Bad thoughts are DRIVING ME CRAZY

[Bern]

Before reading this post, please be advised that I WON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID OR CRAZY.

When I went to bed last night, I had another bad thought, and didn't fall asleep until 1AM again. Then when I woke up this morning and went to class, I started thinking about the bad thought. As I was thinking about it, I was convincing myself of doing it. Once I got out of class, I started studying in a cubical. Then, I fell asleep on my book for a few minutes. After I started waking myself up, I said I'm crazy, and I won't act out on that bad thought. Then I went to my last class and thought to myself...I will not do it.

The thing is though, I don't know if it's my OCD or the paxil. It really seems like the OCD, but I had an urge to do it, but it went away within hours. But then again...it could be the luvox. In conclusion: My thought process drove me crazy today and I'm confused and scared. Again, please be advised that I WON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID OR CRAZY. I came to the realization with my psychiatrist that if I was going to do something stupid, I would have done it a long time ago.

[elisa]

Yanks - thank God that you did not act on your bad thought, whatever it might have been.

Would you care to share your "bad" thought? I realize it's a very personal question and you don't have to answer it. I'am worried and care about you.

[Bern]

Originally Posted by elisa

Would you care to share your "bad" thought? I realize it's a very personal question and you don't have to answer it. I'am worried and care about you.

Yes. Please don't think I'm evil becuase I'm not. I don't even kill bugs when I see them. I will not do this. It's just OCD or something. It was about threatening my father with a gun, but not killing him. Then I would call the police and tell them that my father threatened me with the gun and see him being taken away in handcuffs. During my crazy thinking, I was thinking that I can get away with it becuase I have the mental disorder in the family and I can make him talk about this mental illness that I have, and he never talks about. I would also go to jail, then the hospital, and that would get me out of school. But why should I do that when the jail and the psychiatric hospital takes away my freedom? I have much more freedom now than I would have.

I just want to say again, that I WON'T do this. It's just a bad thought.

[elisa]

Originally Posted by Yanks1083

During my crazy thinking, I was thinking that I can get away with it becuase I have the mental disorder in the family and I can make him talk about this mental illness that I have, and he never talks about.

I just want to say again, that I WON'T do this. It's just a bad thought.

Thanks for sharing Yanks and I feel for you.

Your thoughts are NOT bad and CRAZY!! Your thought was only about ways on how to communicate with your dad, and it shows how desperate you are in wanting to talk with your dad about your illness.

Thoughts are thoughts, right? "Bad" thoughts only turn out bad when we act them OUT and you clearly are not doing that.

Come to think of it. I will be posting a "Feelings Fact Sheet" shortly.

Take care of yourself Yanks

[hope]

Yanks,

Are you tapering Paxil, just started Luvox, I can't remember? Anyway, when I had the post-partum depression I kept telling my doctor I thought I had the post partum depression and he kept telling me it was just hormones and that it was normal. But then I told his nurse I kept thinking about blowing up the house and was that normal? I think I was just very tired and overwhelmed and my hormones were definitely out of balance. Anyway, I ended up on Paxil. I definitely would not have blown up the house. I would just get tired and overwhelmed, I had three little kids, hubby worked all the time, was extremely exhausted... Going through Paxil withdrawal the thoughts were pretty out there compared to thinking about blowing up the house. I can't remember if you tapered. I don't know much about Luvox so I'll look it out but these drugs can really make our minds go bananas. Seems like you have some issues with your dad. I think I may have had some thoughts recently about blowing up GSK. Seriously, I never thought about blowing up GSK. Actually, I'm like you, if I feel like I hurt someone's feelings I cry. But more info would help. I do a quick look up on the Luvox. The icky thoughts are pretty common coming off Paxil.

[Bern]

Yes, I do have issues with my dad. He's stubborn, and sometimes I feel it'll take something drastic to open up his mind.

I am currently on 10mg of paxil, and have been since the beginning October, and went through the physical withdrawal symptoms for the first time, within 2 days of tapering down to 10mg. After a few weeks, the paxil lost its mental affect and in the beginning of November, I decided to go on Luvox. I've been on the luvox for 3 weeks, and I hope that it'll start working after 4 weeks, like it says. I've been on Luvox before, combined with the paxil around 1999-2001. I don't feel I'm that much at risk. It's just that they say that people who start or stop taking antidepressants express rage, ect. They say that the kid that did the Colombine shootings in 1999 was on Luvox. 8-O That's what's scaring me. I don't know if it's my OCD or the Luvox. But, I've had these thoughts before I started taking the meds, so it's most likely the OCD. All I have to do is watch myself until the Luvox kicks in. Once it dose, then I plan to start tapering the paxil again.

