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Old 09-23-2011, 07:35 PM   #101
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Quote:
Originally Posted by GrandmaD View Post
You might be crying next week, but that would be good to, right?
You want a knuckle sandwich?
__________________

Aropax (Paxil) taper:
2009 23 Sept - 40mg; 12 Dec -30mg;
2010 Up and down - 25mg-30mg; 17 Dec-26mg
2011 25mg- 18 mg
2012 17mg -12.5mg
2013 27 Jan-12mg, 11 Mar-11.5mg, 2 May-11mg, 10 July-13mg, added 12.5mg Amitryptline 20 July; 5 Aug-titrated up to 75mg, stopped @13 Aug due to SS

Last dose of 13mg Aropax 15 Oct 2013. Switched to Citalopram 21 Oct in an attempt to stabilise.

There are things that are known, and things that are unknown; in between are doors - Anonymous
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Old 09-24-2011, 02:23 AM   #102
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Quote:
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You want a knuckle sandwich?
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Old 09-27-2011, 10:54 PM   #103
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

I never thought I'd say this but I actually miss feeling things intensely.
I've been working through a 'to do' list and one of the things was to start looking for an agent for my book - again. Haven't done anything for 3 years! Anyhow, I've been looking over some of what I wrote and I realised that I just don't feel things that deeply any more. Ok. I knew that. It's one of the things I liked about Paxil, that it brought my emotions back to a more normal range. People with mood disorders tend to be more emotional.

But I write best when I can feel and writing is something I know I'm meant to do. Yes, being able to feel with high intensity will also mean that I'm more prone to suffering depression but maybe that is the price I have to pay. Funny, there was a time when I wanted to avoid depression at all costs. Mind you, I'm less in fear of it now because I have developed far better coping strategies than I had in the past.

Hmmm.....
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Aropax (Paxil) taper:
2009 23 Sept - 40mg; 12 Dec -30mg;
2010 Up and down - 25mg-30mg; 17 Dec-26mg
2011 25mg- 18 mg
2012 17mg -12.5mg
2013 27 Jan-12mg, 11 Mar-11.5mg, 2 May-11mg, 10 July-13mg, added 12.5mg Amitryptline 20 July; 5 Aug-titrated up to 75mg, stopped @13 Aug due to SS

Last dose of 13mg Aropax 15 Oct 2013. Switched to Citalopram 21 Oct in an attempt to stabilise.

There are things that are known, and things that are unknown; in between are doors - Anonymous
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Old 09-29-2011, 06:03 PM   #104
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Quote:
Originally Posted by Junior View Post
You want a knuckle sandwich?
I mentioned this to my daughter, who is an avid footy fan also, and she told me to be careful what I say to football fans! She follows the Bombers, and so does my son and daughter in law (and bub in tow) and they all go off to Melb. once a year to watch the footy. She has just joined a girl team to play herself.
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Old 10-19-2011, 02:12 AM   #105
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Quote:
Originally Posted by GrandmaD View Post
I mentioned this to my daughter, who is an avid footy fan also, and she told me to be careful what I say to football fans! She follows the Bombers, and so does my son and daughter in law (and bub in tow) and they all go off to Melb. once a year to watch the footy. She has just joined a girl team to play herself.
I'm not discussing the football. It's cricket season
__________________

Aropax (Paxil) taper:
2009 23 Sept - 40mg; 12 Dec -30mg;
2010 Up and down - 25mg-30mg; 17 Dec-26mg
2011 25mg- 18 mg
2012 17mg -12.5mg
2013 27 Jan-12mg, 11 Mar-11.5mg, 2 May-11mg, 10 July-13mg, added 12.5mg Amitryptline 20 July; 5 Aug-titrated up to 75mg, stopped @13 Aug due to SS

Last dose of 13mg Aropax 15 Oct 2013. Switched to Citalopram 21 Oct in an attempt to stabilise.

There are things that are known, and things that are unknown; in between are doors - Anonymous
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Old 10-19-2011, 02:15 AM   #106
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Well I've made 2 small drops since we returned from our trip of a lifetime. Down to 20mg and noticing that I'm able to feel things more than I did this time a year ago. Yes losing a certain game hurt . A year ago I couldn't really feel the joy. Figures, now that I can feel that way again I'm not allowed to

Also back to having a few days poor sleep after doing a drop. At the moment the pattern is after two weeks. Last night it took me 2 hours to fall asleep. Blah ...

