Has Anyone Come Back from Being Totally Annhilated?

[anhedonica]

Right now I feel completely GONE, and I am praying and hoping that my "self" will come BACK.

I am going to start weaning OFF meds soon. Here is my history:

I've been taking lithium since March (had a manic episode). I was on Haldol for 3 weeks in March. Did well on lithium alone for March, April, and most of May. Then I started not sleeping (3-5 hrs a night), and felt cognitively impaired. Felt more and more blank and like I was losing my personality and my emotions. I took doxepin and trazadone for sleep a few nights, and felt very weird/ill/confused afterwards.

Then I had a couple of nights of no sleep at all, and felt like my brain was rearranging itself into something new-- lots of pacing, blankness, feelings of detachment.

My pdoc diagnosed depression and I've also been taking prozac for the last two weeks. Doesn't seem to be helping.

Now these are missing: my

personality
emotions
directedness
vision of the future
intellect
feelings
autonomy
independence


Is my brain damaged?? Has anyone else recovered from something like this? I feel like my soul is missing-- my spirit-- what makes me ME. I look in the mirror and say, "Are you still there? Where are you???"

Does this experience sound familiar to anyone?

[texgirl]

Originally Posted by anhedonica

Is my brain damaged??

No.

Originally Posted by anhedonica

Has anyone else recovered from something like this?

Yes.

Originally Posted by anhedonica

Does this experience sound familiar to anyone?

Yes.

It's not surprising that you would feel this way, given the multiple drugs you've been on and their known side effects.

What was your history before the manic episode in March for which you were prescribed Lithium? Had you been medicated before? Had you been given a diagnosis prior to being put on any medication?

[anhedonica]

To answer your questions, texgirl:
I had an SSRI-induced manic episode 12 years ago. I was diagnosed bipolar at the time.

Last year I had a mess of a time with insomnia, benzos, sleeping pills, lithium, and an SSRI, and emerged med-free and victorious a few months later. Then the manic episode happened about six months after that (I imagine it was partly triggered by taking an SSRI last fall, even though there was a big gap of time between the two events).

When you say "Yes" to "recovery from something similar?", can you be specific? I feel like a different person is in my body-- a blank and dependent spirit looking out of my eyes. It feels like my brain has shifted into a new state-- it doesn't feel "fuzzy" or "buzzing"-- but my thoughts and feelings are gone.

[texgirl]

Originally Posted by anhedonica

When you say "Yes" to "recovery from something similar?", can you be specific? I feel like a different person is in my body-- a blank and dependent spirit looking out of my eyes. It feels like my brain has shifted into a new state-- it doesn't feel "fuzzy" or "buzzing"-- but my thoughts and feelings are gone.

By "recovery from something similar," I meant that diagnoses of "mental illness" actually caused by psychotropic drugs (presumably prescribed to treat said mental illness) are pretty common here. I am one who was diagnosed as bipolar years ago and put on multiple drugs to try to "correct" that. Nothing helped; in fact, I continued to get worse. But once all drugs were removed and I started doing talk and cognitive behavioral therapy, the "bipolar" disappeared.

[miriza]

The manic episode 6 months off meds was probably from withdrawal...many people have delayed withdrawals...

[anhedonica]

Yes, I agree.

But it's what I'm experiencing now that is so alarming. Is *this* something people have recovered from: feeling like a *different person* is looking through their eyes?

I specifically remember have a couple of nights of no sleep, taking doxepin, waking up and feeling confused, and then a couple of days later feeling like my brain had just SHIFTED into some other state. I'm missing my old personality, emotions, my feelings, my sense of direction, my feeling of independence and selfhood.

I feel like my brain is filled with helium. Very light-headed, unable to think complex or deep thoughts.

I don't know what to do and am looking for some encouragement that someone else has gone through this and come out with the original self intact.

[jheaney1]

Many people come here at the point in withdrawal when they feel like their well being, perhaps even their lives, are in danger. Some of the stories here describe the absolute wreckage that SSRI can leave in their wake. It's hard to imagine when you're at the low point, but you can recover from this. Hang in there.

[aberdeen]

Yes totally feeling disconnected from your true self and even surroundings, it's called depersonalisation and derealization. Very common symptoms for drug withdrawal and drug reactions, and it's temporary! I've had it off and on during my troubles with meds, it passes, and doesn't cause brain damage. It's awful though.

[Kay2020]

There are plenty of people whom fully recovered WD is scary and painful but you have to remember this is your brain chemistry and when you alter the brain and then start taking away the drug the chemistry starts to go back to your base and that takes time. Even though you feel things such as terror, or fear or depression and physical pain, it is not you it is withdrawal. Everyone is different some people bounce back faster and some people take longer.

I feel sad when I see posts from people that think WD is who they are and that they are doomed or that the symptoms is who they really are .. I get sad because I know that it is not true.

It is hard thing to go through but it is not you and if people keep linking themselves to their symptoms I think it actually makes it harder on them.