[hope]

I just read about Luvox. It's another SSRI I see. Never had heard of that one. I know I had difficulties if I tried to switch to another drug in the past. So you feel asleep in the library. Get some sleep if you need it. Call your doctor for sure if you think that something's not right. How long have you been on the luvox. Sorry I'm so scattered. Hope you're doing ok. During the Paxil withdrawal I had to have someone come stay with me for a few days, which helped. We all pretty much understand. I think most of us have been amazed at what we can go through on this stuff.

[hope]

Is it possible Yanks that you may have too much of the drugs in you?? I was switched to Lexapro and after a week on Lexapro (was still on the Paxil) I felt like I had too much of the SSRI in me, was feeling very strange. I think it was the beginning of seratonin syndrome. You're on two SSRIs and there is a possibility the levels are too high. When I cut the Paxil down I felt better. You need to call your doctor and get some feedback, if anything at least for your own comfort. Be wary if they tell you to up the luvox and you feel worse, which is what I was told to do and one point and became pretty sick. Yanks are you in high school or college? I had a very difficult father too. I'm 42 now and am ok with him now.. He drives me crazy and I drive him crazy right back.

[Bern]

I had about the same amount of drugs in me while I was taking paxil and luvox from 1999-2001, and I thought I was fine. Maybe my serotonin levels are too high. I'll call the hotline the doctor's office gave me. I'm in college...my plan is to quit antidepressants right after college.

[elisa]

Originally Posted by Yanks1083

Yes, I do have issues with my dad. He's stubborn, and sometimes I feel it'll take something drastic to open up his mind.

But, I've had these thoughts before I started taking the meds, so it's most likely the OCD. All I have to do is watch myself until the Luvox kicks in. Once it dose, then I plan to start tapering the paxil again.

Yanks - I feel that the issue with your dad is the reason you had these thoughts already before taking these pills. I'm not trying to blame your dad here, it's just meant for you to see the connection. Again, you need to get at the root of the problem and deal with the cause. Only then will you be mentally free. It's the talk therapy that would help you work at it.

[Bern]

My dad has always been a problem in my life. He is the root of some of my problems. I blame him for all of my problems when he cuases some of them. My sisters and my mom just say forget about what he says and does. But I can't...I have OCD. It's more easier for them to do that. My older sister had a 37 year old boyfriend when she was 18, and she claimed that she liked older men becuase she had no father figure. I like older men too, but that's my little secret. I'm not sure why I like older men, but I always have since I was 14. Right now there's a man in my life that's a year older than my father, that I'm attracted too. That man says that he loves me. I don't think my father ever told me or my sisters that he loves us, even when he's drunk.

[safarigal]

Hi Yanks You are such a great person and I always like reading your posts. You come across as being very sincere and wanting to get your life together. I also like that you are putting 2 and 2 together in figuring out where your issues started. But where, I'm sure you are asking, do you go from here?

First I'll tell you that your "bad thoughts" aren't all that bad. We all get them from time to time. I've been so frustrated with my son for instance that I've thought of getting rid of him. Now of course I'd never do that!! I love him too much. My point is that we all get "bad thoughts" and its a way for our minds to express frustration.

You say "I'm not sure why I like older men". The simple answer is that you are seeking out a true father figure to give you the love you didn't get from your father. My father wasn't violent or drunk but he didn't openly show affection or speak of his love for me as a kid. As a teen and young adult I tried to seek out that love by drinking and sleeping around. Which of course didn't work. It wasn't until much later in my life that I finally figured things out and came to terms with my father. I didn't confront him, just acknowledged to myself that he did the best he could. To this day he doesn't talk much to me on the phone. But when I see him and spend time with him I know the love is there. In fact over the last few years he has gotten much better at showing his feelings. I never saw him cry until this year.

