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Old 04-07-2012, 02:25 PM   #1
lmac
 
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Feeling down today......

So I thought I would go out for a bit....
Went to a nice little town to browse some shops. I used to LOVE Spring and buying stuff for our backyard. Looking at things really upset me because I feel like there is no point in buying anything, or setting up my backyard this year! I feel so empty, like I have no hobbies, likes or ambition for anything. It made me feel worse seeing everyone walk with a spring (no pun intended) in their steep. They all look like they have a purpose and I feel like I don't have one. What a HORRIBLE feeling. And having a husband and daughter makes this so much worse. I feel like they're waiting everyday for me to just be better. Its been so darn long, and I see it in their faces. Sometimes I feel like they'd just be better off without me. Like maybe I should move away on my own.
I just seriously have a hard time believing I can still feel this way on and off at 7 mnths posts ssri's. It just can't be wd. It just can't. And I keep getting these hot flashes (I can feel it in my head, neck and chest).
__________________
Lmac
- 1998-2002: Celexa 20mg
- 2002-2010: Paxil 20mg
- 2009 - 20-0 mg paxil in 5 mnths(with prozac)
- 2009 (Dec): reinstated after 4 mnths off (crash)
- 2009 Dec -2010 Nov: Paxil 20mg
- 2010 Nov: switched to Zoloft 50mg (Paxil poop)
- 2011 Mar: tapered Zoloft (5.5 mnths)
- March: 37.5mg for 2 weeks
- April: 25 mg for 2 weeks
- April: 12.5mg for 18 weeks
AD free since Sept 4th, 2011
- Feb - March 2012: Crashed
- May 2012 - Finally seeing SOME real windows
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Old 04-07-2012, 02:38 PM   #2
aberdeen
 
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Re: Feeling down today......

It must be w/d! I feel the same way and sadly this is the third spring that has been this way. I'm starting to feel like this is just who i am now, but brief windows remind me that it isn't. My backyard has gone to crap and my gardens died. 3 years is too long for a neglected yard to keep going. The first year was poop out, then it was massive withdrawal the second spring, and this spring is either still Effexor w/d or paxil w/d or Paxil...but I refuse to believe it's me or age. People don't just stop living because they get near 40. I totally get you. I don't even bother doing the little shopping trips or fun stuff in the hjopes of cheering myself up because it doesn't work, makes me feel kinda sad, like you said. Maybe having felt this way so many times I'm used to it and it doesn't freak me out anymore. I know I've almost stopped looking at the calendar. It has to be drug related, I have never felt this way in my life prior to these last 2-3 years. It's a darn good thing I'm Christian because I know I have a better life coming after this one, with all the gradens and life I could ever want!!
__________________
2 Timothy 1:7: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

2005-2010 Effexor XR 112.5mg-262.5mg for PPD
June-Dec 2010 Poop-out (crash)
3 month cross taper off Effexor onto 40mg Cipralex, switched to 20mg Celexa, switched to 20mg Paxil
Nothing helped except waiting 7 months to stabilize on Paxil then starting to taper:
Oct'11 to Nov '12 20mg-10mg
March'13 to Feb'14 9mg -4mg
Feb 7/14-4.0mg
April 1/14-3.6mg
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Old 04-07-2012, 03:36 PM   #3
lmac
 
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Re: Feeling down today......

Aw, Aberdeen, you've been at this for so long. Isn't so sad that we just can't seem to attend to our gardens and such??!! I cnt even convince myself that it just NEEDS to be done. You totally get the feelings I'm having but how can I still have them 7 mnths out? I know some people say it can take a year or so when I'm feeling like this, it just seems like this must be me because I don't have meds in my system anymore so its hard to believe I can still feel this rollercoaster ride!! At what point do you draw the line and decide this is just what I've become? I'm afraid to wake up everyday as I don't know WHAT will happen next.
__________________
Lmac
- 1998-2002: Celexa 20mg
- 2002-2010: Paxil 20mg
- 2009 - 20-0 mg paxil in 5 mnths(with prozac)
- 2009 (Dec): reinstated after 4 mnths off (crash)
- 2009 Dec -2010 Nov: Paxil 20mg
- 2010 Nov: switched to Zoloft 50mg (Paxil poop)
- 2011 Mar: tapered Zoloft (5.5 mnths)
- March: 37.5mg for 2 weeks
- April: 25 mg for 2 weeks
- April: 12.5mg for 18 weeks
AD free since Sept 4th, 2011
- Feb - March 2012: Crashed
- May 2012 - Finally seeing SOME real windows
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Old 04-07-2012, 03:48 PM   #4
aberdeen
 
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Re: Feeling down today......