You have to hang on to the truth that this is withdrawal and that you will heal. If you keep fearing that it is you, you will keep conditioning your mind to believe this.

I have come across so many posts that lean this way. If I post a positive reply I get no responses.

[texgirl]

I don't think anyone should ever accept a diagnosis of mental illness that only appeared after he or she was put on medication. If bipolar symptoms didn't exist before meds were introduced, then you remove (slowly) the meds and see if the condition truly exists. Likewise, I don't think anyone should ever accept the concept of "permanent damage" until all meds are out of the picture. You've been on and off multiple meds and are still (if your signature is correct) on lithium (and maybe Prozac?). Of course you don't feel like yourself--your brain chemistry is in chaos. I would never advise anyone to go off meds without a lot of information gathering and soul searching, but at the same time, if you're suffering, you might need to examine your situation from all sides and weigh whether (a) the diagnosis might be faulty and (b) you're suffering more because of medication than you are being helped by it.

[anhedonica]

Ok yes d/p and d/r are both very present for me. And also an inability to sleep more than four or five hours a night. I also feel really slow cognitively and also feel unable to conceive of having my old life back- my independence and spark. The inner voice and dialogue I'm used to is gone. I am so grateful to those who assure me this is temporary. I haven't started withdrawing yet, so these symptoms must be some combination of drug interactions and sleep deprivation

Does that sound familiar or reasonable? I'm not able to converse normally with my friends bc my brain is not working like it did!!!

[scotty]

Originally Posted by texgirl

You've been on and off multiple meds and are still (if your signature is correct) on lithium (and maybe Prozac?). Of course you don't feel like yourself--your brain chemistry is in chaos. I would never advise anyone to go off meds without a lot of information gathering and soul searching, but at the same time, if you're suffering, you might need to examine your situation from all sides and weigh whether (a) the diagnosis might be faulty and (b) you're suffering more because of medication than you are being helped by it.

What your experiencing are classic complaints about Lithium. Then adding prozac creates more problems. This isn't a withdrawal scenario, this is a drug side effect scenario.

A few posts from other sites about Lithium:
"legs felt very heavy, came home from work and went to sleep often until the next morning. difficulty concentrating, not sharp or quick at all, no creative energy. really just wanted to sleep all the time."

"I did feel a dulling to my consciousness and loss of energy. i started taking lithium again after a year hiatus."

"my face is numb. sometimes i cant sleep. i feel like i cant really do anything. I cant even think straight. my body feel tired. i have to keep my hands moving. i stare for hour at nothing. i cant drive somethings."

"Hand tremors, numb feet, memory loss, slurred speech, feeling like I can't express my feelings (being walled out), anxiety, headaches. weakness, occasional emotional numbness, lack of balance"

[aberdeen]

Originally Posted by anhedonica

Ok yes d/p and d/r are both very present for me. And also an inability to sleep more than four or five hours a night. I also feel really slow cognitively and also feel unable to conceive of having my old life back- my independence and spark. The inner voice and dialogue I'm used to is gone. I am so grateful to those who assure me this is temporary. I haven't started withdrawing yet, so these symptoms must be some combination of drug interactions and sleep deprivation

Does that sound familiar or reasonable? I'm not able to converse normally with my friends bc my brain is not working like it did!!!

I felt EXACTLY this way, combined with very intense anxiety symptoms. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown, and that I'd lost the very essence of ME. It was horrible. I was still on Effexor at this point. It was my Dr who told me that the drug was causing the problems, I'm so grateful he did. However, he pulled me off too fast and those same symptoms intensified and then lingered for months. I have had the symptoms go away for months and then come back again. Each time this happens it's milder. Believe me though- when the symptoms go away, I am totally 100% me again and it is heavenly!! It doesn't cause damage, and the person that is you is still in there, don't worry. That person will be there when you get through this, and you will get through this.

[anhedonica]

Oh my thank you thank you for the reassurance that these intensely out-of-my usual-mind-and-body experiences are familiar.

My family (i'm staying with my parents now) don't understand and keep saying, "You seem like your normal self" and "What do you mean you have no memory? You just remembered x,y,z." I can't convey how not-myself I feel right now-- like my spirit and soul and inner self are missing.

Thank you so much for telling me that I'm still going to be in there afterwards... even after all this... the self will still be there.... there are other sites where people talk about "never being themselves again" and I can't abide by that thought. I can't stay like this... I have no internal compass, no direction, no feelings, no concept of myself in time or space....

If anyone else can relate and has RECOVERED that story will be very very much appreciated...

[anhedonica]

Scotty, to answer your post, yes, slowness and difficulty concentrating are symptoms of lithium use. And for 3 months I used it with no problem-- just a bit of dulling and slowing, but I still was *myself* inside... same ideas, thoughts, direction, sense of self.

Now, over June and July, and lots of sleep deprivation, and trazodone and doxepin tried on occasion, I feel not like myself at all. Like a different person is looking out of my eyes-- it's different from just the "lithiiumizing effect"-- which is slowing and dulling... but not annhilating. Does that make sense? This is why I'm scared.

