Scared of hurting myslef

I have had thee crazy thoughts of hurting myself since beginning to wean off the paxil. I was panicked this morning when the subway platform started to get crowded and I was close to the edge. I could see myself jumping off. I had to push back through the crowd to ensure I would not do it. I do not consider myself to be a selfish person and suicide is such a selfish act when you have so many people who love you. I am lucky to say I am surrounded by a very loving support group.

Is anyone else like me? Do these thoughts come and then pass almost as quickly? Just need to hear I am not nuts!!

Thanks

[MizzT]

Hey NYC.
you are not crazy....you are not alone.
just last week i was describing to my husband how i wanted to smash everything i could get my hands on. I was beyond suicidal....i just wanted to have something that actually physically hurt. I even thought about just carving a little *yikes* into my wrist....so it said "cut here" in scar tissue.

weird eh???
its horrible.....but it fades....and it isnt real....i mean the thoughts are real.
but the reason for the thought is drug *or lack thereof* induced.

yer brain cells is messed up for a little while. Dey wills all come back one of dese here days. *if you can understand that then you are really weird!*

just go with it. its a rough ride....kinda like missing your stop on the 1-2-3 line Express at 96th street....and realizing next stop is 125th.
*can you tell im a new yorker too? - in heart at least*

did you go on paxil after 9/11?? just curious. there are many of US out there.

my heart goes out to you and NYC
may i be strong enough soon to go back east and enjoy strolling the MET and central park again.

Beverly

Thanks for your response, Beverly.

I was very deeply impacted by 9/11. I knew a couple of people who were lost in the Trade Center. One of my fiance's best friend was an EMT for NY Hospital and was killed along with his partner saving people. My fiance is also a volunteer firefighter on Long Island and new numerous people who were killed. I didn't start the Paxil until Sept 2003.

As much as I love NYC, it scares me these days. You see so much security in some places and not enough at others. I think I need to stop watching so much news and reading so many warnings. I take the LIRR now and the accident with Amtrak at Penn scared a lot of people yesterday. It was especially frightening with all the people killed on the commuter railroad in Madrid recently. We try to live our lives but you can't help but wonder what is next. I am sure it's not just NYC. It's all over the US now. These are scary times.

What you said makes total sense. I was hosting Easter for my family this year and was nervous to cut up vegetables because I was nervous I would hurt myslef when holding a knife.

Thanks for taking the time to answer!!

[MizzT]

I hear ya about the great city. You see.....i moved in 1993 after the first bombing. I had been living, going to school in the 80's and working thru '93. The lights went out in the towers that night and my first husband and i decided to leave.
Its been a long strange decade since. thought i got away from stress out in the middle of nowhere. Then i watched a forest fire burn down the new town i had moved to in 2000. 400 homes lost. 50,000 acres. set by the government. we had to evacuate for a week.
18 months later i too lost folks in the towers. I too have friends/relatives who are NYPD and FDNY. and because i grew up in NJ close to NYC we just learned of how very many my hometown lost.
WOW!
that's enough to kick my a** in itself......
and then they told me paxil would help.

its too crazy isnt it? its just completely insane.....cause you want help. you understand its been rough....and you are willing to ask for help.....

and paxil was a help for maybe a couple months for me. i think it might have helped a little bit. but now is way worse. having to figure out all the same old woes without the hope and help of a miracle drug.

But you can do it. I had a REALLY hard cold turkey withdrawal. ive been struggling with it all. But i AM getting better. Im investigating some weird alternative treatments that I personally think are revolutionary in helping treat weird things like this. Ive had it done on allergies and was cured in one treatment. Im going in next friday to do some work with a healer in santa fe who swears she can help get the brain to readjust.

If you are interested i will tell you more about it....but i dont push anything.
this treatment is alternative. but i see that it actually works.
my cousin in staten island went to see a practitioner today and i will know tomorrow how it went for her.

