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Old 04-01-2011, 01:03 PM   #126
lotusflower
 
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Quote:
Originally Posted by poxyroxy View Post

Joanne, I had to have a little giggle on reading your post
I can be absolutely positive that it is nothing to do with the menopause, unless I am a miracle of human science.
Although I never mentioned my name, age or sex...it is interesting the conclusions that I lead people to.
Somewhere early on in my journal, I think I explained about my user name -PoxyRoxy.
Roxy is my nick name for the medication "Seroxat"
Poxy is just a good blurb that GlaxoSmithKline should include on the medication box...!

Sorry is my posting has happened to be a little misleading.
Tim
Hi PR,

My bad! I don't think you're posting is misleading.....I assumed and shouldn't have. Thanks for clearing that up, best, Joanne
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11/25/10 50 mg. zoloft 12/30 45
1/19/11 40.5 2/6 36.5 3/7 32.8
3/29 29.5 4/20 25 5/28 22.5
6/16 20.2 7/7 18.2 7/28 16.4
8/18 14.7 9/8 13.0 9/23 12.5
10/10 11.2 11/6 10.6 11/9 11.2
12/7 10.5 1/1/12 10 2/1 9.5
3/1 9 3/23 8.5 4/30 8
5/29 7.5 6/26 7 7/31 6.5
8/22 6 9/15 5.5 10/20 5
12/17 4.8 (made my own liquid)
12/26 4.5 1/28 4.1 2/4 4.0
February 9, 2013 last sliver zoloft 4.0mg.
February 10, 2013- 0 mg. zoloft
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Old 04-04-2011, 01:25 AM   #127
poxyroxy
 
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

This is a day of another drop in medication, 13mg to 12mg.

Normally these occasions for me are marked by optimism and a higher spirited outlook. However I am feeling a little different at this time and have unfortunately little space or energy for celebration and clapping myself on the back as I take another step froward on my journey.

The working my way off Seroxat/Paxil is indeed a massive and central part of my journey. It is the solid plan that I can mark my progress against, see where I was six months ago and look forward to where I will be in six months time.
There are however other jobs to be done on this journey and they are currently making life hard work. The job in hand is the continuing progress through therapy.
My over all progress is made through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I am also now going through hypno-psychotherapy which I am finding very intense. Week on week it can leave me with very little space in my life for other things. Thinking, sleeping, dreaming and writing would sum up my life at the moment. The journal I keep every day has taken on a scary mix of twisted thought memories from many stages of my past. I am finding this very hard work, but I am going to trust in the technique and my therapist and keep pushing forward and exploring.

I am putting this information down here in my poxyroxy journal because I know how easy it will be for me to possibly blame any upcoming difficulties that I might encounter on this latest medication drop.

I am expecting another batch of withdrawal symptoms over the next week and it may become hard to balance it with other progress difficulties.
I know that I could have held off on this latest taper, or I could even have made it a smaller drop, but this was never going to be an easy journey and this is the way it goes.

I am not only learning to deal with the withdrawal process, I am learning to deal with life.
Life is simply...it's just not easy!
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Seroxat/Paxil 10mg
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Old 04-06-2011, 02:37 AM   #128
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Probably the last two day's were the closest I have come to throwing in the towel and giving up the fight.
Again, this is not so much the latest 1mg drop, but rather other aspects of my journey that I am putting a lot of time and energy into.

I have decided to ease back a little and give my mind and body a rest. I will continue the tapering as planned but I am going to relax the intensity of my therapy goals. I really was marching forward with all guns blazing. I am now seeing that this is no way to progress my journey and I am going to investigate a somewhat more diplomatic approach for the next while.

I also see this with the physical withdrawal from the Seroxat.
Why should it be such a battle?
Why do I need to be at war with myself?
Why should my body and mind be punished any more?

My withdrawal continues. However my body is healing and my mind is growing. I do not need to beat either to death, just to prove my strength.
I will rather stand back and encourage the natural regeneration that occurs as the freshness and vitality of a medication free body continues.

