Bad thoughts are DRIVING ME CRAZY

[sarah]

I have a mild case of ocd when it comes to counting. Everything has to add to 16 or 6 as they are my favourite numbers. Every card I write has to have 6 kisses at the end. I spend more time looking at number plates on cars, trying to get them to add up to 16, it's a wonder I can drive at all! And when it comes to watching anything on tv with a digital clock running, well bloody hell, I miss most of what I am supposed to be watching as I have to get the numbers right. I like the time 9:34 best. Don't like 5:56 as five is a lower number than six, so rightly should be first. I drive myself absolutely mad with it, but it has gotten better as I can actually cope if I haven't finished off the number, maybe ending on 15 instead, although I am not happy about it!! As to bad thoughts, back when my youngest was first born, I was diagnosed with post natal depression. I went in to my doctors surgery for my 6 week check and spent 45 minutes sobbing my heart out absolutely convinced that I was going to kill the two boys while we were in the car. I, of course, would survive the accident, and then I would plan how I would kill myself. This was all after having to tell hubby I had killed our children, then tell my parents I had killed their grandchildren, etc, etc, etc. Of course it didn't happen, thank god, and they are growing up healthy happy children, but every so often the thoughts creep up unannounced and I have to push them away. Basically, Yanks, what I am trying to say, is that quite a lot of people have bad thoughts, and a lot of people have some sort of ocd, but it doesn't make them crazy. You sound like you are very together, and you are very aware of what is happening to you. Be careful with the luvox. I am very anti anti depressants now, but I understand you need to finish school.
Loads of luck to you.
Sarah x

Yanks, thanks for asking. I am taking it one day at a time. I know how it is not to have friends. My problem is trusting people, people just don't understand. It's good you have your sister. College is supposed to be fun, enjoy your time there. I wish I went to college. But then again it's a good thing I didn't go I would of partied too much and learned nothing haha!!!! Drinking for the wrong reasons, yes I agree there's no right reason to drink. Drinking sometimes (to me) is okay, just as long as you drink responsibly. There's no reason your mother has the right to yell at you. Yelling just pushes me away, it makes me angry. I agree with Kizziex.

[MizzT]

Originally Posted by Yanks1083

I told her a few times that she doesn't have to yell at me. She just brushes that off and doesn't yell again until a couple of days later. And for this, I guess that's why I just don't care when I get into an argument with her.

My shrink told me something helpful while i was seeing her. "Ya gotta train 'em like the dogs they are"

Yanks....so your mom brushes it off and doesnt yell for a few days.....next time....do again....gently just like Kizzie said. there is no need to yell...i want to listen but please not so loud.
Eventually you will housebreak her and there will be less yelling around the house.
Ive gotten the yelling down to a bare minimum with my family finally.

i really dont do well with yelling.


As for the friends thing.....i dont have many friends at all anymore. many of them are on the east coast. Its a wonderful thing to have people here to chat with and who we see eye to eye with!
You're doing great Yanks! hang in there and you will pull thru all of this....ocd, meds...and even family!

[Scott]

Originally Posted by sarah

I like the time 9:34 best. Don't like 5:56 as five is a lower number than six, so rightly should be first.

but 3 is lower than 4 in 9:34 jk

[Scott]

Originally Posted by Yanks1083

And the most important thing I've realized that I was drinking alcohol for the wrong reasons. I don't think that there are any right reasons to drink alcohol. But that's a whole other subject.

[Bern]

Thanks you all for your words of encouragement. Whenever I feel bad, I like reading all of your posts. It makes me feel better.

Scott and Sarah: Have you talked to anyone about your OCD rituals? It might just be one symptom of OCD, and I know that that doesn't mean that you have OCD. I think that if it has become a problem in your life, then they say it's OCD.

As far as the yelling episodes go, I'll talk to her gently if she does it again. Sometimes I think that my parents are the ones that have the problems.:-? And I know it's normal to feel that way.

[Scott]

It's not as bad now plus it's not my biggest problem so it's not worth telling anyone about it.