At least I'm not working at the moment which means I can go back to bed after I get Jason on his bus at 7.40am
__________________

Aropax (Paxil) taper:
2009 23 Sept - 40mg; 12 Dec -30mg;
2010 Up and down - 25mg-30mg; 17 Dec-26mg
2011 25mg- 18 mg
2012 17mg -12.5mg
2013 27 Jan-12mg, 11 Mar-11.5mg, 2 May-11mg, 10 July-13mg, added 12.5mg Amitryptline 20 July; 5 Aug-titrated up to 75mg, stopped @13 Aug due to SS

Last dose of 13mg Aropax 15 Oct 2013. Switched to Citalopram 21 Oct in an attempt to stabilise.

There are things that are known, and things that are unknown; in between are doors - Anonymous
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Old 10-24-2011, 09:49 PM   #107
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

I posted this in a thread in the general discussion forum and thought I should probably put it here as well.

____________

I think I'm finally beginning to understand how debilitating these intrusive thoughts can be. I didn't really notice it when I was working, maybe I had others things with which to occupy my mind, but I do now. It's been 2 months since we returned from our overseas trip and I've had no luck finding a job. There has been NOTHING available in mental health, not part time anyway, and the office jobs I've applied for haven't had come to anything either. Yesterday I was really down on myself. I've had a couple of days of feeling really angry and understanding how Pokie got to the point she did. The same thought has crossed my mind. But then, after a day trapped inside where all it did outside was rain, I made myself get up and go for a walk, coat, umbrella and all. While I was walking it struck me that no matter how down I am on my myself, I keep making an effort. It's like I have something inside of me that is determined to survive.

I had put all my negativity down to not being able to find a job. I know that can really get a person down. But this morning I was reading something here, on another thread, and it made me realise that at least some of what I've been feeling is withdrawal. I've dropped 2mg in the last few weeks.

LC what you said about it being difficult to work out what is withdrawal and what is normal emotion is so true. But I also know that the anger and negativity I've been feeling has just been out of proportion to what I've felt in the past, even when I was going through IVF. Sometimes you can look at it and know that it is a normal psychological reaction to something; other times you can't. I guess those are the times when it is withdrawal. And here I was thinking everything was going great and I've been symptom free!

---------------------------------

Another thought occurred to me this morning: I am a GAD sufferer and part of having GAD is the tendency to overanalyse. Well I have been overanalysing the job thing. Like - all the study I've done has only qualified me to work in community mental health and because I can only work part-time, opportunities are limited. Hubby said something about resurrecting my career the other day and I said, "there's no career. I cant work full time". He says, "But you've done all this study!" Like DUHHH!!! I said, well I might not be able to do anything with it for the moment. I"m studying counselling. Maybe I can go into private practice later. Right now, I just need a job but I'm not having any luck. I've been out of office work for too long. No recent experience. So here I am trying to solve it all and it's just not working. This morning I woke up and decided I was not going to be negative. After a night where I tossed and turned all night, it's not worth it. I'm not going to solve it this minute. Besides, it's only a month until I have my lap-band op so it's probably too late now. I can hardly start a job and immediately take sick leave for an operation! Right, I decided. I"m not going to overanalyse. I need to put these thoughts out of mind. And I've been doing that all day!

It's hard pushing the negative thoughts away and focussing on what you are doing. I don't think it helps that I"m currently studying loss and grief! Maybe that explains why I can't get motivated to work on my next assignment. I have 3 units of us. I"ve almost finished the first one. I might move on to the first unit in addictions next. Who knows? It might help!

Right enough rambling... I have enough thoughts buzzing through my brain to do this all day but I'm not going to. I'm going to finish this and get back to this latest thing I've found regarding getting my book published. I need to make an e-enquiry. I've shortened my synopsis, they only want 300 words, so I'd better actually do it.

I'm off...............
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Aropax (Paxil) taper:
2009 23 Sept - 40mg; 12 Dec -30mg;
2010 Up and down - 25mg-30mg; 17 Dec-26mg
2011 25mg- 18 mg
2012 17mg -12.5mg
2013 27 Jan-12mg, 11 Mar-11.5mg, 2 May-11mg, 10 July-13mg, added 12.5mg Amitryptline 20 July; 5 Aug-titrated up to 75mg, stopped @13 Aug due to SS

Last dose of 13mg Aropax 15 Oct 2013. Switched to Citalopram 21 Oct in an attempt to stabilise.

