Anger Rage

Please tell me this is withdrawal.

I feel so full of anger and rage. The total opposite of my 'normal' personality.

i feel resentful of people who havent been through this - even though I know many of them will have worse problems than me.

I feel hate for the company that made this evil drug and angry with the drs who ignored me when I said it was withdrawal and they wouldnt believe me.

I have no patience with anything and constantly feel like Im going to explode.

But worse than any of these is that I feel detached from my children and feel irritated with their noise etc etc.

sarah / Hope i think youve both said youve felt like this. Does it ease????

Im so worried that now Im down to such a small dose that this is how im going to be from now on.

Im sorry i know this note is just a moan but I HATE feeling like this.
Kizziex

[genevieve]

kizzie, we are all with you!!!
I think that your problem is probably 1% you (everybody has bad emotions sometimes), 49% the fact that you have been trough so much (you must be exhausted -if not physically, mentally!) and 50% the withdrawal and various drugs.
Repeat after me :
I WONT BE LIKE THAT FOREVER
THIS IS NOT ME, IT IS THE DRUGS AND THE FATIGUE
THINGS WILL GET BETTER
I AM NOT ALONE
A THOUGH DOES NOT MEAN I AM GOING TO DO SOMETHING BAD
BEING ANGRY ABOUT MY CHILDREN DOES NOT MAKE ME A BAD MOTHER
I wish I could help more
Hang in there!!!!

[hope]

Kizzie,

Believe me I have been there. You have witnessed it. I was so irritable and anxious that it took all I could not to have a meltdown over every little thing. My daughter one day kept pestering me to take her to the library and I was having a terrible time. I lost it and screamed at everyone. Then I broke down and cried because I realized I wasn't angry at her for asking me to take her to the library, I felt like **** and was frustrated that every little thing I used to take for granted took a huge amount of physical and emotional effort and left me frustrated and drained. I sat and cried with my children that day. It was only one of many hard days to come. They have gone down this awful road with me and they didn't deserve it. They were more understanding than I ever thought imaginable. They kept me going, even though they were driving me crazy at the same time because I felt so awful.

It does pass and it does get better - even though I have to admit it took me so doggone long and came and went so much that I didn't believe it either. It took me a while and I know that doesn't sound encouraging, but knowing there were others who took a long time and eventually did recover helped me keep going. I'll be honest, the awful horrible emotions are gone - I hope for good. My emotions are very much manageable at this point. I think I have PTSD from this, but I tell you I thought I was a lunatic every other day. It will get better but it will be a while. The changes that occur from day to day will be small but they will happen.

I'm still having dizzy spells and some trouble sleeping, as I mentioned, but I am living almost like a normal person in most areas of my life now. I never ever thought that would happen. The withdrawal was so cyclical that I'm still afraid to believe I'm getting better... But now that I think of it I have had almost 2 weeks were I felt pretty darn decent. Those horrible emotions are fading and yours will too. Every now and then (PMS related???) I've felt like taking a mallet to my husband's head, but it passes when I try to distract myself.

Hang on there... Hang on with all you got because that's what it's going to take. Even if all you can do for now is breathe, just hang on.

[Scott]

yeah ive felt exactly that. Ive told this story before but here it is again. I was so sensitive to light and sounds I would wear my sunglasses in the house at night. The fact my family would be making noise while I was sitting there suffering had me full of anger. We recycle plastic bottles, except my sister who cant seem to get the concept and walk the extra 20 feet to the recycle bin. One night I felt so bad that when I opened the trash to throw something away and saw plastic bottle in the trash I almost lost it on her. This other time my cat was making so much noise trying to get out of the house I wanted to throw him out the window. Then comes the feelings of "why does it have to be me that is suffering, why cant I be the normal one who can go out and the only problem I have is a stupid driving phobia like my sister" "why cant anyone understand what im doing?" "feeling such anger at my sister for her comments to my mother about her showing me favoritism, if she only had a damn clue the levels of hell I have gone through she would shut her mouth and thank God every day she isn't the one who had to deal with this." Then since im rambling, I get mad that the rest of my family doesnt seem to pay God any attention whatsoever and Im almost over the top with it, huh I guess they dont need Him yet. My dad was in a car accident 2 days after Christmas this year. He's ok, though by the grace of God he should pay more attention to. Do you think we would change things a bit and maybe actually go to church again? of course not. Im still the only one in this house that gives a damn. Don't get me started on the drug companies. The front page of the one we all love so much has a quote improving the quality of peoples' lives being their goal. Do I need to comment on this?