[sarah]

Ah yes Scott, but 9 + 3 = 12 + 4 = 16. I like the way that adds up. Don't ask me why.
No Yanks, I haven't spoken to anyone about my ocd because it doesn't affect me in every day life, as a matter of fact I have just turned it in to an amusing quirk that I have. It's amazing though, when I tell anyone about it, how many people have these little rituals. Others look at me like I'm mad, but I don't let that bother me.
Sarah x

[Scott]

Originally Posted by sarah

Ah yes Scott, but 9 + 3 = 12 + 4 = 16. I like the way that adds up. Don't ask me why.

what about 9:43 see how the numbers flow from high to low and still add to 16?


jk sarah

[ragazza]

Originally Posted by sarah

Ah yes Scott, but 9 + 3 = 12 + 4 = 16. I like the way that adds up. Don't ask me why.[...] It's amazing though, when I tell anyone about it, how many people have these little rituals. Others look at me like I'm mad, but I don't let that bother me.
Sarah x

lol. I like the numbers 12 or 120 the best, and the time 9:39. I don't know why either, I just like them.

When I was younger I used to add up numbers and they had to be divisible by 4 or sometimes 12. I haven't done that in a while...maybe a few years. Maybe it was because I was bored in school or something, and now that I'm in college, I have to pay attention in class :-) Although sometimes when I rinse my hair in cold water after a shower (it's supposed to make it stay flat or something) I will count to 12. I never really considered it to be OCD because it doesn't lower my quality of life or anything, it's just something I do.

[sarah]

Yes Scott, but if you do it my way, 9+3+4 you get 12 + 4 = 16. I don't like 9+4+3 because you get 13+3 = 16. I like the # 12 as it sounds soft, I don't like 13 as it sounds hard!!! Confused yet?
Sarah x

[Scott]

ok sarah you win

[Cyndee]

Hello Yanks--those bad thoughts cause guilt in us, a very hurtful emotion. You have done nothing wrong. I had a friend who needed both anti-depressants and something for OCD--if she didn't take the OCD drug, she had bad thoughts and she did try to kill herself 3 times. Dearest Yanks--go your own way--it's hard, but you will feel in your heart the right way to proceed without everyone else telling you what to do (although the people here care very much about you, and provide their best efforts at relating their own experiences to help everyone.) I'll be looking for an update tomorrow, love,

[Cyndee]

Originally Posted by sarah

Ah yes Scott, but 9 + 3 = 12 + 4 = 16. I like the way that adds up. Don't ask me why.
No Yanks, I haven't spoken to anyone about my ocd because it doesn't affect me in every day life, as a matter of fact I have just turned it in to an amusing quirk that I have. It's amazing though, when I tell anyone about it, how many people have these little rituals. Others look at me like I'm mad, but I don't let that bother me.
Sarah x

Sarah--Quirks are definitely to be encouraged. And I've always thought that 16 was the perfect number, because 4 is such a perfect number, and 16 is 4 x 4! Perhaps we should start a new thread on quirks!

[Scott]

but i can't divide 16 by 3

[Bern]

Originally Posted by Cyndee

I'll be looking for an update tomorrow.

My update: I made a mistake. I had three glasses of wine with my dad, aunt and mom at Thanksgiving. My younger sister was on one side of me talking to my drunken dad who was saying something silly. My older sister was on the other side of me and she wants to own a bar and resturant. So I said to her, "This is what your going to have to deal with 24-7." My aunt cackled very loudly. My dad didn't hear me so he's like, "What did she say?" And my younger sister, who didn't drink at all told him. He said that he was insulted. It became quiet and everyone was looking at me. Then they started talking about something else. Later, when my dad was sitting in the living room by himself, I apoligized. Being drunk, he said, "All right". And then we started talking about history. I knew I should have never picked up those glasses of wine. But I forgive myself.

