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Old 09-02-2012, 02:05 AM   #1
Bilo76
 
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Disconnected from yourself?

Lately i been having this problem and it freaks me out.
It's like the DP that i had with my body (feeling unreal in your body like its not yours) is now in my mind. I feel disconnected from myself. Like i scare myself. like i dont know who i am. And i dont mean that on a philosophical level. It's just like my mind, my being feels unreal. Like the pieces of myself are scattered. Like i see myself and scare myself. Like that voice in my head feels weird and scares me.
Its really scary and i feel so unreal.

Does this ring any bells? Anyone recognizes this? Is this a product of WD or a product of a severe anxiety disorder? or perhaps both?

Thanks for any help
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Bilo aka Remco


14 years on Paxil 20 mg cause of a bad anxiety disorder (social anxiety, agoraphobia)
2011 Oct 16th: Cold turkey stop Paxil cause of poopout and switch to lexapro 15 mg. Hell started. Tapered lexapro. Tapered oxazepam. Med-free for 16 months. Now on Anafranil (clomipramine)


"....We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. It can not command, only serve..."
Albert Einstein.
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Old 09-02-2012, 02:26 AM   #2
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Re: Disconnected from yourself?

wdl
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2000 Effexor for arm pain from keyboard, told I had a chemical imbalance it would fix my arm not infrmd of its nature , CT off Effexor psych panic tearful
2000-2010 paroxetine(paxil) 2failed attempts to quit
Jan10- Sept10 clueless 9 mnth self calc taper hell
28 Sept10 drug free..psych & emot. torture
8 feb12 windows of nrmlty(16 mnths)
28 Sept12 stabilising (24 mnths) (what anightmare)
2013;If I was enmy cmbtnt and nz army did this to me someone would be dragged to the Hague and jailed!
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Old 09-02-2012, 03:17 AM   #3
Bilo76
 
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Re: Disconnected from yourself?

Quote:
Originally Posted by markca View Post
wdl
???
__________________
Bilo aka Remco


14 years on Paxil 20 mg cause of a bad anxiety disorder (social anxiety, agoraphobia)
2011 Oct 16th: Cold turkey stop Paxil cause of poopout and switch to lexapro 15 mg. Hell started. Tapered lexapro. Tapered oxazepam. Med-free for 16 months. Now on Anafranil (clomipramine)


"....We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. It can not command, only serve..."
Albert Einstein.
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Old 09-02-2012, 04:15 AM   #4
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Re: Disconnected from yourself?

It could be a satori experience! You've discovered that you don't actually exist. Rene Descartes would disagree, of course.

Frankly, I would put this down to a combination of the anxiety disorder that has tired your mind for so long now and the post-withdrawal effects that are still playing havoc with your nervous system. I've never experienced anything resembling what you've described, but I'm a novice when it comes to anxiety disorders.

How do you think you could work with these feelings? For example, could you concentrate on you breathing and then let the feelings and thoughts come, acknowledge them and return to your breathing, rinse and repeat, until you are familiar with them and their own unreality becomes apparent to you? Or could you do some CBT, asking yourself why it scares you that you don't feel real or that your voice sounds weird?
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Started Paxil 10mg on 29 Nov. 2011. Began slow taper in Feb. 2012. Took final dose on 26 June 2013.

Started Valium 2mg in Feb. 2012. Began reducing dosage in May 2012. Took final dose on 26 June 2013. Now fully recovered.... sort of!


"While I might trust the doctor to remove a splinter or lance a boil, I do not believe he has the knowledge to restore a brain." - Spock
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Old 09-02-2012, 07:16 AM   #5
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Re: Disconnected from yourself?

Thanks tim. I need all the help and suggestions i can get. Today is my worst day since this hell started 15 months ago. Non stop panic but whats worse...that feeling like everything is unreal. Like i am dettached of my body. Like i am getting scared of myself. This is horrible. Lying in the ground..trying to focus on the tv. But i feel so disconnected from myself. This is hell. Feeling like losing my mind. .
__________________
Bilo aka Remco


14 years on Paxil 20 mg cause of a bad anxiety disorder (social anxiety, agoraphobia)
2011 Oct 16th: Cold turkey stop Paxil cause of poopout and switch to lexapro 15 mg. Hell started. Tapered lexapro. Tapered oxazepam. Med-free for 16 months. Now on Anafranil (clomipramine)


"....We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. It can not command, only serve..."
Albert Einstein.
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Old 09-02-2012, 07:28 AM   #6
miriza
 
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Re: Disconnected from yourself?