I don't think it has to do with meds in our system, but the state our brain is in AFTER the meds are gone. It has to re-train itself to operate differently than it did on meds, which is the part that can take a really long time (apparently). When I'm feeling better, the old things DO help me feel good. I love little crafty shops, but forcing myself into them when I feel like a paper cut out of who I used to be makes me feel awful. But when I have a window, those things bring me joy again, and I know that it's the way I shoudl be and the way I truly am. Recently I'll have memory flashbacks of times/things that made me feel good and I can almost connect with them, and then they fade again. That's something new, since I tapered last week. It's so brief and weak, but it's got to mean something. Yeah this beautiful sunny Easter wknd without a care in the world and I feel down too, it's so stupid yet uncontrollable. But my kids are happy and nothing is actually wrong so I can be grateful for that right?
__________________
2 Timothy 1:7: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

2005-2010 Effexor XR 112.5mg-262.5mg for PPD
June-Dec 2010 Poop-out (crash)
3 month cross taper off Effexor onto 40mg Cipralex, switched to 20mg Celexa, switched to 20mg Paxil
Nothing helped except waiting 7 months to stabilize on Paxil then starting to taper:
Oct'11 to Nov '12 20mg-10mg
March'13 to Feb'14 9mg -4mg
Feb 7/14-4.0mg
April 1/14-3.6mg
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Old 04-07-2012, 04:25 PM   #5
lmac
 
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Re: Feeling down today......

Yes, you can definately be grateful for that! See the smiles on their faces. Mine is 15, she has no use for anything but friends, Iphones and facebook! Makes me almost wish she was younger because then at least I'm forced to keep busy and feel like "somebody" still relies on me.
Although I have a family, I feel very lonely. It SUX!
__________________
Lmac
- 1998-2002: Celexa 20mg
- 2002-2010: Paxil 20mg
- 2009 - 20-0 mg paxil in 5 mnths(with prozac)
- 2009 (Dec): reinstated after 4 mnths off (crash)
- 2009 Dec -2010 Nov: Paxil 20mg
- 2010 Nov: switched to Zoloft 50mg (Paxil poop)
- 2011 Mar: tapered Zoloft (5.5 mnths)
- March: 37.5mg for 2 weeks
- April: 25 mg for 2 weeks
- April: 12.5mg for 18 weeks
AD free since Sept 4th, 2011
- Feb - March 2012: Crashed
- May 2012 - Finally seeing SOME real windows
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Old 04-07-2012, 04:52 PM   #6
Wld
 
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Re: Feeling down today......

Ok Imac here's one...your daughter is turning 16 like mine right? (Eventually) I don't know when your daughter is but....anyway.... I've been planning music for the DJ to play at my daughter's party...songs with "16" in them. Try, just try listening to Ringo Starr's Your 16, You're Beautiful and You're Mine without smiling, singing or dancing. I bet ya can't do it! Then try Sound of Music's 16 going on 17. I was in such a horrible mood a few minutes ago, now Im MUCH better. (if I wasn't so FLIPPIN tired I'd be perfect) I'm pullin for ya girl.
__________________
Started Celexa 20 mg. 5/2001
Quit Celexa CT 7/15/2011
AD free for 5 mos.
Reinstated Celexa 10 mg. 12/14/11
Up to 20mg. 12/21/11 sick, horrible time
Down to 10mg. 2/7/12 giving up reinstating
5mg. 2/15/12.
4mg. 2/27/12.
3mg. 3/7/12
2mg. 3/14/12
1mg. 3/21/12
Last dose 3/27/12



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Old 04-07-2012, 05:01 PM   #7
lmac
 
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Re: Feeling down today......

Thanks Wld - I listened to them. They're sweet songs! Okay, I gave a smile!!
Mine just turned 15 in February! She's been having her hate on for us for a few years but is kind of starting to come around lately.
Have fun planning your 16 year old's partay! That will be exciting!!
__________________
Lmac
- 1998-2002: Celexa 20mg
- 2002-2010: Paxil 20mg
- 2009 - 20-0 mg paxil in 5 mnths(with prozac)
- 2009 (Dec): reinstated after 4 mnths off (crash)
- 2009 Dec -2010 Nov: Paxil 20mg
- 2010 Nov: switched to Zoloft 50mg (Paxil poop)
- 2011 Mar: tapered Zoloft (5.5 mnths)
- March: 37.5mg for 2 weeks
- April: 25 mg for 2 weeks
- April: 12.5mg for 18 weeks
AD free since Sept 4th, 2011
- Feb - March 2012: Crashed
- May 2012 - Finally seeing SOME real windows
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Old 04-07-2012, 05:46 PM   #8
iwantpeace
 
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Re: Feeling down today......

I'm sorry you're feeling so down But I did see a smile in your last post!

I can't offer much advice right now, but what I can say is that forcing yourself out and doing 'normal' things (even if they don't give you the same pleasure as they used to) are extremely important. You're one tough cookie, and this too shall pass.

xo
__________________
Paxil 20mg from 2001-December 2010
Nov 2010 - 20mg
Dec 2010 - 15mg
Feb 2011-July 2011 - 10mg
July 2011- Sept 2011- 30MG
Sept 2011-Nov 2011- 25mg -17.5mg
Nov 2011- JAN 12: 17.5mg -1.25mg
January 27th 2012- PAXIL FREE
Started Zoloft mid Nov 2011 - currently at 100mg
Feb 8 2012 - Zoloft 75mg
early April 2012
April 11 2012: 62mg - compounding pharmacy - side effects at 75mg not acceptable
April 21 2012 - 50mg - feel much better - staying here for a while.
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Old 04-07-2012, 06:03 PM   #9
IMISSME
 
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Re: Feeling down today......

