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General Discussion Open discussion about Paxil, Paxil Withdrawal, successes and progress, good stories and bad, with and without.

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Old 04-22-2012, 09:41 AM   #1
Bilo76
 
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The progress makes me sad

I see people here on this forum complaining about WD and all the symptoms. I see them writing "i had shakes when i went to the cinema" or stuff like "i was on a walk in the forest with my family and i had anxiety.
And i am thinking,.'forest'? 'Cinema'?. I havent been anywhere. 8 months ago i had a poopout on paxil and 7 months ago we did a CT switch to lexapro and since that time i have been a month on a closed mental ward and the rest of the time alone at home. I am 35 years old and i live alone in my apartment. So basically 95% of the time i am alone. I havent been able to do normal stuff like go shopping or go to friends. As a matter of fact in the last 6 months i havent see anyone besides my parents and my doctors. I simply can not take it. All day i have earplugs in and sunglasses on (even in house) cause my mind is breaking cause of the light and the sound. Every day is the exact same day as the other. I wake up, do breathing exercises, read some internet, i do a walk alone in my neighbourhood, i go to the supermarket to try to face my fears, i eat, i do a walk again, i drive to my parents, i go back home,..watch tv all night (sometimes i cant take the tvlights).
This is going on for 7 months now. I have absolutly no life. I suffer all day long. Not a window of 1 minute.

I am NOTTT saying i have it worse then others or that i am suffering more. I am just sad, thats all. People say "dont use any benzo's" or "dont reinstate paxil". But i think they had a different WD then i have. There isnt a day that goes by that i try to look inside myself to see if i finally have the guts to commit suicide.

And the worst is, i see no progress. I quit the benzos and i am tapering lexapro (4 mg now). Only 4 weeks to go and then i have no medication at all. But when i read my personal journals,..i see the same depersonalization 7 months ago,..the same fear, ..the same incredible tension on my mind, like my mind wants to yell all day.
So sometimes its hard to read here on this forum stuff like "i was on a birthday party and i felt like a zombie". Man i wish i was on a birthday party. Again not saying i have it worse,..i cant compare stuff. But i simply wish i could do more and i had more progress. Off course i tried to do stuff. I tried to invite a friend or go shopping etc. But the tension, anxiety and physical symptoms that follow send me almost straight back to the hospital.

The path that i am following (cold turkey stop from seroxat and WD from that, WD from oxazepam, WD from lexapro, hyperventilation syndrom (that gets bigger the lower the AD dose)) is a very harsh one.
Pff i need a window to feel better.
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Bilo aka Remco


14 years on Paxil 20 mg cause of a bad anxiety disorder (social anxiety, agoraphobia)
2011 Oct 16th: Cold turkey stop Paxil cause of poopout and switch to lexapro 15 mg. Hell started. Tapered lexapro. Tapered oxazepam. Med-free for 16 months. Now on Anafranil (clomipramine)


"....We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. It can not command, only serve..."
Albert Einstein.
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Old 04-22-2012, 10:43 AM   #2
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Re: The progress makes me sad

Maybe you are cutting out too many meds all around the same time? Is there a way to stop tapering for awhile and allow yourself time to catch up? Were you ever this bad ebfore you took meds? If not, then this is something that has to do with these meds, and maybe stopping your taper or going back up on a dose would be better. I don't know? It can't stay this bad forever, this is a transition phase, and it has to pass, it will pass.
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2 Timothy 1:7: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

2005-2010 Effexor XR 112.5mg-262.5mg for PPD
June-Dec 2010 Poop-out (crash)
3 month cross taper off Effexor onto 40mg Cipralex, switched to 20mg Celexa, switched to 20mg Paxil
Nothing helped except waiting 7 months to stabilize on Paxil then starting to taper:
Oct'11 to Nov '12 20mg-10mg
March'13 to Feb'14 9mg -4mg
Feb 7/14-4.0mg
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Old 04-22-2012, 10:45 AM   #3
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Re: The progress makes me sad

Bilo76, welcome to my world! I do agree that there are various levels of WD (checkout my journal). I've just started going out to the stores for 5-10 minutes at a time...that's all I can do for now and the whole time I want to scream, run, hide...no clear windows here either...
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*Poly-drugged since May 2011 (14 meds in 4 months-paradox. reactions to all). From mild anxiety to almost psychosis on meds. IT IS THE MEDS, NOT ME!
*Elavil:
75 mg -> 37.5 (12d)
Imipramine:
37.5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,10/08/11): akathisia!
5 mg -> 0 (1 mo,11/29/11)
Now in w/d hell and missing my old self.
Please go to http://www.askapatient.com and leave a review of your med(s) and w/d experience.
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Old 04-22-2012, 10:50 AM   #4
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Re: The progress makes me sad

