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Old 04-05-2012, 11:37 PM   #1
cipher0413
 
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Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

Hi everyone!

This is my first time posting here.. I've found this website about 3 months ago, and have been reading a lot of posts here, and today,,, I just wanted to say hi and also start posting. I am in month 16 after my last dose.

I started taking Lexapro in October 2009, and I stopped taking it in December 2010. So You could say I took it about a little over a year. I cold turkeyed from 10mg, and starting in March/April 2011, I started having bad withdrawal symptoms: feeling as if I'll get schizophrenia and go crazy, restless, depersonalization, derealization, absent of personality, identity, emotions you name it. Physical symptoms such as brain zaps, dryness of mouth (unable to produce any saliva) eventually went away, I still have the muscle twitches here and there, on my knees, ankles, thighs, biceps, triceps, buttocks etc. Tightness of throat, I had it real bad for more than a whole year, it's now better. And many more symptoms, like crazy anger, hatred, negative thoughts, doomed feelings, "permanent" feelings, etc etc etc.. Too much to type all, right?

I don't know. All the things that I dreamed of becoming, the things that I used to enjoy, the things that used to hurt me, is non-existant now. The people I loved to the degree that it hurt, I don't feel for them anymore, I just became this person who couldn't care less about anything or anyone, and now, I am at this state that I couldn't care less about the fact that I couldn't care less. At least before, I was grieving (at least in my head) about the fact that I am in this state of apathy and anhedonia, but now even that I don't care anymore... You know?

Well. I wonder when my emotions will come back! It seems like emotions are the most essential part that makes up who we are. We need to be able to react to act. Nowadays, I act with my head, not with a heart. Anyways.

I just wanted to add. I don't know if this would help anyone, but what I realized is, recently I visited the psychiatrist, and there was this machine that measured the amount of stress the body had. What it measured was I guess, the reactiveness of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. He said that usually in a normally balanced person the ratio should be around 3 to 2, but for me, it came out like 6 to 1. Meaning it was in imbalance, and the sympathetic nervous system was overly stimulated and parasympathetic, under-stimulated.

I just thought that might have something to do with all the CNS hypersensitivity that a lot of people are talking about, as I also have trouble with drinking coffee, and insomnia and all. I never had insomnia ever in my life, in fact I had to sleep more than 14 hours a day, I could never get enough, but after the withdrawal, I found myself having insomnia. It happened about 8-10months after my last dose.

Oh, also, I did introduce the psychiatrist to this website, telling him that my symptoms are due to antidepressant withdrawal. I was able to be strong in telling him that it is withdrawal symptoms, and I think that's what got him interested in this website that I kept talking about, since I told him I'm sure it is withdrawal without backing down. He tried to reason with me that, if that is true, how is it possible that the FDA allows such medication to be on the market, and I told him, that's PRECISELY what all these people are talking about, how the hell are these sorts of medications approved by the FDA and being sold to people. I only realized there's nothing perfect in the world, and even the big and supposedly trustworthy organisations like FDA has its faults. Honestly. Why would they pull certain drugs off the market after years and years of selling them which wouldn't have happened if they did the right job from the first place. Anyways, the psychiatrist seemed,,, I guess reasonable, and since I took a real strong stance it persuaded him to think he could be wrong and got him interested in visiting this website. Not that it matters much (since I don't care about anything these days.) Anyways, if it weren't for this website... I probably would've easily backed down to what the doctors told me and could've gone back to another antidepressant........ thinking I need them for the rest of my life. I just hope I get better. Be myself again. I wonder when that would happen... I wonder...

Anyways. Think I wrote too much for you to read, just wanted to say hi.

Peace to you all.
MJ
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Old 04-06-2012, 12:24 AM   #2
julieannboo
 
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

Welcome to the board.

Just to say that you are not alone in feeling this way. I am feeling exactly the same about people, my appearance, interest in things, etc.

Hopefully people on here will be able to give you advice and support.

Have a good day.
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Staying on 10mg - for the time being.
Pleased i am on half my original dose.
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Old 04-06-2012, 08:01 AM   #3
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

The malaise will pass and your emotions will return...it takes time. Welcome to the board by the way. There are a lot of good people here.