I am still nervous, but now just a little more acceptant.
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Seroxat/Paxil 10mg
Priadel (Lithium Carbonate) 400mg
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Old 04-06-2011, 10:20 AM   #129
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

I know exactly what you are going through right now, Poxyroxy. I'm having similar feelings. The first week of taper can be awful. I'm working on keeping things slow and simple, not easy sometimes. Best wishes to you.
GC
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2002 - Paxil 20 mg for anxiety and panic. Got sober from alcohol addiction
2005 - Unsuccessful four-month withdrawal 20 to 5 mg. Back up to 20
2008 - Another failed withdrawal. Back to 20
Oct 2010 - 20 to 10 mg.
Nov - Dec 2010 - Stabilizing at 10 mg.
Jan 2011 - 9 mg.
Feb 2011 - 8.1 mg
March 2011 - 7.3 mg
April 2011 - 6.6 mg
May 5, 2011 - 5.9 mg
May 26, 2011 - 5.3 mg
June 10, 2011 - 4.8 mg
July 4, 2011 - 4.3 mg
July 25, 2011 - 3.9 mg
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Old 04-07-2011, 01:16 AM   #130
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Hi GC, thanks for that. I think that one of the real difficulties to accept about this whole withdrawal process is just how seriousness a business it can be.

Even in reading other peoples posts on this site long before I started my own, there was always that "it will be different for me" feeling.
However there is some comfort in now knowing that I am just like everyone else here struggling to to free myself from the grip of this dependancy.

I really believe that it is acceptance that is key to progress for me now. It seems as if acceptance brings a calmness that allows me to understand and move on. It is not easy to admit many things in life, but yet the freedom to move on afterwards seems to make it worth while.

My relationship with Seroxat/Paxil is becoming a strange one as I succeed in leaving it behind. I look back and see some goodness in how it helped me many, many years back in getting through a bad period in my life. However I also see that it was an evil quick fix that became too easy an answer for me.
It scares me to think how many people every day are now getting this quick fix to help manage the difficult times they are facing. It is too much of a "miracle" drug, it is too powerful and quick to work. I think that the blame needs to be shared on this whole process that we have created.

The drug companies, the doctors, the society that we live in all need to start admitting that this medication is not a solution. Sure it is a incredible, and fantastic and a power of what humans can do in the name of understanding and progress.

However I wonder why the idea never caught on of selling people a bucket of sand with clear instructions how to bury their head through the hard times.
Think how powerful the bucket making industry would now be.
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Seroxat/Paxil 10mg
Priadel (Lithium Carbonate) 400mg
Dolmatil (sulpiride) 100mg
Optimax (L-tryptophan) 2500mg
Lexotan (Bromazepam) 4.5mg - reducing by .75mg every 4 days
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Old 04-07-2011, 11:21 AM   #131
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Hi Poxyroxy,
You mentioned the importance of acceptance. If I may, I'd like to copy here some words I read every day:

"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
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2002 - Paxil 20 mg for anxiety and panic. Got sober from alcohol addiction
2005 - Unsuccessful four-month withdrawal 20 to 5 mg. Back up to 20
2008 - Another failed withdrawal. Back to 20
Oct 2010 - 20 to 10 mg.
Nov - Dec 2010 - Stabilizing at 10 mg.
Jan 2011 - 9 mg.
Feb 2011 - 8.1 mg
March 2011 - 7.3 mg
April 2011 - 6.6 mg
May 5, 2011 - 5.9 mg
May 26, 2011 - 5.3 mg
June 10, 2011 - 4.8 mg
July 4, 2011 - 4.3 mg
July 25, 2011 - 3.9 mg
Aug, 2011 - 7 mg
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Old 04-09-2011, 01:21 AM   #132
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Thanks for those words GraceC, they do make a lot of sense to me.

This is now day 6 of the latest taper of 13mg and 12mg and thankfully very little to report in of any withdrawal side effects.
The usual, a little light headedness at times, but more just mild passing dizzy spells every now and then.