[aberdeen]

Originally Posted by anhedonica

Oh my thank you thank you for the reassurance that these intensely out-of-my usual-mind-and-body experiences are familiar.

My family (i'm staying with my parents now) don't understand and keep saying, "You seem like your normal self" and "What do you mean you have no memory? You just remembered x,y,z." I can't convey how not-myself I feel right now-- like my spirit and soul and inner self are missing.

Thank you so much for telling me that I'm still going to be in there afterwards... even after all this... the self will still be there.... there are other sites where people talk about "never being themselves again" and I can't abide by that thought. I can't stay like this... I have no internal compass, no direction, no feelings, no concept of myself in time or space....

If anyone else can relate and has RECOVERED that story will be very very much appreciated...

My family says the same thing. They just don't get it and describing it actually sounds crazy. It's VERY hard to describe. As a child I used to get a mild version of it when I was really anxious, or if I woke from a nap sometimes. (NOTHING like the w/d version thank God) and the way I would describe it as a child was "homesick in my own home" or "nothing feels normal". I felt like I just wanted to go home so bad, but it was utterly disturbing because I already *was* home. My mom must have thought I was nuts. I discovered it was called derealization during w/d and since then it doesn't scare me as much.

[texgirl]

Insomia is probably the #1 most common withdrawal complaint. Bottom line, if you continue to throw meds at it, you're going to continue to have cognitive and emotional disconnect from those meds, along with w/d symptoms from the original drug. There are many ways you can deal with sleeplessness that don't involve chemically altering your brain: exercise, diet, breath work, meditation, guided imagery. There's a sticky in the Health Challenges section of the forum called Coping with Sleep Challenges that has lots of suggestions.

[scotty]

Originally Posted by anhedonica

trazodone and doxepin tried on occasion

And now Prozac? Bottom line is all of these drugs will create cognitive changes, dulling, numbing etc...that's what they are designed to do. Now do them in combination and you are getting the effect that they are designed to provide multiplied by 4.

[Junior]

Originally Posted by texgirl

I don't think anyone should ever accept a diagnosis of mental illness that only appeared after he or she was put on medication.

Couldn't agree more. Medication is NOT going to "uncover" a disorder. If anything it will mask it.

Of interest, in the DSM criteria, no mental illness should be diagnosed if the symptoms could be better accounted for by other illness, medication, etc. Funny how many doctors choose to ignore this directive.

[jr1985]

Originally Posted by Junior

Couldn't agree more. Medication is NOT going to "uncover" a disorder. If anything it will mask it.

Of interest, in the DSM criteria, no mental illness should be diagnosed if the symptoms could be better accounted for by other illness, medication, etc. Funny how many doctors choose to ignore this directive.

It's silly isn't it. If I took arsenic would it uncover that I was dead all along? lol (I can't take credit for that, I read it elsewhere).

[sab2012]

I probably was worse than you...

I am honestly one of those,who couldnt wake up from the bed...crippled with anxiety and depression.

I was scared to look at myself in the mirror and didnt know what is going in the world..etc

Today,i am back,but have weight gain issues and still miss the vision for future.

I am hopeful it will be resolved with time.

[texgirl]

I think it’s really important to remind people that anxiety and depression, in and of themselves, are not what keeps someone physically housebound or bedridden. It’s your emotional fears, manifesting themselves physically, that make it feel impossible to get up and get out of bed. If you have the use of your legs and your heart is beating, then you can get up—you just feel as if you can’t. So while it definitely feels as if something is physically wrong with you, the source of the physical symptoms is emotional in origin, and can be addressed behaviorally. Yes, withdrawal heightens these fears and makes this more difficult, but even in the thick of w/d you can work to understand it and constantly challenge it.

[anhedonica]

Ok, what is the best way to heal the brain from these symptoms of emptiness, blankness, lack of emotion, dulled intellect, absent sense of humor, and generally feeling like my life happened to someone ELSE!!!! I almost don't identify with my NAME right now! Ackkkk. Please, what can I do?

I didn't start feeling this way until a few weeks ago, after a few nights of no sleep, and doxepin combined with lithium. Now every day I feel like I'm floating more and more away from myself... lightheaded, empty-headed, with my soul and spirit GONE! I feel like I'm impersonating myself.

What can I do? What should I do? Please be specific. What worked for you? How did you get yourself BACK??? I am worried my essence has been chemically destroyed.

[jr1985]

Have you ever tried mindful meditation? There are some studies that suggest it may increase your ability to feel positive emotions, like love and compassion.

Look here for more info - http://marc.ucla.edu/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMlaSCxZPN4

[anhedonica]

Yes-- meditation is great. Overall, I love it. But can it work if you're chemically altered-- if your emotional void is due to meds? I don't know.

Has anyone else had a lithium/trazodone/doxepin/fluoxetine combination? I also experienced weird restless pacing and aimlessness. Also totally not part of my usual personality. My formerly active curious mind is now flat and empty. Devoid of humor and personality.