Withdrawal! I have it most of the time...cannot even look at myself in a mirror (I see myself as evil)
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*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME!
*Elavil:
75 mg -> 37.5 (12d)
Imipramine:
37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia!
5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11)
Now in w/d hell and missing my old self.
Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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Old 09-02-2012, 08:19 AM   #7
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Re: Disconnected from yourself?

Quote:
Originally Posted by miriza View Post
Withdrawal! I have it most of the time...cannot even look at myself in a mirror (I see myself as evil)
A few questions miriza:
- is your anxiety high during the day?
- did you have this a bit before the drugs?
- you also have dp/ dr?
__________________
Bilo aka Remco


14 years on Paxil 20 mg cause of a bad anxiety disorder (social anxiety, agoraphobia)
2011 Oct 16th: Cold turkey stop Paxil cause of poopout and switch to lexapro 15 mg. Hell started. Tapered lexapro. Tapered oxazepam. Med-free for 16 months. Now on Anafranil (clomipramine)


"....We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. It can not command, only serve..."
Albert Einstein.
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Old 09-02-2012, 09:26 AM   #8
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Re: Disconnected from yourself?

I experience something like that, the best way I can describe it is like this,
Your looking out a window, the world is passing you by, you can tell the difference between reality and not but you can't connect with it emotionally, the world appears to be "just" and that is it ( plain, boring, lacking significance and color), Kind of like a "high" feeling with no drugs, like your mind is on auto pilot.

For me I sometimes question life in general, how I am , what really happnds when people pass, and when I look in the mirror my eyes appear different to me, I dont recognize the person I have become, also feelings of guilt and defeat and exhaustation... Feels like the feeling will never go away and I'll never feel normal again.

Then one day it passes and you get a break from it, you are able to connect with everything in life and yourself, I think its a mix of both Depersonalization and Derealization at the same time.

I got it on meds and coming off meds but never before!
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Old 09-02-2012, 09:37 AM   #9
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Re: Disconnected from yourself?

Oh also it can be the bewilderment feeling that can come before or after a panic attack, if it tends to come on more when your anxiety is high then that could be what it is.

Its because your brain is so exhausted from panic plus now withdrawals that your mind literally needs a mini vacation to rest so your completely functional even though at times it wont feel like it! Your body giving you this sensation is forcing you to slow down and its not a bad thing, its your body taking care of itself.

the best thing to do is try really hard to flow with it and accept the feelings, whether it be bewilderment, dp, or dr, Its hard because the feelings are uncomfortable but the more you pay attention to it or fear it the longer it tends to stick around because the mind gets even more exhausted... its all a part of panic and anxiety, possibly even withdrawal!
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Old 09-02-2012, 02:43 PM   #10
miriza
 
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Re: Disconnected from yourself?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bilo76 View Post
A few questions miriza:
- is your anxiety high during the day?
- did you have this a bit before the drugs?
- you also have dp/ dr?
Yes, my anxiety/terror/fear/tension is super high at times.
I had none of this before the drugs. Only sitiational anxiety like before giving a presentation, flying or when someone close got sick. If I could put a number on it I felt anxious about 5% of the time. Now it is more like 90% of the time and 100 times stronger...
I do have dp/dr now intermittently. Never before drugs.
__________________
*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME!
*Elavil:
75 mg -> 37.5 (12d)
Imipramine:
37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia!
5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11)
Now in w/d hell and missing my old self.
Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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Old 09-03-2012, 12:33 AM   #11
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Re: Disconnected from yourself?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bilo76 View Post
Thanks tim. I need all the help and suggestions i can get. Today is my worst day since this hell started 15 months ago. Non stop panic but whats worse...that feeling like everything is unreal. Like i am dettached of my body. Like i am getting scared of myself. This is horrible. Lying in the ground..trying to focus on the tv. But i feel so disconnected from myself. This is hell. Feeling like losing my mind. .
Hi Bilo, I'm so sorry that things are not improving for you. You know, I love that line that is at the bottom of Laurie's signature, "Today is the Best Day Ever!" Of course, it's well over the top most days. But it reminds me that I often feel today is the worst day ever, when as a matter of fact I know it most definitely isn't. Feeling it is the worst day comes of being so immersed in it at the time.