It would seem that the typical first week of settling into the new dose is particularly smooth this time around...so far!
It had been a very turbulent week leading up to this medication drop and thankfully things have really turned around again over the last five days. This may be why I am not experiencing too much withdrawal symptoms this time around.
My mind and body has gone from very dark depression to a lightness of life just around the time of changing from 13mg to 12mg. I wonder are the usual side effects hidden within the ups and downs of the pattern of my life?

Anyway, fingers crossed that this continues at it is now.
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Seroxat/Paxil 10mg
Priadel (Lithium Carbonate) 400mg
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Optimax (L-tryptophan) 2500mg
Lexotan (Bromazepam) 4.5mg - reducing by .75mg every 4 days
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Old 04-10-2011, 05:30 AM   #133
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Just thought it wort mentioning that I am experiencing the typical sleepiness of post 1mg drop. I am lucky that this is not too much of an issue for me with my current life pattern and commitments.
If I was working full time, or had a family to look after I do not know how I would be fitting this need for extra sleep in.

It always seems to come on around a week after a medication drop and lasts for a few days and then my body seems to again kick back into a somewhat normal pattern.

For these few days however I would be able to sleep all day.
It is not just a lazy kind of tiredness, but a proper kind of body and mind shut down into a hazy, dreamy weakness of need for sleep.

I would even go as questioning as to whether I should be driving a car at these times.



2 days sleeping



2 days snoozing



back in the real world (almost!)

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Seroxat/Paxil 10mg
Priadel (Lithium Carbonate) 400mg
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Optimax (L-tryptophan) 2500mg
Lexotan (Bromazepam) 4.5mg - reducing by .75mg every 4 days
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Old 04-13-2011, 12:44 AM   #134
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

As expected, I seem to have woken out of the sleepiness from the last 1mg drop.
It seems to be that period around the end of the first week where it hits me and then usually lasts for a few days. It is not really an issue as I am able to take the time to sleep, but if I was not, it would be very hard to fight. As I said before it is a powerful sleepy feeling of the whole head and body demanding to close down for a period.

The pattern should be now fairly smooth sailing over the next couple of weeks as I approach the next drop.

So...all going well on 12mg and hoping for a positive and smooth sailing couple of weeks.
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Seroxat/Paxil 10mg
Priadel (Lithium Carbonate) 400mg
Dolmatil (sulpiride) 100mg
Optimax (L-tryptophan) 2500mg
Lexotan (Bromazepam) 4.5mg - reducing by .75mg every 4 days
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Old 04-16-2011, 12:30 AM   #135
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

All going fine on the 12mg at this stage and no major issues coming up, back awake and functioning "normally".

The week ahead is going to be a anxious time for me with lots going on in my usually very safe and controlled environment that I have created around me for this journey of withdrawal.
I am anxious that I will be able to get through it, but I am hoping that I have the security to come back to this place and hide with my safe environment if it all becomes a little too much.

I feel like I am about to take a great step forward on to ground that I am unsure of.
Will I bounce?
Will I sink?
Will I slip?
Or maybe it will just be an old familiar feel of terraferma under foot!
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Seroxat/Paxil 10mg
Priadel (Lithium Carbonate) 400mg
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Optimax (L-tryptophan) 2500mg
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Old 04-21-2011, 01:24 AM   #136
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

The week that I was worried about has gone very well.
I have kept myself standing and will be returning home to my safe and secure place today.
It feels really good to have managed to get through this week, kept my world together and not greatly felt any negative effects on the over all journey that I am on.