Hey Kizzie,

I too have been down the "terror mad woman road"...I dont know how old your children are, but I sat down with each one and explained to them what was happening to me on the inside and I was very sorry if I looked crazy on the outside....I was on Paxil for over six years, my 13 year old said "Wow Mom, that is almost half my life...." Ya, well, after I bawled and he felt bad (even though he was very light-hearted about it...and, of course did not mean for his statement to have THAT effect) we hugged, told each other we loved them and decided that I would try to not lose my temper and he promised not to take it personally.....As for the manufacturers, the doctors that say they have "never heard of that before" and the regular Joe's that think we make this stuff up.....they can stick it One day Kizzie, the rest of the world will know....I look at this drug like that Phen-phen (pondimen) that no drs knew could cause so many health problems.....now it is off the market and that company has so many lawsuits against it for what they did, if they are not out of business already, they hopefully will be soon----hang in there....it is worth it on the other side!

[FWM]

Hope,

Just wish to ask. Are you feeling better since you have started working ? Do you think there is a relation with it ?

I think it really have in my case though.

Good to see your feeling better.

Kizzie, I won't tell you to hang in there cause I think you were told many times. I feel for you. I am not sure what to tell you that can make you feel better. If I tell you that I have heard you, i feel for you and you are not alone, can it help a bit ?

I also had very angry stages at some points while taking, increasing or decreasing Paxil. Like Hope said, I was feeling so awful, so tired and anxious that I could not take anything without either bursting into tears or extreme hanger. It did past. I am not sure of where you are right now with your weaning schedule. I know you do not want to throw up the Prozac and I can understand. But I am asking myself, could your situation be worst without the Prozac ? Even though if you have to increase the Valium a bit for a while ? And what if it is the valium that makes you feel like that (have you noticed if you feel more anger after the effects of the valium subsides ?).

Anyway, keeping a journal can help you. Writing how you feel, the medications and dose that you took, what you did during the day, the event that occured, the meal that you have eat, etc.

Focussing on something else (while not always easy) is also helpful. Some activities, cross-words, "mots cachés", walks, talking to friends (but not about how you feel all the time), just going out, closing your eyes and smelling the fresh air, etc.
The goal here is to try to give your mind (and yourself) a break from all of this.

I hope you get better Kizzie, you deserve it.

Wish you the best.

xx

See my note to my friends for my thanks.

Francois - i have wondered whether the valium could be causing the anger etc. This frightens but I suppose I just have to keep in mind that the aim is to come off this too.

Im sorry you have all been through this hell too but it does reassure me to hear Im not the only one.

Today I also had these horrible feelings of 'nothingness'- like I dont care about anything. Again - I hope its just withdrawal.

Kizziex

[PayPerView]

Hi Kizzie

WIthout question the withdrawal can make you very angry and impatient. IT can increase your sense of hearing and make you lash out at a moment's notice.

I know I keep repeating my advice to you but here goes again,,,,I would not taper so slowly when you get down so low on Prozac. You seem hyper focused on each and every symptom and are going to drive yourself crazy monitoring it so closely. THis advice comes from first hand experience. I can only give it in retrospect.

I would also either consider trying Ativan (instead of the Valium) or increasing the dose to help deal with the last bit of withdrawal.

You can get this over with and feel better sooner than you think.

Be careful of hyperfocusing on real and imagined withdrawal effects. Also, don;t concern yourself (if possible) with excessive worrying about any long term damage. In short..I reminded myself every day (and still do) that it is not helpful to try to look too far into the future...The old "one day at a time' thing.

All the best.

Mark

P.S. Are you cursing me out yet?? I DON'T blame you if you do!

hi Mark - no im not cursing you (YET )

Your advice over the last few months has been invaluable and I appreciate every bit of help you have offered.

And you are spot on - everything seems so critical - every symptom so intense.