Have you thought of seeing a therapist Yanks to work through your feelings for your father and family? It really would do you a world of good to get all those feelings out

[mapleleafgirl25]

Yanks..i think that everyone has bad thoughts..ocd or not!!!...when my mom sold her house she came to live with me for 5 months..it was in that time..i had my panic attack and went on paxil..she stressed me out so much that one of the times i actually put my hands around her throat i wanted to strangle her..i had visions of killing her..or putting poision in her tea..NOW i would never do that in a million years..i love my mom..but i had thoughts about it..and i do not have ocd....

and like safarigal..i enjoy reading your posts as well..you have a good head on your shoulders..you will get through it all..and the one thing is you are aware of it..so that is very important...

michele

[Bern]

Thanks Safarigal for your reply. It was very inspirational. I've seen a therapist before, but sometmes I came out more upset than I did going in. I've seen a therapist from age 10-17. I'm now 21 so it's been a good 4 years since I've seen someone. I've been seeing the same psychiatirst since I was 14 and I do walk out of her office feeling ok, except last time when she told me I had bipolar.:neutral: That's another story. I think the reason why I've been putting therapy off is because I have the idea that "an SSRI is good enough for me", which is bad. Now I have all of these suppressed feelings about my father, and God only knows what else. It's time to see a therapist. But I am going for a second opinion for a physchiatrist for an hour, and if I like her, I'll go to her and dump my other phychiatirst that I've had for the past 6.5 years. Can't there be such a thing as a therapist and physchiatrist wrapped in one?

[Bern]

Originally Posted by mapleleafgirl25

and like safarigal..i enjoy reading your posts as well..you have a good head on your shoulders..you will get through it all..and the one thing is you are aware of it..so that is very important...

Thanks

[Scott]

Originally Posted by elisa

Yanks - I feel that the issue with your dad is the reason you had these thoughts already before taking these pills.

i agree, there's a lot going on there..

scary thoughts are just thoughts, you won't act on them.. those of us that are a little obcessive just have a harder time letting them go as easily.. but it doesn't mean you're going to act on it.

[Scott]

cheryl do you ever have trouble with counting? sometimes i have that and it bugs me to no end.. actually I think i can remember counting as far back as 7th grade. I would always have to count in 3's for some reason. Then recently when i got off paxil it was terrible.. i would have to read the description of the tv show on the screen in the 5 seconds it was on the screen.. if i missed it i would have to go back and do it again. THEN, i would have to do this process again to somehow cancel out the first time doing it.. THEN a third time to somehow finalize it.. see youre not the only one.

[Bern]

I think I never had trouble with counting. My OCD was all about the rituals, obsessions, and bad thoughts. I think that I should have had trouble with counting becuase I am quite a math person...LOL.

That TV thing that you described sounds like an OCD thing. It's like an OCD counting ritual thing. My younger sister, who is 19 has to do some things like that too, and she doesn't have OCD. She always had to put the Ouigi board (it's a fake game where you talk to the dead) in the closet, close the door, and make the sign of a cross or something.

My OCD rituals were ridiculous. I watched, "Honey I Shrunk the Kids", and I thought that there were shrunken people everwhere, even strapped underneath my shoes. I wasn't afraid of stepping on them, but I was afraid that they couldn't get air, so I never use to sit or stand with my feet flat. I use to think that they were strapped in my ear and I didn't feel them, so I could never put my ear down on the pillow, or they wouldn't get air. I also used to think that they were strapped in a soccer ball, so I used to shake it, and put it to my ear so I could hear screaming.

Other rituals were I have to do some random thing before saying a curse in my head, or else someone would die or go to hell. I would call those threats. For example, I would have to step on a crack before I said curseword in my head, or I would go to hell. I also had to say a prayer without saying a curseword in my head, and if I did then someone would die or go to hell, then I would have to do it all over again. If I did say it in my head, then I would always go to my mom at the end of the day while she was reading, and ask her if everything was going to be ok. I did that for reassurance.

Soon, I compulsively washed my hands. I use to think that there was sperm on them, and I thought that I would get pregnant. I was convinnced I was pregnant at 14 when I practice abstinence. When the school taught us about HIV and aids when I was 10 or 11, they said that gay people get it too. Well, that past year, I kissed my sister, and I thought that just becuse I did that, I was gay, and becuase gay people get aids too, I was convinnced we had it. Sometimes I had weird sexual thoughts. I thought about oral sex before I knew that there was such thing. I also thought about people killing themselves before I was told that people could actually do that.

Then paxil was introduced to me, and all of this went away. Here I am trying to withdraw from this drug, and it's coming back. These are all of the reasons why I decided to go back on Luvox, and not increase my dosage on Paxil. Well, that was a nice babble.

[elisa]

Yanks - I am so sorry that you had to go through all the things you described.

Yet, I believe that there is always a reason what we think and do the things we do, whether consiously or not.