This will be the last few days now on 12mg and I am starting to feel confidant that it will be my last time ever on 12mg.
I am not going back now. In a few days time it will be 11mg and another great step forward on the road to freedom.
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Seroxat/Paxil 10mg
Priadel (Lithium Carbonate) 400mg
Dolmatil (sulpiride) 100mg
Optimax (L-tryptophan) 2500mg
Lexotan (Bromazepam) 4.5mg - reducing by .75mg every 4 days
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Old 04-21-2011, 04:38 PM   #137
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Congratulations on getting through your difficult week. I need to stay, as much as possible, within my comfort zone too. Doesn't it feel great to get through a stressful week?
GC
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2002 - Paxil 20 mg for anxiety and panic. Got sober from alcohol addiction
2005 - Unsuccessful four-month withdrawal 20 to 5 mg. Back up to 20
2008 - Another failed withdrawal. Back to 20
Oct 2010 - 20 to 10 mg.
Nov - Dec 2010 - Stabilizing at 10 mg.
Jan 2011 - 9 mg.
Feb 2011 - 8.1 mg
March 2011 - 7.3 mg
April 2011 - 6.6 mg
May 5, 2011 - 5.9 mg
May 26, 2011 - 5.3 mg
June 10, 2011 - 4.8 mg
July 4, 2011 - 4.3 mg
July 25, 2011 - 3.9 mg
Aug, 2011 - 7 mg
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Old 04-22-2011, 06:08 AM   #138
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Quote:
Originally Posted by GraceC View Post
I need to stay, as much as possible, within my comfort zone too.
GC
Me too. Congratulations, PR
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11/25/10 50 mg. zoloft 12/30 45
1/19/11 40.5 2/6 36.5 3/7 32.8
3/29 29.5 4/20 25 5/28 22.5
6/16 20.2 7/7 18.2 7/28 16.4
8/18 14.7 9/8 13.0 9/23 12.5
10/10 11.2 11/6 10.6 11/9 11.2
12/7 10.5 1/1/12 10 2/1 9.5
3/1 9 3/23 8.5 4/30 8
5/29 7.5 6/26 7 7/31 6.5
8/22 6 9/15 5.5 10/20 5
12/17 4.8 (made my own liquid)
12/26 4.5 1/28 4.1 2/4 4.0
February 9, 2013 last sliver zoloft 4.0mg.
February 10, 2013- 0 mg. zoloft
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Old 04-23-2011, 04:28 AM   #139
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Thanks lotusflower and GeaceC, it was a full on week and nice to have my own space back again.

I think that this must be one of the most important aspects for anyone taking this journey to free themselves from the clutches of medication. Not just having a strong support structure but also access to your own space and place when you need it.

The unquestioned support from others is so important for the times that my life falls so dark and deep. It is hard, but sometimes necessary that others step into my space at these times and allow a little light back in.
However, my space is also so very important for me. The world outside my depression is not always a pretty, understandable or wonderful place. I think we all need a place for ourselves to get away to, or maybe more accurately to get back to.

I see my space as my safe place that I will again learn to head away from every now and then for a little life adventure. It may also be a place that in time I can invite people to visit and share. However it is important for now that I have this place to feel safe.

Just one point of interest.
Yesterday, I missed taking my medication. This is something I am so very careful not to do during my withdrawal journey. I was however traveling, tired and it just got missed.
This morning I am very light headed, slight heart palpitation and mega tired.
This "magic" pill has un-doutably still got a very tight grip and control over my life.
__________________
Seroxat/Paxil 10mg
Priadel (Lithium Carbonate) 400mg
Dolmatil (sulpiride) 100mg
Optimax (L-tryptophan) 2500mg
Lexotan (Bromazepam) 4.5mg - reducing by .75mg every 4 days
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Old 04-23-2011, 04:35 AM   #140
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Thanks lotusflower and GeaceC, it was a full on week and nice to have my own space back again.

I think that this must be one of the most important aspects for anyone taking this journey to free themselves from the clutches of medication. Not just having a strong support structure but also access to your own space and place when you need it.

The unquestioned support from others is so important for the times that my life falls so dark and deep. It is hard, but sometimes necessary that others step into my space at these times and allow a little light back in.
However, my space is also so very important for me. The world outside my depression is not always a pretty, understandable or wonderful place. I think we all need a place for ourselves to get away to, or maybe more accurately to get back to.

I see my space as my safe place that I will again learn to head away from every now and then for a little life adventure. It may also be a place that in time I can invite people to visit and share. However it is important for now that I have this place to feel safe.