Somewhere i hold onto the person underneath all this:

She has a degree and a postgrad, a successful career as a journalist and an unhealthy penchant for chocolate and gossip magazines (although she makes some vague effort at various times during the year to read the classics but never seems to get round to it.)
On school cake day she buys cakes from the supermarket - bashes them about a bit and adds some twinkly bits on the top to make it look like they are homemade.
She is careful with money but spends just that little bit too much on nail varnish in every available colour for the summer (toes not fingers)
When she gets to work every day one of her colleagues tells her if she'd played her cards right she could have had him. She tells him that if he was the last man on earth she wouldn't have chosen them. They both laugh - same line/ same thing every day.
Every New Year she makes a resolution that she's going to practice the piano more / go to the gym 3 times a week and learna foreign language....never happens.
etc etc etc
But more than any of this she wakes up every morning ready for the challenges and pleasures ahead and can lie for hours in the bath without being overwhelmed with fear.
I'm almost too scared to even dare think it but I'll let you know when shes back.
Kizziex

[sarah]

Kizzie, I am sorry I haven't replied before, but I have dad ill at the moment. Won't even begin to describe the hell that is causing after everything with my mum!! Anyway, I am so positive that the anger is the withdrawal. I have said so many times before that for me this was the worst part of the whole process. I was talking to my friend yesterday. She called me up to ask about some of the withdrawal symptoms as she is going on prozac and trying to wean off of flupenthixol. I was telling her a story that makes me cry every time I think about it. One day last year, about a month after I had taken my last paxhell, I had to take my then 8 year old son to the dentist. He had 2 abcesses on his teeth and had been referred to a different clinic, by our dentist, to have the 2 teeth removed. This child has had more needles, tests, hospital visits, operations than any child should ever have. Anyway, he has a real phobia about having masks used to put him to sleep. This was written in VERY LARGE notes on his paperwork. We walked down this corridor and into this horribly brown, purpley coloured room. Standing at the dorr of this disgustingly frightening room, was a nurse. What was she holding in her hand? You guessed it. A mask. Did he have his teeth out? NO. Did I go mental at the incompetence of the staff? No! I went mental at my son for being such a scaredy cat. I screamed at him nearly the whole way home (1/2 hour at least) about being such a wuss. He was absolutely terrified by my anger, as well as having been terrified by the stupid b---h who had been holding the mask. How I wish I could have that day back again to do it all differently. And anyone who is going to tell me not to worry, he will forget that, is very very wrong. He has not forgotten it. And I never will until the day I die. It was probably one of the most awful things I have ever done. I still cry every time I think about it. The other thing you mentioned Kizzie, was the not having any feelings for the boys. That does, and will come back. They call it dis-association, I think. You have no real feelings for anybody. It's only now when I look back, that I see that me being on, and coming off, paxhell, caused all the traumas in our family life. Even though at the time I thought I felt fine. I can look back and realise I never cried, I never laughed, I had no sympathy for anyone's troubles. Basically I was totally numb. I had forgotten how funny my other half was. I had lost the concept of children as being the most interesting, amusing, intelligent little creatures on earth. I feel like I am just starting to become a good parent again. What a bloody waste for me, and for them. I thank god every day that I had such wonderful support from my other half. If I ever doubted that he loved me, the fact that he has taken this journey with me, and is still here beside me, gets rid of any doubts at all. You will get through this Kizzie, and you will feel great when you come out of the other side. You will have endless amounts of compassion, understanding, tolerance and I honestly believe you will have grown hugely as a person. I feel that I have. All those things you listed above that you want to get back, you will. Loads of love and hugs to you. Sarah xxx

Oh Sarah - Im really sorry about your dad.
It must be so hard to cope with so soon after your mum.
I hope things start to improve soon!
Thanks for your message (and the fact that you sent it even though you've got so much on your mind.)
I hope the week gets better.
Kizziex

[Pat Shields]

Originally Posted by sarah

he has a real phobia about having masks used to put him to sleep.

You can tell him this story for me - it is true, and I still chuckle about it. I had an emergency appendectomy Thanksgiving morning two or three years ago. They hustled me into the OR, and hooked me up to everything, and they were in a real hurry, and I don't think it was because they thought I was sick, they just wanted to get back home to their festivities. So the anesthesia nurse showed me a mask and said she was going to put it on and I was to breathe deeply while they administered the anesthesia. She put it on, but she didn't do a very good job of it, and it was across my forehead and the side of my face. She had turned around and didn't see it, so when I called her attention to it, she looked and quickly said, "Oh, it doesn't matter" and the next thing I knew I was awakening from the anesthesia and they were putting me back in my bed. They were administering the anesthesia in my IV and the mask was just a distraction, obviously. Tell your son that I was a bit wary as I had never had a mask on before, and especially not like that, but everything turned out OK.

Wow, thats exactly what put me on Paxil in the first place. I don't have any advice for you but I wish you luck with it. It is a horrible way to feel.