS and YEARS ago, just funny that the book is sitting at her house.

I think my biggest fear/worry is that this is 'forever'. That I have some sort of mental illness that will only get worse. I know I have no evidence to support this, but that is the nature of my beast.

I KNOW how GOOD life can be. How amazing the feel of the warm caribbean can be, the fun of flying, the excitement of a trip somewhere new, etc. I miss all of that. I want all of that back.....I guess anything worth having is worth fighting for...so this is my fight. I hope that I can find the courage deep down to get to where I want to be.