[silence4now]

Yanks, I'm really glad you feel safe enough to talk about this heer. Isn't it this a great group of supportive people? I am almost laughing here with relief to hear all of you say exactly what I have been feeling myself lately. I too have secret fantasies that my Mother would just DIE. I think its because it's our parents who can hurt and wound us the deepest. I was much like Safarigal in that I never had a father, he abandoned us when I was 3. Nor have I have much of a Mother because she was an alcoholic and very emotionally disturbed and still is to this day. I spent most of my twenties drinking and sleeping around to find who I was. Of course, there was only emptiness there. I also have a thing for older men because they seem more stable, grateful and attentive to my needs - they are essentially the father I never had. There is nothing wrong with that at all, as you seem to be completely aware of what is going on with you. Every relationship is based on a mutual need. There is a great book by Harville Hendrix called Getting The Love You Want that discusses this. This is how I learned WHY I did what I did. Sad that I had to learn it from a book, but at least i did. I ended up marrying a guy 7 years younger than me. He is an "old" soul who is years ahead of me emotionally and offers me all the stability I need.

I know that therapy is hard. It opens a lot of wounds and can be very painful. But at least it's opening you up and all the gunk is coming out. It's not sitting inside and brewing and festering. The pain doesn't last and then you feel better when its over and you can see more clearly. The body has a way of healing itself if you just let it all out.

[silence4now]

Has anyone ever seen the movie, Home for the Holidays, with Holly Hunter. I love this movie and watch it every year about this time. It's so funny and poignant. It reminds me that every family is dysfunctional in its own way.

[Cyndee]

Originally Posted by Scott27

but i can't divide 16 by 3

drop the '1' and divide the 6 by 3. If we're going to be this quirky we can cheat

[Cyndee]

But I forgive myself.

Yanks--celebrate your forgiveness. What a wonderful way to end your Thanksgiving story for us--it brightens my day considerably

[Bern]

Originally Posted by silence4now

Yanks, I'm really glad you feel safe enough to talk about this heer. Isn't it this a great group of supportive people? I am almost laughing here with relief to hear all of you say exactly what I have been feeling myself lately. I too have secret fantasies that my Mother would just DIE. I think its because it's our parents who can hurt and wound us the deepest. I was much like Safarigal in that I never had a father, he abandoned us when I was 3. Nor have I have much of a Mother because she was an alcoholic and very emotionally disturbed and still is to this day. I spent most of my twenties drinking and sleeping around to find who I was. Of course, there was only emptiness there. I also have a thing for older men because they seem more stable, grateful and attentive to my needs - they are essentially the father I never had. There is nothing wrong with that at all, as you seem to be completely aware of what is going on with you. Every relationship is based on a mutual need. There is a great book by Harville Hendrix called Getting The Love You Want that discusses this. This is how I learned WHY I did what I did. Sad that I had to learn it from a book, but at least i did. I ended up marrying a guy 7 years younger than me. He is an "old" soul who is years ahead of me emotionally and offers me all the stability I need.

I know that therapy is hard. It opens a lot of wounds and can be very painful. But at least it's opening you up and all the gunk is coming out. It's not sitting inside and brewing and festering. The pain doesn't last and then you feel better when its over and you can see more clearly. The body has a way of healing itself if you just let it all out.

Yes, it's wonderful that there are a lot of supportive people here! I'm glad that you almost laughed.

I'm sorry that you had to go through that with your mother. My parents have made mistakes that I don't want to repeat. If I become a parent:

1) I will not get drunk infront of my kids. If I want to get drunk, I'll call a babysitter and go out.
2) I will not say something to the nature of, "Oh your hair looks better like this." Becuase half of the time, the child will disagree with you.
3) I will always tell my children that I love them, and I'll make my husband say that too with sincerityand confidence, even if it hurts him or makes him feel like a little person.
4) There are a lot of other things too, but I'll stop here.

[Bern]

Originally Posted by Cyndee

Yanks--celebrate your forgiveness. What a wonderful way to end your Thanksgiving story for us--it brightens my day considerably

Ok!