What were you on ate what dosage and for how long? It would be helpful to all that to tour signature. Also, did you taper or quit cold turkey?

All of these things will pass and will take time. In the meantime it does suck, but it is part of the process. Force yourself to do things and to make yourself look good, even if you don't feel like it...go for short walks and get some air...stay away from stimulants like booze and coffe and B vitamins......

These meds are in my opinion, dangerous. However society wants quick fixes and do not want to address the stresses and sad things of life as normal things....no one wants to deal with grief as a natural thing any more, for example.

So that is why these drugs are on the market....and they make billions of dollars in revenue.
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Old 04-06-2012, 08:36 AM   #4
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

Paxilgirl, you rule! Nice picture, btw =)
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Old 04-06-2012, 09:33 AM   #5
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

I have the same thing going on. I have written a letter to my Dr to tell him about this site and the things I read here. He is understanding and very open minded and I hope he at least considers it. He recognized it could take a year to get back to normla after SSRI use, and for a Dr that's a big admission. He is very suspicious of drug companies and listens to his patients, that is why I have kept him even though I now live an hour away from his practice. He is conservative with all meds, even anti-biotics. I have heard a lot of stories about people whose emotional range returns. I am waiting for my day too. I have had anhedonia since I took 20mg of Paxil last summer. I'm tapering very slow and have accepted it might be a long time before I can "feel" again. But we will. THis isn't a permanent state, I have read and read trying to find out if it is, and everything I see tells me it will go away and we'll get our feelings back again.
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Old 04-06-2012, 05:28 PM   #6
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

Great job being firm and knowledgeable with your doctor, cipher. There's a LOT of PPers doing this now, and it sounds like there's a few doctors who are beginning to change, or at least to more rigorously question, their belief in these drugs. The world changes a teaspoonful at a time, and everyone here is contributing to that.
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Old 04-06-2012, 08:19 PM   #7
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

MJ--A belated welcome to PP. I'm still in the middle of my taper but can totally relate to the lack of feelings, it was /is one of the main reasons I wanted off. I use to say "I don't given enough to not give a s**t". It ended up causing a lot of problems especally in the drinking department. I was putting awy 12-14 ounces of vodka a night and didn't care a bit about what it was doing to me. Didn't care about work,my home, getting up or going to bed etc. However, it has started to go away and is not nearly as strong when it is here. So I am willing to bet that it will eventually clear up for you too.

You didn't mention how you came off the Lexapro, taper? CT? that info really helps. Oh an btw such a well orginized and writen post shows that there is some careing in there some where. It just has to find its way out.
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1994 started 20mg Paxil,1999 30mg,2005 40mg
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01/2013 dropped to 11.1mg
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Old 04-07-2012, 12:32 AM   #8
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

Hi all..!

Thanks for all your welcome. I cold-turkeyed and I did put more details in my signature as you suggested.

I have been reading many posts here for about 3 months nearly, and I do realize there are some great help and support here. I'm sure if only I could feel more, I would be able to feel so grateful and relieved that this website exists. Wonder what it would be like to meet up when we're all through this nonsense and when we're back to ourselves, have a cup of tea and just chat and have a good time.

Anyways, again, thanks for all your replies. I hope to talk to you all again soon.

MJ
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October 2009 Started taking Lexapro 20mg regularly
December 2010 Cold turkeyed from 10mg Lexapro
March-April 2011 Started noticing bad symptoms
December 2011 Realized all the bad symptoms were due to withdrawal, found PP and Drugs.com
April 2012 Better than I am 1 year ago but with no emotions and lingering symptoms
October 2012 A small but definite shift experienced, still progressing

Summary Was on Lexapro for 14 months, Cold-turkeyed, Now Month 22 since last dose.
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Old 04-10-2012, 09:58 AM   #9
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

just hang in there guys, it is the worst thing i have ever been through in my life, but you know what, i have turned it into a spiritual experience, i have learnt to not worry about anything. just keep telling yourself that it will pass with time
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Jan 08 - 10mg
Nov 08 - 5mg
Jan 09 - 0mg stopped
May 09 - bad wave
Oct 09 - bad wave
Mar 10 - bad wave - upped omega 3 dose and started taking magnesium
Apr 12 - feel tired all the time, getting there.
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Old 04-11-2012, 02:55 AM   #10
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

hi no-fear, thanks for the reply... from your signature I can tell that you stopped taking antidepressants more than three years ago... If I may ask, which one did you take? And are you feeling the apathy and no-fear symptoms still to this date?...

