Jekyl & Hyde: Where is the boyfriend I love?

My boyfriend starting taking Paxil in Sept. 7 for anxiety and by the end of month his personality had totally changed. Less exhuberant, no expression of his feelings and emotions, not concerned about the relationship or its' needs. The guy I knew and loved before was expressive with his emotions and feelings, expressive and demonstrative, enthusiastic, interested in us....Occasionally he tells me he loves me whereas before he used to tell the world!!! I don't know what to do. I've been told this can be "normal" for some Paxil patients. I feel abandoned and unloved not to mention puzzled by his complete turnaround in personality. Does anyone have a similar experience they can share with me? I don't want to give up the man I love, but I feel like he wouldn't even notice if I left! Sad and confused.....

[Scott]

why did he go on paxil?

that's basically what it does to a person.. numbs the emotions. He honestly most likely doesn't realize he is acting this way to you.. it took me going off the medication before I realized just how blunted everything was. My ex girlfriend once asked me why i was so "monotone".. she meant indifferent.. and she was right, it's like a vail is put over you. Paxil softens all the edges. We can give better advice when you reply with why he's on it.

*edit* so he's on it for anxiety? how much is he on?

Thanks for your quick reply. I really needed to hear what you had to say. He's on it for anxiety.I'm not sure of the exact dose, but it's pretty low.

*edit* your ex-girlfriend described what i am experiencing. my bfriend is indifferent to our needs as a couple and my needs as part of that couple.

[scotty]

My 16 year old was the same way. Didn't care what he said to anyone, no matter how inappropriate. Very angry at life, and numb to anything good. ITS THE PAXIL!!!!! Paxil doesn't cure anxiety, it just numbs you so you don't recognize anymore. When you come off the paxil the anxiety is still there, but now you have to deal with the side effects and withdrawal of paxil. Invite your boyfriend to come here. We can give him a supportive earful!!

[Scott]

I've noticed also that I was prone to do impulsive things as well.. I remember stealing a few things from where I used to work and not having much conscience about it, if any.. that and other things like pointing out coworkers faults to their face (I'm a shy reserved person normally). Scares the hell out of me to think I really didn't have control.

[ragazza]

i became numb and indifferent when i was on paxil for six months (i'm two months free). my social life became just about nonexistent. i didn't call my friends or initiate plans and eventually they just stopped calling. the worst part was that i didn't really care. in the past couple of weeks, i've noticed i'm really seeming to "wake up."

my relationship with my best friend since sixth grade (i'm a junior in college) deteriorated to that of an acquaintace. i'm sure she was hurt and pissed that for months i didn't seem to want to hang out with her for no reason that she knew of. even when i did hang out with her, i was totally boring and had nothing to say. i was so numb that i actually prefered staying home on friday nights to watch "joan of arcadia," (by the way, a pretty good show) instead of doing something social because i was so awkward and detached from everyone.

now that i'm "waking up," we're becoming better friends again. we spent pretty much all of last weekend together and it was almost like old times. it was good to hang out with her family again too, because her parents were like extra parents for me when i was in high school and i spent a lot of time at their house when there were bad circumstances at my house.

to summarize, in my experience paxil can erase one's personality, make them socially awkard even in their closest relationships, and cause one to hurt friends and family without really realizing it or caring about it.

obviously i don't know you or your situation, so i might be totally wrong. this is just what i would say given my personal experience with paxil:

your boyfriend may be having a similar reaction to paxil, so the person he seems to be right now isn't who he really is. i don't know how long you've been with him. if it hasn't been very long it might be best for your own sake to let him go, because it might be quite a few months at least before he reclaims some of his personality. but if it's been a really commited relationship, it's worth it to be there for him, at least as a friend. your relationship will change, but if you stay in the background for awhile, and just keep calling even if he doesn't call you, and he gets off paxil, he might "come back." and when he does, he'll be really thankful that you cared enough to continue being there for him even when he was, in a sense, not really "there" himself.

but, there is no guarantee this will happen, so you have to remember to take care of yourself first. if the paxil-zombie state is really drawn out, or if he gets more adverse reactions like rage, etc. it might be best to not put in all the energy.

i'm just a college kid with three previous boyfriends, so i don't claim to be an expert. i hope my advice isn't presumptous. just trying to help.

[Scott]

actually ragazza you put it better than I did

[elisa]

Ragazza - you described everything so well!!

Since taking these SSRI's, I've been a compulsive shopper. That's not like me at all!! While all this time I thought that it was my soul that needed to be fed, it never occurred to me that it could be the pills that were/are driving these impulses. DUH.

Ragazza....thanks for your reply (and everyone else). it's really helped to put things in prospective for me. at first, i thought myboyfriend was "less interested" in me which didn't make sense at all. he's always been a gentleman, very considerate, very expressive of his feelings. now, he NEVER hugs me or kisses me first and it doesn't seem to bother him when we go for a week without seeing each other (we were seeing each other tues, fri and sun) and when we do see each other it's like two friends greeting each other. this is so weird! when i tell him that my experience of him is different than before the he started taking paxil and how it's affecting me, he acknowledges it, but does nothing to change. he's taking this for anxiety, so i'm wondering if he could taper off and try something that does not alter one's personality so much. is all that is happening a real result of the paxil? it's the only thing that makes sense to me. does anyone have any thoughts they'd like to share? i'd really like to hear more; this is causing me alot of heartache. thanks.

[Scott]

i tried moving this thread to get a larger response and messed up a few times

[Scott]

again

I've moved this to the General Forum because I don't know how to move this thread! Sorry to have caused any problems!