Of course, in your case, today may very well be the worst day in the hell of the past 15 months. I won't argue with you on that as only you can know. But I suggest that even if it's true, you don't focus on such comparisons. Believing the thought that today is the worst day is not likely to make anything better. So how about thinking, today may be as horrible as any day I've ever had, but I've had horrible days before and they have been followed by significantly better days, and so will this day.

Another thing I'd like to say is that even though you are going through hell on a daily basis, you have a lot of time for other people on this site and you show them kindness, consideration and compassion and give them a lot of encouragement and advice, which is an invaluable service. I really commend you for the contribution you are making to helping other people who are suffering. It's important work and it deserves to be acknowledged.

You have big problems because of what the drugs and the CT withdrawals have done to your nervous system and also because of your underlying anxiety disorder. So most of the things that are given as advice for recovery are unlikely to work for you, at least until the nervous system heals.

Feeling disconnected from yourself is a form of depersonalization. It's a classic anxiety disorder symptom that can come up post WD as well. Have you had this feeling before and has it come and gone? Being scared of yourself must be worse. In what way are you getting scared of yourself? Can you examine that in a bit more detail?
__________________
Started Paxil 10mg on 29 Nov. 2011. Began slow taper in Feb. 2012. Took final dose on 26 June 2013.

Started Valium 2mg in Feb. 2012. Began reducing dosage in May 2012. Took final dose on 26 June 2013. Now fully recovered.... sort of!


"While I might trust the doctor to remove a splinter or lance a boil, I do not believe he has the knowledge to restore a brain." - Spock
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Old 09-03-2012, 03:36 AM   #12
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Re: Disconnected from yourself?

I have these feelings and sensations a lot and I know how devasting they can be. They leave you feeling like you're crazy, totally separated from reality and it goes hand in hand with severe anxiety symptoms. I never had depersonalisation before I took Paxil but now I have it and Im not sure where its come from! Bilo I understand your fears, Ive had all sorts of weird thoughts, like Im just flesh and bones, like there's no soul inside me. The feeling is that my thoughts are floating through my brain but they are not connected to anything. I also observe things in a weird way during these episodes. I feel like the sky looks odd- somehow pretend and not real and sometimes I feel that Im not grounded- the earth feels like its high up and Im not really on the ground. All really weird thoughts and I find them really frightening. Trinity your posts iinterest me because you say you have dp but neve had it before the meds..That is similar to me. Im glad to find others who also experience these symptoms because they are the most awful thing. I find it helps to try and distract yourself, very hard I know but you have to find a way not to focus on the odd sensations. Ive heard of people experiencing this during the withdrawl phase but I feel scared because I havent started withdrawl yet and I still experience it!
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Old 09-03-2012, 11:21 AM   #13
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Re: Disconnected from yourself?

Hi Pink--distraction is one of the best things you can do, the less you think about WD the better. My DR/DP started to clear up when I started my taper and has gotten steadly better the further I go, hope yours starts to clear soon.
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1994 started 20mg Paxil,1999 30mg,2005 40mg
2010 pooped out
09/2011 CTed from 15oz vodka a night
09/2011 36mg
06/2012 19mg (past halfway point)
01/2013 11.1mg
03/2013 10.0mg
01/2014 5.4mg
02/2014 4.9mg
03/2014 4.4mg
05/2014 4.0mg
06/2014 3.6mg
08/2014 3.2mg
09/2014 dropped to 2.9mg

"Feel like crap and carry on" --Junior
"Find a place inside where there is joy, and that joy will burn out the darkness." Joseph Campbell
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