I also have that no stress, no fear attitude.. I just don't seem to get that upset easily, as I would've pre-lexapro (I took lexapro by the way). I was just wishing at least in 2,3 years time I would be able to more emotions back and feel more like my old self again.. Do you feel any different from what you were 1, 2 years ago? Also what sort of symptoms did you have and what sort of symptoms do you have now?

Thanks.. It's a lot of questions..
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October 2009 Started taking Lexapro 20mg regularly
December 2010 Cold turkeyed from 10mg Lexapro
March-April 2011 Started noticing bad symptoms
December 2011 Realized all the bad symptoms were due to withdrawal, found PP and Drugs.com
April 2012 Better than I am 1 year ago but with no emotions and lingering symptoms
October 2012 A small but definite shift experienced, still progressing

Summary Was on Lexapro for 14 months, Cold-turkeyed, Now Month 22 since last dose.
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Old 04-12-2012, 09:42 AM   #11
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

I was on Seroxat (paroxetine). I used to feel really off-balanced and dizzy all the time and felt like that for about half a year, but it went away. At the moment the main symptoms that i feel are tired pretty much all the time and my muscles feel quite fatigued and weak, still have a stuffy head and my eyes feel strained most of the time. I still get bouts of mild depression, but i had them even before the meds and even whilst on the meds. All through withdrawal i have had a full time job, which i still have, but it gets tough at times. i certainly feel a lot better now than like 2 years ago, it just feels more physical symptoms now.
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Feb 05 - 20mg
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July 07 - 20mg (discovered CBT)
Jan 08 - 10mg
Nov 08 - 5mg
Jan 09 - 0mg stopped
May 09 - bad wave
Oct 09 - bad wave
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Apr 12 - feel tired all the time, getting there.
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Old 04-14-2012, 04:15 AM   #12
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

Hey no-fear.. Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. It is amazing how your kept a full-time job in your state, I think it is evidence of how strong a person you must be! I see.. I'm relieved to hear that at least a lot of the emotional symptoms have passed for you, and I can also relate to many of your physical symptoms.. I think somehow, the ADs really mess up with your muscles. My muscles have been twitching for so long, and not just the eye muscles, but my thigh, my arms, my heart, I feel, sometimes, even my womb is constricting, and nope, I'm not having a baby!

Hope your physical symptoms will improve in the near future as well..

MJ
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October 2009 Started taking Lexapro 20mg regularly
December 2010 Cold turkeyed from 10mg Lexapro
March-April 2011 Started noticing bad symptoms
December 2011 Realized all the bad symptoms were due to withdrawal, found PP and Drugs.com
April 2012 Better than I am 1 year ago but with no emotions and lingering symptoms
October 2012 A small but definite shift experienced, still progressing

Summary Was on Lexapro for 14 months, Cold-turkeyed, Now Month 22 since last dose.
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Old 04-17-2012, 08:28 PM   #13
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

Yes Cipher! This definitely does pass! You sound exactly like me and how I felt just a few months ago I just wanted to say that i felt very worried just like you that everything i cared about before i just stopped caring completely and the thing that bothered me the most was that I was content in that not caring. I would watch people all around me getting excited about things having goals and wants and desires and I would look at them and feel like I was from another planet because I literally could not comprehend or relate to what they were feeling. It was a very sad time for me. But I can tell you with 100% certainty that this too will pass! I'm feeling a lot more these days, not completely back to normal if I can even remember what normal is anymore its been so long, but I definitely can say that feeling you describe of not caring is definitely past. So heres to you good luck.
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Old 04-18-2012, 07:18 AM   #14
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

Hi axis74.. Thanks alot for your reply and your reassurance. I see that you also stopped taking your meds cold turkey just about the same time as I did..! I'm very glad to hear that you are feeling better, although not completely back to normal, but that you are now at a better place, I only hope it keeps improving for you. I do notice in the past week or so that things are a bit more different for me too.. Good luck to you too and guess I'll see you around here more often

