what do i do

[cipher0413]

i'm teary every night don't know if i want to fight anymore. i wish if god exists god should just take me, it would be a kinder thing.

[miriza]

Hi cipher, you're so brave...I'm at 8 months out and think the same all the time...like right now...

I have two beautiful little kids that I just can't leave alone on this planet...they need a mommy...that's why I'm surviving this...

[LCrawford67]

You keep fighting, because that's what we all do in life. I remember being at my absolute worse in w/d, sicker than I could have ever imagined in my worst nightmare. I was curled up on the bathroom floor praying for God to take me, but he didn't and I made it through that day and the days that followed, until I made it to where I am now. And along the way, I discovered that there are far worse things in life that people endure, than withdrawal.

We fight because we have family, friends, pets, neighbors, jobs, etc. that all need us. We fight because that's what humans do in life. Every day is a struggle for some, and every one of us struggle at one time or another.

There are always options - you can either continue the fight and find other ways of dealing with whatever you're experiencing now; regardless of the cause. Or, you can find a doctor who will give you the right medication again, so you don't have to fight anymore. God coming down here and taking you, as I found out, is not an option and I'm very grateful to Him for that.

[Bilo76]

Well at least you have your emotions back

(i know that's a glass half full statement but perhaps now you can process the emotions of the past year)

[Norma]

Originally Posted by cipher0413

i'm teary every night don't know if i want to fight anymore. i wish if god exists god should just take me, it would be a kinder thing.

I can so relate to you. I can't make things any better for either of us, but I hope it helps a little bit to know you are not the only one that feels like this.

I am a Christian so I keep reminding myself of a few words in the Bible... "This to shall pass". I have had a lot of rough patches over the last 12 years, but no matter how rough, sooner or later they all passed. I definately need to think about this right now.

[Kilpleztim]

I think we all have this same thought pattern going through our brains at one time or another. This is just one Gigantic test that every poor living soul has to go through. Buddhist philosophy teaches that the harder our lifes are the better the reward will be in the next life or if you are lucky enough to make it to Nirvana. I believe we are all reincarnated, but if you kill yourself your next life will be much worse. Strive to make it one day at a time. Thats all we can expect ourselves to do in the state of mind we are all in...
One day at a time...

[Bruno2006]

I hate days like that. It helps to eat good food and rest. Your body needs to heal.
Perhaps if you cannot handle the pain, you can do some acupuncture which does help. Just make sure to tell them that your have antidepressant withdrawal syndrome so they do not give you a bunch of herbs (not necessarily bad because they helped me but its good to be cautious as your nervous system is very sensitive).
I have also found that it helps a lot when you cry as it releases built up negative energy so look forward to crying.
Lastly, if you have the energy, go to a Buddhist temple, a church, or whatever and get in touch with the spiritual world as this can bring you much comfort.

[Norma]

Originally Posted by Bruno2006

Lastly, if you have the energy, go to a Buddhist temple, a church, or whatever and get in touch with the spiritual world as this can bring you much comfort.

While life has been extremely difficult at times, I have survived this long because of my Christian faith. Its knowing how displeased God would be with me if I commited suicide that kept me from doing it when at my worst.

So I agree that if you are a person of faith, grab hold of that faith with both hands and hang on tight.

[Bilo76]

I wish i had more faith in god. Would cure my insane amount of fear for my death. But i was in the hospital this week and one walk at the childerens cancer departement to doubt his existence.

[Kilpleztim]

I stopped believing in god when my mom past away 2 1/2 years ago. I change my whole philosophy on religion and life. First thing to go was the Christian rhetoric and a belief in a Santa Clausesish Deity. After I did alot of research I found out that the whole Christian idea was stolen from many other pagan religions and they were at it for control only . Second I stopped praying to a god that didn't believe in me . I found that Buddhism taught the same ideas without all the blame and hypocrisies. I find that life without the presence of a so called GOD was a much better life. I don't worry about going to hell anymore or that I'm a sinner . Hell we are human which means inherently we are all evil and sinners. I don't worship the Buddha or His Holiness The Dali Lama. I don't hate the Christians for what they did to me either. Hate is a wasted emotion and am learning to let things go.
Believe me when I say tings will get better. Just need lots of time for your brain to repair. I know I do...

[Bilo76]

I wonder who is going to be right. The christians, muslims, jews, boedhists, scientology church etc etc. They cant all be right.