I'm sorry guys, this just sucks. Prayers for you!
__________________
2 Timothy 1:7: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

2005-2010 Effexor XR 112.5mg-262.5mg for PPD
June-Dec 2010 Poop-out (crash)
3 month cross taper off Effexor onto 40mg Cipralex, switched to 20mg Celexa, switched to 20mg Paxil
Nothing helped except waiting 7 months to stabilize on Paxil then starting to taper:
Oct'11 to Nov '12 20mg-10mg
March'13 to Feb'14 9mg -4mg
Feb 7/14-4.0mg
April 1/14-3.6mg
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Old 04-22-2012, 11:05 AM   #5
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Re: The progress makes me sad

I wonder if your symptoms are so prolonged and not getting better because switching switching the meds hasn't helped. I've heard so many people on here say switching meds (and from ct off another) has made things much worse. I'd say if your symptoms didn't improve after a few weeks of switching it probably would have been a good idea to taper from there. Or even what Aberdeen suggests, perhaps stablizing on a dose before lowering again. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this for so long. I too have had every single symptom you describe. Mine lasted 3 mnths with not a minute window so I know how horrific it feels to not have any windows of sanity. You're doing really well, considering. You're doing things no matter how awful it feels. It WILL get better. I honestly think the real windows will come once you're off it all. There are nore than 1 drug you're dealing with right now. Hang tight, you WILL get relief, you're doing the right things and take comfort in those of us who have been there and are seeing some light now.
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Lmac
- 1998-2002: Celexa 20mg
- 2002-2010: Paxil 20mg
- 2009 - 20-0 mg paxil in 5 mnths(with prozac)
- 2009 (Dec): reinstated after 4 mnths off (crash)
- 2009 Dec -2010 Nov: Paxil 20mg
- 2010 Nov: switched to Zoloft 50mg (Paxil poop)
- 2011 Mar: tapered Zoloft (5.5 mnths)
- March: 37.5mg for 2 weeks
- April: 25 mg for 2 weeks
- April: 12.5mg for 18 weeks
AD free since Sept 4th, 2011
- Feb - March 2012: Crashed
- May 2012 - Finally seeing SOME real windows
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Old 04-22-2012, 11:52 AM   #6
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Re: The progress makes me sad

Quote:
Originally Posted by lmac View Post
I wonder if your symptoms are so prolonged and not getting better because switching switching the meds hasn't helped. I've heard so many people on here say switching meds (and from ct off another) has made things much worse. I'd say if your symptoms didn't improve after a few weeks of switching it probably would have been a good idea to taper from there. Or even what Aberdeen suggests, perhaps stablizing on a dose before lowering again. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this for so long. I too have had every single symptom you describe. Mine lasted 3 mnths with not a minute window so I know how horrific it feels to not have any windows of sanity. You're doing really well, considering. You're doing things no matter how awful it feels. It WILL get better. I honestly think the real windows will come once you're off it all. There are nore than 1 drug you're dealing with right now. Hang tight, you WILL get relief, you're doing the right things and take comfort in those of us who have been there and are seeing some light now.
Thanks. I needed to ventilate a bit. Now i read my post back it sounds more like complaining and whining lol.
But its hard.
Yes the route would have been easier if i tapered paxil slowly after the poopout. However i trusted my doctor when he suggested to switch to lexapro. I was in flaming anxiety and panic so i would have swallowed horse piss. I did have some bad luck that lexapro and I were a real bad match. The WD from paxil was/is incredible heavy. But it could have been a bit easier if lexapro was softening it a bit. Or if lexapro did nothing. But now i had so much depersonalization also as a side effect from lexapro. And weird thoughts thanks to lexapro. When i tapered from 20 mg down to 4 mg;..that part got a bit better.
But i have so much tension on my mind. Its weird to describe. Its like every sound or light is to much. As if i will go screaming when somebody says "i disagree with you bilo". lol i cant take any comments or critical note. Also my musscles are so tensed.

Pff you have no idea how its like to have NO social contacts at all for 7 months. I am rotting away at home. Off course i try to do walks, cycle, go to my parents,...anything to get out of my house. But its heavy.
Especially thanks to my breathing syndrome. My blood is alkalic and it has some consequences. And ****ty thing is;.the lower the AD;..the more i chronically hyperventilate. This makes sense cause an AD is a bit sedative.

