6 months off Update (or closer to 8)

[miriza]

5/29/2012 - 6 months off
(But really closer to 8 months off since I tapered off from a teeny tiny 5% dose to 0 over a 2 month period)

Well, it seems like healing is going to take a long time unfortunately, which doesn't surprise me since I've been so poly-drugged. I'm not going to list all my symptoms and which ones have gone away because honestly they don't go away, the symptoms just rotate. They leave me for a while and come back.

I don't have much in the ways of windows, there is always at least a couple of symptoms around. Intrusive/irrational thoughts/images are my constant companion. They are not even conscious thoughts because I start getting them even when I'm half asleep and continue into my nightmares. They are very scary and don't reflect the old me at all.

Like I said, I have no clear windows, but I've found that when I'm really distracted the symptoms seem to recede more into the background. It's when I'm alone and my mind is free to ruminate that I end up feeling worse. I seem to fall into these trance-like states (I guess it's DR) and together with the intrusive thoughts they really scare me. I feel better around people, but only around certain people. Too many people or people I don't know well, scare me...it's kind of a paranoia...Eye contact (even from those I love) almost makes me want to jump screaming out of the house.

Every morning when I wake up I get this mix of feelings that is so unnatural. I can't even tell until a while later what my main symptoms are for the day. It's sometimes a blend of anger, possessed feeling, depression, terror, dread, anxiety. It's like a slot machine--every morning feels different. Depending on which feeling(s) dominates is how I feel. The feeling is sooo unnatural, so chemical and fake...just disgusting. That's the only way to describe it DISGUSTING!

My worst symptoms are akathisia (which I've had on/off throughout this process), rage, intrusive thoughts and contradictory thoughts/feelings. I sometimes get the opposite emotional response to the things/people I like/love the most. I can feel dread, fear, anger, etc. I rarely feel joy/love, but when I do, it's like heaven...but it just doesn't stick.

I have gone from being terrorized of everything to being afraid of my own mind...it is so irrational and dark nowadays. Does this darkness leave? I do not feel like myself; I truly feel possessed sometimes...and I just do not see how I am going to get out of this state of mind...So for now, living one day and sometimes even one minute at a time I can't wait to turn that corner that many people talk about.

I am thankful though for the odd physical symptom showing up here and there (and for my messed up menstrual cycle) because they remind me it's all w/d and not me.

My only wish is that I can once again feel love for my family consistently...I can handle the other symptoms, but not this. I want my naive, loving, sweet, caring self back and the monster back in its cage! Please tells me that this gets better...I'm starting to doubt it...

[julleri]

Originally Posted by miriza

5/29/2012 - 6 months off
(But really closer to 8 months off since I tapered off from a teeny tiny 5% dose to 0 over a 2 month period)

Well, it seems like healing is going to take a long time unfortunately, which doesn't surprise me since I've been so poly-drugged. I'm not going to list all my symptoms and which ones have gone away because honestly they don't go away, the symptoms just rotate. They leave me for a while and come back.

I don't have much in the ways of windows, there is always at least a couple of symptoms around. Intrusive/irrational thoughts/images are my constant companion. They are not even conscious thoughts because I start getting them even when I'm half asleep and continue into my nightmares. They are very scary and don't reflect the old me at all.

Like I said, I have no clear windows, but I've found that when I'm really distracted the symptoms seem to recede more into the background. It's when I'm alone and my mind is free to ruminate that I end up feeling worse. I seem to fall into these trance-like states (I guess it's DR) and together with the intrusive thoughts they really scare me. I feel better around people, but only around certain people. Too many people or people I don't know well, scare me...it's kind of a paranoia...Eye contact (even from those I love) almost makes me want to jump screaming out of the house.

Every morning when I wake up I get this mix of feelings that is so unnatural. I can't even tell until a while later what my main symptoms are for the day. It's sometimes a blend of anger, possessed feeling, depression, terror, dread, anxiety. It's like a slot machine--every morning feels different. Depending on which feeling(s) dominates is how I feel. The feeling is sooo unnatural, so chemical and fake...just disgusting. That's the only way to describe it DISGUSTING!

My worst symptoms are akathisia (which I've had on/off throughout this process), rage, intrusive thoughts and contradictory thoughts/feelings. I sometimes get the opposite emotional response to the things/people I like/love the most. I can feel dread, fear, anger, etc. I rarely feel joy/love, but when I do, it's like heaven...but it just doesn't stick.

I have gone from being terrorized of everything to being afraid of my own mind...it is so irrational and dark nowadays. Does this darkness leave? I do not feel like myself; I truly feel possessed sometimes...and I just do not see how I am going to get out of this state of mind...So for now, living one day and sometimes even one minute at a time I can't wait to turn that corner that many people talk about.

I am thankful though for the odd physical symptom showing up here and there (and for my messed up menstrual cycle) because they remind me it's all w/d and not me.

My only wish is that I can once again feel love for my family consistently...I can handle the other symptoms, but not this. I want my naive, loving, sweet, caring self back and the monster back in its cage! Please tells me that this gets better...I'm starting to doubt it...

Hey Miriza,

I was thinking about you after I read this thread last night while waiting for my therapist. Gosh I feel like I'm going through the majority of the things you're going through. Like you, I feel like I'm "possessed." I go through "trance-like states" of consciousness. I also don't really know how I'm going to be for the day, sometimes hour or hours. It just depends on what symptoms come up. I can't think and feel like I've lost my brain. But then... it comes back to me, and I feel a little better. I wouldn't call them windows as sometimes when my head clears and I feel more "in control" of my mind and brain, I still have other physical or sometimes even other psychological symptoms. And then it fades away and I'm "possessed" and "in a trance" again.

Unlike you, I don't want these physical symptoms. It is the physical stuff that makes me think I might have something else. And maybe I do, and I'm ignoring it because it's withdrawal, and that's what scares me.

My mental status has been scaring me, though. Memory going, feel like I am "possessed." Very scary mood swings. It's terrible. I know exactly how you feel. Oh and I get DR/DP too. (I worry that this mental stuff will get so bad that I'll end up on the streets acting like some people do...)

I just wanted to reply and say I am thinking about you. Wish I could have more positives to offer but I am very much in the thick of this right now.

Jason