Just one point of interest.
Yesterday, I missed taking my medication. This is something I am so very careful not to do during my withdrawal journey. I was however traveling, tired and it just got missed.
This morning I am very light headed, slight heart palpitation and mega tired.
This "magic" pill has un-doutably still got a very tight grip and control over my life.
__________________
Seroxat/Paxil 10mg
Priadel (Lithium Carbonate) 400mg
Dolmatil (sulpiride) 100mg
Optimax (L-tryptophan) 2500mg
Lexotan (Bromazepam) 4.5mg - reducing by .75mg every 4 days
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Old 04-25-2011, 01:19 AM   #141
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Another important day, another step down in medication and another stage towards freedom.

It sometimes just strikes me how long this process is really taking and it can become just a little disheartening.
The temptations are always there to just jump ahead and speed the process up with bigger and more frequent jumps.
At these times I just need to let the thoughts pass and accept that time always slows down when it is watched.

I know that in a few years time when I look back on this period of my life it will all appear much more manageable and acceptable.
I do not want time to jump forward and for me to miss anything that might come about in life. I am just feeling a little bit of a drag on at the moment.

I expect that these are the dangerous times where it would be easy to just be done with it and speed up the process. However I see and read of many others attempts and how they had to go back to the start and try all over again.

The strength in me must be to just accept that this is my pace and allow myself the freedom to continue as I am.

Anyway, proud to be able to make another step forward.
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Seroxat/Paxil 10mg
Priadel (Lithium Carbonate) 400mg
Dolmatil (sulpiride) 100mg
Optimax (L-tryptophan) 2500mg
Lexotan (Bromazepam) 4.5mg - reducing by .75mg every 4 days
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Old 04-27-2011, 02:49 PM   #142
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Hi Poxy, I'm new to this forum but am excited to see the support from others experiencing this new path of trying to live paxil free. I have been on Paxil for the past 15 years and have tried weaning off before but like others it didn't work. I currently am at 35mg. This last decrease has left me feeling nausea 24/7. I've been decreasing by 5mg. every 8 weeks. My question is like you, 15yr paxil user, did you experience nausea and if so did anything help it?

Tracey H.
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Old 04-28-2011, 01:52 AM   #143
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Hi Tracey H, good to see you joining the site, there is something comforting for me to hear from other long, long, long term users and know that this journey is not so lonely.

The simple answer to your question is yes, I have experienced nausea through this journey. Not too extreme, but quite frequent. It is like my body has takes on a repulsion to certain foods.
I have managed this by carefully watching my diet and listening to my body for what it wants, needs and chooses to repulse. I do not find this easy and I am prone to loose sight at times and dig into something "good". However sure enough my body will be quick to come back and remind me of what I have done.

I have found that keeping off (as much as possible) meat and dairy products has helped me. This is not a moral issue, I would eat steak and drink milk shakes until the cows come home...! However my body just seems to tell me to ease off these products.
The other item that I have become really sensitive to is any processed food with MSG's. If I indulge in a moment of weakness, I know that I will be having a sleepless night of restless and jumpy muscles and probably night sweats.

My theory on all of this however is simple.
I think most of us are sensitive to so much of the rubbish that we put into our bodies. For most of us however the effects go unnoticed due to our busy lives, lack of focus and lack of commitment to awareness.
It is only now that I have presented myself with dedicated time and awareness in coming of this medication that I am noticing these things and noting the effects and causes.
If we all stopped and thought about the abuse we give our bodies I think we would all notice a great deal of nausea. Unfortunately most of us find the easiest way to hide this feeling is to have another, cigarette, drink, feel good food or what ever our comfort controller is.

Sorry about the long answer and very sorry if I am sounding preachy. This is not what I want to do, I to am only learning, but I am trying to work hard on understanding myself.
For me I understand the simple analogy of my 14 year old car. It is become more and more sensitive in its later years. If I was to put anything but what it needs into its fuel tank, it would soon show me what real nausea is about.
We are not much different. Our engines are a little more complicated. For the last 15 years I have had a tow hitch (Seroxat/Paxil) helping pull me along. Now however I am finally cutting the tow rope and becoming free, my engine is starting to gently tick over again.
However at the end of the day, I know that I am an older and slightly battered piece of machinery. I need to care for myself and be fully sensitive and aware of me needs.