There are things that are known, and things that are unknown; in between are doors - Anonymous
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Old 10-25-2011, 10:43 PM   #108
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Something else has finally entered my dim consciousness. No amount of exercise can stop the overactive mind. Now that is not normal. Usually one feels better after exercise. It clears the mind, calms the body and one can relax. I wish!!
I've been cleaning upstairs - we have a two storey town house, the upstairs has two bedrooms, separate toilet and bathroom - and it made NO difference to my overactive, overanalysing brain. I have to keep telling myself to stop listening to it. It's driving me crazy!!!! Esp since most of the thoughts are negative and / or driven by anger.

BAH!!!!!!!!!
__________________

Aropax (Paxil) taper:
2009 23 Sept - 40mg; 12 Dec -30mg;
2010 Up and down - 25mg-30mg; 17 Dec-26mg
2011 25mg- 18 mg
2012 17mg -12.5mg
2013 27 Jan-12mg, 11 Mar-11.5mg, 2 May-11mg, 10 July-13mg, added 12.5mg Amitryptline 20 July; 5 Aug-titrated up to 75mg, stopped @13 Aug due to SS

Last dose of 13mg Aropax 15 Oct 2013. Switched to Citalopram 21 Oct in an attempt to stabilise.

There are things that are known, and things that are unknown; in between are doors - Anonymous
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Old 10-26-2011, 04:43 AM   #109
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Junior, have u tried mental excercises for the 'thought go round' cycle. I find that housework (essentially a mindless task) leaves my mind free to roam which only makes it worse. Sometimes when I am stuck in a thought groove it helps to re focus mentally somewhere (anywhere) else especially during the night so I will write mental lists (animals alphabetically, redesign my wardrobe, spend a million dollars in detail). Once I have got out of the groove by doing this I can often re visit the original thought more rationally. Figure that if I am going to obsess about something it may as well be something nice that I choose .....
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Old 10-26-2011, 04:55 AM   #110
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Thanks for the kind thoughts Caperjackie. I have managed to control this ruminating in the past by simply pushing it out of my mind. I have to keep working at it for a couple of days and eventually it settles. It's part of having GAD - or at least it was when it occurred naturally.
I even reminded myself a couple of hours ago that it is caused by a stutter on the anterior cingulate gyrus (ACG)that sends the information back to the pre-frontal cortex, which sends it to the ACG, which sends it back to the pre-frontal cortex, which sends it back to the ACG .... The way to stop the stutter is to change what is happening in the pre-frontal cortex. That's where CBT comes in.... For me it is about reminding myself that there is no need to ruminate. Usually when I get like this it's because I'm desperately trying to find the answer to something that is unanswerable (such as what causes autism) or something I don't even need to know! More recently it has been about not being able to get a job and deciding what I might need to do if I change direction, blah blah blah.....
I'm not desperate for the money so I should just keep looking and keep on with my studies in the interim.

One thing is for sure, no amount of study / training in psychology makes a person immune to these things!!!!
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Aropax (Paxil) taper:
2009 23 Sept - 40mg; 12 Dec -30mg;
2010 Up and down - 25mg-30mg; 17 Dec-26mg
2011 25mg- 18 mg
2012 17mg -12.5mg
2013 27 Jan-12mg, 11 Mar-11.5mg, 2 May-11mg, 10 July-13mg, added 12.5mg Amitryptline 20 July; 5 Aug-titrated up to 75mg, stopped @13 Aug due to SS

Last dose of 13mg Aropax 15 Oct 2013. Switched to Citalopram 21 Oct in an attempt to stabilise.

There are things that are known, and things that are unknown; in between are doors - Anonymous
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Old 10-26-2011, 05:04 AM   #111
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

