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Old 03-02-2011, 02:14 AM   #102
poxyroxy
 
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

It does become exciting doesn't it, it's like a little celebration every few weeks

I am finding that as my mind opens up again after so many, many years of restricted numbness, I am experiencing certain things again almost like for the first time.

I was sitting in a room of people yesterday listening to someone talk. Suddenly I seemed to be overwhelmed by a sweep of senses. A smell that although familiar, I had not experienced for a long, long time. There was even a shade of light and colour that seemed to be one I did not quite recognise, but yet new it had been there all along.

It was a moment, a very fleeting moment that although probably unmeasurable in time, will now be marked on my present and future conscience hopefully from here on for ever.

Wow...that all sounds very trippy and deep

There are sparks taking place in my brain again. I can almost feel the activity starting to flow. Little pulses of energy starting to wake up and stretch, look around and think "great lets go and get up to some devilment"

Back all those 15 years ago when I was put on this medication I was in the height of my life. I was a twenty five year old exploring the world with wide open eyes.
Maybe I looked too hard, maybe I absorbed too much, maybe I was just the victim of a time and place. I am sure that those that made decisions for me around this time, thought it was for the best. Maybe I did need to sleep for a bit and rest my head.

....but fifteen years is one very, very long snooze
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Old 03-02-2011, 05:03 AM   #103
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

mmm ... interesting. i think there is a book called something like 'the woman who thought too much'
...
Ive often wondered if I am one of the those women.

Looking for the meaning of life etc - instead of just getting on with it
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*Paxil equiv.

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Old 03-07-2011, 02:19 AM   #105
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

These last few days I have been facing some of my demons.
This is not strictly related to the withdrawal process, but is part of my journey.

This last month my therapist has introduced hypnotherapy into my counselling sessions. This was something I had wanted to very much try and had agreed that it would be something for me to try out as my withdrawal from medication progressed and my head opened up through clarity.

It is hard work, confusing and can create huge episodes of wonderment and anxiety. Allowing this process to mix with my new found freedom of observation and thought, freed from the cosy protective blanket of Seroxat is a powerful new world to tread lightly.

This weekend past, I may just have stomped around a little too heavy for my delicate mind and emotions.
Post therapy session on Friday, I went and visited some of my past places of torment and fear (actually physically went there!!!).
I am not sure why I did this or what I was looking for. It just felt the right thing to do.

I am realising now that as I break trough these protective barriers that were put in place for me all those years ago by my "thoughtful" doctor in prescribing me antidepressant. I have missed and forgotten lots.

This physical journey of removing the layers of medication that have comfortably numbed my mind for fifteen years is a trial. It is a trial against a world that would be far more comfortable if I was to just slip back into its controlled existence and dose myself back up.

My Glaxo, Mr Smith and Mr Kline, thank you for your assistance and "quick" fix. Your world is a very soft, fluffy and warm place. However I am on a journey and it is time for me to feel the warm sunshine, cool breeze and gentle splash of rain again.
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Old 03-07-2011, 02:41 AM   #106
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Good for you Roxy :-)
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99-01 paxil for PND. 30 & 20mgs
01-11 Withdrawing
Eventual switch to prozac & then anafranil. Bad crashes in 04/06/10

*Paxil equiv.

21/6/10 50mg (20 or 10mg depends who listen to)
13/1/11 45mg
24/1/11 40mg
4/2/11 37.5mg
18/2/11 35mg
2/1/13. 32.5mg
May 13. 30mg
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Old 03-08-2011, 01:44 AM   #107
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Thanks kizzie, I am really, really trying hard.
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Old 03-11-2011, 12:00 AM   #108
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

All continuing well here

Busy with life

No strong withdrawal side effects at present

Another drop due this weekend coming

Thinking of going for the 1mg, rather than the half, or will that be going back on my deal with pokie

I know that if I do go for the 1mg drop and I am feeling bad for the week after I will deserve little sympathy.
It just seems so easy at this moment to tick off another milligram and be done with it.