Lol i am complaining again. I do see some small improvements. When i was in the mental ward of the hospital i really thought i was a horse. Lol i remember thinking that. And i wasnt psychotic. I just lost control over my identity. Damn i was far gone. After 13 years cold turkey stop from paxil can do that i guess.

Perhaps i am gonna use some xanax next week. I know ppl disagree here..but i need to give my mind some rest.
__________________
Bilo aka Remco


14 years on Paxil 20 mg cause of a bad anxiety disorder (social anxiety, agoraphobia)
2011 Oct 16th: Cold turkey stop Paxil cause of poopout and switch to lexapro 15 mg. Hell started. Tapered lexapro. Tapered oxazepam. Med-free for 16 months. Now on Anafranil (clomipramine)


"....We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. It can not command, only serve..."
Albert Einstein.
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Old 04-22-2012, 11:55 AM   #7
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Re: The progress makes me sad

We are mentally ill persons. No don't let this frighten you. Our brains have had a good share of nasty chemicals and they are ill, for NOW

The easiest thing would be just to take any other pill and see if it works. The hardest is to get off and deal with the W/D !. Not until we get off these drugs and allow our brains and CNS to heal, we will fully recover. So take it slow and know that soon you will be on your way to enjoy these things.
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Started April /03-Jul 30/11 10 mg Paxil
2nd Paxil Tapering
Off as of May 28th, 12


"This will take time but it will happen!"
"I've been shouting: it takes at LEAST a year " -- Ariella
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Old 04-22-2012, 12:04 PM   #8
Bilo76
 
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Re: The progress makes me sad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Backtopaxil View Post
We are mentally ill persons. No don't let this frighten you. Our brains have had a good share of nasty chemicals and they are ill, for NOW

The easiest thing would be just to take any other pill and see if it works. The hardest is to get off and deal with the W/D !. Not until we get off these drugs and allow our brains and CNS to heal, we will fully recover. So take it slow and know that soon you will be on your way to enjoy these things.
I know m8. However my problems wont go away when the WD gets less. i off course have my original problem left. My negative way of thinking, my wrong breathing, my anxiety disorder. That is also heavy to deal with once the WD gets less. But i will get there

But i DO want to get there. And at this current state i feel like my mind will break. I cant take it no longer. Thats why i am thinking of relaxing my mind with a few days of benzo use. Especially since i didnt have that much problem tapering those. I am doubting off course cause no benzos are without risk. but i also dont wanna suffer incredible
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Bilo aka Remco


14 years on Paxil 20 mg cause of a bad anxiety disorder (social anxiety, agoraphobia)
2011 Oct 16th: Cold turkey stop Paxil cause of poopout and switch to lexapro 15 mg. Hell started. Tapered lexapro. Tapered oxazepam. Med-free for 16 months. Now on Anafranil (clomipramine)


"....We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. It can not command, only serve..."
Albert Einstein.
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Old 04-22-2012, 12:14 PM   #9
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Re: The progress makes me sad

For how long did you take the benzo consistently? And how did you taper ?

If you need to take one cause you cant handle it anymore then you take it. Some of these symptoms are chemically induced by the SSRis. It is when you use benzos day and night and becomes consistent and for more than a few weeks than it hits you. Use carefully but not abuse should be the key.
Once you are off, try to avoid at all cost, and let your brain heal itself. That is what I am planning to do.

Dr Claire Weeks book: Hope and Fear For your NErves is highly recommended, I am reading it.
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Started April /03-Jul 30/11 10 mg Paxil
2nd Paxil Tapering
Off as of May 28th, 12


"This will take time but it will happen!"
"I've been shouting: it takes at LEAST a year " -- Ariella
"If I am going to suffer, at least I will be Paxil free" -- me!



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Old 04-22-2012, 12:17 PM   #10
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Re: The progress makes me sad

I took it for 3 months and tapered in 2 weeks. I needed to taper cause the benzo was working against me. It started to make me more anxious and sleep less.
Thats why i am veryyy carefull now. However i think it can have its use in a WD.
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Bilo aka Remco


14 years on Paxil 20 mg cause of a bad anxiety disorder (social anxiety, agoraphobia)
2011 Oct 16th: Cold turkey stop Paxil cause of poopout and switch to lexapro 15 mg. Hell started. Tapered lexapro. Tapered oxazepam. Med-free for 16 months. Now on Anafranil (clomipramine)


"....We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. It can not command, only serve..."
Albert Einstein.
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Old 04-22-2012, 12:31 PM   #11
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Re: The progress makes me sad