MJ
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October 2009 Started taking Lexapro 20mg regularly
December 2010 Cold turkeyed from 10mg Lexapro
March-April 2011 Started noticing bad symptoms
December 2011 Realized all the bad symptoms were due to withdrawal, found PP and Drugs.com
April 2012 Better than I am 1 year ago but with no emotions and lingering symptoms
October 2012 A small but definite shift experienced, still progressing

Summary Was on Lexapro for 14 months, Cold-turkeyed, Now Month 22 since last dose.
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Old 04-18-2012, 12:52 PM   #15
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

Hey Cipher - I notice in your sugnature you ct'd in Dec/10 and didn't find this site until 1 year later. I'm curious, how the HECK did you get through 1 year of absolute hell (with those scary obsessive thoughts of schizophrenia, racy thoughts, being crazy etc) did you get through this period not knowing what was happening to you? I ask because mnths 4-7 were SO awful for me with these symptoms and that's about when I found PP. It literally saved me life!! Kudos to you, you must be a VERY strong person. There is no way I would have survived that without knowing it was wd. And you stayed off meds all this time??
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- 1998-2002: Celexa 20mg
- 2002-2010: Paxil 20mg
- 2009 - 20-0 mg paxil in 5 mnths(with prozac)
- 2009 (Dec): reinstated after 4 mnths off (crash)
- 2009 Dec -2010 Nov: Paxil 20mg
- 2010 Nov: switched to Zoloft 50mg (Paxil poop)
- 2011 Mar: tapered Zoloft (5.5 mnths)
- March: 37.5mg for 2 weeks
- April: 25 mg for 2 weeks
- April: 12.5mg for 18 weeks
AD free since Sept 4th, 2011
- Feb - March 2012: Crashed
- May 2012 - Finally seeing SOME real windows
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Old 04-19-2012, 03:13 AM   #16
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

Lmac..! It's really interesting, I was actually waiting for someone to notice that in my signature.. and you have! Yes. I only found this website 1 year after my last pill. Well.. okay... my supposedly last pill. I didn't have any space to write in my signature (500 words limit?), but Yes, I did actually try out Effexor for about 1 week sometime in May 2011, and also there was times where I re-instated my lexapro for 1-2 week period sometime in February 2011 and maybe April 2011. Also, there was this one-off dose of Wellbutrin I had sometime in June/July 2011. Lastly, sometime in December 2011, I took another one-off dose of leaxapro, yeap, and it felt.. HORRIBLE, gosh. I did record it on my calendar which I don't have currently so it's approximate dates. So yes,, when I said my last pill, it wasn't really my last pill, not technically! But I consider myself, the real, main withdrawal started when I c/t'd off lexapro in December 2010, so I omitted all the other what I believe are minor details. All the short-lived try-outs in 2011 (totalling up to about 4 weeks of antidepressants in my system for the whole year of 2011),,, it didn't become like a regular thing as I felt it did not reverse my unknown hellish situation, and didn't continue on with it as I didn't want to be taking any antidepressants long term. I was just really really desperate not knowing what was happening to me and feeling soooo soooo crazy and just tried and see if my state changed, but,,,, not really. And it wouldn't have, since the big withdrawal already started happening, and the try-outs were not long enough.