LOL - what basket cases we all are junior. I too have been diagnosed GAD and can work myself up into a terrible state worrying about something that may never happen in the near or distant future. And you are right - sometimes things can just be pushed away (which by the way is getting easier now that I am totally off) but sometimes I find the 'mind flip' works better. It depends upon my state of mind and the subject of the obsession. Hang in there ......
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Was on Paxil 20mg for a few years
Switched to Paxil 12.5 CR over 10 years ago
Total time on Paxil around 14 years
2 failed attempts at cold turkey
Tapered for over a year by skipping one dose per week each month
Paxil free since April 14th 2011
Still having withdrawal symptoms but getting better
LIFE IS GOOD TOTALLY DRUG FREE
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Old 10-26-2011, 05:06 AM   #112
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Hmmm... was just thinking (yes, yes, I know, been doing too much of that ) ... if Paxil is no longer working for me, then maybe what I've been experiencing IS my original GAD
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Aropax (Paxil) taper:
2009 23 Sept - 40mg; 12 Dec -30mg;
2010 Up and down - 25mg-30mg; 17 Dec-26mg
2011 25mg- 18 mg
2012 17mg -12.5mg
2013 27 Jan-12mg, 11 Mar-11.5mg, 2 May-11mg, 10 July-13mg, added 12.5mg Amitryptline 20 July; 5 Aug-titrated up to 75mg, stopped @13 Aug due to SS

Last dose of 13mg Aropax 15 Oct 2013. Switched to Citalopram 21 Oct in an attempt to stabilise.

There are things that are known, and things that are unknown; in between are doors - Anonymous
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Old 10-26-2011, 05:08 AM   #113
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Quote:
Originally Posted by caperjackie View Post
LOL - what basket cases we all are junior.
GAD support group
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Aropax (Paxil) taper:
2009 23 Sept - 40mg; 12 Dec -30mg;
2010 Up and down - 25mg-30mg; 17 Dec-26mg
2011 25mg- 18 mg
2012 17mg -12.5mg
2013 27 Jan-12mg, 11 Mar-11.5mg, 2 May-11mg, 10 July-13mg, added 12.5mg Amitryptline 20 July; 5 Aug-titrated up to 75mg, stopped @13 Aug due to SS

Last dose of 13mg Aropax 15 Oct 2013. Switched to Citalopram 21 Oct in an attempt to stabilise.

There are things that are known, and things that are unknown; in between are doors - Anonymous
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Old 10-26-2011, 05:16 AM   #114
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

LOL, love it. Good to look at the funny side and be able to laugh at ourselves.
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Switched to Paxil 12.5 CR over 10 years ago
Total time on Paxil around 14 years
2 failed attempts at cold turkey
Tapered for over a year by skipping one dose per week each month
Paxil free since April 14th 2011
Still having withdrawal symptoms but getting better
LIFE IS GOOD TOTALLY DRUG FREE
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Old 10-26-2011, 04:36 PM   #115
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Have to do something to get rid of all the negativity!
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Aropax (Paxil) taper:
2009 23 Sept - 40mg; 12 Dec -30mg;
2010 Up and down - 25mg-30mg; 17 Dec-26mg
2011 25mg- 18 mg
2012 17mg -12.5mg
2013 27 Jan-12mg, 11 Mar-11.5mg, 2 May-11mg, 10 July-13mg, added 12.5mg Amitryptline 20 July; 5 Aug-titrated up to 75mg, stopped @13 Aug due to SS

Last dose of 13mg Aropax 15 Oct 2013. Switched to Citalopram 21 Oct in an attempt to stabilise.

There are things that are known, and things that are unknown; in between are doors - Anonymous
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Old 10-26-2011, 05:28 PM   #116
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Junior - You are doing great....just look how far you have come. Yes, I too long for the day that I won't want to rip someone's head off or feel so angry. Yesterday, I told a co-worker that I wished another co-worker would just die. This just shocked me....and I have felt horrible about saying it ever since, but I keep telling myself it's not me it's this darn drug that is twisting my brain around.

Honestly, I do not especially like this particular co-worker so I'm giving myself a break from that angle too. LOL

Wish I had your energy right now, getting over the flu.

Kylelost

aka Suzanne
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Old 10-26-2011, 10:26 PM   #117
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Quote:
Originally Posted by kylelost View Post
Junior - You are doing great....just look how far you have come. Yes, I too long for the day that I won't want to rip someone's head off or feel so angry. Yesterday, I told a co-worker that I wished another co-worker would just die. This just shocked me....and I have felt horrible about saying it ever since, but I keep telling myself it's not me it's this darn drug that is twisting my brain around.

Honestly, I do not especially like this particular co-worker so I'm giving myself a break from that angle too. LOL

Wish I had your energy right now, getting over the flu.

Kylelost

aka Suzanne
Sorry to hear about the 'flu. I had that a couple of years ago. I'm not usually prone to it (it was what Lexapro had done to me I think) so it was a heck of a shock. You can't do anything. It completely saps you. Hope you regain your energy soon.