I drove to a church nearby today. I used to enjoy the talk to god even if i doubted he exist. Or i could enjoy the beauty of the church. Was looking for some guidance again today, but all i could see was the gold the christians killed the mores for and all the priests that herrass 4-year old boys. Is that the same with you guys in the USA? Seriously not a month goes by here the last few years or another schandal turns up. Last week again. Three older priests had raped 100s of young boys. Seriously;..every month.
I am not one to debat religion, this is not the place. But the catholic church is losing credibility FAST

[Norma]

The catholic church has done some bad things. Please do no group all Christians into one catagory with the Catholics. No church is perfect but there are many with better records than the catholic church.

Maybe instead of saying "Christian" I should specify Baptist?

[Bruno2006]

Originally Posted by Bilo76

I wonder who is going to be right. The christians, muslims, jews, boedhists, scientology church etc etc. They cant all be right.

I drove to a church nearby today. I used to enjoy the talk to god even if i doubted he exist. Or i could enjoy the beauty of the church. Was looking for some guidance again today, but all i could see was the gold the christians killed the mores for and all the priests that herrass 4-year old boys. Is that the same with you guys in the USA? Seriously not a month goes by here the last few years or another schandal turns up. Last week again. Three older priests had raped 100s of young boys. Seriously;..every month.
I am not one to debat religion, this is not the place. But the catholic church is losing credibility FAST

Its not about being "right", rather its about finding something higher to connect with. We all know the brutality done by various religions (one reason why I prefer my Buddhist monk friends), but you need to look past that and understand that its about spirituality, finding something of higher conscience that you can connect with. People have so many ways of doing this and it could be that, one way or another, they are all the same thing (quantum physics?).

[audrealjade]

Continue to remind yourself that withdrawal is not the true you. I know it doesn't feel that way but hold onto that fact because that is the reality of he situation. And it will pass and you will be able to enjoy all the beautiful things in life again.
I try to imagine myself as a warrior fighting the biggest transforming battle of my life. Don't give up because there is such a beautiful life waiting for you.

[LCrawford67]

Two things:

1. Don't hijack this thread and turn it in to a religious debate.

2. Don't insult other's beliefs, just because they don't jibe with yours.

Let's get back on topic and offer the OP the support she's seeking.

[Bilo76]

I already kinda had a feeling i was hijacking the thread

Sorry. Its just that its on my mind a lot lately.

on topic again:

Why dont you reinstate? You were on the drugs for 14 months and now you are still in hell 16 months later. Why not end the suffering and get back on it? Just 5 mg or so, And then stabilize and do a slow taper

[scotty]

Originally Posted by Bilo76

Why dont you reinstate? You were on the drugs for 14 months and now you are still in hell 16 months later. Why not end the suffering and get back on it? Just 5 mg or so, And then stabilize and do a slow taper

Again...you can't say this as fact.

[Kay2020]

I see this was moderated, thank you, the first few posts reflecting Christians in a horrible light was offensive to me.

[nicole55]

Are you feeling emotions now? sad? I only ask because of your signature in April , and I was thinking it may be a good sign in a weird way. But I don't know your whole history so..


I did not ever do a cold turkey, so I don't know what that is like. But I have felt unrelenting anxiety. It's hard to know what to do , try. I just wanted to say that I hope you hang in there and keep trying things. Of course if meds helped you before there is always that option, but I don't know your story of why you stopped the meds in the first place.

This is so repetitive, but I have to say it, have you tried therapy, exercise. If you have just ignore this advice. And if you haven't please do, or consider starting it back up. I do believe there will be better days ahead for you. It really does take forever sometimes and seems like it will never come. But it does, it really does.

[aberdeen]

Awwww this sucks doesn't it? I wasd thinking too that if you're crying that's a good sign if you were apathetic before. I haven't cried in over a year, not a tear. It's really really strange and weird, and I don't like it. I just have no emotions. I know how hard it is, my months right after a rapid taper of Effexor were hell on earth, add to the mix a shuffling of 3 other SSRI's and I was a mess, I wanted to die all the time. I would see old people and feel a panic inside me because I wasn't as old as they were, and if THEY were still living then it meant that I might potentially have decades of living left and the thought was so upsetting because I just wanted to die so much. I wish I could give you advice, but I honestly don't even know what I did, somehow the days just passed all on their own. You will get better, this will stop.

[Bilo76]

Originally Posted by scotty

Again...you can't say this as fact.