Ugh.. I feel like a bit of a cheater and liar now! I prob should've written in the signature, which I'll try again. Oh, but yes, to answer your question, how the heck did I survive through without knowing for a year.. I actually had other theories thinking that, whatever these crazy symptoms are... are either due to the Roaccutane (isotretinoin) I had been taking in January-February 2011, which made sense to me since the timing of when the symptoms appeared (March) matched more with the instatement of this acne medication (Jan/Feb) rather than the stopping of my lexapro (Dec). Not only that, the first symptom I realised was severe dryness of mouth, I couldn't produce saliva at all, and since Roaccutane is known to just suck all the oil and water from your system, that's how I linked it. The dryness of mouth can only be due to Roaccutane, can't be due to stopping Lexapro..??!! Also another theory was that I was having all these symptoms due to psychological reasons. Like the psychological trauma I went through in 2009 (Oh... it's too much to be calling it a 'trauma' but... it is the reason I went on the meds in the first place...), and whatever was unresolved, I thought it came back at me with a full force. Although, always, at the back of my head, I thought that there COULD be a possibility that the stopping of lexapro could be the reason, but I was never never ever sure, and I only became so sure, when I found this website, which was indeed, one year from my cold-turkey date... I also have.. no idea how I survived last year I was in my 4th year of.. my pharmacy degree... and somehow... I managed to graduate.. I had to. Really. I think it actually helped not knowing it was withdrawal when I look back, cause if I had known... I could've given up giving myself reasons to give up. That I'm in withdrawal, I might need to take time off 2-3 years until I get better, etc. I just didn't have the luxury to do that, even now, I don't.. I have to finish my internship of 1 year.. (Here in Australia..) And the anhedonia helps with the stress. Ha... Funny how things work out sometimes.

So.. I think it was the other two theories that I held onto, which kinda got me through that year.. I remember, how much I regretted taking Roaccutane, thinking that was the precise cause of my symptoms... (Roaccutane is known to cause mood disorders... I just thought somehow I had a really bad reaction to it... and sincerely and severely regretted having taken it just to get a better skin, when I didn't know it was withdrawal related.)
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October 2009 Started taking Lexapro 20mg regularly
December 2010 Cold turkeyed from 10mg Lexapro
March-April 2011 Started noticing bad symptoms
December 2011 Realized all the bad symptoms were due to withdrawal, found PP and Drugs.com
April 2012 Better than I am 1 year ago but with no emotions and lingering symptoms
October 2012 A small but definite shift experienced, still progressing

Summary Was on Lexapro for 14 months, Cold-turkeyed, Now Month 22 since last dose.
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Old 04-19-2012, 07:01 AM   #17
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

Cipher!! OMG, no, I commend you even more for all that you've been through. That's why asked how you weathered through wd for a year without knowing. I definately would have tried more meds here and there if I had no idea what was going on. I would have been so terrified I was going crazy. Actually, I WAS terrified I'm going crazy, even after I discovered PP. The support gives faith and understanding but definately does not reduce the intensity while in the thick of things. I'm so glad you found a couple of theories and they helped you get going. AND you finished a pharmacy degree ontop of it. I couldn't even go to work anymore and am still off. That's amazing for you. And in pharmacy to boot! How ironic! I bet you will have no prblem compounding these drugs for people
At first as things started to get really intense for me, I thought I was going through some kind of spiritual awakening as I too all off a sudden had my past and all the awful things that I thought I've dealt with come back full force, in such a strange, phenominal way, I thought it was some kind of awakening. But then it got so so bad and unbearable, then I thought I must be losing my marbles - until I found PP. In a way this whole process HAS been a spiritual awakening for me because I am so different know, I'm dealing with and have dealt with all the garbage of my past, I'm clearing the way for a strong, positive future and once I get through this worst time in my life, all I want to do is to help others who are suffering in some way! I truly believe, those of us who have come through the other side of this and remain without meds have probably gone through the WORST mental anguish and suffering there possibly could be. We will be able to handle ANYTHING after this!
I truly believe the worst possible thing anyone could ever go through is feeling and thinking they have completely lost their minds and control over themself and to not have the hope and help of our medical system and society. To me, nothing could ever top this! Definately the truest test of strength and self love!!
I'm proud of you for getting through one of the toughest times and still accomplishing so much!!
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Lmac
- 1998-2002: Celexa 20mg
- 2002-2010: Paxil 20mg
- 2009 - 20-0 mg paxil in 5 mnths(with prozac)
- 2009 (Dec): reinstated after 4 mnths off (crash)
- 2009 Dec -2010 Nov: Paxil 20mg
- 2010 Nov: switched to Zoloft 50mg (Paxil poop)
- 2011 Mar: tapered Zoloft (5.5 mnths)
- March: 37.5mg for 2 weeks
- April: 25 mg for 2 weeks
- April: 12.5mg for 18 weeks
AD free since Sept 4th, 2011
- Feb - March 2012: Crashed
- May 2012 - Finally seeing SOME real windows
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Old 04-19-2012, 07:02 AM   #18
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