Am I pushing too hard,
am I be impatient,
am I going looking for trouble???
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Old 03-11-2011, 06:51 AM   #109
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

If you feel you can handle it, then go for it. We all react differently to drops so you can't compare your taper to another persons. You seem to stabilize pretty quickly so that's a plus. It's still less than 10%. You can always slow it down when you feel it is too much.
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Old 03-11-2011, 11:31 PM   #110
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Quote:
I am finding that as my mind opens up again after so many, many years of restricted numbness, I am experiencing certain things again almost like for the first time.

I was sitting in a room of people yesterday listening to someone talk. Suddenly I seemed to be overwhelmed by a sweep of senses. A smell that although familiar, I had not experienced for a long, long time. There was even a shade of light and colour that seemed to be one I did not quite recognise, but yet new it had been there all along.

It was a moment, a very fleeting moment that although probably unmeasurable in time, will now be marked on my present and future conscience hopefully from here on for ever.

Wow...that all sounds very trippy and deep
You NAILED it! This is exactly how I feel every once in awhile! It's completely random and unexpected. It's like all of a sudden I feel 3-D and vibrant. For me, this seems to be tied to feelings of deep nostalgia from when I was a little child. These nostalgic flashbacks are VERY vivid, much more vivid than my usual nostalgia -- it's almost like I'm living through them. It's almost as if my brain is re-teaching itself how to feel again by drawing on emotions I could only feel fully when I wasn't on meds: it's basically using my nostalgic memories to "re-learn" how to feel emotions again or something.

Just my theory, but it sure is interesting.
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Old 03-14-2011, 12:20 AM   #111
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

I have gone for the 1mg drop today.
I know that I had thought that I would play it safer and just try out the half milligram drops for the next while.
However on reflection and with the positive current feeling I am going to try and continue with the full milligram taper schedule.

I am working on a plan that I want to try and get to 10mg before the start of the summer. I may then level and stick with 10mg for a couple of months.
The reason for this plan is that in June/July I get very bad hay fever. During these months my body and head always take a bit of a beating. I do not want to mix the stress of withdrawal and hay fever at the same time. So I will ride the pollen season out on a hopefully stable 10mg.

So another steep taken today.
I will be ready for any little speed wobble that may come along over the next week.
However hoping that I am going to ride this one smooth and steady.
The journey is progressing and I am starting to see more and more of the scenery as I move along...and as cinephile says "sometimes more vibrant and in 3-D"
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Old 03-14-2011, 01:05 AM   #112
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Dear PR,

Good luck and best wishes with your latest taper. I'll be anxious to hear how it works for you. best, Joanne
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Old 03-15-2011, 02:54 AM   #114
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Thanks pokie and lotusflower, as always the support and warmth is welcomed.

I am also trying to stabilise a few bit and pieces in my diet at the moment. Trying to watch the carbs and sugars and reject and processed food all together.
It seems unfair to be trying to clean the body of medication while still lumping it full of other rubbish.
There is a Spring feel here in Cork, Ireland this morning and I love the boost it gives to wellbeing and hope.

I may well, as you suggest pokie go for smaller drops during my hay fever period rather than stopping the withdrawal process all together. This will keep me focused and aware of the journey that I am on, and allow for continued progress.

Day two on 13mg, so far so good.
However not letting the defences down yet.
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Old 03-16-2011, 01:35 AM   #115
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Day 3 on 13mg and feeling it a little bit.
Nothing major, nothing new, the usual pattern.

- tireder and need to sleep during the day
- slight fuzziness and white noise in the head
- slightly distracted thoughts and difficulty in focussing mind
- emotions heightened and feeling sensitive

I know now that it will be a few more days of this as my body re-tunes to the new frequency.
The reward for my patience will be another step towards clarity of living.

Although it is hard and I feel a little down with the process, it is already exciting to wonder what new level of awareness I will be reaching this time.