Unfortunately now I really feel like a milkshake!!!
__________________
Seroxat/Paxil 10mg
Priadel (Lithium Carbonate) 400mg
Dolmatil (sulpiride) 100mg
Optimax (L-tryptophan) 2500mg
Lexotan (Bromazepam) 4.5mg - reducing by .75mg every 4 days
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Old 04-28-2011, 06:28 AM   #144
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

PR-

I think you're right on point with food. I'm very close to you in tapering (i'm at 12mg and started my wean in Dec 10). It's quite shocking how sensitive I am to caffeine, chocolate and sugar. Yes, they are all stimulants and they really can have an impact on my anxiety levels. So, in my case, I'm trying as best possible to avoid them. I don't drink too often and am not sure it's a trigger.

Anyway, I wanted to say I wish you continued luck on your taper.
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Old 04-29-2011, 01:09 AM   #145
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Thanks warbird and the best of luck back to you in your progress.

So far so good on the 11mg. I am still within the first week of this latest 1mg drop, but as of yet no noticeable withdrawal symptoms. Anyway, I am not as anxious as I used to be about each withdrawal step. I am now confidant in the process and have accepted that any difficulties that appear (and they always do) will be temporary and pass.
This of course does not make the difficult dark times any easier, but it dose give me much more freedom to relax and live either side of the dark periods.

In fact if I was to look at my pattern of ups and downs I would be brave enough to suggest that the downs are only taking about thirty percent of my time. This means that for the most part I am happy, content, well and positive.

This seems an extraordinary thing to be able to write. Here I am, over fifteen years on antidepressants, a couple of stays in hospital and suicidal attempts under my belt, years of counseling and therapy to dwell on, no job, no family, no money, and yet strangely I feel the luckiest person in the world.

I am learning to take full responsibility for my life, past, present and future. It is a great relief not to be looking to blame anyone else for the way things are anymore. It is also a great relief not to be blaming myself either, just noting things down, accepting them and finally learning from them and moving on.

The Paxil/Seroxat is a big part in my life. It still confuses me somewhat.
I know that I need to accept that some time in the past it was me that went looking for something to help me. It was me that went to my doctor and decided to explain my predicament. It was me that decided to listen to the doctor and put my trust in his decision making. It was me as part of this society that has demanded and created a need for a quick fix process like "magic" medication.
The one thing that I am disappointed in is the society that I still see around me struggling to deal with what I went through 15 years ago and letting so many others follow in my footsteps.
I am not proud of the journey that I took in a way that others should follow. It just seems that we are so slow to learn from our mistakes. I am proud enough to be able to look back at my mistakes and point them out to others.

The problem is that I don't think society wants to listen to me - "..over fifteen years on antidepressants, a couple of stays in hospital and suicidal attempts under my belt, years of counseling and therapy to dwell on, no job, no family, no money..."

...but happy
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Old 04-30-2011, 12:44 AM   #146
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Yesterday was a complete day.

This would fit in with the usual pattern of one week into the latest 1mg drop. I can probably expect a couple of these days now and then hopefully I will be out the other side and settled on 11mg.

Not too much of an issue this main side effect of needing to sleep for me. It does mean that every 1mg I drop, every 3 weeks, I loose out two or three days to sleeping. It could be a lot worse and as long as I can be kind to myself and accept that I need to allow my body to rest for these few days, I think I am doing quite well.

It is a deep sleepiness and tiredness that comes over me, not just a lazy type feeling. It can be hard to accept it at first when it comes around as spending days in bed is not really what I want. I am not sure if I should challenge these moments too much. I could force myself awake, make myself have to do something at these times. However the body and mind are obviously doing something important at these times and it may be best for me to just let them get on with their pattern.
At least for the moment I still have the luxury of allowing myself to accept these needs. I am not sure if I had greater commitments like a full time job whether it would be so easy to just let it happen so naturally.

So thats where I am at the moment and I am proud that i can even write at this time. It is early in the morning with me here and mornings are always good with me. By lunchtime I will certainly be back asleep and then that will be it for most of the rest of the day.
If this is the usual pattern I can expect that by Monday I will again be awakening into the "real" world.