Cipher!! OMG, no, I commend you even more for all that you've been through. That's why asked how you weathered through wd for a year without knowing. I definately would have tried more meds here and there if I had no idea what was going on. I would have been so terrified I was going crazy. Actually, I WAS terrified I'm going crazy, even after I discovered PP. The support gives faith and understanding but definately does not reduce the intensity while in the thick of things. I'm so glad you found a couple of theories and they helped you get going. AND you finished a pharmacy degree ontop of it. I couldn't even go to work anymore and am still off. That's amazing for you. And in pharmacy to boot! How ironic! I bet you will have no prblem compounding these drugs for people
At first as things started to get really intense for me, I thought I was going through some kind of spiritual awakening as I too all off a sudden had my past and all the awful things that I thought I've dealt with come back full force, in such a strange, phenominal way, I thought it was some kind of awakening. But then it got so so bad and unbearable, then I thought I must be losing my marbles - until I found PP. In a way this whole process HAS been a spiritual awakening for me because I am so different know, I'm dealing with and have dealt with all the garbage of my past, I'm clearing the way for a strong, positive future and once I get through this worst time in my life, all I want to do is to help others who are suffering in some way! I truly believe, those of us who have come through the other side of this and remain without meds have probably gone through the WORST mental anguish and suffering there possibly could be. We will be able to handle ANYTHING after this!
I truly believe the worst possible thing anyone could ever go through is feeling and thinking they have completely lost their minds and control over themself and to not have the hope and help of our medical system and society. To me, nothing could ever top this! Definately the truest test of strength and self love!!
I'm proud of you for getting through one of the toughest times and still accomplishing so much!!
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Lmac
- 1998-2002: Celexa 20mg
- 2002-2010: Paxil 20mg
- 2009 - 20-0 mg paxil in 5 mnths(with prozac)
- 2009 (Dec): reinstated after 4 mnths off (crash)
- 2009 Dec -2010 Nov: Paxil 20mg
- 2010 Nov: switched to Zoloft 50mg (Paxil poop)
- 2011 Mar: tapered Zoloft (5.5 mnths)
- March: 37.5mg for 2 weeks
- April: 25 mg for 2 weeks
- April: 12.5mg for 18 weeks
AD free since Sept 4th, 2011
- Feb - March 2012: Crashed
- May 2012 - Finally seeing SOME real windows
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:10 AM   #19
aberdeen
 
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

Wow, I can relate somewhat, I started having reactions to Effexor in June of 2010, and assumed it was marital problems and business stress as we had just started a family business (well my husband did). This went on and off until December of that year when I figured I might be having a nervous breakdown. Due to extreme fatigue and anxiety (anxiety like I had never experienced before) my Dr suggested it was severe sleep deprivation and ordered a sleep study, so for a few months I thought I had sleep apnea and the sleep disruption was causing the anxiety and other symptoms. When that didn't give me answers my Dr said we should try getting off Effexor (thank God for him) So now I blamed Effexor and thought I'd feel awesome when it left my system...which I did. Only for one month. After that I began serious w/d but still didn't know what it was and this time I blamed the next 2 SSRI's I was trying out. It wasn't until early summer (one year later) that I found PP and by now had done what you did, blamed everything I could think of for how I felt. I even quit a small business I had and left the craft store where I was selling my work...because I thought I was having a breakdown and needed to take a break from....I don't know....my life I guess. When I finally started to see the whole picture and put the pieces together, I felt so much better. Now I understand. Still, it would be even more reassuring to have a Dr tell me everything that Paxilprogress has told me. THis is a rough road, and we're all going to come out so strong!
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2 Timothy 1:7: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

2005-2010 Effexor XR 112.5mg-262.5mg for PPD
June-Dec 2010 Poop-out (crash)
3 month cross taper off Effexor onto 40mg Cipralex, switched to 20mg Celexa, switched to 20mg Paxil
Nothing helped except waiting 7 months to stabilize on Paxil then starting to taper:
Oct'11 to Nov '12 20mg-10mg
March'13 to Feb'14 9mg -4mg
Feb 7/14-4.0mg
April 1/14-3.6mg
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Old 04-19-2012, 11:00 AM   #20
cipher0413
 