The body is busy and working hard to rewire its circuits for the new voltage of 13mg. It has to draw on all my excess energy and concentration for this process. However in a few days it will be ready to switch on the new system...and I will again be up graded.
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Old 03-16-2011, 09:18 AM   #116
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

glad its going so smoothly :-)

Your plan to work round your hay fever season sounds really sensible
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99-01 paxil for PND. 30 & 20mgs
01-11 Withdrawing
Eventual switch to prozac & then anafranil. Bad crashes in 04/06/10

*Paxil equiv.

21/6/10 50mg (20 or 10mg depends who listen to)
13/1/11 45mg
24/1/11 40mg
4/2/11 37.5mg
18/2/11 35mg
2/1/13. 32.5mg
May 13. 30mg
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Old 03-18-2011, 01:10 AM   #117
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Thanks kizzie.

There is something slightly different this morning.
I had a very restless night of tossing and turning and sweats.
However a new feeling seems to be enveloping me.
It is a softness.
I can not quite make out what it is and I am not sure where it has come from.
I feel a little less fearful of this journey I am on.
I am ready to look around me a little more and allow the experiences and feelings to wash over me.

This will be day five on 13mg. The last couple of days I have had to sleep during the afternoon for a solid hour or two and completely allow my body and mind to close down.
The body has obviously a need for this break during each step down. It seems to want to close up for the change. It shuts down some of its processes to allow full concentration on the job in hand of processing the latest withdrawal.
Then the restless sleep last night, tossing, turning and sweating is like the body restarting up.
The feeling this morning I hope is a slightly better tuned body and mind from this latest service.

Although I am a little less fearful of the journey ahead, I am still nervous that I have at least another thirteen services to go through.
This is an enormous upheaval to go through for anyone.
How could those Doctors have allowed me to just continue for all these years?
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Old 03-22-2011, 03:09 AM   #118
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Its never just plain sailing, it always seems to get choppy again...if not rough and stormy.
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Old 03-22-2011, 06:06 AM   #119
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Hang in there - hope its a very short blip x
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99-01 paxil for PND. 30 & 20mgs
01-11 Withdrawing
Eventual switch to prozac & then anafranil. Bad crashes in 04/06/10

*Paxil equiv.

21/6/10 50mg (20 or 10mg depends who listen to)
13/1/11 45mg
24/1/11 40mg
4/2/11 37.5mg
18/2/11 35mg
2/1/13. 32.5mg
May 13. 30mg
Aug.13. 27.5 mg

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Old 03-25-2011, 12:28 AM   #120
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Thanks kizzie, it is a short blip, but there seems to be a few of them in a row!
Nothing too dramatic and I am keeping going, just lots of bits and pieces cluttering up the onward path for the moment.

The 13mg is going fine with nothing major to report in at this time.

Just dealing with those other little things that can get in the way of progress sometimes.

I think that it is called "life"
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Old 03-29-2011, 12:48 AM   #121
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Everything still going fine on the 13mg and I am already getting excited about the next step down to 12mg. I seem to be getting so close now to the half way mark of this withdrawal process, and I am looking forward to having this marker point to look back and see what the first half of the withdrawal was like for me.

The one vey physical and notable symptom that I am not able to get to the bottom of is the night sweats. Pretty much every night I wake up completely drenched in sweat. It is the sweating itself that wakes me, not dreams or anything else and often the sheets and pillow are completely soaked.

I can't work this one out and do not even know if it has any connection to the withdrawal. I used to get it occasionally in the past before starting the taper, but now not a night goes by without.
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Old 03-29-2011, 05:42 AM   #122
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Hi
Just a thought as it helped me, I used to get dreadful night sweats i would wake with it running off of me absolutely soaked, which was before i started withdrawing but i think iwas probably in poop out so not sure if that would have made a difference.