Crap. I just spent so much time responding and I lost EVERYTHING!!
Long story short, whine away, we're entitled. Nobody deserves to suffer this mental anguish like us and all we did was try to help ourself and trust in our medical system. I've come to realize that we cannot trust anyone with our health but ourselves. Listen to our own body and gut instincts. I know its scary. I was raised in a pill pushing medicated home. Its all I knew, I trusted my doctors and they just screwed me up because of these darn meds and by nor understanding you can wd from these. I've felt like a junkie from all of this and I never even choose to be a drug addict!!
I haven't socialized in about 8 mnths, except for family (and 1 person I met with from these boards) and that too has been scarse. I do live with my husband and daughter but its had its own disadvantages too going through this. I have put a damper on their lives, this has caused so much havoc in their lives too. Everything you describe I too have had or still have. Its all so scary and feels permanent but since having some windows I see it gets better, although for me the symptoms just are much less intense.
I too had anxiety and negative thinking before all this nightmare. I've been getting so much therapy, reading so many books, doing excercises, praying, meditating. I know these problems will come back and I'm doing everything I can do work on these things (not always easy at all) and it scares me that I'll be so messed up even after wd. I'm already always questioning if my wd is done as I'm 8 mnths off all meds, so are these dark and scary obsessive thoughts just me now?? But then I see people here say its can take over a year (God, for my sake, I hope so).
I completely agree with backtopaxil - our brains and CNS will not fully healbuntil we are off ALL meds and unfortunately suffer through this awful period. I try to look at is as how the Buddha says " those who have spiritual enlightnement have ALL gone through immense suffering first". And boy, we have gone through immense mental suffering, like I've NEVER even though existed. My husband even cannt believe the extent of suffering these meds have caused. I think he's ready to tie up these sons of b***** and force feed them their own meds!!!!
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Lmac
- 1998-2002: Celexa 20mg
- 2002-2010: Paxil 20mg
- 2009 - 20-0 mg paxil in 5 mnths(with prozac)
- 2009 (Dec): reinstated after 4 mnths off (crash)
- 2009 Dec -2010 Nov: Paxil 20mg
- 2010 Nov: switched to Zoloft 50mg (Paxil poop)
- 2011 Mar: tapered Zoloft (5.5 mnths)
- March: 37.5mg for 2 weeks
- April: 25 mg for 2 weeks
- April: 12.5mg for 18 weeks
AD free since Sept 4th, 2011
- Feb - March 2012: Crashed
- May 2012 - Finally seeing SOME real windows
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Old 04-22-2012, 12:43 PM   #12
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Re: The progress makes me sad

Here is a sad story

A lot of those things that you mentioned, started happening while on Paxil. Little by little I withdrew myself from my friends. I stopped calling them back, I stopped going to parties or going out to eat, or the movies. It was a ME ME time and I was happy, so I thought.

Until one day, it hit me, and I said, my life sucks! That is the reason I decided to taper off this garbage. But I am sure it will get better some day. May not be the way it was in 2003 when I started this pill, but better.
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Started April /03-Jul 30/11 10 mg Paxil
2nd Paxil Tapering
Off as of May 28th, 12


"This will take time but it will happen!"
"I've been shouting: it takes at LEAST a year " -- Ariella
"If I am going to suffer, at least I will be Paxil free" -- me!



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Old 04-22-2012, 01:24 PM   #13
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Re: The progress makes me sad

Don't lose hope, keep going and have one thought in your head no matter how bad it is. That in the end, you will heal. It will take around 14 months off to really make big progress. for me, it took around 21 months to be close to full recovery.
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on and off paxil from 2004 to 2008
Last pill at 11/7/2008
Severe withdrawal for about 18 months
had a nice life from 18 to 31 months off
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Crashed at 31 months due to severe stress
Took 20mg of paxil at 18/8/2011
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Old 04-22-2012, 01:57 PM   #14
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Re: The progress makes me sad

Bilo I switched meds too, and it wasn't until I stopped switching, and just left it alone, didn't change the dose, didn't change meds anymore...it took 5 months of doing nothing with the meds to begin to feel ok. THat's when I started tapering Paxil. I felt awful for 5 months straight. It was horrible. But it did get better. I feel a lot better lately, no anxiety or depression. I deal with lethargy, weight gain and fatigue and anhedonia right now, but I can handle that, it's not as bad as the anxiety and dread and despair.
__________________
2 Timothy 1:7: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

2005-2010 Effexor XR 112.5mg-262.5mg for PPD
June-Dec 2010 Poop-out (crash)
3 month cross taper off Effexor onto 40mg Cipralex, switched to 20mg Celexa, switched to 20mg Paxil
Nothing helped except waiting 7 months to stabilize on Paxil then starting to taper:
Oct'11 to Nov '12 20mg-10mg
March'13 to Feb'14 9mg -4mg
Feb 7/14-4.0mg
April 1/14-3.6mg
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Old 04-22-2012, 02:12 PM   #15
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Re: The progress makes me sad