Forcing one's self to go do things even when you don't feel like it. I have heard that for the last 6 months on PP and whole heartedly believe it. But it is hard. Weekends are always tough for me. This one is no different. I did go to church last night and again tomorrow. Tomorrow with my kids, girlfriend (possibly her daughter) and ex-wife.

Today I took my 12 and 15 year old to Wrath of the Titans. I have only seen one other movie since serious withdrawal started. It is not easy. The noise, the violence, etc. Just sensory overload. But this thread is a downer and I totally concur with all the sentiments. I hate this. When will it be better? 11 months off now. I did sleep last night after the prior night of no sleep. I have kept my dosage of 7.5 mg on Remeron. I hate having these drugs in my system when I feel they are doing no good and most likely harm.

Apparently I never grieved over my divorce and now I am. So on a positive note I can attribute my depressed stated during withdrawal to an actual event that must be grieved. Is that really a positive note? When will i even feel joy again on a regular basis?

Hang in there everyone and thanks for the support!
__________________
20 mg paxil 1998 for "night terrors"
2 attempts to quit mid 2000's
mid 2010, 10 mg after poopout
1 month 5 mg
5/5/2011 C/T'd
2 months physical symptoms minor bad thoughts then emotional hell, complete panic mid July
July 2011 started 15 mg Remeron for sleep
November 2013 at 1.0mg Remeron




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Old 04-07-2012, 07:08 PM   #10
Wld
 
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Re: Feeling down today......

Quote:
Originally Posted by IMISSME View Post
Forcing one's self to go do things even when you don't feel like it. I have heard that for the last 6 months on PP and whole heartedly believe it. But it is hard. Weekends are always tough for me. This one is no different. I did go to church last night and again tomorrow. Tomorrow with my kids, girlfriend (possibly her daughter) and ex-wife.

Today I took my 12 and 15 year old to Wrath of the Titans. I have only seen one other movie since serious withdrawal started. It is not easy. The noise, the violence, etc. Just sensory overload. But this thread is a downer and I totally concur with all the sentiments. I hate this. When will it be better? 11 months off now. I did sleep last night after the prior night of no sleep. I have kept my dosage of 7.5 mg on Remeron. I hate having these drugs in my system when I feel they are doing no good and most likely harm.

Apparently I never grieved over my divorce and now I am. So on a positive note I can attribute my depressed stated during withdrawal to an actual event
that must be grieved. Is that really a positive note? When will i even feel joy again on a regular basis?

Hang in there everyone and thanks for the support!
THE MOVIES, my god have they always been so loud? I went for the first time
a couple weeks ago and I about jumped out of my seat when the sound first
came up. Have people just gotten deafer (sp?). I started out with a simple romantic comedy--Friends With Kids but still had to find the negative in it all---I kept thinking ughhh I'm so old, THEY'RE so young, my kids are so old, they're gonna leave me soon and blah blah blah....stupid stupid stuff.

I'm sorry you're grieving about your divorce. But I'd say that was a positive note, and a healthy one. It sounds like you still have a pretty good support system worked out with each other--that's great. And POSITIVE!

Enjoy your day tomorrow with your family.
__________________
Started Celexa 20 mg. 5/2001
Quit Celexa CT 7/15/2011
AD free for 5 mos.
Reinstated Celexa 10 mg. 12/14/11
Up to 20mg. 12/21/11 sick, horrible time
Down to 10mg. 2/7/12 giving up reinstating
5mg. 2/15/12.
4mg. 2/27/12.
3mg. 3/7/12
2mg. 3/14/12
1mg. 3/21/12
Last dose 3/27/12



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Old 04-08-2012, 03:58 PM   #11
julie-d
 
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Re: Feeling down today......

Quote:
Originally Posted by iwantpeace View Post
I'm sorry you're feeling so down But I did see a smile in your last post!

I can't offer much advice right now, but what I can say is that forcing yourself out and doing 'normal' things (even if they don't give you the same pleasure as they used to) are extremely important. You're one tough cookie, and this too shall pass.

xo
I'm a little over 4 months post-Paxil and still struggling, although I am starting to see some improvement in my symptoms. I can relate to how you feel. I have found that when I'm feeling really crappy, and I make myself go out and do something, it does tend to take my mind off how I feel and then I don't feel as bad. I homeschool my kids (9 & 11) and I have to take them places and do things with them, and although it's really hard sometimes, it's probably a good thing because it gets me out and active. Sometimes you gotta fake it til you make it.
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Julie
30 mg. Paxil for more than 15 yrs.
Approx. 2 yr. taper
Paxil-free 11/11
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