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Old 04-06-2012, 05:07 PM   #1
IMISSME's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 814
11 months off...

11 months off as of yesterday. I have been reading everyone's posts who seem to be where I am at to some degree or another. I can totally relate to the way many describe how they feel. Glad to know this far out I am not alone. Also nice to know I wasn't the only one who found PP a bit late and was unwilling to risk reinstating but found myself on yet another AD med. The last 6 months have been worse then the previous 5, hard to believe. But even with all the suffering I feel like just maybe, things are moving forward.

Had a full panel of blood tests and saw my doctor today. I quit my cholesterol meds back in November because they made me feel worse. My levels were fine while I was dieting and losing weight but the anxiety from hell back in January had me so low in weight I ended up going to 15mg Remeron (having dropped to almost 4mg) and started eating all the crap again. So, I have gained back the weight but my cholesterol levels are sky high again. I just want to be off everything to see what it feels like to be med free, if only for a short time. But my doctor is compassionate and seems to understand whereas 5 months ago she was not very understanding.

I now believe the worst of the sleepless anxiety driven nights were based on me messing with my Remeron dosage. This last Friday I dropped from 15mg to 7.5mg and after 5 days I had one of those crazy, sleepless, anxiety ridden nights again. So, I don't know how I am going to tackle this. I mean I dose off for maybe 5 minutes then wake up screaming, then dose off again and repeat. Not fun for my girlfriend. The anxiety is so fierce that no med will touch it and tends to have the opposite effect (Xanax, Ambien, Unisom, Benadryl).

I also ended up on testosterone injections 2 months ago as my levels were way below the normal range. My levels have doubled and are now at the low end of normal. I firmly believe this is all paxil withdrawal related and things will get better with time. The Remeron is going to be a beast to kick though. Currently I am trying to stabilize on 7.5mg and stay there for 30 days. Then I may drop by half. I just don't want to go to the trouble of grinding it and weighing it.

I do compeletely relate with those who say generally they are just tired of feeling "unhealthy." That is how I feel. I don't enjoy food the way I would like. I don't really enjoy anything the way I used to. I would just love to crave a good steak. One thing my doctor and I did decide on is that I need to once again stop eating all junk foods, sugar, processed everything. I had lost so much weight back in January that I just went back to my old ways of eating crap a lot. I think that may be a factor.

I wasn't going to post another update until I really felt good but after meeting with my doctor today and relating to so many on this site I thought I would do an update. In summary, I still feel like crap but it seems to be a bit different now. Even though last night after a major stressor at work I was a complete mess and was up most of the night attempting to cry but ended up just screaming I somehow feel like things are changing. Maybe it is just learning more about myself, I don't know. But today being Good Friday I will go to church tonight and this weekend and try to find some extended peace for this poor, tired and battered brain.

I do plan to be a stonger and better person when this is all behind me. Thanks to all on this site who have suffered and are still around to help those of us who still second guess whether this will ever come to an end as it just feels permanent month after month. My windows are usually fairly short and the contrast between the wave and the window don't seem to be as distinct as they were back in the first months of all this. I don't know if that is a sign that things are slowly equalizing or what but I do seem to have windows more often lately but they are never more then half a day.

20 mg paxil 1998 for "night terrors"
2 attempts to quit mid 2000's
mid 2010, 10 mg after poopout
1 month 5 mg
5/5/2011 C/T'd
2 months physical symptoms minor bad thoughts then emotional hell, complete panic mid July
July 2011 started 15 mg Remeron for sleep
November 2013 at 1.0mg Remeron

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Old 04-06-2012, 09:05 PM   #2
miriza's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,577
Re: 11 months off...

Hi Greg! I've heard so many people start feeling some improvements between 12 and 18 months, so you may find your "corner to turn" soon! Truly hope so!

I totally relate to what you are saying that your windows and waves don't seem to be as distinct as in the beginning....for me, my "windows" are not as bright and my waves are not as hard (still horrible, but not psychosis-level at least). It seems to be the pattern for some people I've talked to.

Anyway, I hope your tapering of Remeron works out ok.
We'll get through this!!!
*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME!
75 mg -> 37.5 (12d)
37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia!
5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11)
Now in w/d hell and missing my old self.
Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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