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

@lmac: Lmac..! I do agree. The support I get from here did help me understand things, but it didn't do much to reduce the intensity when it was at its worst.. Nothing was there to help.. I sometimes am shocked by the amount and level of suffering I had to go through. It somehow feels to the point where it was inhuman to have gone through that. It was a different level, different dimension of pain, something not ordinary people would go through, and the thought that it was chemically induced and.. just... horrifically awful.. I applaud you, and am amazed to hear you say that once you get through what you're going through, all you want to do is to help others suffering in the same way.. How amazing that is for you to be able to say that even whilst going through the thick of things. I wasn't like that. Even now, it's hard to be like that for me. I sometimes get sad you know, that however screwed up and miserable and insecure and depressed and melancholic person I was pre-lexapro, I still had the will and heart to go through it and overcome it, to find peace within myself.. But now,, sometimes what I feel is that, I have been robbed of that opportunity... to overcome my personal miseries, as myself, being myself. I know I should try to look it at a positive way, that I have gone through what I consider the WORST possible mental anguish any human being could possibly go through, so I would feel invincible and think 'whew, the worst is over. it's only uphill from here'. But I sometimes find myself missing the old me. Can't help it. ha.

Oh yeah, about the spiritual awakening part. Interestingly enough, while I was at my worst, I had a free university counsellor (She also told me of her experience of having taken prozac for 6 months due to post-partum depression, but had a poop out, and since then cold turkeyed and never looked back) and she recommended me this book called 'Anatomy of the spirit' by Caroline Myss. I thought it can't hurt to have a look, downloaded in amazon, and first came to find the existence of medical intuitives... Oh, actually this isn't the relevant story. I also remember myself thinking about spiritual awakening during that time, and I think it was after I read some books on depersonalisation. It was I think April 2011 when my GP at school (He was the one who gave me samples for the 1 weeks worth of Effexor...) mentioned the word depersonalisation after having heard all my symptoms 'I have no feelings, I feel apathetic, I don't feel like myself etc', and I let that word past my mind, but somehow remembered it in September 2011, and did some research, then I found more books on amazon, and somewhere it mentions that eople who go through DP/DR actually sometimes describe it as some kind of spiritual awakening. I could've read it on wikepedia even but. if you're interested I found reading these books helpful in describing what I went through: 'Depersonalisation: A new look at a neglected syndrome (Maurio Sierra)' and also 'Feeling unreal: Depersonalisation disorder and the loss of self (Daphne Simeon)'. I'm sure there are other books too but, but the book by Sierra was really informative... somewhere it must explain about the having spiritual awakening kind of feeling.. I once thought that too, but I also thought that, it's too cruel a feeling to be named a spiritual awakening...

Thank you also, for your amazingly kind words.. I don't know how you can be so wonderful to others even while when you say you're at your worst. I only started posting on this website recently, because only now I begin to feel for others going through the same thing, and wanted to say encouraging things. Oh and the pharmacy degree.. Have a lot to say about that too, but, yeah.. when we learn about antidepressants.. Ugh. The level of information we learn. is appalling and frightful. And the quotes that we learn to use to convince and persuade patients to keep taking their medicine... and to help them make 'feel' better about the fact that they have to be swallowing down meds for their 'moods'... UGH............. I can't believe myself for never having questioned that, feel disgusted about having just trying to absorb all those information, thinking I am becoming a better pharmacist and health carer by doing so.. People are just kidding themselves. The whole medical community, is just kidding themselves, thinking that people need these meds and that they are doing good by encouraging people to take these meds. It's just something about this branch of medicine called psychiatry that feels somehow so different from all other areas of medicine. I mean. I was always interested in psychology and psychiatry, but not about the part of using chemicals to control psychological issues, you know. But somehow, even with that belief in my system, I still couldn't dodge this bullet... I was just at my worst and.. just couldn't dodge this bullet...