Anyway i got rid of my duvet and just put a sheet on the bed with a cover over the top, the night sweats have improved dramatically, I dont know why because i never felt too hot etc maybe it was the weight no idea but try it and see if it helps, I am sure it is probably due to the seroxat.

xx
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Old 03-29-2011, 07:37 AM   #123
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Hi PR,
It is great to hear that you are doing so well. The sweating sounds very annoying. Even through menopause, I never had night sweats....don't know how old you are and if that may be a factor. Cheering you onward,
Joanne
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11/25/10 50 mg. zoloft 12/30 45
1/19/11 40.5 2/6 36.5 3/7 32.8
3/29 29.5 4/20 25 5/28 22.5
6/16 20.2 7/7 18.2 7/28 16.4
8/18 14.7 9/8 13.0 9/23 12.5
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12/17 4.8 (made my own liquid)
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Old 03-30-2011, 01:53 AM   #124
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Thanks for the support

Yes, all is going well so far through this withdrawal process...however I do need to remind myself that it is a lot of hard work, acceptance and patience.
I am so lucky to have the opportunity to give myself the time and space to take this journey, but it is not an easy ride.

The annoyances like the night sweats are something that are acceptable to me to experience through this time. I see it as my bodies way of trying to physically deal with what it needs to do to play its role. There are many other small issues that I also live with on an ongoing basis.
I often shout myself awake from my sleep, I am still very low on energy throughout, I am over sensitive to certain situations.
The thing is that I see all of these as part of the process that I am going through to recovery, self awareness and ridding my body of the dependancy on Seroxat.

The only real concerns I have is to what will be the long term effect left behind of taking the medication for over fifteen years. What psychological and physiological development may it have led to and influenced over the years. This will probably be something that I will never be able to clearly answer. I expect for the rest of my life when ever I notice any "abnormalities" in my physical or mental wellbeing I will put it down to the many years of medication.

I think that it was very wrong for the doctors to leave me unchecked and dependant on this medication for all these years. I am however sure that they have there backs covered and no matter what happens here on out, it will only be heresy and speculation that it was their magic pill that led to it.

The strength of my situation is that I finally made the decisions.
I came here to this web site.
I decided on my withdrawal programme.
I am dealing with and interpreting my side effects.
And most importantly I know that i am doing the right thing.

Joanne, I had to have a little giggle on reading your post
I can be absolutely positive that it is nothing to do with the menopause, unless I am a miracle of human science.
Although I never mentioned my name, age or sex...it is interesting the conclusions that I lead people to.
Somewhere early on in my journal, I think I explained about my user name -PoxyRoxy.
Roxy is my nick name for the medication "Seroxat"
Poxy is just a good blurb that GlaxoSmithKline should include on the medication box...!

Sorry is my posting has happened to be a little misleading.
Tim
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Old 04-01-2011, 02:31 AM   #125
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

As I approach my next drop in a few days time of 13mg down to 12mg, my mind settles back on this important task in hand.
It is sometimes easy to forget what I am working towards here. Each time my body gets familiar with the new dose, day to day life peeps back in and it can be hard to remind myself of the importances of the bigger picture.

It would seem logical to just say "great" and get on with life. However the delicacy of the balance between "living life" and "curling up in a dark hole" need to be kept respected through an open awareness.

I know that I have a long way to go. I know that it may be years before I am fully free from medication dependancy. I guess that it is possible I will never be able to measure a full recovery, and will always be delicately balanced between hope and hopelessness.

I suspect that this is the way of the world and for now I must remember that I am working hard towards a positive goal.
In a few days time I will be heading down to 12mg and my mind will be heading up higher so that it has a better view of the world.

The careful balance continues, the stabilisers are still on, but I do not use them as much as I used to.
__________________
Seroxat/Paxil 10mg
Priadel (Lithium Carbonate) 400mg
Dolmatil (sulpiride) 100mg
Optimax (L-tryptophan) 2500mg
Lexotan (Bromazepam) 4.5mg - reducing by .75mg every 4 days
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