You know, even without w/d we're never happy are we? Too thin, too fat, not tall enough, boobs too small, too big, no man in our life, don't want the one we've got (lol)..... Sometimes we just need to stop whingeing and be thankful for what we've got. If only I could convince my brain of that
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Aropax (Paxil) taper:
2009 23 Sept - 40mg; 12 Dec -30mg;
2010 Up and down - 25mg-30mg; 17 Dec-26mg
2011 25mg- 18 mg
2012 17mg -12.5mg
2013 27 Jan-12mg, 11 Mar-11.5mg, 2 May-11mg, 10 July-13mg, added 12.5mg Amitryptline 20 July; 5 Aug-titrated up to 75mg, stopped @13 Aug due to SS

Last dose of 13mg Aropax 15 Oct 2013. Switched to Citalopram 21 Oct in an attempt to stabilise.

There are things that are known, and things that are unknown; in between are doors - Anonymous
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Old 10-27-2011, 12:29 AM   #118
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Quote:
Originally Posted by Junior View Post
Hmmm... was just thinking (yes, yes, I know, been doing too much of that ) ... if Paxil is no longer working for me, then maybe what I've been experiencing IS my original GAD
Okay, you ARE thinking too much!

When paxil stops working and/or you're in w/d (I gather they have a lot in common), people get GAD and depression even when they never had them before. Or if they did, it gets worse. That's very common - but ti does NOT mean it's your original condition!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Junior View Post
GAD support group
Quote:
Originally Posted by Junior View Post
Have to do something to get rid of all the negativity!
LOL!!!!

Lady, you are so brilliantly funny, and have been for as long as I've "known" you - maybe instead of ruminating you should start writing humorous books. (Or cartoons. Whatever.) You might have a great new career in that! (Or if not, it would least be more fun than ruminating...!)
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20 mg/day; yrs later 15 mg
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4/27/06 - 10 mg
5/17/06 - 5 mg (none 5/20)
5/21-24/06 - 2.5 mg (5/22 - none)
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Felt better than in years, then gradual WD symptoms
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Old 10-27-2011, 05:10 AM   #119
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Quote:
Originally Posted by TryingtoGetWell View Post
Okay, you ARE thinking too much!

When paxil stops working and/or you're in w/d (I gather they have a lot in common), people get GAD and depression even when they never had them before. Or if they did, it gets worse. That's very common - but ti does NOT mean it's your original condition!!!!

*Breathes out* Phew!!! *wipes forehead*
And I agree. I'm not in a position where it should be like this so it must be withdrawal. It's just - as I'm sure you know - that it's hard to see that when you are going through it. Plus, the last time I felt like this was after an incident at work (not the bullying, another one a few months earlier). That seemed a more normal response because I wanted to quit, blah blah blah..... then I decided to do this certificate in counselling and things settled because I knew the job was just until something better came alone. This is different although Ido think the external (the uncertainty over my future working life) is contributing.




LOL!!!!

Lady, you are so brilliantly funny, and have been for as long as I've "known" you - maybe instead of ruminating you should start writing humorous books. (Or cartoons. Whatever.) You might have a great new career in that! (Or if not, it would least be more fun than ruminating...!)
<humorous book

People tell me Jason has a wicked sense of humour. Wonder where he gets it from *whistles*
__________________

Aropax (Paxil) taper:
2009 23 Sept - 40mg; 12 Dec -30mg;
2010 Up and down - 25mg-30mg; 17 Dec-26mg
2011 25mg- 18 mg
2012 17mg -12.5mg
2013 27 Jan-12mg, 11 Mar-11.5mg, 2 May-11mg, 10 July-13mg, added 12.5mg Amitryptline 20 July; 5 Aug-titrated up to 75mg, stopped @13 Aug due to SS

Last dose of 13mg Aropax 15 Oct 2013. Switched to Citalopram 21 Oct in an attempt to stabilise.

There are things that are known, and things that are unknown; in between are doors - Anonymous
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Old 10-27-2011, 05:44 AM   #120
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

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GAD support group
Ha Ha Ha .... I love this! You're funny and creative.
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Old 11-01-2011, 12:23 AM   #121
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Good news. Things are improving. I realise now that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself. Just trying to decide what to do about a job is stressful enough without adding looking into getting my book published as well! And I was trying to do it all within a short time frame. No wonder my thoughts were racing!