While I know very little about OCD, it is thought that there is an underlying feeling of anxiety, guilt for having bad thoughts and the ritual to get rid of these feelings begin. It can also be related in having low self esteem.

No-one in one particular family reacts to some problems in the same way because we are all different. Everyone in one family assumes a different "role" in order to achieve a sort of balance in the household. Like I was the "peace-pope" as my sister told me. The role she took on in the household was to be an additional mother, albeit a cruel one. This was not done consiously, but automatically.

There are psychiatrists out there who also practise talk therapy. They are not easy to find, since most of modern pshychiatry is based on medication alone. I am one of the lucky ones who has one and a good one at that as well!!

Going to talk therapy doesn't mean you will have to come out of the office all smiles!! It's hard work and it can be emotionally painful. The issues will be there until you've dealt with them, well... you know the word "bandaid", right?

Take care Yanks.

Yanks, my heart goes out for you. I'm sorry you went thru all these feelings. I was wondering do you have any close friends or someone to talk to in the middle of the night if you start feeling bad? I've never had thoughts of really hurting anyone except hurting myself. I actually did try to hurt myself and I almost died. Thats how I met Paxil. My husband admitted me in the hospital and let me tell you I was scared to death, I don't wanna back there. I felt like a prisoner.'' not fun'' I hope you really seek the therapist help, I know it's hard but remember you have this website. I'm thankful for it.

[Bern]

Yes...I know the word bandaid.....and I'm afraid of going to talk therapy and having it yanked off. But I know that I have to face my fears. I'll ask the next psychiatrist (that I'm going to a second opinion for) if she does talk therapy. I'm not seeing her until December 17. That's a while from now. I'm also afraid of bringing up the "T" word infront of my mom because she's just going to say, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" or something like that. But I know after I talk with her, she'll let me go. I guess it's hard for people without mental illnesses to understand what it is like going through. It can be a bit aggravating. But, within the last few days when my mom yelled at me for whatever reason, it had no affect on me whatsoever. I don't care when she disagrees with me...and that's not like me. It's strange.

[Bern]

Originally Posted by michelle

Yanks, my heart goes out for you. I'm sorry you went thru all these feelings. I was wondering do you have any close friends or someone to talk to in the middle of the night if you start feeling bad? I've never had thoughts of really hurting anyone except hurting myself. I actually did try to hurt myself and I almost died. Thats how I met Paxil. My husband admitted me in the hospital and let me tell you I was scared to death, I don't wanna back there. I felt like a prisoner.'' not fun'' I hope you really seek the therapist help, I know it's hard but remember you have this website. I'm thankful for it.

I'm sorry to hear what you went through too. How are you doing now?

I have no friends, and haven't since I've started college in the fall of 2002. But, my younger sister who is 19 is a good friend.

And, I'm very thankful for this website too. You people actually understand me and where I'm coming from. I don't think that anyone around me knows where I'm coming from. I've learned many important things from this website. And the most important thing I've realized that I was drinking alcohol for the wrong reasons. I don't think that there are any right reasons to drink alcohol. But that's a whole other subject.

[kizzie]

Yanks - when your mum yells at you take a deep breath and say something like 'there's no need to shout at me. I'll listen to what you've got to say but its very hard to take it in when you're shouting.'

Don't get into an argument with her just be absolutely, 100% certain that you aren't going to accept being shouted out. even to the point of repeating in your mind "I dont deserve to be shouted at, shouting is not a good way for adults to behave etc etc.'

The first time you do it she'll probably recoil and be shocked and it may even make her shout more but if you stick to your guns over time she'll accept that you aren't someone she can attack in this way.

You're right its very hard for people to understand and your mum is probably acting out of frustration. My mother is the same with me and Im in my 30's with my own children. Its also very hard for parents to realise that their children aren't people they can talk to in anyway they please.

Good luck!!

Kizziex

[Bern]

Originally Posted by kizzie

Yanks - when your mum yells at you take a deep breath and say something like 'there's no need to shout at me. I'll listen to what you've got to say but its very hard to take it in when you're shouting.

I told her a few times that she doesn't have to yell at me. She just brushes that off and doesn't yell again until a couple of days later. And for this, I guess that's why I just don't care when I get into an argument with her.

[kizzie]

Thats not suprising if she just keeps on and on. Think you're probably doing the right thing and protecting yourself a bit. I used to take it all too much to heart and get upset by it which I 'try' not to do now so much. Im glad youve got your sister to support you
Kizziex