Good night all...
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Old 05-05-2011, 12:29 AM   #147
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

I am now hopefully coming out of a difficult few days and ready to get back on pattern again.

I tried a little bit of an experiment and went out with a few friends and had a few drinks. I knew what I was doing and I knew that I would suffer the consequences. What it has done is to confirm the importance that I continue to stay off alcohol for this journey.
There was no major reaction, just a long couple of drawn out days of nothingness. It is such a wast of time and life and leaves a big empty hole where the excitement and passion for living used to be.
It has no place in this journey that I am on where every day is so important and progressive. The routine and pattern that I follow is structured and balanced so that I can gain and understand as much as possible.
Experiments like these last few days let me know that I am still on the right path.

Looking forward to settling back into my new real world.
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Old 05-05-2011, 07:17 AM   #148
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Quote:
Originally Posted by poxyroxy View Post
It has no place in this journey that I am on where every day is so important and progressive. The routine and pattern that I follow is structured and balanced so that I can gain and understand as much as possible.
Experiments like these last few days let me know that I am still on the right path.

Looking forward to settling back into my new real world.

Dear PR, I can so relate, and good for you for taking good care of yourself!!!
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11/25/10 50 mg. zoloft 12/30 45
1/19/11 40.5 2/6 36.5 3/7 32.8
3/29 29.5 4/20 25 5/28 22.5
6/16 20.2 7/7 18.2 7/28 16.4
8/18 14.7 9/8 13.0 9/23 12.5
10/10 11.2 11/6 10.6 11/9 11.2
12/7 10.5 1/1/12 10 2/1 9.5
3/1 9 3/23 8.5 4/30 8
5/29 7.5 6/26 7 7/31 6.5
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12/17 4.8 (made my own liquid)
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February 9, 2013 last sliver zoloft 4.0mg.
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Old 05-08-2011, 01:49 AM   #149
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

It has been a little more difficult than I thought getting over the last week and I am still struggling to get back on track. I know that I purposely jumped track to see what life was like outside my routine, but I thought it would be easier to get back on again and return to my journey.

I am not sure now what I was really trying to do. I even canceled my therapy session for the last week so that I could break the pattern and feel free to do so. I suppose that I have really had a strong week of dabbling. I took alcohol for the first time in six months, I have neglected my study schedule, I have slept late in the mornings, I got lazy about writing my private journal and most importantly I cried again for the first time in maybe five years.

I really am not sure why I have purposely put myself through this week. Why did I feel the need to push and test myself in this way? It may be that very soon I am due to take my next step in the withdrawal process...and this is the big one for me. This next 1mg drop will bring me down to 10mg and the marker point of half way through my journey. This will be a big, big moment for me and I guess I was kind of playing around with my thoughts and moods in preparation.

I have always though that when I reach 10mg I will level here for a little bit and take full measure of the process so far and think carefully of the future plan. I think that I will stick with this and spend maybe a couple of months on 10mg, fully stabilizing and gathering my thoughts for the rest of the journey to come.

I have come to an interesting and busy time in my life and there are a number of paths opening up before me. A couple of months of stability will be what I need now to help get me through this period.
However I must and will remember this journey I am on.
I will continue towards zero and some day be free from this dependancy.
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Old 05-09-2011, 01:31 AM   #150
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Re: Over 15 years and time to stop...!

Just thought it worth recording the following current possible withdrawal symptoms that I am experiencing over the last couple of days.

- the light headedness that I have typically felt at times throughout this withdrawal process, seems to be a little stronger and more continuos than I am normally used to.

- for the last few days I have had a burnt metallic taste in my mouth. I know that I experiences this before and believe it just went away after a while. All food tastes a bit bland for the moment. I am unsure of any related external factors that could be creating this.

Otherwise all going ok. I am a little bit jumpy and my mood swings often throughout the day. This is a long and difficult period of four weeks that I always new would create some instability in my journey.
However I am getting through it with only a little scaring.
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