@aberdeen: Yeap, yeap, aberdeen.. I suppose it wasn't just me feeling that way, blaming everything else for the symptoms, except for the 'absence' of that drug in my system. It's hard to connect since, you only go on thinking that something has 'caused' it due to being 'inside' my system, not because it has 'left' my system... And it certainly will have been more reassuring had the doctors knew more than all of us do now. But it would be more reassuring, if doctors can somehow come up with some management plans for this kind of protacted w/d syndrome, without having to stuff down more meds into our system. I know for sure that day would come, that day when ALL doctors on this planet will have learned of this from their medical textbooks, and INFORM patients of the possibility and percentage that they might go through this once they stop the meds, and then help them make an INFORMED decision. Then only, we can say that doctors were responsible for their behaviours, of prescribing these meds to us... My friend said, 'hey isn't it still you who made the choice to get the prescription dispensed, and bought them, and have swallowed them down with a glass of water everyday?' meaning, 'shouldn't you also take responsibility of the choice you made?' but. I fought back, telling her, that will only be the case had I been informed of the possibility that I'll be feeling like a nutcase for years once I stop the meds. Then maybe I would've been responsible, but no, although generally I should be aware and know it as a common sense that all meds have side effects, and meds are only used when the benefit outweighs the risk, as i was not made AWARE of these risks and side effects, it's hard to say that somehow I brought this onto myself... But she is a good friend, only trying to help me see things from a different perspective, but, yeah, I got a bit frustrated when she said that.

Sorry.. I digressed.
__________________
October 2009 Started taking Lexapro 20mg regularly
December 2010 Cold turkeyed from 10mg Lexapro
March-April 2011 Started noticing bad symptoms
December 2011 Realized all the bad symptoms were due to withdrawal, found PP and Drugs.com
April 2012 Better than I am 1 year ago but with no emotions and lingering symptoms
October 2012 A small but definite shift experienced, still progressing

Summary Was on Lexapro for 14 months, Cold-turkeyed, Now Month 22 since last dose.
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Old 04-19-2012, 03:09 PM   #21
lmac
 
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

Cipher - I Too am incredibly shocked at the amount of suffering involved in this. If I was even told there may be a slight chance of drug withdrawal from this stuff, I would never have taken it to begin with! I agree as well, this is way too cruel to label it a spiritual Awakening. LoL. The Psyciatry branch of medicine - it angers me so much. I don't even want to think about that ridiculous, pathetic monopoly! (I'm having some resentment towards the medical system right now).
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Lmac
- 1998-2002: Celexa 20mg
- 2002-2010: Paxil 20mg
- 2009 - 20-0 mg paxil in 5 mnths(with prozac)
- 2009 (Dec): reinstated after 4 mnths off (crash)
- 2009 Dec -2010 Nov: Paxil 20mg
- 2010 Nov: switched to Zoloft 50mg (Paxil poop)
- 2011 Mar: tapered Zoloft (5.5 mnths)
- March: 37.5mg for 2 weeks
- April: 25 mg for 2 weeks
- April: 12.5mg for 18 weeks
AD free since Sept 4th, 2011
- Feb - March 2012: Crashed
- May 2012 - Finally seeing SOME real windows
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Old 04-19-2012, 03:11 PM   #22
miriza
 
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

Unfortunately, in any case, this experience has made me less spiritual...sad, very sad
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*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME!
*Elavil:
75 mg -> 37.5 (12d)
Imipramine:
37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia!
5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11)
Now in w/d hell and missing my old self.
Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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Old 04-21-2012, 02:09 AM   #23
cipher0413
 
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Re: Couldn't care less.. Does this pass?

Yeap... Actually... It does somewhat make me feel less spiritual. That part sometimes makes me sad..
__________________
October 2009 Started taking Lexapro 20mg regularly
December 2010 Cold turkeyed from 10mg Lexapro
March-April 2011 Started noticing bad symptoms
December 2011 Realized all the bad symptoms were due to withdrawal, found PP and Drugs.com
April 2012 Better than I am 1 year ago but with no emotions and lingering symptoms
October 2012 A small but definite shift experienced, still progressing

Summary Was on Lexapro for 14 months, Cold-turkeyed, Now Month 22 since last dose.
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