[Scott]

you didn't cause a problem, i'll just move this one there. You put it in the right place but not everyone thinks to come to this section.

[elisa]

Originally Posted by exnuyrker

i thought myboyfriend was "less interested" in me which didn't make sense at all. he's always been a gentleman, very considerate, very expressive of his feelings. now, he NEVER hugs me or kisses me first and it doesn't seem to bother him when we go for a week without seeing each other (we were seeing each other tues, fri and sun) and when we do see each other it's like two friends greeting each other. this is so weird! when i tell him that my experience of him is different than before the he started taking paxil and how it's affecting me, he acknowledges it, but does nothing to change. he's taking this for anxiety, so i'm wondering if he could taper off and try something that does not alter one's personality so much. is all that is happening a real result of the paxil? it's the only thing that makes sense to me. does anyone have any thoughts they'd like to share? i'd really like to hear more; this is causing me alot of heartache. thanks.

I can relate. My now estranged spouse is on antipsychotics since 1978 and little by little he became the man that you describe so vividly. I had numerous conversations with him, but he thought all was okay and didn't need to change. It just seemed that he didn't care, it caused so much emotional hurt. I felt like a widow and it was a nightmare. Strange though how after the separation, he expressed some words and feelings that I hadn't heard for over 20 years.

These drugs and the antidepressants like Paxil, cover up the feelings and emotions. I hope that your boyfriend will realize that and will take steps to get off them. There are plenty of other natural ways in coping with anxiety!

Take care of yourself.

[Ariella]

Wife? Boyfriend? Who cares! It's all about me baby! -->What Paxil does.

[tahoe730]

I to lost my best friend of 24 years while on Paxil. She said I had changed and started accusing me of all sorts of things. Things I know I didn't do. She became afraid of me and called my sister and told her I needed help. I think she must of read something or someone told her about antidepressents. I haven't talked to her in 3 years. She broke my heart and I'm still not over it.

[Scott]

Originally Posted by tahoe730

I to lost my best friend of 24 years while on Paxil. She said I had changed and started accusing me of all sorts of things. Things I know I didn't do. She became afraid of me and called my sister and told her I needed help. I think she must of read something or someone told her about antidepressents. I haven't talked to her in 3 years. She broke my heart and I'm still not over it.

have you talked to her about it? I know there's a stigma attached to taking anti-depressants but if she really understands what's going on it shouldn't be a problem..

[Ariella]

That raises an excellent point. Although while on Paxil some may feel overly nonchalant about things, we should NEVER stigmatize nor judge someone purely on the fact that they are taking an antidepressant. It's so culturally popular, you risk inappropriately generalizing absurdities about hundreds of millions of people!

Sounds like this may have happened to you tahoe730. Somebody looked at your value in the friendship within a single slice of time, and gave you no space to be yourself. That's unfair. The gift in this though, is that you were shown a false friend and can now keep loving energy coming and going to friends who are unconditional.

Also, you could be feeling overly victimized which is a friendship roadblock in itself. If you're not 'over it', then you're still feeling victimized and that doesn't help anything. You have all the reasons to feel that way and I'm certainly not downplaying the hurt being rejected creates. But really, when we get rejected, it's not because we're defficient, it's because we're misunderstood and the rejectors are unable to manage a fear they have about the misunderstanding. You can forgive your friend for not understanding.

In kind understanding about the ex-friends who left us, I think it's fair that they exercised their freedom to not go through any part of Paxil withdrawal by distancing themselves from a situation or people enduring it. Friends can make their relationship grow and revitalize when experiences are shared, but I can't think of a single precious friend I would want to drag into my withdrawal hell, when I was going through it. Of course, this is a catch-22, because some friendships will die from a sense of betrayal from having not shared what you're going through.

I think the best way to go about it is to share your life openly and passionately, and forgive anybody who doesn't want to hear about it. That way, those who want to grow with you will, and those who don't, won't. Freedom.

Of course, there are some relationships that have participants who are open (or were open at some point) about what the 'rules' and 'expectations' are. Although friends may not mention it, one popular expectation (which I personally wish friends would express ahead of time so betrayal events can be bettery understood) is you abandon me when I'm having a hard time, and I'll kick your ***. In a marriage situation, multiply the *** kicking to the size of a meteor the size of Jupiter flying through space at near the speed of light hehe. Antidepressant/withdrawal stigma or seriousness can be a good invitation for friends to review how they want their relationship to continue.

Everybody has their own agenda, fears, and expectations in life. It's impossible to completely codify a relationship, so I guess you've just got to love and forgive! You never know who may be feeling regret and shame and needs your forgiveness, and is avoiding you and attacking you until it is received out of a pained act of projection. Parents do this A LOT because their love is so intense, it burns into a fireball they throw at their kids unintentionally.

You also have to rescue your enemies sometimes.

Right now, my mother in law is afraid of me mentioning paxil<b>progress</b> on my resume. LOL! I don't think I'm going to omit 4 years of serious web/database/fund raising/publishing/administration experience. She has quite the stigma against me because I touched an antidepressant (meanwhile she sits with her hands shaking anytime grandkids are mentioned, or someone is 30 min late when they said they would be, and is accusing people of hiding phone numbers from her that prevent her from calling those who are late). I didn't ask for it, my doctor thrust it at me and said it was like taking wine. I should remind her of that the next time she's sipping her glass of Merlot. I don't worry about it though. I celebrate the glory of that experience by the day, since I get to spend time with you amazing people, and be useful in a way I never dreamed I could be.