What cant i say as a fact? Cause i am repeating the ts. He is suffering. Also the 14 and 16 months i got from his signature. He did a cold turkey stop. So i am asking if he considered a RI and a slow wean. Seems like a fair question.

[Bilo76]

Ahhh i thought about it and i understand what you mean now. I cant say as a fact that reinstating will end his suffering.
Indeed, these meds can go every way. It might also make you worse. All we can do is offer options and guess whats the best path based on experience.
So let me put it more in a question, a ct often takes much more time to heal. Might it be a smart idea to reinstate and do a slow taper, cipher

[TryingtoGetWell]

Cipher, I'm so sorry you're still having a hard time.

I tapered so fast it was considered a "virtual cold-turkey" here, and it took me more than 16 months to feel like my real (happy) self again.

As Bilo pointed out, reinstating to do a slow taper may or may not work. One factor in when we sometimes advise this (other than when someone has just recently cold-turkey or finished a too-fast taper) is when a person feels that they might act on suicidal thoughts.

I'm concerned about you. Please tell us if that's the case with you. Believe me, those of us who went off these meds too fast understand.

If you feel like you might harm yourself, please, please get help immediately and make sure you're not alone at any time. Keep checking in with us. We care - very much!

[axis74]

Cipher im so sorry to hear about you, im in the same boat as you and i think we c/t about the same too actually. If you ever wanna talk or just need someone to listen to you and relate message me id be happy to talk. And Trying to get well, im just wondering you say that you didnt start feeling better until after the 16 months im just wondering how long it actually did take you to feel like yourself again, im just curious because im at about 20 months and still not at all feeling like myself i think i may have had an extra difficult c/t but i dont know im starting to think that im in this for the long haul and might be one of those people that has this for 5 yrs if not more gettting a little worried here any advice would be REAlly apprecciated

[cipher0413]

Dear everyone of you... Thank you for all your comments. I'm sorry I am replying so late, I have been neglecting a little.

I realize I may have worried you guys, but some days I feel worse, sometimes less worse (I won't say better...)

Miriza, yeap. I don't think I can kill myself as, it is not just an act of killing myself but killing my whole family. I hope you are better these days. LCrawford, yes, I do agree that for some people on this planet they have to endure far worse things, some things far worse even when compared to withdrawal... I only wish people suffering will find relief. I thank you for your kind words. Bilo76, thanks for your comments, but I don't really have emotions much yet... brain numbness, deadness, blunted, whatever you call it... but I do realize I do get teary.. I hope things are better for you now. Hi Norma, yes, I do hope that this will all pass too. Things do pass, it is for certain, and I really hope this state of mind passes too and I can find myself again. I wish you the same thing for you. Kilpleztim, I used to be intrigued in buddhist philosophy too. I do wish the more I have suffered, I will be rewarded in the next life, but, I don't know if I can believe that. I wish it were true, because it would mean, if I were born again, it would be a better life. But now, it makes me think, does that mean I suffered more than I do now in my past life? haha. I wish things are better for you now. Bruno2006, I really appreciate your advice. Yes, I actually take chinese herbal medicine right now. I think in ways, it has helped me. Again thanks for your kind advice. I do agree that being in touch with your spirituality is an integral part of life. audrealjade, thank you for your comment. I do think we're really strong and courageous in many ways, all the people going through wd, waiting and being patient to get back our lives and selves back. If we aren't warriors, who are? I wish things are better for you now. nicole55, yep yep, I really do need to exercise. Thank you for the advice. I am really going to get a gym membership very soon. Again thanks, and hope things are better for you now. aberdeen! Hope you are well. I know, it is strange... I am apathetic, numbed out, blunted, brain dead, however, I can be teary, I can cry. But it is like a hollow cry, hollow tear... TTGW, thank you. I don't have intentions to reinstate... I have made much progress to go back, and also too far out to think reinstating will work. Thank you for your kind words, and I do not have suicidal tendencies, maybe ideations, (joking), but nope, I can't kill my whole family (as killing myself would be an act of killing my whole family). Thanks again. axis74...! Yes we did cold-turkey at about the same period eh? I am now about 18 months out... Things are better, I do see improvement in about a month's span. But just like you,,, my main concern is the apathy, the brain numbness and not feeling like myself. I have the same worries as you do. I wish things are better for you now than before.

Take care all.

xoxo
mj