I hope you can have the strength to heal yourself. Love yourself and get thru this without ever giving into the urges of hurting yourself or worse. Know that there are people all over like you. We are all fighting the same battle. 10 million people in NYC and tonight I will be thinking of you....even tho we have never met.

you....like I....will survive this. Me you and the cockroaches baby, will be the only ones left!

just stick with it. educate yourself on supplements and what they do. ask questions. learn about therapies available. share your knowledge.

Beverly

[hope]

Hi,

The reason I even learned about Paxil having a withdrawal syndrome was the result of 9/11. Apparently Paxil was being marketed pretty intensely in New York after 9/11 and alot of people took it for PTSD. Normal people who were severely traumatized by what happened, took paxil to help them get through. A year or so later many of them were ready to deal with the situation without the drug and were surprised that they couldn't get off it. I first read about Paxil's withdrawal syndrome in a People magazine article about someone who took paxil after 9/11 and had a heck of a time getting off it. I'd been on Paxil for 7 years and tried several times to get off it, and felt much like you are feeling now, and was told I was having a relapse of my depression. Like a dummy I believed it.

After reading that article I started researching and started on my quest to get off the paxil. I had no idea what I was in for. I felt much like you do now. It was very scary but I knew that my post-partum depression was nowhere near as bad as what I experienced withdrawing from Paxil. I sat at home in front of the TV trying to distract myself. Sometimes I had to have someone sit by me because I was so afraid of losing control; it was like the thoughts had control over me and it took huge amounts of effort to block them out and say, "This is not me, this is withdrawal, you'll be ok, this is not you, you'll be ok." and then I prayed.

You will get through. These do pass. Mine did. Hang on.

Hugs.

[hope]

By the way,

I'm so sorry about what you had to go through in New York. I'm thousands of miles away from you and I cried for all of you, as did the rest of the nation after 9/11. I was getting ready for work that day and happened to turn on the radio. I heard Tom Brokaw on the local station and knew something was up. I turned on the TV. They were replaying video of the 1st tower falling. I yelled at my husband to come watch TV. Five minutes later we saw the 2nd tower fall. It brings tears to my eyes as I think of it. I'm a teacher and went to work. All available televisions were in the classrooms and the whole school was paralyzed. Recesses were cancelled. Parents were coming in to pick up their kids because they were so afraid. I don't think anyone did any schoolwork that day. Everyone was in a fog for weeks. Every child's pictures had tall buildings and airplanes in them. The kids would just start talking about it in the middle of a phonics lession, and we as teachers were encouraged to stop and let them talk about it. It was unbelievable. As I said, we were thousands of miles away, I can't even imagine having been there and being touched by the events so closely. You are braver than you will ever know. My heart goes out to you.

Peace.

[Pat Shields]

Yep, within the first four weeks of Paxil withdrawal, I got the depression and suicidality right back. But after this past week (my x husband overdosed himself), that has cured me of suicide ideation. The point of this is that yes, you are not the only one who gets these thoughts, but dear God, don't do it, it is indeed a horrible thing.

[genevieve]

suicide thoughs are a common thing with paxil but I just want to add a little something. At one time (I dont know if it was paxil related) I had those thoughs about drinking the javex stuff... weird? I was lying in bed and I just though : oh my god! I could just get up, go to the bathroom and drink that stuff and I would be dead... But there is a difference between :
a) those kind of thoughs which psychologist call "impulsion phobia" (I dont know it this is the right term in english...) where you are AFRAID of doing something dangerous to others or yourself and usually dont do it and
b) suicide though were you are so depressed and think you are so worthless that the only solution is dying...
OK, there is a similarity between the 2 but usually people dont actually COMMIT suicide with a which is in a way reassuring... My psychologist told me about that and I think it makes sense...

It is just reassuring that I am not the only person with these thoughts.

My sister had her first baby last week and, although already crazy in love with her, I owuld be afraid to be alone with her. It's not that I think I would ever hurt her, it's just the anxiety of dealing with the idea of hurting another person.

I truly believe I would never hurt myself or anyone else. That minute or so when the idea of it goes through my head, it rocks me to the core.

Thanks for the responses. They help so much!