W/d is definitely part of it though because stress never used to upset my sleep. Not unless it was something extreme - such as me being infertile, or the diagnosis of Jason's autism. And usually when you calm your body and / or do deep breathing, the racing thoughts settle. Not in w/d. It has taken several days for the thoughts to settle. I liken it to emotions and a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. For example, when a person with Borderline gets angry, that anger can last for hours or even days. For most of us it passes within the hour. That's how it was with my over-hyped mind and the thoughts. And my thoughts were associative; something that happened today could lead to something that happened 20 years ago that wasn't even relevant to the things I was trying to work out! It was bad enough during the day but it made it very difficult to get to sleep and stay asleep at night. I used my 'tried and true' yoga nidra technique of 'body rotations' which is usually very good for calming the mind but it didn't have the same effect. It did help but didn't work anywhere near as well as it usually does.

Anyway, my mental state is improving and I've taken the pressure off myself. I will not be looking for a job in the near future. I will be having lap-band surgery on Nov 25th and that is enough adjusting for the time being. Besides, it will be Xmas before I know it. After that, well we go overseas again in May 2012 (woo hooooo) and I can't see myself applying for a jobs in the New Year and telling prospective employers that I want 5 weeks off in May/ June! So that gives me a few months to work out what I want to do work-wise. Meanwhile I'll continue with my Grad Cert in Counselling. At the very least it will help to occupy my over-active brain! I can also look more closely into getting my book published, one way or another. It seems that a lot of people are self-publishing then putting their books on Amazon or the like nowadays. As long as I keep finding ways to get out of the house and maintain social contact, I should be fine.
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Aropax (Paxil) taper:
2009 23 Sept - 40mg; 12 Dec -30mg;
2010 Up and down - 25mg-30mg; 17 Dec-26mg
2011 25mg- 18 mg
2012 17mg -12.5mg
2013 27 Jan-12mg, 11 Mar-11.5mg, 2 May-11mg, 10 July-13mg, added 12.5mg Amitryptline 20 July; 5 Aug-titrated up to 75mg, stopped @13 Aug due to SS

Last dose of 13mg Aropax 15 Oct 2013. Switched to Citalopram 21 Oct in an attempt to stabilise.

There are things that are known, and things that are unknown; in between are doors - Anonymous
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Old 11-01-2011, 08:42 PM   #122
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Arrrrrrrrrgggg. It is still hard to settle my thoughts but they aren't as bad as they were. It's more about concentration now. I set myself a task and find it hard to stay on track. Usually I find that really easy. My nerves are somewhat jittery as well and I just have to try to ignore that and keep going. I know it's mostly withdrawal so I just have to find ways of living with it.

I've also come to realise that the job thing is massive for me. It's really not just about getting a job. It's about .. well it goes back to when I quit IVF. I had a void that I needed to fill and I was looking to fill it by having a career. I wanted to do counselling but didn't like the idea of just doing a counselling course. I felt that I wouldn't have enough to offer my clients. So then I looked into doing psychology at uni and the whole thing really excited me. I left school before Year 12, which wasn't a big deal in my day, but always felt there was unfinished business. Plus, I had direction. Something I was going to do with my life.

At one point I really wanted to be a psychologist and knew I had it in me to achieve that so I worked really hard to get the marks to get into Honours. At my uni you need 3rd year levels of 80+ to get in because it is very competitive. I didn't quite manage that and I didn't get in to the Honours program but I did get a 3rd yr average of 78 and got into the Post Grad Diploma in Psychology which is a 4th year equivalent. I couldn't go straight into a PhD from there (not that I wanted to as I am so NOT a researcher) but I could do a Masters if I got the marks so I was happy with that. However, during the 3 years it took me to do the PG Dip, I came to realise that I'd never be a psychologist. I was asking too much of myself (I seem to have a penchant for doing that ). My adult son has autism, I firmly believe that my husband has ADHD with some autistic traits although it has never been officially diagnosed, and I wasn't going to get the support I would need from home. In addition, my parents are now in their 70s and as they age, I know they will need me to help them.

So I gave up on that dream and decided to opt out after 4th year and look for a job. I also realised that I'd never be able to work full-time, be the primary carer for my son, and support my husband in his hyperactive endeavours (he lives life at break neck speed). So I decided I would just work part-time in community mental health and see where it led. I could do the work but I'm not really hands on enough and it's more social work than the counselling / clinical work I was interested in so I ended up taking on this Grad Cert in Counselling.