Bilo.sorry to hear this.
We are all here for you xx
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Paxil History:
20mg - April 1997
0mg - Summer 1998
30mg - October 1999
20mg - October 2002 - July 2011
20mg to 10mg - July 2011 - March 2012 (10% taper)
CRASHED when i got to 5.2mg
Back on 10mg - August 2012
Staying on 10mg - for the time being.
Pleased i am on half my original dose.
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Old 04-22-2012, 02:34 PM   #16
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Re: The progress makes me sad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Backtopaxil View Post
Here is a sad story

A lot of those things that you mentioned, started happening while on Paxil. Little by little I withdrew myself from my friends. I stopped calling them back, I stopped going to parties or going out to eat, or the movies. It was a ME ME time and I was happy, so I thought.

Until one day, it hit me, and I said, my life sucks! That is the reason I decided to taper off this garbage. But I am sure it will get better some day. May not be the way it was in 2003 when I started this pill, but better.
So interesting. I did the exact same thing on Paxil and honestly thought I was dull and had no ambition to have a life!! Only just recently since finding PP have I begun to put 2 and 2 together about how my life has been since being on Paxil. I started it at age 23 until almost 37. My entire adulthood has been just blah!! I used to be fiery, ambitious and full of life. After 1 year on paxil I gained 60 lbs and since then another 40. I just thought being so overweight was my reason for never feeling like doing anything (tried every diet in the book and failed). Thought this was my genes and how I was supposed to be. Since being off meds, I've lost 40 lbs already in 7 mnths and get glimpses of REAL joy!! Off course because of wd, I also get horrific negative scary thoughts/feelings too which I've never experienced. I'm hoping the negative stuff subsides a lot and the JOY only grows!!
__________________
Lmac
- 1998-2002: Celexa 20mg
- 2002-2010: Paxil 20mg
- 2009 - 20-0 mg paxil in 5 mnths(with prozac)
- 2009 (Dec): reinstated after 4 mnths off (crash)
- 2009 Dec -2010 Nov: Paxil 20mg
- 2010 Nov: switched to Zoloft 50mg (Paxil poop)
- 2011 Mar: tapered Zoloft (5.5 mnths)
- March: 37.5mg for 2 weeks
- April: 25 mg for 2 weeks
- April: 12.5mg for 18 weeks
AD free since Sept 4th, 2011
- Feb - March 2012: Crashed
- May 2012 - Finally seeing SOME real windows
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Old 04-22-2012, 03:33 PM   #17
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Re: The progress makes me sad

Quote:
Originally Posted by lmac View Post
So interesting. I did the exact same thing on Paxil and honestly thought I was dull and had no ambition to have a life!! Only just recently since finding PP have I begun to put 2 and 2 together about how my life has been since being on Paxil. I started it at age 23 until almost 37. My entire adulthood has been just blah!! I used to be fiery, ambitious and full of life. After 1 year on paxil I gained 60 lbs and since then another 40. I just thought being so overweight was my reason for never feeling like doing anything (tried every diet in the book and failed). Thought this was my genes and how I was supposed to be. Since being off meds, I've lost 40 lbs already in 7 mnths and get glimpses of REAL joy!! Off course because of wd, I also get horrific negative scary thoughts/feelings too which I've never experienced. I'm hoping the negative stuff subsides a lot and the JOY only grows!!
I can relate to both these posts! Luckily I wasn't on these meds until I was 34 and i know I was different. Effexor wasn't too bad, though I do think it changed me a little, but since Paxil I see it even more-the weight gain, the bla attitude, the apathy and the difficulty getting fired up about life. I don't mean depression, depression does this too, but this happens with or without depression, and I can see it. I'm grateful it didn't sneak past me, i know better because it hasn't been too long since I was the old me. I can't wait until we all feel like ourselves again.
__________________
2 Timothy 1:7: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

2005-2010 Effexor XR 112.5mg-262.5mg for PPD
June-Dec 2010 Poop-out (crash)
3 month cross taper off Effexor onto 40mg Cipralex, switched to 20mg Celexa, switched to 20mg Paxil
Nothing helped except waiting 7 months to stabilize on Paxil then starting to taper:
Oct'11 to Nov '12 20mg-10mg
March'13 to Feb'14 9mg -4mg
Feb 7/14-4.0mg
April 1/14-3.6mg
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