Now about the 'job thing' ...
If I decide to do something other than what I've trained for then I will probably have to do some other course. You can't get decent jobs these days without a certificate. You almost need a certificate to sneeze! It's ridiculous.
I've also, I think, finally come to terms with the massive loss of not having children beside my disabled son. In fat, I think I've realised that it's not having the children per se, it's about being part of a family and of passing that on. Family is really important to me.
In addition, as much as I wanted to have a career, I was never really a career person to begin with. I knew when I was growing up in the 70s that I had the brains to have a career. Opportunities were just beginning to open up to women then. But I didn't want that.
So there is a lot going there. A lot more than I originally thought.

In addition to all of the above, I'm also beginning to look at options for getting my book about being an IVF patient published. That has also turned out to be more complicated than I thought. It's not as anxiety producing as the job thing though.

Oh, and I'm having lap band surgery on Nov 25 - just 23 days away. Haven't got my head around THAT yet!

No wonder my already sensitive nerves are jittery! And no wonder I've been having trouble sleeping! I've got a lot to sort out. The good thing is that hubby now understands that I won't be looking for a job until after we get back from our next overseas jaunt in June 2012. That will give me plenty of time to decide what I want to do. Part of me would really like to work because after next year's trip, the money runs out and I would like to go to Canada and see the Rockies. On the other hand, I'm not sure what I want to do...... I'll keep studying counselling for now though. Not ready to give up on that.
__________________

Aropax (Paxil) taper:
2009 23 Sept - 40mg; 12 Dec -30mg;
2010 Up and down - 25mg-30mg; 17 Dec-26mg
2011 25mg- 18 mg
2012 17mg -12.5mg
2013 27 Jan-12mg, 11 Mar-11.5mg, 2 May-11mg, 10 July-13mg, added 12.5mg Amitryptline 20 July; 5 Aug-titrated up to 75mg, stopped @13 Aug due to SS

Last dose of 13mg Aropax 15 Oct 2013. Switched to Citalopram 21 Oct in an attempt to stabilise.

There are things that are known, and things that are unknown; in between are doors - Anonymous
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Old 11-01-2011, 11:40 PM   #123
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

Junior IF I had that much going on in my life you would have to hold me down and give me a shot of something!!!!!!
Surgery alone would be enough for me. Hope that goes well for you. I put on weight with paxil and am hoping to get it off SOMEDAY
Just LOVED your GAD support group , so cute
Humor is where you should be!!!!
Good days ahead Rose
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1984-amitriptalene situational depression& anxiety
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2000-2010-zanax 1MGS-.5MGS 2011-.25MGS
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PAXIL TAPER
2000-2012-paxil 40MGS 30-20,started taper 10/2010
10/2011-15--11/5/11-14--11/27/11-13
12/26/11-11.7--1/15/12-9.5--2/13/12-8.6
3/11/12-7.7mg--4/4/12-6.93--5-7/12--6.2mg--
6/9/12--5.6mg--7-12-12--5.1mg--8-19-12--4.5mg
10/1/12--4.1mg--11/4/12--3.6mg--12-4-12--3.25--
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Old 11-02-2011, 01:48 AM   #124
Junior
 
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

I know. I'm such an idiot. I do this to myself all the time. Then I get sensible and settle down

One time, I was seeing a psychologist for IVF related stuff and she told me that if it was anyone else, and they were going through all the stuff I was going through, she'd be ringing an ambulance!
__________________

Aropax (Paxil) taper:
2009 23 Sept - 40mg; 12 Dec -30mg;
2010 Up and down - 25mg-30mg; 17 Dec-26mg
2011 25mg- 18 mg
2012 17mg -12.5mg
2013 27 Jan-12mg, 11 Mar-11.5mg, 2 May-11mg, 10 July-13mg, added 12.5mg Amitryptline 20 July; 5 Aug-titrated up to 75mg, stopped @13 Aug due to SS

Last dose of 13mg Aropax 15 Oct 2013. Switched to Citalopram 21 Oct in an attempt to stabilise.

There are things that are known, and things that are unknown; in between are doors - Anonymous
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Old 11-02-2011, 05:10 PM   #125
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Re: Journal of Junior's Journey

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